Everything Grey

Of Saints and Ghosts

2012-01-16T09:40:00.001-05:00

True story that I have to share. With a little backstory...

We have a little ghost in our house. It mainly manifests itself via the lights. It gets our attention by playing with the lights. Lights will go off for no reason, then come back on. I've had to replace numerous lightbulbs because it likes popping them. When I say it likes popping them, I mean, "dammit, I just changed that bulb 4 hours ago." Not even kidding about that. The ghost is otherwise harmless, but obviously does not like the vibe in the house when the wife and I raise our voices.

One other thing before you say something like it's just faulty or bad wiring. We have 4 cats. They obviously can see the ghost. They are curious but afraid of it. They do not like it playing with them. I have personally seen our cat, Hannah, walking down the hall when all of a sudden she is pulled backwards by her tail. You heard me, something in the air pulled her by her tail and she slid about 3 or 4 feet... backwards. When it let go, she freaked and hid for a while. So, believe me when I say, we have a ghost.

I was watching the Saints game this weekend, and while we lost, it was a good game. You can't make 5 turnovers in the playoff and win. Came close, but no cigar. And that's ok. Still love our boys! Bless You Boys!

Anyway, not that point. Near the end of the game, the Saints had finally taken the lead when I notice my sister in Orlando posted on Facebook, "I have been ordered by my husband and BFF to stay out of the room because the Saints are winning." This might seem odd, but it goes back to football traditions and how the 12th man effects the game. Like how people have a special football watching outfit to root their team on. It's the voo-doo. What? You don't do that? I have a jersey that I wear. Then depending on how the game is going, I can add pajama bottoms, a fleece hoodie and a hat as the game progresses.

At this point, in the game, we were all cheering. Then, my wife comes up from the basement for dinner and sits down to watch the final minutes of the game. San Fransisco immediately scores to regain the lead. In the spirit of "you're jinxing the team," I start yelling to my wife to get back down to the basement. The vibe of the room had gone from elation to anger. And someone was not happy about that sudden shift.

Next thing you know, we hear a crash in the kitchen. One of the globe sphere light thingies on the kitchen light - the ghost's favorite light - had fallen crashed into a million pieces. Obviously, my yelling upset the ghost.

And it didn't help because the Saints still lost. No real point to this story really. Just don't piss off the ghost.

New Year, New Plan

2012-01-04T16:54:00.003-05:00

New Year means it's time for a new plan for ML. The plan is to get the house in order. The plan is to sell or donate the crap I don't need and have accumulated. The plan is to do Couch to 5K when the weather is warm enough. The plan is to keep the house in order. And, the plan includes reminding myself of the path I am walking... or more accurately, the continue walking the path.

I started a new Bible reading plan last night - Finding Your Footsteps on the Moon. It's a 21 day reading plan aimed at helping you live a divinely inspired life. It is designed to inspire and motivate you in finding and walking in your God given purpose for you life. In truth, I think I may have lost some of my purpose in the past year. Or at least, I am struggling with finding what's the next chapter of life for me. Seems like a good time to figure that out for many reasons.

So, I started the reading plan and here's what I gathered from Psalms 139:13-18. The last line is "-when I awake, I am still with you." This stood out to me due to the double meaning "still" can have here. Still, as in calm, quiet, peaceful. Or Still, as in not moving away from. This is reassuring for a few reasons.

One, no matter where our paths lead us, God will always have our back. It is comforting to know that while I do stray from living with God every single day, He is always willing to bring me back to Him. His love and grace are never-ending. So, when I "awake" from whatever has pulled me from the Christian path, I am "still" able to get up and continue the journey.

Then, consider how calming God's influence can be in our lives. Through all the things that disturb our sleep, the things that keep us up at night, the little things that stress us out... when I awake from all of that, living a divinely inspired life helps to make those turbulent waters still. The difficulties are made easier knowing that God is on my side and that He will never desert me. God helps to keep me laidback.

As this New Year begins, I recognize that I will be facing quite a few difficulties. But, I am still with God. And that makes all the difference.

Sonnet - My Muse

2011-10-31T15:49:00.000-04:00

I sit to write a poem about my muse,

The whimsical soul who makes me complete.

Earning her love marks with scars and tattoos

Written with ink made from mine own heartbeat.

The passing times she comes to inspire,

She feeds my stomach with candy-like lies

Of thoughts and words of creative fire -

A Mona-Lisa smile, her disguise.

A burst of expression shakes through my hands

Weaving a hairshirt which strangely won’t fit.

She cackles and leaves my frozen wasteland

A traitor to art whose smoke I can’t quit.

She’ll come again, for which I cannot wait

For my muse knows I long to take her bait.

==========================================

So, I wrote this sonnet. Needed the challenge of a rhyme scheme and pattern. This was a struggle and I'm not wholly satisfied with this creative outcome. But, you gotta "write the shit" out, too, and I got the iambic pentameter and abab cdcd efef gg scheme in there, so technically, it's a sonnet. At the very least, this serves a purpose.

Prayer in a Status Update World

2011-08-15T22:43:00.001-04:00

By now, I'm sure you've heard about the tragedy at the Indiana State Fair. The quick recap - a nasty gust of wind hit an outdoor concert and the stage rigging fell on the audience. As of now, 5 people died and 45+ people were treated for various injuries. It certainly is a tragic occurrence and I want to make sure you, kind reader, know that I am saddened by these events and my thoughts are with the families and friends of these affected by the stage collapsing.

That said, this post is NOT about the stage collapsing. This post is not meant to speak ill of anyone. These events are simply the catalyst for something I noticed as these events unfolded across twitter and facebook. I didn't notice it before, but now that I think about it, it certainly has become prevalent.

I refer to people posting status updates or tweeting something along the lines of "I am praying for the victims of this horrible event." Watching post and tweet upon post and tweet about the stage collapsing, I noticed a lot of people said they were praying. Which in this day and age, I guess I shouldn't come close to complaining about. That's a good thing that people are legitimately praying for others safety and well-being.

Still, I look back on the words in Matthew 6:5-6:

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

So, with that in mind, I'd like to take a look at how these verses apply in a Facebook/Twitter world. Or even if they do.

As I write this, I'm worried I may offend with my thoughts. Honestly, I'm not sure what I think or believe about this right now. I'm probably writing this down to get my thoughts out and eventually come to a conclusion.

So the crux of the situation is when we announce on Facebook, "I'm praying for the victims of..." aren't we being the "hypocrites" Christ was talking about? I'm sure the intention is sincere in offering our prayers. But, aren't we still sincere in our prayers without announcing via tweet? Are we doing it so publicly so other will see it and think we're a good person?

I don't think the prayer is any less sincere by any means. Still, why do we feel the need to announce it? Perhaps I'm being too cold to the victims of what ever tragedy we are praying for. It probably helps to know that people are praying for them. So, maybe I'm being too shallow.

Then again, for example, I don't know anyone who was at the State Fair when the rigging collapsed. So, if I were to tweet my prayers and condolences how do I know the victims would see it? So, I come back to the thought that we post our prayers so others will see how much of a good, caring person we are. And I hate that is where I am at with this because that leads to the thought that we're only praying so others will see that we are good, caring people.

Ok, how about this? Perhaps for all the people tweeting their prayers, there's others who aren't. Perhaps, there is a larger, silent group of people who mourn and pray for those affected by tragic circumstances. I'd like to believe that notion.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to see a large swatch of my friends show their humanity. I am a lucky person to have such wonderful, caring people in my life. And, now, here's the revelation - I just hope they aren't looking my status updates asking "why doesn't he pray for these victims?" "He's not a good person because he hasn't shown that he cares about these people." Ok, people likely don't even notice. Which is fine because God does.

And that's my point.

Do you think that Heaven has WiFi?

UPDATE:
One point I don't think I really make above is that prayer status updates is really just a form of slacktivism. Here's a definition: "the act of participating in obviously pointless activities as an expedient alternative to actually expending effort to fix a problem." And, that's my problem with prayer status updates. It makes the poster feel all good to publicly support a cause, but does absolutely nothing to actually support that cause.

Daily Blessings:

I was on the right side of a discussion at work today and by right side I mean the same opinion as the GM. Ok, I was also on the right side of how to handle the situation...
I've decided to choose to not to have a cigarette. It's been nearly 2 weeks. I don't say I quit though because that sets up for disappointment when I inevitablely give in. But deciding to choose not to smoke is more empowering, and I'm more likely to continue to choose not to light up.
My wife for the last month or so of Mondays has let me watch WWE Raw without complaining, even sitting in the same room with me as I watch.

Just some blessings

2011-08-08T19:50:00.000-04:00

Progress is being made on the re-organizing the whole house situation. The wife wanted to rearrange things and that's fine with me. Do what you want, get the kids to help. She even mentioned something about a man-cave for me. The only draw back is that her meds have really flipped her sleep schedule. So, she sleeps when I'm at work. When I get home, we do dinner, chill together, etc. Then I go to bed around midnight and she and the kids get to work. I say kids, but we're talking 18 years olds - my kid and his friend.
My presidency is over. And while I am relieved to have less responsibility, I am a bit worried about things. Nothing I need to go into detail about. Mainly, my way of doing things vs others way. But, this is a blessing because I am less stressed and learning to step back and enjoy things I've neglected the past few years.
I've made the decision that it's time to move on in my career. Realistically, stepping up into a managerial/department head type position is probably at least two year away though... unless we want to move... and start all over with a new company... which really isn't feasible after 12+ years of service and 4 weeks a year vacation and vested stuff...
So, I'm learning patience.
Oh, and I'm learning that when God really wants to me learn something, He teaches me is a way that makes me laugh at my own stupid bullshit. Maybe I'll expand on this later. Suffice it to say, I have to laugh when I think I'm one thing, but circumstances prove I'm not that and it's a good thing.

What's going good for you?

Chink In the Armor

2011-07-18T16:31:00.001-04:00

To the person this is about: please don't read this. I don't want you to get the wrong impression. There's much more I want to tell you should we have the opportunity.

To the person(s) who reads this: don't assume it's about you or someone you know. It's not.

I had a dream about you last night. Honestly, I don't remember the specifics, only that you were there - perhaps we were just hanging out. But we were both laughing and very happy to see each other after so long. Part of me wants to take this as a sign that it is okay to contact you again. I miss our friendship; I'm realizing that more and more. Still, another part of me doesn't know if I am ready. And that's really silly when I think about it.

Through Facebook, I see we have a few mutual friends - the one's I'd expect. Yet, I can't bring myself to click "add as friend." Whenever I get close, I don't know if I am ready to face the rejection if you don't confirm. I feel some need to ask for forgiveness for some crime I've made up in my head. The crime of distance, of no communication.

Our lives are much different now than they were when we last spoke or saw each other. Well, based on what I can tell, yours certainly is and you look happy. Trust me when I say that is all I hoped for you. I wouldn't want an out-of-the-blue, unexpected message to throw a monkey wrench in your life or happiness. So, I maintain radio silence, if you will. Still, a small part of me feels like I need forgiveness for the mistakes I made.

Though, how much of the non-communication is really time and distance? Out of sight, out of mind? That thought is rather depressing. We shared a too rare a friendship for time/distance to be an issue.

So, maybe I do need your forgiveness. And honestly, that's all I want from you. For what though? There's the paradox - to gain your forgiveness I have to admit to you there was a crime.

I've matured and accepted things. I'm in a good place. No, not a perfect place, but perfection is not achievable.

In the end, I guess what I am asking is... can we be friends? Are we capable? I would like to think so. I hope some time in this life I am proven right.

Today's Blessings:
- After 3 years of go, go, go, I'm on a needed break. The focus is on house and home.
- I have a family who loves me enough to allow me to go, go, go for three straight years without asking me to stop.
- I have been granted respect from people who matter to me.
- I have done at least 4 shows in a row with very little, if any, drama/diva moments. I can see the common thread in why, too.

Blessings II

2011-07-16T14:37:00.000-04:00

Today's blessings include:
- a buttload of groceries, more specifically the ability to purchase said groceries.
- de-shaggifying my hair, with a half off coupon I forgot I had.
- "Beautiful City" from Godspell is technically from a movie and therefore, I can perform it for CCP's "Light, Camera, Cabaret."
- Feeling the respect of my creative peers.
- Root Beer Floats
- Human Interaction tonight (ie. Drinks after the show)

Counting Blessings

2011-07-11T23:48:00.000-04:00

A friend mentioned they were starting to write down their blessings daily. Sounded like a good idea today. Without getting too mopey, I am counting one today - I can type this from my phone and post it. One! One Counted Blessing! Ah ha ha ah ah!

Ok, bad Count impression over. I'll try a bit harder.

2nd blessing - I turned a spot around in no time, especially since it had to be done today AND I was assigned to do it today.

3rd blessing - I will fall asleep soon and can dream of a better day.

4th blessing - I realize I just need to make it to Friday. Three more sleeps after this.

5th blessing - The A/C is working.

Thankful

2011-04-18T21:47:00.001-04:00

Well, the last few posts here have been filled with nothing but whine and vinegar, eh? Let change that right now.

I am blessed and thankful for many things. Let's name as many as I can... My wife and step-son. Even if the lawn didn't get cut today. I have dandelions and that's ok. Even Stephen, the kid living in my basement, yes and am thankful for you. I can afford health insurance and I can pay for the drugs I need to get over this cold. I can look back on pictures of our last vacation and be filled with the love my entire family has for us. I haven't seen some of my best friends for months; but I know they feel the loss and miss me as much as I do for them. I have a job that I like, am good at and well paid for. I've only gained 2 pounds in 2 years, according to the doctor's scale. I put my all in everything I do. I am pretty sure I am respected; I'll say that I know I am by the people that matter. I like my smile. My dreams lately have been enjoyable. I kept my Lent promise, except for that one time and I really didn't like it, so I think I'll be keeping my Lent promise for life. I think God can understand a relapse if it leads to better decisions. I can listen to music any time I want. Whatever mood I am in, there is something on my iPod for that. I'm blessed that I have can have a convenient way to keep my music with me. I am looking forward to stage managing "Bat Boy" in July. I have not fathered any children unexpectedly. I think AND I feel. I speak softly, but carry a big stick, that I have never needed to use. Pretty sure I have conquered depression. I have my moments, but the funks don't stick like they used to. I can twist my tongue upside down. I can wear a pair of jeans for several days without a second thought. OK, the cats - Jack, Hannah, Misfit and BK. I am thankful for Josh, Erin, Ryan and Allison, Patrick, Jeff, Rikki, Madeline, Sarah, and Deanna more than they probably will ever realize. HA! I am thankful that I can be a guy and be friends with girls without it getting all weird. I can sympathize, empathize and listen to both sides and form my own opinion. I am an Uncle. 3x a godfather. I am blessed with Riley and Lily, Katy, Tony, Alex, Lisa and Nick - even Marianne and Joe. They probably don't realize that I am blessed because of them, but I am. Hooboy, am I thankful I have a sense of humor. I am also thankful that God has one, too. I am thankful that my ex-girlfriends are my ex-girlfriends and I am happy to have taken something away from each relationship. Yes, even that one, especially that one. The times I can say "I told you so." I am thankful my parents wouldn't let me watch pro wrestling when I was a kid. And I'm thankful I was able to sneak peeks early in the morning before they woke up. I enjoy art in all its many forms (well, maybe not abstract paintings). I am thankful for Liz Phair and Ryan Adams. I got life, brother. I got laughs, sister. I got freedom, mother. I got good times, man. I gots me my Swagger. Most importantly, I like who I am. If you can say that, you've got a good thing going, kid.

Commitment

2011-04-18T20:05:00.001-04:00

Here's the definition of Commitment:

1. the act of committing.

2. the state of being committed.

3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.

4. a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.

5. engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.

6. perpetration or commission, as of a crime.

7. consignment, as to prison.

8. confinement to a mental institution or hospital: The psychiatrist recommended commitment.

9. an order, as by a court or judge, confining a person to a mental institution or hospital.

10. Law - a written order of a court directing that someone be confined in prison; mittimus.

11. Parliamentary Procedure - the act of referring or entrusting to a committee for consideration.

12. Stock Exchange - a. an agreement to buy or sell securities. b. a sale or purchase of securities.

Ok, should I be committed for thinking that when you make a commitment you should be committed to finishing out said commitment for commitments sake?

I should probably be committed for typing that sentence...

Maybe I was raised differently. Or maybe people no longer care about honoring their commitments. It's a big thing for me if I break a commitment. I, or someone very close to me, has to pretty much be dead for me not to follow through on a commitment. And, even then, I'm probably finishing it up and dropping things off on the way to the funeral...

So, what is it? Is it me? Do I expect too much of people? The worst part is that I'm starting to expect disappointment when someone commits doing something now. That's the worst part; losing faith in people...

On a completely separate note, I was informed today that I might have to go to Las Vegas on company time in late July. And, I won't be disappointed if I don't get to go because they didn't make that commitment to me.

Take This Cup...

2011-04-06T13:53:00.000-04:00

Gonna get a little Jesus-y with this one. Hope that's ok...

Without going into details that I do not want all over the world wide web at this time, I am feeling tremendously overwhelmed with all that is being asked of me. Between work, home, friendships, theater and a host of other things I am not going to detail right now, I am very much struggling with the idea that I am going to make it to the other side of the tunnel. In fact, last night I literally fell to my knees and begged God for some help... begged for him to take some of these things away from me...

For some reason, whenever I ask God to "take these things away from me," you know, telling him that I don't think I can handle everything He is asking me to handle, I always think of Jesus Christ: Superstar. Specifically, Jesus's song "Gesthemane."

Lyrics: I only want to say, If there is a way, Take this cup away from me...

This song is Jesus' prayer to God before the events leading to his crucifixion. In the hours before he was arrested, he had such doubts and he makes no bones about how difficult it is to finish the job God called him to do. The Bible account in Matthew 26 says in verse 39: ^" Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" Jesus had such doubts, too. Our cups runneth over?

In the middle of prayer, on my knees, full of pain to the point of tears burning my eyes, this song and story pops into my head. I start praying for God to take this cup away from me because I cannot handle its poison. And, I laugh.

I laugh at myself because in that moment I realize how trivial my problems are. My bullshit is nothing compared to what JC went through so that we can receive God's grace. Funny, how in my moment of absolute weakness, I can find a glimmer of hope through laughter.

And it is then that I begin to thank God for reminding me what is important and that He does not throw anything my way that I cannot handle. I thank God for humbling me. And I continue thinking about the song:

God thy will is hard
But you hold every card
I will drink your cup of poison
Nail me to your cross and break me
Bleed me beat me kill me take me now -
Before I change my mind.

This is the challenge God gives me - Take these things on. He needs me to and knows that I can do it. Therefore, I can accomplish all that He asks of me. His faith in me gives me strength. And, even in my weakest moments, He reminds me of his love and grace. I will take this on because You have asked me to. I am not sure what the results will be, but I know He will keep me safe.

ML - Nice Guy

2011-03-30T20:55:00.002-04:00

I feel like I must respond to this.

12 Reasons Women Can't Stand Nice Guys by Lucia

Please take a few minutes to read the article. Then, come back for my response.

All read up now? I'm a nice guy who is happily married (meaning out of the dating scene, so who cares), so I'm not sure why I feel the need to respond to this dreck. Perhaps, it's because I am a nice guy. Perhaps, it's because I hope the women I know don't feel the same. And really, if my lady friends feel the same as Lucia, man, I really need to rethink our friendship.

Anyway, I think I'll go point by point in rebuttal.

1. NOT REAL. Nice guys are about as real as it gets. We fuck up relationships. A lot. Over stupid things. A lot. Since, we are mature nice guys, we are able to work past fucking thinks up in order to MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP BETTER and STRONGER. Perhaps we don't want to "upset the apple cart" because... WE REALLY LOVE YOU and like the part of our relationship where we are real and nice together. If you have a problem with that, perhaps it's not because I'm not real and nice, but you have trust issues.

2. RESPECT. I am not a doormat. You do not get to walk all over my feelings. I am a very generous person to the people I love because I love and respect them. I am not controlled, but give of myself freely. That generally garners all the respect that I need.

3. PREDICTABLE. Bad boys are just as predictable as this article claims nice guys are. The difference is yourself. What you think is predictable in Nice Guy Johnny, another (sane) woman finds mysterious or spontaneous. You see, this is the basis of forming compatible relationships. We discover what we like and don't like in people and finally end up in love with the perfect person... for US.

4. MOTHER NATURE. Women are designed to nurture... Somehow this means that nice guys don't need to be nurtured. I don't think it is a stretch to say that nice guys tend to be those sensitive fellows I hear women want. Is there no challenge nurturing a sensitive, nice guy? Really? Really?

5. FIXER-UPPER. So, nice guys don't have issues? Well, maybe compared to your (Lucia's) insanity spewed forth here they don't. Though she hit the nail on the head with the talk about "if they are busy 'fixing' someone else, they don’t have to look at what needs to be fixed in their own lives." Spot on. And that's really the problem here. It's not about nice guys vs bad boys, it's you have issues and are not mature enough to deal with them.

6. SPERM WARS. Actually, I think I would prefer a future where bad boys weren't so revered. Perhaps, if we as human beings stopped hooking up with bad boys, thereby perpetuating the possibility that more bad boys (it's in the genes, right?) would be born and raised, we could achieve so much more. Perhaps, in the future we'd be better off with more nice guys around.

7. FEAR OF INTIMACY. Sex does not equal intimacy. When I was in the dating world, the scariest thing in the world was reaching out to hold someone's hand. With bad boys, sex equals intimacy and you are missing so much wonderfulness if you settling for sex = intimacy.

8. LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Again, you have issues. Nice guys tend to help raise your self-esteem. Bad boys tear it down. Is it really that difficult to choose? Please seek help if it is.

9. SEX. Um... nice guys only care about one thing in bed. You. And you are complaining about that?

10. HOT. I suggest you watch COPS or America's Most Wanted. Or the Dumbest Criminals Ever.

11. CHARM. Yes, bad boys tell you want you want to hear. Nice guys tell you what you need to hear and in a nice way. Another way to put it is nice guys are honest with you.

12. PROTECTION. I will say this once. When I love you, you are protected. I am not mean or violent but when you are in trouble, I will do whatever is necessary to protect you.

Quote for Life

2011-03-27T21:35:00.000-04:00

I ran across this quote on the internet somewhere:

"There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."

I don't know who came up with it. But I'm stealing it.

The next time I cull my Facebook friends down, this will be the filter. I have cut people out of my life due to their drama to the point that emails from them go straight to the deleted folder. I keep their numbers in my phone so I know it is them calling and don't pick up. I will not exist walking on eggshells around these people. So, the only thing I can do is ignore them and cut them out.

I am a good friend. I go out of my way to make my friends laugh. I like to see them happy, even if that means going without for myself. I don't mind picking up a tab for them. The company is more important than lunch or a few extra beers on my tab.

But, do not take advantage of my friendship. Do not take take take and not give. Do not come to me expecting the stars and the moon, then get pissy when I can't deliver on your time table.

Unless I promised them to you... If I am your friend, you already know that I will deliver them if I promised them to you and on time to boot.

But there is a point where this stops being a friendship and starts being work. When that point is reached, I really have to question whether or not the friendship is worth the effort. I will give you everything I can without expectations. Okay, one expectation - that you understand that our friendship is not about what you can get out of me. It is about making each other happy in every sense of those words.

When you are down, I will pick you up. When you need a nickel, I'll give you a dime and not expect you to return it. When you want a beer, I'm coming over with a six pack. When you need my assistance, I will make every effort I can to help to the best of my time and ability. I am not at your beck and call, but I will give you all that I absolutely can.

Just understand that I really don't expect the same. I guess that after 36 years of living I have learned to be disappointed by human nature enough to not expect the same from people. So, I don't really expect the same from you. But, please understand I am genuinely hoping you prove me wrong.

And for the record, if you are reading this, there's a 95% chance you are one of the people who make me laugh so hard. Thank you.

There's a 5% chance you just stumbled here, so I challenge you to be one of those who make me laugh.

Uncle ML

2011-03-12T20:38:00.000-05:00

I don't expect this to be a big long post. But, I think it is safe to say that I really enjoy being an uncle. More so than becoming a new father. To be clear, I love my (step-)son. And I am not expecting to have any more kids and I am A-Okay with that. I've come to grips with and am fine with not fathering a child. Even though, I'm the last one that can carry on the surname, it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. And, that is ok.

I am an uncle.

I am an uncle who doesn't get to see his nephew, nieces and god-children nearly often enough. I'm lucky if I to see them once a year, if that. But, I am blessed to know that they all love me. They told me so at various points over this past week. We went home for a week to visit and saw them all. Cherished memories were made.

R.I.P. Scooby

2011-01-02T19:51:00.001-05:00

Yes, we had to put our Scooby down. It's been about 5 days and I'm still heartbroken over it. Just before Christmas, we noticed he was not acting himself. He wasn't eating and it was difficult to get him to go outside. He just wanted to lay down and not move much. Eventually, he started peeing on the carpet and had diarrhea. I brought him in Monday to the vet to be examined. Through an x-ray, they discovered a mass on his spleen. Blood work also discovered some potential liver and thyroid problems.

Basically, his chances of recovery and survival were nil. At the point of doing surgery, we had a few options. We could pursue surgery to remove his spleen and the mass. From there, due to his size and liver thyroid issues, he could have died on the table. They could have discovered the mass was malignant and we'd have to put him down right there. On the small chance that the surgery was successful and he fully recovered, the vet said that most big dogs in this situation end up back at the vet's to be put down within 3 months. So, really the most humane thing was to opt to not perform surgery and put him down.

Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I'd like to say that I faced that problem head on like a man, but that would make me a liar. In discussing the various options with the vet, I knew we would have to put him down. Must of spent 20 minutes trying to go through the options in tears. Then, another 20 minutes to calm down enough to call my wife and be able to explain the situation. It hurt(s) so much to lose him. As bad off as I was, it was impossible to say with him while they put him to sleep. Hell, I'm still fighting back tears writing this.

He was such a good puppy. I always call him my puppy even though he was a full adult and 130lbs when he adopted him. He was my dander-muffin and the sweetest, most gentile beast. He only snapped at the cats when he thought they might get some extra food and he wouldn't He'd only bark if he had to go outside or it was dinnertime. He'd mostly just lie on the couch or ask for more food.

One of my favorite memories of Scooby was from last year when my folks came to visit for the holidays. My mother has a fur phobia. She is deathly afraid of anything living with fur. Not sure where this came from, but it's been there my whole life. Just coming into our zoo was a major step for her. Then, we'd had to keep Scooby in his cage and the cats in their room if we weren't going to be around during the day and she was home. She would start freaking if one of them came in to the room and looked at her funny. As they were leaving for home, my mother actually bent over and pet Scooby goodbye.

It's not a great photo, but here she is bending over and touching Scooby. Granted, she had a glove on, but I will never forget that Scooby, despite her phobias and fears, grew to be loved this much by her.

He had that effect on people. Sure, he looked like a bear on first impression and maybe his size made people hesitate to greet him. But, I don't think there is a person who met him that didn't walk away loving him.

And, it's an amazing twist of fate how he came into our lives. Tricia was performing in "Of Mice and Men," and a dog was needed. The theater worked out a deal with the local Humane Society to showcase a dog up for adoption. Basically, the theater got to use a dog and would promote that the pup was available for adoption at the show. There was even a news article in the local paper about the dog in the show that was up for adoption. Only problem was that when the director when to get the dog from the pound, someone read the article and came quick to adopt him. So, another dog was needed and the director choose Scooby three days before opening night.

The dog needed a place to stay during the run and since we have pets I said if someone gave us a cage, he could stay at our place during the run of the show... emphasis on "DURING THE RUN." I had no intention of us keeping him. But, we brought him home the first night and the kid said this was his dog and the rest is history. We haven't regretted at all.

We are supposed to get his ashes in about a week at this point. Not sure what we are going to do with them. I've tried looking up memorial ideas, but it's still too difficult to think about it. I have no idea what to do with his cage and other doggie stuff and I'm not sure when we are going to deal with them. We are not getting any more pets for a long time.

But, we definitely miss our Scooby. In "Of Mice and Men," the dog's owner Candy says, "he was a good old dog" after another character takes the old dog out to be put down. I am convinced due to the circumstances of his arrival in our house that he was meant to be our dog. We are doing our best to remember that we gave him an additional 4 years of life. And he gave us a lifetime of cherished memories.

I don't think I will ever understand why his original owners wanted to give him up. I have to imagine they just could not handle the responsibilities of dog ownership due to whatever was going on in their life when they gave him to the pound. And as much as I hurt right now over our loss, I wonder if they felt a similar loss.

After all, he was a good old dog.

Being Human

2010-11-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you need a good cry. I'm not talking about a deep depression, wailing like a banshee, curled up into a fetal position in the corner cry. No, some times you just need a few tears to fall to make you feel human.

And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with admitting a little bit of sadness into our hearts. It reminds us we are human. And, it also reminds us of the good times.

I wouldn't say that I know exactly when I need a good cry. But, if I do, there are a few triggers that are sure to bring a few tears and cleanse my soul. It's good to know these triggers because I don't want to forget that life is ups and downs. Without the downs, you'll never get back up.

The movie, "Stand By Me," was on the telly earlier. I first saw it when I was around the ages of the kids in the movie. And look at them now. The fat kid is a very buff Jerry O'Connell. The weirdo buddy is, well, still the weirdo buddy in a lot of ways. We're talking about Corey Feldman. Wil Wheaton is an internet celebrity and deals quite well with his fame. River Phoenix... is dead.

What strikes me about this movie over 25 years later is how it still gets me. There I was flipping back and forth between that and UFC's Greatest 100 Fights. "You guys want to see a dead body?" "Randy Couture is back!" "Sick balls, Chopper!" "The Iceman Cometh!" "Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? " "The Spider wins again!" "The train had knocked Ray Brower out of his Keds the same way it had knocked the life out of his body."

I decide to leave the movie on until the finish. The boys find the dead body, face off against the older gang, and head back home. We find out Verne got married and has three kids. Teddy is working odd jobs after a stint in jail. Neither really surprising endings.

Gordie & Chris are talking before going home. The poor white trash kid is afraid he'll never get out of Castle Rock. And, joy of joys, we found out he does. Chris ends up going to college and becoming a lawyer. Then, the news comes - and is probably why the Writer writes this story - that Chris. ever the peacekeeper, was trying to break up a fight and was fatally stabbed. River Phoenix fades from the shot.

And there it is. It wasn't expecting it at all. It just happened. A soft, sticky sweet trail of saline falling down my cheek. Again, I am reminded that I am human and smile.

I'm not sure why this moment is one that never fails to get me. Maybe it's because I have long since drifted apart from the kids who were my friends around age 12. Maybe it's the realization that we become very different people from when we are kids and can't remain friends. Maybe it's because I want to go on my own journey to "see a dead body" (figuratively speaking; I really mean a life journey) with the friends I have today. Maybe it's just really sad that Chris Chambers made it and was struck down by chance.

I guess it doesn't really matter why that moment gets me. It's just nice knowing that I am human and there's nothing wrong with that.

Top 15 Influences

2010-11-10T21:29:00.002-05:00

There's a meme going around Facebook called "Book Snob." It asks you to list the Top 15 Authors (poets included) who influenced you and will always be with you. Well, I thought about it, and if I'm honest with myself, there's not 15 authors that have influenced me into becoming the person I am today. I'm not a big reader, folks... So, let's get a little more creative with the word "authors." So, for this, I will define "authors" as someone who has written something, as opposed to just a book or poem.

1. Bill Watterson - (Calvin & Hobbes): There is no doubt that Bill Watterson's iconic comic strip had a big impact on me. Heck, in a lot of ways, I will walk around with my imaginary friend. And, I'm not ashamed to admit that. I gotta have someone who really gets me, right?

2. John - (The Gospel According to John): John wrote the book of the Gospel that I most identify with, that I read the most often and this book is responsible for bringing me to Christ.

3. Donald Miller - (Blue Like Jazz & others): Mr. Miller writes about Christianity and approaches the subject with non-religious thoughts. He writes about the kind of Christian I try to or at least want to be.

4. Stephen Page - (songwriter; formally of Barenaked Ladies): I always preferred the Stephen songs to the Ed songs. His songwriting seems to me therapy for himself and his manic depression. He is a genius songwriter, certainly flawed (that seems to be how it works, eh?) that has definitely influenced my own songwriting and lyrics.

5. Ryan Adams - (songwriter): A brilliantly talented songwriter whose music makes me think there is no need for me to write songs because he already wrote them and 1000x better. He is another flawed musical genius that has helped me to realize how to write eloquently and honestly about my emotions.

6. Liz Phair - (songwriter): If you know me, I guess it's no surprise to see Liz on this list, after all I all but worship her. It is the intimacy of her songs that have influenced my life and my songwriting. If only I could speak/write with half the intimacy & honesty as she does in her music.

7. Lord Byron - (poet; "She Walks in Beauty"): Honestly, "She Walks in Beauty" is the only poem by Lord Byron I can remember. It's just so descriptive in how he tells of the beauty of the woman he loves. In a lot of ways, I think this poem influenced my thinking about relationships and how intimate they should/can be.

8. Harry Anderson - (Con-artist; Night Court Actor): I pretty much watched his stand-up/magic routine "Hello Sucker," special near endlessly when I was a kid (if you can match quotes with me from this special, I will love you forever). He taught me I should always have a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face. He also taught me that if a man walks up with an unopened deck of cards and bets me that the Queen of Hearts will jump out of that deck and squirt cider in my ear that I should not take that bet because as soon as I do, I will end up with an earful of cider.

9. Congressman John Linder & Neil Boortz - (The FairTax Book): This book opened my eyes to taxes. This country needs the FairTax if we are to remain a SuperPower and we need it now to get the economy back on track.

10. Douglas Adams & Terry Pratchitt - (Various Sci-Fi Fantasy Novels): Love the humor and satire these two authors write. I include them both as one because I've only read the Hitchhiker's Guide series twice and it's been several years since I sat down with a Discworld novel.

11. Sylvia Plath - (poet): I'm learning more about the woman and the feelings behind her poems and journal. While she suffered from major depression and ultimately killed herself, I think she write beautifully and quite intimately. She was really in touch with her emotions and I strive to be like that... without the suicide...

12. Molly Bang - (author, "The Grey Lady and Strawberry Snatcher"): Her book had no words. It was all illustrations. Beautiful pictures telling the story. I remember "reading" this book countless times as a child. And probably owe a major chunk of my imagination to this book that taught me the power of pictures to tell the story. I would "read" it and the "words" and "dialogue" in the story would be slightly different every time.

13. Dr. Seuss - If I have to explain this... well, the point, you miss.

14. Stephen Soundheim - (Composer): His musicals are wonderfully written. But, this is more for two of his shows: Children of Eden and Into The Woods. These two shows hold a special place in my heart because of what they taught me about being a parent.

15. My dad: I don't think he wrote anything, but I would not be who I am today without my father. He is still teaching me to this day and is one of the biggest influences in my life. He is the person I most try to be like.

Another definition

2010-11-03T08:52:00.000-04:00

Let's do another definition. I stumbled across this quote that is attributed to Bob Marley:

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

For my two cents, that's pretty much what intimacy in a relationship is all about. You cannot enjoy the love within a relationship without opening yourself up and being vulnerable to the possible pain. Totally worth it though.

Love is a word

2010-10-10T23:14:00.000-04:00

(aka: Random Thoughts on Love)

Check out all the definitions for the word, "love:"
(as defined at Dictionary.com)

-noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7. sexual intercourse; copulation.

8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12. the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13. Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.

14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.

16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.

18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

20. to have sexual intercourse with.

–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.

—Idioms
23. for love,
       a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.

       b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.

24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.

25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.

26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.

27. make love,
       a. to embrace and kiss as lovers. b. to engage in sexual activity.

28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

No wonder relationships are complicated.

I remember when I was young, oh, junior high & high school aged. I remember when I got a crush on some girl and told a friend I was crushing. Every time I told the friend, before long, the crush found out and I swear each and every time they never spoke to me again. Man, teenagers are cruel. Anyway, now that I look back on my junior & high school days, I think these major tragedies affected who I am today. I say major tragedies because at the time I was devastated. I was also young, naive and, geez I just wanted a girlfriend so bad.

Ha! In thinking back on those misadventures, I remember telling a few girls that I loved them. Not that we were dating or anything, just friends. Though, more than I few times, I certainly wished our relationship was more than just friends. Funny how they never seemed to realize that... or maybe they ignored that part of it. I don't know. But, maybe the end result was that I built walls around my heart.

Or maybe I just believed that love happens the way it does in the movies. Hopeless romantic...

Now, I am pretty sure about love and how it happens. I do believe in love at first sight. But that is not necessarily everlasting love. No, everlasting love is something you choose. Love is a decision and you choose to stay in it or choose to fall out of it. It's work.

What was my original point? Oh yes, walls around my heart... I think how this effected me is perhaps I don't tell the people I love - no matter how that love manifests - that I do love them. Sure, I tell my wife I love her at the end of phone calls, or as we say good night. But, that's not the same thing as letting a person know you love them, is it?

I hope my actions speak for me, but maybe that's not enough. While working on this show ("Dead Man's Cell Phone" by Sarah Ruhl), the subject matter is starting to make me think that I need to embrace the love I have for the people in my life and let them know that I do love them.

Maybe it's the fear of rejection why I don't. Stupid as it sounds, I've been married for nearly 10 years and I'm still a little afraid to say "I love you" at a meaningful time. My friends are my friends because I love them, but how weird would it be for me to tell them that? What's the harm? Is it completely inappropriate to tell your friends that you love them?

The conclusion I am coming to is that it shouldn't be. Somehow, society has twisted the word "love" to mean the affection couples share for each other. For some reason, "love" is exclusive to couples. Why is that?

I was re-reading Don Miller's "Blue Like Jazz," and he states (correctly) that we are called to love everyone like Jesus did. Not to make this a Jesus-moment, but really what is wrong with that sentiment?

Those bricks in my wall are slowly coming down. Brick by brick, friend by friend, love by love, the wall is crumbling and there's nothing wrong with that. Love is more than a word. It's how I feel.

Time

2010-10-06T10:28:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note: I'm working on a few posts. But time has escaped me. Thoughts are gelling in my head. And I need spare time to write them down. Holy crap, am I busy...

Social Grieving

2010-09-27T22:32:00.000-04:00

The recent passing of a well-loved theater friend has sparked a lot of thought and reflection for me. Not just the usual 5 steps of grieving. This is not a story about her or grieving for her. Just the spark. So, don't think this is in any way related. Keep in mind, I'm a people watcher and enjoy taking an introspective look at social habits and behaviors.

In the past couple of years, Facebook has obviously become a phenomenon. I mean, you can friend your parents. That automatically makes it a world-wide phenomenon that probably isn't going away for a while. Since Facebook has exploded, I've learned about the deaths of two who were, well, more than just Facebook friends. No, this is not about learning about their passing in such an impersonal way. Maybe another time, but this is not it.

Instead, I'd like to focus on how social media has influenced how we grieve. In fact, I'd like to give props to Facebook for actually having a way to memorialize someone who has died. Look it up. Basically, they take the profile private so only confirmed friends can see it and still post in remembrance. I guess it's a nice way for people who, due to distance or whathaveyou, can't... be there in person(?) to grieve...

And I guess the way I wrote that last sentence is perhaps a bit telling as to what I've observed and think. Maybe not. I'll explain...

I completely understand the need to express your memories and grieve for the person who died on their wall. And please, this is not written to condemn anyone who grieves and remembers a person in such a way. Perhaps this is really just a comical observation to help me heal.

But, as I look over wall postings of these friends who died, I wonder who are they written for. Are the deceased capable of checking their Facebook? Most are postings are along the lines of, "Soandso, I love you and will never forget this one time," or, "I miss you everyday." (Perfectly valid feelings and sentiments, by the way).

Do we really think the person will see it in the afterlife ethereal? We must, right? Well, if they are so capable of checking their Facebook from the other world, surely they are powerful enough to be sitting next to us when we post such memorials. And, if they are sitting right next to me when I post such a memorial, well, shoot I might as well just tell them. If they can read their Facebook, I'm sure they can hear my words or read my thoughts.

So, I guess Facebooking is becoming apart of the grieving process. And well, selfishly, I'm not sure if I like that. For every friend me and deceased have in common, I get to see one of these memorial posts. And, again, I get posting them. But, does that help me grieve? I don't know... Maybe so. I do my own grieving in my own way and it's my own personal process. I guess it helps others to know they are not alone in the grieving process.

Which brings me to my real point. Why can't we just tell people that we love them and let them know they are not alone when they are here? Why is that such a difficult thing to do?

I am quite the guilty person when it comes to that. So, I guess do as I say, not as I do? Or how about I just tell or show or express or do something every time I see you so you know that I love you. Then, you won't have to worry about checking your Facebook when you die. I'm sure you've got way more important things to do in heaven. Like playing the harp or ironing your linen robes...

Something's Coming

2010-09-21T00:57:00.002-04:00

I hate to say it, but things have been going so well right now that I'm just about expecting the bottom to fall out soon. The past few weeks or month, I've been riding this wave of, well, just good things going on. The big project at work went over well with nothing but success. Not that I was in danger of losing my job, but I definitely reminded the company of my value with that video. A month of my life put into it and I knocked it outta the park.

The theater is getting more and more respect. We finished our first full season in the new space a little over a month ago. And, we got a shit-ton of nominations. The show I'm working on now is going just about as swimmingly well as a show can go. Everyone is working hard, but it's not hard work. I'm exciting about the show I'll be directing for Christmas. People whose work I have sat in awe of are wanting to work at this theater now and I'm starting to really feel like I'm actually respected for, not just the body of work we've turned out in the past year, but on a personal level - like these people who I feel are so much more talented that I am (having seen their work, I can attest to that) are giving me props. That's obviously really nice.

I'm blogging on a... well, much more regular basis. Not a consistent basis, but getting better at that. I'm slowly starting to write more and feel comfortable with my songwriting and lyrics.

I've got a great family, wonderful friends and know that I am loved.

Yeah, I definintely am walking around with some swagger in my step and attitude.

Still, there's a little something whispering in my ear - brace yourself 'cuz something is coming. A nagging little seed of a voice. Maybe that's just me subconsciously psyching myself out. I mean, geez, how long can I ride this wave of Swaggerliciousness (I got so much swagger, I'm making words up). That's what I intend to do. Keep pushing forward and not let life knock me for a loop.

But, something is coming. I don't know what. I don't know when. But, something big is coming to test me. Need to talk to God and prepare for that. Until then, I'll be hanging 10 on my swagger-board. Ok that was a very lame was to say I'm going to ride this good feeling until I get knocked down.

UPDATE: So, guess what happened the very next day after I posted this? Half my department at work was laid off. I survived.

What It's Worth

2010-09-20T00:18:00.000-04:00

I just want to say that for about a year and a half I have busted... my... ass... running this little community theater during a very turbulant time in it's history. It has been anything but easy. At every turn, another hurdle popped up to get in the way of achieving goals. I have lost a lot of sleep in that year and a half to various things like stress, anxiety, and, well, needing the time to finish the job that needed to be done - like cleaning toliets or setting 120 chairs out for the next night. I can't recall the last time I was in bed before midnight (midnight is a good night). A nice chunk of my disposable income goes to little things the theater needs, like lightbulbs or ink pens. Hell, my sanity probably checked out around March.

Through it all, the one thing that I thought was completely necessary to maintain was quality. Producing good quality theater was all that mattered. That's as it should be. It's about the best danged art we can put on that stage. The best show we can with the (little) money we got. You got quality, you gain respect from your audience and build from there.

All the heartache, all the lost sleep, all the off-stage drama - doesn't matter. The art - the quality, that's where it is. That's what it's about. That's what matters.

Today, this little community theater - more accurately, its productions and its casts & crews - that was expected to rollover and shut its doors received what I believe (if I counted right) to be the most Encore Award nominations it has ever received in the theater's entire history.

Granted, I don't place a lot of stock into these awards or nominations. It's not why we do it. The show comes first and if something is still Encore eligible, well that's gravy. The creative process and the product are what drives me, not the nomination.

But, excuse me, if I say that I am very proud of the jump in quality this little community theater has made. I am extremely proud to think back over the last season of success. To remember the friendships made, the memories shared. That's worth so much more than these awards and nominations...

Still, it feels like a nice redemption. Thank you to all who made the past season of good... quality... theater possible.

Okay

2010-09-12T18:46:00.000-04:00

I ran across this statement/saying on the internet:

I'm not sure I can agree with this statement. Probably because if you ask me how I'm doing, I'm likely to respond with, "I'm okay." To me, being okay conveys a sentiment of contentedness. There's nothing bad or negative going on and, conversely, there's nothing super fantastic I can mention either. I'm just ok.

For some reason when I say that I'm okay, people follow that up with, "What's the matter?" or something like. Honestly, nothing is the matter. Nothing is outstanding either. I'm pretty good, thanks.

But, the above statement sees it much more pessimistically, no? It implies things are, or at least, were, kinda screwed up. They are maintaining despite these setbacks.

I see the point of the statement, just not sure I like the pessimistic outlook. Lord knows I don't always rise above my faults and emotional problems. And, I'm certainly don't think I'm letting my fears paralyze me. At least, on most fronts. But, I'd like to think I'm doing more than "okay." "Okay" is like a C; it's average. I think we need to strive for at least a B minus.

Are you doing okay? What do you think?

Words coming out of my fingers

2010-09-04T22:37:00.002-04:00

For five or six nights now, I've tried to sit down here and write something. Anything. But, nothing seems to come out. Not sure what to write/talk about. Writer's block already? Eh, it happens, I guess. So, let's go all stream of conscience with this one.

Currently listening to Del Amitri's "Roll To Me."

Can't complain a whole heck of a lot right now. Life's pretty groovy. The kid has a job now. Working at Little Caeser's. That was good timing because he needs to not just be at home. Seems like he's starting to get his life together right now. Not that he needs to get things together and figured out at 17. But, I think he's finally realizing the true meaning of being a "troubled kid" and he is not that. Bored, perhaps. But, not troubled.

We've had a friend of his staying with us for about 2 or 3 months now. I believe is mother passed away some time ago. And his father has a new family and doesn't want him to stay there. So, he's got nowhere to live really. This one is 20 and had some indiscretions in his past. He came into the house on probation. But, he, too, is a good kid getting his stuff together. Unfortuneately for him, he didn't get the message about a meeting with his probation officer and ended up missing it. Really through no fault of his own. He didn't have a phone, so when the probation officer called the number he had, the people there never passed on the message. Well, a few days ago, he had a court hearing for missing his probation meeting. And, well, for the next 45 days, he won't be staying with us, but in jail for violating his probation. The system sucks that way. But, when he gets out, he'll have a phone, so that won't happen again. He's on our family talk plan now and paying me for his phone. Hope to make the time to go visit him - either my kid and myself or just the kid and friends - about once a week.

Ryan Adam's, "Come Pick Me Up"
"I wish you would/Come pick me up/Take me out/Fuck me up/Steal my records/Screw all my friends/They're all full of shit/With a smile on your face/And then do it again"

Why the hell do I like this song? It's one of those songs you listen to after drinking a healthy amount of wine. Oh.

Ok, I think I'm attracted to songwriters' who write really peppy, almost happy songs, about the most fucked up things. Ryan Adam's is one. Steven Page of BNL fame wrote some really depressing stuff that I enjoy maybe a little too much. Maybe this is part of the reason I'm in tune with Liz Phair, and developing a fansination for Sylvia Plath. Why are the most brilliant... expressionists... usually jam-packed with manic depression or have experienced extraordinary low points in their life? Follow-up question: If that is the case, why am I not writing more? Or why isn't writing lyrics/poems flowing more easily? There's a thinker.

Here's another. I've started writing some lyrics or poems but at some point I get out of the moment they are being written in and can't seem to finish them. It's like the moment is past and it's difficult to get back into that frame of mind or... feel that same emotion... and let it come out on the page. Something I wrote a few weeks ago, well, it just doesn't feel the same today. Feelings changed and it feels almost like I'm betraying the original raw emotions behind it. I said a long time ago in my youth that my songs are shit when I'm happy. What I think are my most creative expressions have usually come out of times of pain and/or depression. Would I trade a lifetime of happiness if it meant I'd never write a good song or poem again? I have to say that I wouldn't. I need those valleys just as much as I need the mountains.

I also think that I need my guitar again.

Odd, But I Like It

2010-09-02T23:08:00.000-04:00

I guess it's not a surprise that I'm anxiously anticipating a new album by Liz Phair. This is apparently one of the new tracks. Very odd. But, I like it. Looking forward to seeing what direction this album is gonna take.

I got life

2010-08-31T11:43:00.000-04:00

I feel so alive. It's been a really long, long time since I've felt that way. I've got good love, good friends, good vibes, damn good music, good hobbies, a few good drinks and some good goddamn times. Yeah, I could worry about how the heck I'm gonna pay some impending bills. I could worry about a lot of things. But, fuck that.

I got life.

What else do I need?

15 Albums That Shaped Me

2010-08-28T21:07:00.000-04:00

Reprinted from a note on facebook:

The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes.

No particular order, other than what comes to mind first, which probably says something:

Beach Boys - Endless Summer: My folks owned this on vinyl and I spent countless hours listening to, singing to and absorbing Brian Love's chords and harmonies.
Ryan Adams - Gold: I remember seeing the video for Answering Ball on VH1 while back. Bought the album and it's been on loop ever since. An amazing songwriter that both inspires me to write more lyrics and completely disheartens that effort because I know I'll never be that good and he's pretty much covered the material I'd write about. Also gave me Sylvia Plath.
Guster - Lost and Gone Forever: My friends tried to get me into this band and album, but it didn't sit with me... Until I saw them in concert. Hooked ever since. Even inspired the name of my blog.
Barenaked Ladies - Stunt: While Rock Spectackle was really the first album by BNL that I got into, it was Stunt that sealed the deal.
Liz Phair - Exile In Guyville: While she sings about sex and relationships, my love affair with Liz Phair is much, much deeper. Possibly the happiest I've ever been was following her tour for 3 days straight.
Dog's Eye View - Happy Nowhere: This was practically the soundtrack to my life around late college and a few years post college. A few songs still are my soundtrack.
De La Soul - 3 Ft High and Rising: Kind of like Hippie Rap. Showed you didn't need to curse to make a lyrical impact in hiphop. Nor be a thug.
Godspell - Soundtrack: Since childhood, I'd play the vinyl at sing along. This (and to a lesser extend JCS) probably helped shape a lot of my thoughts on God, Jesus and religion (Before I knew it).
Hair - Soundtrack: I didn't realize it when I was young, but I do now. I'm pretty much a hippie and this album is greatly responsible for that. "I Got Life" is an anthem.
Ani DiFranco - Not a Pretty Girl: I really don't know why the person I am just loves Ani Difranco. But, I do. Probably has a lot to do with her being an independant female songwriter/guitar player.
Jellyfish - Split Milk: Queen meets the Beatles (specifically Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band) at a circus is how I describe this album. There's like 2 songs that I can listen to independently of the whole album. It was meant to be heard all the way through.
Blind Melon - Self Titled Album: Yeah, you know their hit "No Rain" because of the Bee Girl. But this album had so much to do with the laidback dude I am today. "No Rain," while catchy, probably is one of the worst songs on the album.
Prince - Purple Rain: When you're 10 and listen to it, it's very different album from when you're 20 or so and understand what the hell the songs are about.
John Denver's Greatest Hits: Another one I'd listen to on vinyl. But, I really didn't appreciate John Denver until he passed away.
Michael Jackson - Thriller: The last one was a tough choice between MJ, The Rollins Band, Weezer, Poison, and Journey. But the King of Pop wins out because when I was 8 or 9 visiting my grandmother in Oklahoma, my dad had to come outside and tell me to be quiet as I was singing along with the tape way too loud. Not embarrased by that and never will be.

All You Need is Love

2010-08-23T23:01:00.002-04:00

This is going to sound, well, likely cliche. But, you know there is a lot of truth behind cliches. I want you to know this. If you are going to love, love with all your heart, with every fiber of your soul, with every ounce of your being, you have to accept all the risks and pain, too. Love is not an easy thing. And I am not talking about the love between a husband and wife, really. I just mean whatever love two people can possibly share. A friend, a brother, a son or daughter, a God. Love is worth the risk.

If you are going to love someone, love them with all of your being. But while you are high on the snow-covered mountain of love that keeps your heart and body warm, prepare yourself for the cold, foggy valley of hell that will come to put a strain on that love. You cannot love someone, anyone, without the accepting that at some point in your relationship they will disappoint you.

But, that is exactly what love is about. Accepting those lows, knowing they won't last forever, knowing another climax is just up the bend if you keep on loving that person. You cannot love someone for whatever reason with accepting the pain that comes from the love of expecting something better from them. For what is love but putting someone up on a pedestal? At some point, they will waiver and fall off that expansive cliff. But, realize they are only human and we all fall off our pedestals at some point. It's human. And that's why I love you, whoever you are. That's why God loves you because He made you to be loved.

I have a friend who is a talented genius. He unfriended me on Facebook over what amounts to his ego being bruised. He has flaws. Of course, he does. He is human. But despite my disappointment in his reaction to events, I still love his talent and I accept the disappointment of his decision to unfriend me.

There another friend to who I absolutely love with all of my heart. He is lost right now and is searching for direction. But, I love him nonetheless.

My own son is the subject of so much frustration in my life. He bit my head off today over his own frustrations. I don't quit loving him. I accept his anger with life and love him at all costs.

I wonder how a girl I once knew is feeling. I know she has a very different life now and I assume she's happy. Though, we haven't spoken to each other in many years, I still love her and what she meant in life. I sometimes wonder if I should try to contact her, but I don't know if I can love her (aka: accept the pain that comes with it) again.

And, there's more I want to love... and maybe even do. And I want to know if these friendships will survive and grow stronger after the first few disappointments. It'll be interesting to see who God is intending to stick around for more than a season.

The point is if you are willing to love, you have to be willing to forgive. You have to be willing to accept that you yourself will experience pain proportional to the amount you love a person. If you are going to love... hard... expect to fall hard (Don't you dare think, 'That's what she said.').

And that's the lesson for today. Love can bring you to the highest places. It can fulfill your life and make you whole. But you have to accept the pain that comes along with it. If you love, you will feel pain. And, you know, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Think of it this way... From the song, "Seasons of Love" in Rent, the lyrics call for us to "measure your life in Love." Well, if we measure our lives that way, the valleys are just as important as the hills. Love is not measured just by the hills, but the distance between the summit's peak and canyon's base.

So, don't be afraid to love someone for any reason. Yeah, you're going hit a low and wonder what the fuck. It's going to suck so fucking much. But, the opposite high of that is, oh, so absolutely and completely worth it.

One more thing, Sylvia Plath taught me that. Love.

Thank You/RIP

2010-08-20T17:10:00.000-04:00

The man I feared the most growing up passed away last night. And, I wish to thank him for wonderful childhood memories. Yeah, that sounds weird and it gets weirder because I'm talking about General Skandor Akbar, leader of Devastation, INC. Old-school wrestling post.

He was probably the reason my parents wouldn't let me watch pro-wrestling as a kid. Ok, it was probably more than him. But General Akbar was the man I most feared growing up. He was the evil Arab manager of such wresting legends like Kamala, Abdullah the Butcher, the Missing Link, One Man Gang... the list goes on. He and his faction literally gave me nightmares.

I remember a dream I had as a kid where Devastation, Inc. broke into my house and hunted me down. Mind you, they didn't beat me up. No, the General himself took out a tommy gun and shot me down. I laugh about that now. This was long before I knew wrestling was... well, scripted.

Devastation, Inc taunted my heroes. If memory serves, General Akbar himself blinded "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan with a fireball. This was in Mid-South Wrestling, later known as Universal Wrestling Federation. He may have even had a feud going with Sting. All I remember is if you were to top good guy in Mid-South, Akbar and his crew were after you. And, I hated this man for it. I hated the way he ordered his faction to destroy my heroes week after week. There was nothing I could do to help them. And, I'd tune in the next week, hoping and praying my favorite good guys would finally get the best of Devastation, Inc.

When I was older, I was hired to "be security" at an independent wrestling show in my hometown. I just had to make sure no fans came through the back curtain. I was in on the ruse by this time. All the wrestlers were friends backstage. I remember even seeing two guys in a heated feud outside in their rental car smoking a joint together.

Much to my surprise, General Skandor Akbar was at this event. Heck, in retrospect, he was probably booking the show. This guy is like 5'6" and by this time I towered over him. And, it's funny, but I was still very intimidated by him. I had a thought that introduce myself at this event. But, I never did. Still too scared, I guess.

This guy was so good at what he did, he had to wear bullet-proof vests to the arena. He kept his personal life private to protect his family. His tires got slashed, windshields shattered and he received many death threats. He was ambushed by mobs with sticks and stones. But, the more you hated him, the more he loved it.

Now as I learn of his passing, I wish I would have spoken to him. I would of thanked him for letting me hate him. I would of said, "General Akbar, I have hated you all my life and I just wanted to say thank you for that privilege and honor." And, you know, I have the feeling he would of laughed and taken that as one of the highest compliments a heel wrestling/manager can receive from a fan.

Thank you General Skandor Akbar. May you rest in peace.

A Letter for Whoever is Supposed to Read It

2010-08-19T09:54:00.000-04:00

Hello,

I'm not sure who this letter is meant for. I might be you; it might not. But, if you bear with me, perhaps you will find it worth your while.

I had an amazing conversation with a good friend last night. We talked about God's Plan and happiness and how some times the two don't seem to meet. At least, it sure can feel that way, don't you think? You've felt that before right?

Anyway, we were talking how that maybe there's some people who experience God's love as happiness - pure joy - and that's all they ever really see. They are rewarded for following God's laws and follow the Bible's teaching. Maybe they donate to charity or volunteer at a homeless shelter or something. And, that is good. The world needs these people.

But, then maybe there's people like us; people who experience God's love through pain. That pain could be physical. It could be mental. Maybe the pain is just loneliness. But, they (we) experience the depression and lows of life and express that pain through whatever their "art" may be. I don't just mean painting and sculptures when I say "art" either. I mean creative expression. For me, that's writing and theater. Different for everyone... But, these people are important, too, for they show us that despite the pain, God loves us.

It's not that God chooses for us to live in pain or doesn't want us to be happy. Instead, he lets us experience these things, these evils, so we can recognize them for what they are and use that experience and sight for His good. The world needs these people, too.

I guess what I am driving at is if you made it here, there's probably a reason beyond knowing me in real life. Something brought you here. I don't know what that reason is and maybe you don't either.

If there's a point for you to take away from this letter, it is this: I know you are in pain. I know that you are feeling lonely. I know that you maybe aren't feeling loved. I have seen this myself and have experienced, too.

But, believe me, you are not alone and you are loved. You will never be alone and you will never go unloved. Jesus does indeed love you and will help you carry your load.

Just reach out and ask. And if you need help, my email is just sitting out there on the right. Or leave a comment.

Love,

ML

Dream Job

2010-08-18T08:01:00.000-04:00

So, I saw this job is sitting out there... Creative Director, On-Air Promotions @ WWE.

And this one... Creative Writer @ WWE

Can you say "dream jobs?" I knew you could.

Intimidated

2010-08-17T15:40:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I guess I'm trying to decide if I want to get better at writing poetry/lyrics or if this is really just for myself. I've looked up some online poetry workshop websites... I am Intimated, to say the least. There's one that has a forum meant for n00bs. Oh my goodness, the critiques are harsh. Harsh. Not sure if I want to dip my toe in there or not.

Granted, the website is prefaced with very adequate warnings about what to expect. The FAQ talks about how it is a forum to be critiqued in order that the writer can learn and get better. That's what I want.

I guess the think that scares me a FAQ called "Five Beginner's Blunders." Specificially, the number 2 blunder:

"... ignoring the audience. Everybody writes for their own satisfaction, and beginning authors may have received praise from family or friends for their work. At pffa, you are putting poems on display for strangers. They only know you through the words you put on the page. They don't know that you're only fourteen years old, or that you just broke up with your lover, or that your child just died unless the words in your poem convey this information."

Wait. Writing isn't for me? It's for someone else?

Honestly, that's kinda scary. But, wait... What am I doing here? Is this blog for me? Or is it for you? After lurking there for a while, I'm not quite sure right now.

Old Posts

2010-08-16T14:43:00.000-04:00

Since I've picked this blogging thing back up, I've gone through the archives, re-reading old thoughts and writings just to relive some memories and, well, see where I've come from to get an idea of where I'm going...

Here's some of my favorite posts:
(Does it make me sound narcissistic that I'm posting a list of my favorite writings, with additional commentary? Gee, I must really love me...)

Faithfully- A glimpse into my love of Journey born out of my childhood. I really like the story-telling in this one.

Visibly Invisible - This was a song I wrote 8 years ago according to the timestamp. It's about I person I once knew. The events never happened, but the person exists. No, I don't hate her. She's one of those people (when I knew her anyway) who should of been more than they were - if that makes any sense. A great person really, who just brings everyone down.

Jesus on the Radio - Actually, it's about Judas. This was written long before I came to walk with Christ. Looking back through my blog now, I see little signs of His calling me, but me not listening yet. Still, Judas is just a very interesting character to me.

A Rebirth - This was me acknowledging God was calling me to walk with Him and the start of a shift in the blog theme at times.

I Shall Call the Pebble, "Dare..." - This is without a doubt the most read post on my blog. Probably about once a day, someone googles the lyrics, and this post comes up. Certainly got the most comments.

Searching for God Knows What - An interesting (to me, at least) essay on my problem with Catholicism growing up.

God Works In Many, Sometimes Funny, Ways - Just a funny story about how I really hate beans. I like the writing.

God Moment - One of my favorite memories. I hope this story isn't one of those, "You had to be there" stories.

Butterfly - Another God moment. This story comes from my mission trip to Gulfport after Hurricane Katrina. It reminds me to slow down and look for God.

Ok. That's enough. Reading through this was more difficult than I thought it would be. You know how you don't like to hear your recorded voice played back? How hearing the sound of your own voice is one of the most uncomfortable things you can hear, possibly more so than nails on the chalkboard? Yeah, that's the equivalent of what reading through some of this was for me. Reliving old wounds, seeing some of the same mistakes... Have I really changed?

Introspective

2010-08-14T23:57:00.000-04:00

From "The Journals of Sylvia Plath:"

Be stoic when necessary and write - you have seen a lot, felt deeply, and your problems are universal enough to be made meaningful - WRITE.

As I read though Ms. Plath's journals, I'm nearly shocked at how similar our thinking is. She writes with such passion in her journals. I can't help but feel exactly the same way, not just as she states in the above quote, but strangely throughout the diary entries I've read so far.

But what confuses me somewhat is her use of the word "stoic." As defined, "stoic," means "of or pertaining to the school of philosophy founded by Zeno, who taught that people should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity." (On a side note, how different is stoicism from... Not Living?)

How can she write so passionately about love, grief, relationships, etc. yet be stoic about it? How can she be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and still write "To A Jilted Lover," or "Mad Girl's Love Song?"

How can I write stoicly? Isn't the point, to put all my passion and heart into writing?

Perhaps what she means here is be stoic in life, but not on the written page. Put all the emotion on to paper.

I'm quite happy that I'm rediscovering my voice. Not just here, but I've started putting words - emotions - down on paper again. Poems or potential lyrics. They aren't great; certainly not good enough to share here yet. But, I'm rediscovering that fire and I like it. In fact, now I'm a bit sad that I gave my guitar away and haven't played a note of music in... well, a long time.

When did I change? Did I somewhere lose the burning from the fire in my heart? When was that? When did I become stoic?

I never asked to be great. Or famous. Or recognized. But I never wanted to be normal.

This is a list

2010-08-11T15:17:00.000-04:00

As much for me to remember as it is a tease for future writings...

Top 10 Blog Ideas I Need To Write About:

10. The Last Angel I Met
9. The Asshole Within
8. Fat and Hairy (That's What She Said)
7. Thank Yous
6. Really, I Don't Remember That
5. Have I Changed or Did I Lose Myself?
4. Standing Up: The Bully Story
3. For the Love of Liz Phair
2. How I Wish I Had Sylvia Plath
1. Why I'll Probably Never Get Around Explaining The Above

Guilty Pleasures

2010-08-09T14:40:00.002-04:00

Wikipedia defines Guilty Pleasures as: “something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. Often, the ‘guilt’ involved is simply fear of others discovering one's lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes, rather than actual moral guilt.”

A List of Guilty Pleasures, in no particular order, or Things that Make Me Happy for No Good Reason:

1. Ke$ha
2. Ok, I admit it. Degrassi
3. The occasionally girlie drink with pineapple juice.
4. OchoCinco
5. High School Musical, but not 2 or 3, or the stage versions, and specifically Ryan & Sharpay’s version of “What I’ve Been Looking For.”
6. Cowboy-esque Shirts that fit.
7. The following musical soundtracks: Cats, A Year With Frog and Toad
8. “The Way You Make Me Feel” by Michael Jackson
9. These words when combined together: passionate, emotion, violent
10. Early morning kitty love
11. Manning Face
12. The bench facing west where the paths fork in Flowing Well Park... Specifically, the view of the sunset from the bench.
13. Deep songs disguised as pop fluff... For Example

Note, Pro-Wrestling is not a guilty pleasure as I have no "guilt" over others discovering my lowbrow taste in fake fighting. However, a John Cena feud/storyline would be a guilty pleasure.

Let's converse. Tell me some of your guilty pleasures in the comments. Or email me

Doubt

2010-08-08T02:20:00.002-04:00

God, what do you want from me? The last time I was like this, you turned me toward you. Is that what you are doing? What if I don't want to turn right now? Why even make me feel at all? Can you teach me without making it sting? Is this really the temptation, the test, to see if I'm learning, to see if I'll break? Obviously, I am if I am filled with such doubts I know where I stand and what to do; I'm just maybe a little resistant to accept the honor. Can't you bring the moment here, now, so I can show my resolve, my strength and be done? Test me so I can either pass or fail, but take these doubts away. I can take failing because then I'd know what I need to do, what to work on. This constant back and forth is the drain.

Is it possible to love You and follow You, yet fully be the artist I need to be? I need to create. I need to express. I need to write. I need passion. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is my "Starry Night." My "Scream." Bohemian Christian... Is that an obtainable and sustainable lifestyle? Does it scream of love for You, of life, of people, of emotion, temptation, depression, sin, a journey with You?

If this is truly the story of my relationship with You, I think it is great we fight like a married couple and I always can express my frustrations. And You listen. I know you listen. You know where those pains are coming from because You know what is in my heart. Thank You for loving me and being a God who is passionate about our relationship.

As I reflect, I still have my doubts and consider deleting this. Perhaps, I'll feel different in the morning.

No, you know what, if this is testimony and therapy and the pouring of it all out there, I cannot be afraid of letting my love for You be hidden by my own censorship. You give me strength. You give me love. You give me wisdom. I cannot live afraid.

Five-Seven-Five

2010-08-04T12:25:00.001-04:00

A long, long time ago, I used to write more. Poems - generally, badly written ones - were my thing. I think I'd like to maybe get back to that again. In the meantime, here's some haikus:

These haikus of mine,
Like rivers, they ebb and flow
Written over time.

The thing that is best
And the heart's true desire
Are never the same.

As the last leaf falls,
The sun pays attention and
The giving tree grows.

I could write more poems
Of grander size, theme and scope.
But who has the time?

Worst. Dad. Ever.

2010-08-03T17:05:00.001-04:00

I just want to understand why or how I became the Worst. Dad. Ever.

Is it wrong to be honest with your child? Is it wrong to warn them how unfair and cruel the world is? Is it blasphemy to try to teach them respect and discipline? Can a father not point out where mistakes were made, how to better handle a situation the next time, and maybe most importantly, understand that actions have consequences?

Isn't that my job as a parent? To say, hey, I understand that you are a free spirit and I get that and I love you and your individuality. But, the world thinks that tattooed 17-year-old's without a GED or diploma can only flip burgers or be fry cooks. Yes, it's unfair, but that's reality. And that means you have to work 10 times as hard as everyone else to achieve your dreams and goals. Your goals are achievable, but you have to do to work to reach them. I just want to make sure you understand that. I don't have a problem with certain choices you have made.

Yet, this is not love? This is not caring?

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my son. Not my step-son. MY son. I am just frustrated with how my love comes across. I am frustrated that I struggle with the balance between giving him space to learn and grow and keeping him leashed to reality. Somehow, that unbalance is perceived as... un-love... (Hate is the opposite of love, and certainly the wrong word).

And, if you do read this one day, please understand I am not criticizing you. In fact, this is a lot more about what I perceive as my own failures, frustrations and insecurities. I want to know one day before I die that I didn't screw up my one and only opportunity to be a father. You may not understand it now, but I hope you one day see that my frustration is proof that I do love, care and respect you. If I didn't, I wouldn't have such a passionate response.

My only fault is caring and loving too damn much. I'm sure his grandfather would, with a twinkle of wisdom in his eye, say, "Like Father. Like Son."

Since we are made in God's image, we feel the same passionate emotions. I bet He feels the same frustration with His and my relationship as I do with ours.

"Hardest Part of Love" lyrics from Children of Eden:

Oh this son of mine I love so well
And all the toil it takes
I'd give to him a garden and keep clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes
He goes charging on the cliffs of life
A reckless mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble
I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless
And he'd still refuse to hear

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go

As a child I found a sparrow
Who had fallen form the nest
And I nursed him back to health till he was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it
It would peck and scratch my chest
Till I let it go
And I watched it fly away from me
With it's brightened self resolve
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungry and I feared it might go wrong

But I could not close the acorn
Once the oak began to grow
And I cannot close my heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go

And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go

Question for God and Prayer

2010-08-01T12:13:00.003-04:00

Despite my knowing You never give me more than You know I can handle, I swear it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You sometimes ask too much of me and my fragile, frail shoulders. And I wish You'd stop that.

I've been the "good guy" all my life and sometimes I think all the respect garnered for doing the right thing isn't nearly as good as the happiness that I think I deserve more.

Please stop making me choose respect over happiness. Can't I have both? Can't Your plan for me include my own happiness?

Make me stronger. Thank you.

PS: Even your son had his doubts.
PPS: I want my Sylvia fucking Plath.

The Ugly Side

2010-07-30T11:38:00.000-04:00

There's probably a good reason why I have neglected blogging for a long time now. Time being a major factor. Interest being another. But, when I really think about, perhaps it really boils down to... how can I explain it? Let's try it this way...

There's a song by Blue October called, "Ugly Side" on their History for Sale album (incredible songwriting on this album, by the way) and the chorus goes, "I only want you to see/My favorite part of me/And not my ugly side."

How true. There's many things over the years of maintaining this blog that I haven't shared. A lot of things I might be too embarrassed to put out there, or maybe ashamed to admit, too. And part of my struggle keeping this sight going is remaining honest with you, the reader. Am I really being honest "living online," if I don't speak about the bad things in my life, too? Life ain't always a bowl of cherries...

Granted, if you go through the archives, you'll find quite a few stories of me not living up to my expectations, or perhaps a story or two that ends with you being disappointed in how I acted or handled something. But, I'm really starting to think that for the past two years or so, the image I have put forth here is not necessarily a completely honest one. Even not posting kinda says something, right? And the whole point for me is to be completely honest, showing the good and bad. Isn't it a bit false, otherwise?

Over the existence of Everything Grey, it has morphed from a journal-type thing to a documentation of my ongoing spiritual journey, showing how the Christian path has changed my life. This has become my living testimony. And, I think to truly be a Witness, the whole story has to be told - a story that probably doesn't end until I die (and on some level maybe not then). Somewhere in my reasons for blogging is the hope that someone perhaps stumbles across this site, reads the ups and downs, and maybe that influences them into looking up this Christianity thing and learns that it is really about a fixing a broken relationship between ourselves and God.

One of the biggest principles of Christianity is giving your life over to God and humbling yourself before Him. I've been quite stubborn since I've dropped writing here and I know that I haven't been living up to that principle. Today, I'm just admitting it. I could say that I haven't had the time to dedicate to... read the Bible more, pray more, talk to God more. And, some might probably agree... But the ugly truth is I'm just starting to recognize that I'm running away from God when I should be running to embrace Him.

That is not to say that I no longer have faith in God, or don't believe in Him. I do. I just haven't been an very active participant in our relationship for a while. And the ugly truth is, I'm not sure when I'll get more active again.

If there's a problem, the first step to healing is admitting there is a problem in the first place. I admit there is a general lack of active participation in my relationship with God. That's step one, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure when I'm going to take step 2. I'm not exactly positive what that step is just yet.

I'm not even sure if I'm going to continue writing here. But remember, Christianity for me is about the journey to get to Heaven and less so actually getting there. Once you're there, you're there. But until I'm there, yes, I am tempted. Yes, I do give in to temptations. The journey is not perfect and neither am I.

I just ask for patience and forgiveness.

Simple Explanation of Faith

2010-07-29T08:47:00.000-04:00

This might be the most simplest explanation of Faith in God I have run across. Don't know where it originated, but the place I found it (the comment's section of Fark of all places), said they were paraphrasing...

A poor man comes out onto the porch every day and says, "Dear God, please save my family from hunger. All of my money goes to paying for this house." Every day, his atheist neighbor yells over, "You're a fool! There is no God!"

One day, as the man comes out to pray, he sees several bags of groceries lying there. He says, "Thank you God for providing for my family. I knew you'd hear my prayers." At that point, the atheist neighbor jumps out and says, "Ha! I bought those groceries! There is no God!"

The poor man then says, "Dear God, thank you for not only providing for my family, but getting the atheist to pay for it!"

Moral of the story: Perception is reality

I think that pretty much sums it up...

Hell Freezing Over

2010-01-26T16:04:00.002-05:00

There's a joke in South Louisiana that goes like this:

Boudreaux and Thibodaux both died and ended up in hell. The devil greets them and welcomes them to their everlasting torture.

"Is it too hot for you," asks Satan.

"Brah, we from South Luzianna. We used to da heat," Boudreaux told him. So, Satan cranks up the heat in hell.

"How about now? Is it too hot for you," he asks the cajuns. They both laugh.

"It jus' 'bout as hot as my gumbo wit da Tabasco sauce. Dis ain't hot," Thibodaux told him.

Frustrated, Satan gets an idea and turns the temperature down so low it starts snowing in Hell.

Boudreaux and Thibodaux start jumping up and down, screaming and hollering with glee. Satan doesn't understand their reaction, so he says, "I cranked the heat up and you loved it, so I froze the place and now your celebrating?!? What gives?"

They, continuing their celebration, replied, "THE SAINTS JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL!!!"

It took 43 years for the New Orleans Saints to reach this point, but they are finally here. And, the son of their most beloved icon stands in their way. That's pretty much how the Saints have rolled through out their franchise history. One disappointment after another.

For example, when Hartley lined up to kick the field goal that would ultimately send them to Miami, I can guaranty there was not one Saints fan who thought he would make it. After 43 years of, "Really, WTF?" we Saints fans are used to being let down. So, when Hartley split the uprights, before the raucous cheering, there was a brief half-second of silence. We had to make sure what we saw actually happened and we weren't dreaming.

This is what Saints fans are used to. A few years ago, we were playing the Jaguars and the playoffs were on the line. Win and get in, lose and no playoffs. Down 20-13 with :07 seconds left...

That's right. They pull off an incredible hook-n-ladder-esque finale only to have the kicker shank the PAT and lose. We haven't trusted a kicker since. How we missed ol' Morten Andersen, aka: The Saints Franchise all-time scoring leader... a field gold kicker is our all-time scoring leader. He last kicked for the Saints in 1994.

But that's the past and the future is now. And the Black and Gold boys are heading to the Super Bowl to face the Colts.

Growing up around New Orleans and now calling Indianapolis home, I perhaps have one of most unique perspectives on the Super Bowl XLIV. So, people are wondering who I am rooting for... Fair question.

In all honesty, I am going to happy no matter who wins. Though, my level of elation will be 1000x higher if the Saints win. Heck, I'll probably cry if they win. But,to be perfectly frank, while I will be rooting for the Saints, I expect the Colts will win. Here's why:

From where I sit, these are the two best teams in the NFL today. They are both #1 seeds. They both have a great quarterback. They both have outstanding O-Lines and D-Lines. They are so evenly matched, in my opinion, that you have to look at the unknowns.

The game is going to come down the following:
1. Quarterback protection - which ever team can get to the quarterback early and often is going to be in the great position to win. Sacks don't matter so much as rushing the QB into mistakes. As quickly as Drew Brees gets rid of the ball and as nasty as the Saints have been getting to the QB, I have to give the edge to the Saints here. ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

2. Turnovers - which ever team wins the turnover battle will have an edge. There's a reason why the Vikings had fumblitis. It's because the Saints don't just tackle the man with the ball, they swing their arm back and punch the ball out of the runners hand. The Vikings had 6 fumbles and only 1 was not caused by the Saints. That was the awkward hand-off between Favre and Peterson. The Colts caused 30 takeaways compared to the Saints 46 (regular and post-season combined). ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

3. Special Teams - Field position is everything. Percy Harvin never got a chance to run one back on the Saints for one reason - the ball was always unreturnable. The Saints kicked it out of the end zone most of night and the Vikings started alot of their drives with a long field. Reggie Bush is always a threat to at least put the Saints in good field position... unless he tries to be a hero and doesn't call a fair catch. Still... ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

4. Luck - Which way the ball bounces, how the refs call penalties, who wins the coin flip... I think the teams are so evenly matched that luck will be a big factor. ADVANTAGE: Hard to say since luck comes in the game. But, is there a more blessed team than the SAINTS?

So, there you have it. Colts are going to win. Wait, you say? Didn't you just explain why the Saints have many advantages against the Colts, you say?

Yep. I sure did. You see, as I said, I'm a Saints fan. I'm used to heart-wrenching disappointment. While I will be rooting for the Saints to win, I completely expect the Colts to break New Orleans' hearts... Probably involving a last second field goal.

But until then, WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAY SAY GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS? WHO DAT? GEAUX SAINTS!

Resolution Broken

2010-01-23T14:41:00.001-05:00

So, yeah... That cooking resolution really didn't go as planned. In fact, unless I count bacon and eggs on the griddle, I'm not sure I've cooked since then. Though, I guess having to deal with a car being in the shop twice in 3 weeks for the same reason has much to do with it. And, the sad news of a good friend from college passing away. So, yeah... haven't really felt much up to it.

Still, I'm not giving up. I'm going to do this... Really, at some point... Soon.

And now for some random thoughts that have nothing to do with each other and probably nothing you are thinking they are related to:

- GEAUX SAINTS!
- Haven't been to church in a few months. I haven't been clicking with the congregation. Still very much a Christian in my beliefs, though I do need to participate with God more.
- Discipline. Discipline. Discipline.

Resolutions

2010-01-04T12:13:00.001-05:00

Funny thing about New Year's Resolutions... Sometime after Christmas and before New Years' Eve, I thought of a really good resolution. Something that I could do without worrying about breaking it. Then, I promptly forgot what it was... Still don't know.

So, over the weekend, I thought of a new one. Lately, I have really been into cooking. Not just cooking, but learning what flavors go well with other flavors. What foods taste good together. So, I figure my resolution is to cook a brand new, never before tried recipe once a week. The goal is to learn more about food, cooking and creating recipes. I firmly believe that a recipe is only a guide and not something to be followed to a tea. So, I think this will be a fun experience.

Over the weekend, I made a marinade for some t-bone steaks. Click here for the recipe.

Now, right of the bat, you should know a few things about my experience with this recipe. First, I thought we had lemon juice, but we were out. So, I substituted lime juice. Also, substituted olive oil for the vegetable juice. Second, I didn't use flank steaks, but T-bones. They marinaded for nearly 24 hours. Third, when it came time to grill these suckers, it was about 5 or 6 degrees outside, which was fun. I think the cold affected the charcoal's heat. The grill only got up to about 225F. Lastly, Scooby was not looking like himself all day. When it came time to grill the steaks, I had to pull them off earlier than I wanted and bring him to the Vet ER. He is feeling better. Not sure what they problem was. Likely a combination of overweight and a viral bug that zapped his energy. When we got back, we finished the steaks on a griddle in the kitchen.

Despite all of the above, the steaks were very tender and flavorful. The substitution of lime didn't have an adverse effect on the flavor. For me, the unfortunate part was the too-cold charcoal and the vet trip made it difficult to sear the meat properly. That led to an under-colored finished product, yet still was tasty.

Overall, it was enjoyed by all. So, in that respect, it was a success.

Don't know what my next recipe is going to be. But, I have lots of source materials: from Gordon Ramsey to Betty Crocker cookbooks and the plentiful internet. I'm sure I'll find something fun. The trick for this is to plan ahead and shop for the right ingredients. If I can do that, I'll be able to keep this resolution.

Thoughts on teh Gay

2009-06-24T10:40:00.003-04:00

A friend on Facebook posted a note about a conversation she had with her dad about homosexuality. That's her story, so I won't recap it, but it probably went how you'd expect a conversation with a DE-VOUT fundamentalist Christian to go. I left a comment on that note that I now wish to expand on and clarify. This was my comment:

Ask him if it's ok for heteros to have anal sex and watch his head spin. It's one of my favorite questions to ask my Christian friends.

Reading over that now, I think a person can assume a lot about that statement that isn't there.

First a bit of background. On Facebook, I list myself as a "Thinking Christian" which, to me, means that I believe in God, Jesus Christ and His Resurrection, but I also don't blindly trust everything religious leaders have tried to teach me. My brand of Christianity is deeply rooted in questioning my faith and beliefs. I like to talk to God, ask Him questions, and learn from the messages He has for me. It's a very personal relationship that does not fall inline with "mass organized religion" or that thinking. In other words, I like to think for myself. And while I admittedly don't always get it right, I have no doubt that God accepts my questioning Him. I also have no doubt that this kind of questioning is what God wants from our relationship - regardless of whether we get the "right" answer. I think He is more concerned with our journey to get the answer. By the way, this is my journey and I don't expect others to have the same journey.

So, getting back to the whole homosexuality and Christianity thing. A few years ago a good friend and I had an email conversation on the subject. He was curious as to my thoughts on the subject, as I was relatively new to the Christianity thing at the time.

I told him of my Catholic upbringing and how, as a teen, I never felt connected to the religion. I specifically remember reading from a Bible given to me as a Catechism student Leviticus 18:22 (yes, THAT verse). In that Bible, it said, "Do not have sex with other men. God HATES that." Note, the emphasis on HATE is from that particular version (it wasn't NIV, that's for sure). And I remember thinking, "Wait... God hates?" I have never understood how God can hate. That goes against everything anyone has ever tried to teach me about God. Further, it goes against everything I have ever learned from God about Himself.

Here's the crux of the problem for me: How can a loving God create a group of people (homosexuals) that are automatically excluded from entering the Kingdom at Heaven at birth? I do not accept that homosexuality is a choice. I have too many gay friends and have watched them come out to know that it is not a choice. Plus, looking around nature, you'll find plenty of examples of homosexuality in animals (the neighbor's male dog tried to hump Scooby the other day). Did Fido choose to be gay? I don't think so. If homosexuality is not a choice, then why would a loving God create a person He hates the moment the breath of life enters that human? It makes no sense to me that the God I love and follow would condemn a person to a life of lying about who they are. Which by the way, wouldn't the lying about who they are kind of screw their chances of seeing the Pearly Gates? I don't think a truly loving God would do that.

At the time of that email conversation, I stated that I don't know if homosexuality is a sin. I get the feeling that it's not, despite Leviticus 18:22. Either way, it's not a sin I have to worry about committing. So, I don't. And it's not my place to judge those that do have to worry about whether or not it's a sin. It's between God and that person. Just like my own failings are between God and myself.

Now when it comes to gay marriage, the way I see it, I think people of the same sex should be allowed to file their taxes jointly. The government has no business excluding people from stuff that like. If they really want to be as miserable as the rest of us... J/K.

Religiously, if two gay people find a priest, rabbi, minister, whatever, to perform the ceremony before God, then who am I to say that God doesn't acknowledge their unity? It doesn't affect my marriage.

Later in the conversation, my friend wanted to my thoughts on a more... ahem... probing question - namely my thoughts on gay sex being a sin. Which brings us back to the Facebook note and my comment. I was thinking of this reply from the email convo when I commented:

Is it a sin for a guy and a girl in a committed, monogamous relationship to have anal or oral sex? If it is, then I have to think it would be the same for a homosexual couple... But, I don't think it is. One of the gifts God gave us was sexual intimacy. Again, if homosexuality isn't a choice, then I don't think a just, fair, loving God would exclude a segment of His people from the love that sexual intimacy in a monogamous relationship provides.

My point: I don't think God cares who we have sex with, so long as it happens with a person we've built a relationship with based on love. Outside of that context, then perhaps, that's where we get into a lot of trouble.

Considering...

2009-04-10T15:22:00.002-04:00

For the, like, 2 people who might actually care, I am considering picking this back up again... Note, I don't have a strong feeling about it either way. But, I might have things to say still... That is all.

Reflections on 2008

2008-12-31T17:07:00.005-05:00

2008 started off to be a very promising year. In January, work looked up as I in line for a temporary promotion. The company was investing in a technology that would nearly automate the daily tag & bag process every TV station in the country goes through. I was brought in at the beginning stages to be the “Manager” of a new department that would be housed locally. It was to come with a higher salary. Basically, I was going to do all the leg work in setting up the process and procedures. Then, once the system was ready to go, part-time or entry level positions would maintain it. From there, I would go back to working my normal job at the new salary. Sadly, before the system was even ready for me to start working, engineering figured it was nearly impossible to implement due to the amount of RAM and processing power needed to run the entire (and I’m talking 30 or so stations networked across the country) system. So, by March or April that completely fell through.

Oh, and the company declared bankruptcy recently. Actually, I’m not too worried about that, layoff-wise. We are a hub for the entire company. And, we turn a decent profit. Plus, most of the debts are on the print side of things, and it’s most likely layoffs will come from that sector. Also, I’m probably one of the least expendable people in my department. But, really who knows? All I know is I’m not worried about it.

Theatre-wise, I did as much as I intended to do this year, which was pretty much nothing ‘cuz I needed a break. Well, nothing ON-stage. I worked on a few shows backstage for the money. And enjoyed every minute of it. Enjoyed it enough to put a little seed in the back of my head for a career change when I don’t have to have a stead income (ie: No kids; no responsibilities).

In fact, I realized that theatre was missing from my life, and in 2009, it will be theatre filled. First, I recently joined the board of directors for my local community theatre. That’s been quite interesting so far (and that’s quite the understatement). Now, I’ll be producing “Guilty Conscience” for CCP starting right at the beginning of the year. The show runs at the end of February and goes into March, but a lot of my work on it will be in January and February. Then, after that, I said I would work crew on “Ms. Saigon,” at Footlite Musicals for Noffke. That will take me into May. By then, we’ll be diving head first into “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” We’ve been working on that since March 2008 and it will be wonderful to actually cast the show and start rehearsals. After that, who knows. Hopefully, I’ll be able to work on “Frog and Toad” again in 2009. It’s just so much fun, and money to boot.

Then, the biggest news from 2008 – Tricia’s back surgery. It’s hard to believe that it’s taken up the last six months of our life. The bad pain started with an ER visit. Then a few Spine Dr. visits later, we knew she would need the surgery. That was in early September, and she’s hasn’t worked since Labor Day. That put a big strain on us financially. But, the good news is that we are at least floating and not dead in the water. In fact, she got the A-OK to return to work on January 5th. I hope that’s not too early nor too strenuous for her back, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t need her paycheck. Thankfully, most of the surgery bills were covered by insurance, but we will be paying our chunk of the bill for the next year. She’s healing quite well, by the way. Most of her back pain is gone. And, she’s thrilled to be able to get out of the house and back to work. She doesn’t deal well with sitting at home with nothing to do.

A bright spot has been the evolution of my relationship with my son. The teenage years have been very frustrating. But, I think I learned the key to it all – Understanding his language and communicating correctly. I don’t mean talking all, “OMG BBQ BFF Jill,” like the kids do these days. I mean hearing what he’s saying, not just the words, but the meaning. For example, when I say, “What are you up to?” what he hears is, “What kind of trouble are you getting into now?” So, his reply is, “Nothing” because he isn’t doing anything to get into trouble. But, that’s not what I’m asking and I can plainly see that he’s doing “Something.” After all, doing mundane things is still something. So, I would get frustrated because we were speaking different languages. Now, I think we have a better understanding of where we’re both coming from and the yelling has decreased significantly. Of course, there is the occasional, “I need you to clean this to my standards not yours,” argument. Followed by the, “It might not be yours to pick up but, either A) you took it out and therefore need to place it where it belongs, or B) I’m trying to get this other thing done and we need your help in other areas (it’s called contributing to help the family, now get off the couch!),” argument. But, yesterday, he gave me a hug for my birthday and, you know, that’s all I ever really wanted.

Changing the subject drastically, you know, I just haven’t been able to connect with God much this year. It’s not like I’m losing faith. No, I just haven’t had time to talk with Him like I should, or reflect on how He’s blessed me in the past year. I do believe He’s been taking care of us. But, I have trouble noticing those “small miracles” in life. I do need put more focus on God in the new year.

I guess that’s one of the things I’ve been struggling with: Do we ever reach a point where we don’t have to run as hard to keep up with God? Where our day-to-day actions with and for God come more naturally… I’m getting tired of going to bed thinking, “Crap, I didn’t get a chance to read the Bible or really sit down with God for a spell.” I don’t know…

Anyway, here’s hoping for an outstanding 2009! It’s gotta be better than 2008. I mean, the bar is pretty low…

Also, I know I'm not blogging much anymore. I don't have much interest in this anymore. I'm not saying I'm closing the shop, but just don't expect it to be open all the time. When the passion strikes me, I'll tap the keys. But, I posted 20 times (including this post) this year. 20% of that were updates on Tricia's back that were emailed to people anyway. I don't know when the next post will be or if there will be a next post. If there's a way to easily archive all of this, I might end up taking it down. I really don't know. I'm typing whatever comes out of my fingers right now, so I might just be talking... Stay tuned... Or don't... Or do...

In the meantime, here's a picture of Nikita sleeping under the Christmas tree:

Ham at 3am

2008-12-26T11:12:00.003-05:00

Cops can be dicks.

'Round about 3:11am this morning, I was awoken by ringing telephone. Glazing at the caller ID, I almost didn't answer it because it said "Privacy Manager." Luckily, I did.

"Hello, this is a call from the Carmel Police Department," the recording said.

What the fuck? What did the kid do to get into trouble?

After the recording, a police officer begins questioning me as to the whereabouts of my son. Mind you, I'm not very coherent due to, you know, waking up from a dead sleep. Try explaining to a cop at 3am why your "Mr. Long" and not "Mr. Schiro," especially when you have no inkling as to why said cop is calling.

"He's supposed to be at Kane's house."

"Do you know Kane's last name?"

"Um..." was the best my groggy mind could muster.

"Your son is with some other kids, sir. He's underage and out after curfew."

At this point, I'm trying to piece it all together. Was my son and other kids walking around the streets at 3am? My wife has woken up enough and can hear the conversation.

"He just came to the house to get some movies and they are going back to Matt's. He called to say they were coming. He even came upstairs and kissed me goodbye."

I am a very sound sleeper and woke up for none of that. Only the cops phone call. So, my son was being driven by Kane's 19 year old brother to get some movies from our house.

The cop proceeds to lecture me about curfews. I start falling back asleep when he asks if we can come pick him up. Really?!? Yes. There were at a certain intersection that was about a mile down the road and less than a mile from their destination.

We pull up to the flashing lights. I get out the car and the cop lectures me and my son about curfews again. Nevermind that he was with a legal adult. Apparently, there have been a rash of break-ins and robberies in the city. And the cop was serving and protecting by pulling over a car with "kids" in it. A car he clocked going 36mph in a 35mph zone.

I don't know where I was going with this post, but geepers. The whole affair really felt, "Cops can be dicks."

Baracked The Vote

2008-11-05T12:27:00.002-05:00

OK, my candidate didn't win. Then again, I wasn't exactly expecting Bob Barr to pull of a miraculous win. I was hoping for a better showing, but alas, it was not meant to be... this time.

While I couldn't vote for Obama, I am glad he won. And, I am proud of my vote. I refuse to vote for the "lesser of two evils." Let me rephrase that as I don't think McCain or Obama were "evils." I refuse to vote for a candidate who's policies are vastly different from what I believe. That is what we SHOULD be looking at when voting. Not race, age, sex, high school GPA, SAT scores, etc.

Like I said, I'm glad Obama is President-Elect. I think the healing and togetherness he'll bring to this country after the past 8 years of divisiveness and hostilities will be worth more than any so-called "damage" he and a Democrat-controlled Congress can do. On a tangent for a sec, I love that Neal Boortz calls this situation the Obama-Pelosi-Reid Troika. I find that statement kinda funny.

Anyway, healing and togetherness... I don't think a McCain presidency could have brought that.

I also think that Obama would at least listen proponents (and opponents) of the FairTax. And, if he thinks its a good thing, as I do, he would push for it.

Not to mention, the historical aspect of Obama being elected. It's not just a black guy in oval office. That in itself is amazing. 120 years after slavery was abolished and 40 year after the Civil Rights Movement, it finally happened. That's a great thing for our country.

His election is also a great thing for younger generations. For ages, politics has been dominated by the baby boomers. And, this is the "change" I am most looking forward, too. Believe it or not, this is a radical change for our country and I think it's a good thing.

So, while "my guy" didn't win, I look at Obama's election as a great thing for this country. I look forward to the future.

Round 2: Town Hall Debate

2008-10-07T20:46:00.026-04:00

To be honest, I'm not sure why I've decided to blog during this 2nd debate. I have decided which candidate for president I am going to vote for. You probably can figure out who by looking around the place carefully.

No, my current thinking is that I'm not voting for McCain or Obama. Both of them voted for that pork-filled bailout. Neither of them is the change I'm looking for in Washington. Neither of them really seem to be about a change in politics. Don't get me wrong, they both would have vastly different presidencies from the last 8 years, but Washington politics would still be the same.

Nor will I be voting for ANY incumbents on a National level, save my US Representative, Dan Barton. And, it's possible I won't vote for him. It is time we kick old politics out of DC. They have shown they do not have the best interests of our country in mind.

Yeah, I'm still pissed about the bailout plan. I can understand the necessity in some respects. But, to be honest, I'm willing to suffer the pains of recession or possible depression, and my family is too, if it were necessary to turn this country around. That's just me though. I don't expect the next man to make the same sacrifices. Plus, I just don't think my personal sacrifice in that regard would be too hard, at least compared to others.

On a forum I frequent, I suggested a plan instead of the bailout that I heard on TV, radio, and from other people. As I suggested, wouldn't it be a better use for that $700 billion to be divided up between the homeowners who are facing foreclosure (the main root of the problem)? Well, not given to them, per say, but used to pay off their home mortgages. Then, they don't have to worry about paying for the roof over their head and could pump that money into the economy. In other words, spending money with small businesses. Doesn't that solve, or at least alleviate, most of the problem?

The main problem people had with that was a moral one - handing out all that free money. I haven't responded to that, but what's the difference between that and the welfare we have now, on a moral level?

But, I digress...

Katie Couric is on. I don't have the remote control. Tom Browkaw is the moderator. It's nice to see him again. As far as the questions, I hope there is a question about the FairTax.

9:02pm - I'm not expecting to have nearly as much to say, compared to the last 2 debates.

9:07pm - I think McCain is wearing the same tie he had on from the last debate. I know it was ugly, red with thin white stripes. Looks very similar.

9:08pm - Yeah, but what IS your proposal?!?

9:09pm - Whoa... McCain knows what eBay is?

9:11pm - This is something I haven't heard at all about the bailout - how does the bailout help, as the cliche has quickly become, Main Street. For example, how does it help people in the inner city?

9:14pm - Thanks for answering the question, Obama, but why should a bad business be allowed to stay open? I know, loss of jobs, etc.

9:17pm - Not to beat the drum, but passing the FairTax goes a long way to getting lobbyists out of Washington.

9:20pm - I'd like to see the line on Obama's spending increases/cuts.

9:21pm - What I'd really like to see in the after programs is how the who asked the questions feel about the answers they received tonight.

9:24pm - I keep hearing McCain say, "I know how to do that." But I don't here, "here's the specifics on how" other than stump speech stuff.

9:28pm - That's a great question about making sacrifices. "Which programs aren't working?" is a great follow-up.

9:38pm - First term as president? That's a little presumptuous, no? You're assuming 2 terms...

9:45pm - I jumped into a live chat and got too distracted to update much for the last 15 minutes or so...

9:47pm - HAHAHA! That's why I like Obama because he can pull off a gentle rib.

9:48pm - UM... How can Bush and Cheney sponsor a bill?

9:53pm - I like what Obama has to say about healthcare, expect he completely loses me when the government has to get involved...

9:55pm - OH, good follow-up question. I expect very different answers. I don't think healthcare is a right/privledge, but it is a responsibility.

9:57pm - I already have that insurance company... But, it was my choice (filtered through my employeer).

10:01pm - Oh, that soundbite is gonna be in an attack add. Obama say, "That's true, there are some things I don't understand." Cue the scary music...

10:03pm - The ML Doctrine - See FairTax, the.

10:04pm - Didn't we do something about the Holocaust? I mean WWII and all? I know we got in late, but still.

10:12pm - I'm officially over this debate. I keep hearing the same canned messages. The same things I think I'd hear at a campaign stop in the next city over.

10:16pm - Nikita wants my attention. She's trying to jump on the keyboard. Cute purring kitties win.

The VP Debate

2008-10-02T20:42:00.049-04:00

Well, the VP debate will start in a few minutes. My preliminary thoughts on Palin and Biden is neither really do much for me. Biden just irks me and I don't like his politics. Governor Palin came on strong at the convention but has since shown that's she's not quite ready for prime time. Both are 2nd on tickets that I now feel have shown why neither is good for this country. I don't think I can really vote for Obama or McCain after they supported the latest "rescue" bill. There's way too much pork in it and it's not the right solution...yet. I'm certainly not voting for incumbents who voted for it. Meanwhile, oil is down to $94. Go figure.

As for the whole Gwen Ifill "Conflict of Interest" thing... Yeah, I do think it's a bit of a conflict of interest, but I do think she'll keep both debaters on task and play it by the rules...

If you have nothing better to do, maybe we can play Palin Bingo?

9:00pm - Here we go. I'm keeping it fair and balanced by watching this on Fox News Channel... I'll change it to CNN later.

9:01pm - Is Gwen Ifill always the VP debate moderator? I know she was for the last one between Cheney and... goodness was it Lieberman? Wow. What a turnaround there.

9:02pm - Haha! "Nice to Meet you! Can I call you Joe?" What? Does she not have Domestic experience either?!?

9:03pm - What's he looking down at? Does he have crib notes? Is that allowed?

9:05pm - Nice job relating to the common-man, Sarah.

9:07pm - The thing that bothers me about "reaching across the aisle" is it always seems to end up screwing the people of America.

9:09pm - Did she just smackdown Palin? I was distracted.

9:10pm - Yes, let's be responsible and live within our means. And let's hope the House rejects the bill McCain and Obama said yes to.

9:12pm - Darn right we need tax relief... and reform... Insert my FairTax plug.

9:13pm - AMEN! You can't decrease taxes without cutting spending.

9:14pm - Wall Street should be allowed to run wild if they choose... and if they screw up they should be allowed to fail.

9:15pm - Yeah, I'm not thinking Gwen is being fair at this point.

9:17pm - I don't think most would say Palin's winning at this point, but I do like what she's saying...

9:19pm - Oh, so I lose part of my paycheck to help pay for the healthcare tax Obama's wants? Do I understand that right?

9:20pm - Nice attempt for a laugh by Biden. "That's what I call a real bridge to nowhere.

9:22pm - You know, I appreciate him telling me about the light. I do.

9:23pm - Pitbull on the attack. That's a pretty shade of lipstick. I can't wait to check Factcheck.org on this debate.

9:25pm - Let me ask a rhetorical question, if an earmark is such a good idea, why does it have to be attached and hidden in another bill?

9:27pm - Subtle notice: She looked at Biden when she said, "we have to put politics aside."

9:30pm - Yes, energy independence. But, what's your plan?

9:31pm - If I understood her answer on climate change, I think I liked it. What I'm saying is her brain was running a little slower than her lips were moving.

9:32pm - I agree there are some man-made causes of global warning, but that's not the whole shebang. The key, surprise, is to be responsible about our actions, and get oil and gas out of our ground. Both can happen.

9:36pm - My wife, who is not watching but instead playing solitaire on her cell phone, says it sounds like Gwen keeps cutting Palin off but not Biden.

9:37pm - I don't think the issue of same-sex marriages is something that will sway my opinion on who to vote for at this time. I'm for them. But, I think there are bigger, more important issues to fight for right now.

9:42pm - I don't think you have a PUBLIC timeline. Maybe a timeline at the highest levels of security.

9:43pm - Or maybe you do listen to the generals on the ground.

9:43:30pm - I wonder what Biden is thinking when he chuckles at her...

9:45pm - Not a "soundbite" for the ages, but strong words from Biden, "John was dead wrong."

9:46pm - Holy crap, I agree with Biden on Afghanistan/Pakistan.

9:47pm - Misfit is seeing ghosts in the house and she's meowing her head off.

9:50pm - Again, not a "soundbite," but tough, stronger words from Biden. I think he might eventually curse.

9:53pm - I'll give him this. Biden knows his foreign policy, at least in reference to Hezebollah. I don't know if he should have said some of the things he said, but he knows that consequences of what happened there.

9:55pm - Biden keeps getting tougher and tougher, and Palin is still cutesy.

9:56pm - That's the best soundbite so far. "It might be different from Bush, but I haven't heard it." Amen.

9:58pm - Oooh, that was a nice bit of anger from Palin. Cool.

9:59pm - At this point, I think Biden will be declared the "winner." Though, it's going to be a split decision that goes the distance and not a knock out.

10:00pm - DARN U-VERSE 4 STREAM LIMIT!

10:01pm - I agree we need to start moving into Afghanistan.

10:04pm - I thought Biden had some great fire and passion in his answer on Darfur. I didn't think she could handle it because she doesn't have foreign policy experience, but I think she took it to a good place.

10:06pm - Oh, he's wearing her down. It's taking her longer and longer to recover.

10:09pm - The wink was cute.

10:10pm - That was Palin's best line, the difference between the two ticket's plans.

10:11pm - I can't imagine Biden's neighborhood is anything like mine.

10:11:30pm - He's smiling like he's saying, "Yeah, Sarah, I know. I'm a politician. It's what we do..."

10:12pm - FUCK yeah get rid of No Child Left Behind.

10:13pm - In her comment about what a V-P does, when it happened, I thought it was a fair question because, well, you know, I don't know what you do for work on a day to day basis. I mean, I'm a promo producer. Do you know what I do at work? Literally, there are days when all I do is watch Family Guy. It's a little more detailed than that, but the point is did you know that without the daily, day-to-day job experience? That's what I thought she was saying a few months ago when she asked exactly what the VP does...

10:18pm - The appealing thing about Palin is she does come off as one of us. The other three, not so much.

10:19pm - Ha, good humble line from Biden.

10:21pm - What am I looking for? The ability to get myself out of debt and better secure my family's future.

10:22pm - Damn right, I didn't see much "aisle reaching" from Republicans or Democrats, oh, in my lifetime maybe?

10:26pm - I just noticed what Gwen is wearing. It hurts my eyes.

Closing Statements:
10:29pm - It's just odd that she hasn't even met Joe Biden until tonight.

10:30pm - Biden appears to be the more straight shooter, but Palin's got a sweet delivery.

How come I can hear EVERY word Palin says after the debate but nothing from Biden?

Afterthoughts:

I come away feeling better about Biden. I don't like his policies, but I'm more comfortable with him. With Palin, I wonder what politics would look like if more politicians were as charming as see appears and as "middle class" as she makes me feel she is.

I think I'll wake up tomorrow and see that Biden won the debate. But, I don't think Palin lost it. I don't think her ticket swayed independants to make a decision tonight, but neither did Biden. I'm very curious to see what FactChecker.org will show about this debate.

The First Debate

2008-09-26T20:41:00.043-04:00

We recently bought a laptop, so I thought I'd "live blog" the debates tonight. I don't know exactly how this is gonna work. So, let's ride this wave together.

Right now, I really don't know how I'm going to vote in the presidential election. It boils down to this: I really like Obama and think he'd be a good leader (see previous posts on Obama), but I don't like how he seems to think government is the answer to everything. I don't really like John McCain and don't trust him too much, but I think he's right on a lot of the issues (see previous post on post-convention thoughts). If I had to vote today, I'd be voting for Bob Barr and smaller government. I am hoping the debates will help me clear things up.

As the debate gets ready to start today, there's something going on about an economy crisis we're in. Perhaps you've heard about it. I'm not an expert, but I kind of think the market should straighten itself out rather than the taxpayers. For example, maybe you missed that Washington Mutual went bankrupt overnight. The FDIC stepped in while we slept and by the morning, JP Morgan Chase bought it. That's how it's supposed to work. The system worked. So, why is this bailout happening?

On to the debates...

9:00pm - I was too young to know or care about Reagan vs. Mondale, but I can see why he was elected. Yes, I'm watching this on Fox News Channel.

9:02pm - I think the moderator is a trusted, respected and impartial journalist. I expect him to keep things fair and balanced... Yes I am watching this on Fox News Channel.

9:03pm - It's a foreign policy debate. First question: Domestic Economics. I can understand that today, I guess.

9:06pm - Prayers for Ted Kennedy, but this is a debate.

9:07pm - Quick comment about the economic crisis. Why does it take a crisis of this magnitude for Dems and Repubs to come together? And, if they have this much trouble doing that, how can we trust them with more mundane issues? I say we don't re-elect Washington incumbents.

9:10pm - I notice Obama has a plan and somewhat spelled it out. I didn't hear that from McCain. Did I miss it?

9:11pm - Hell, yeah we need personal responsibility. I'm speaking to me AND YOU. :)

9:14pm - Beliefs are great. But give me your plan, McCain!

9:15pm - My thoughts on earmarks. If the project is worth the money, why can't it stand on it's own?

9:17pm - Nice job, Obama, stating the fundamental differences between your plan and McCain's.

9:18pm - Obama's smirking like he's got a zinger coming.

9:20pm - McCain's answer on business taxes is why we need the FairTax.

9:21pm - I notice Obama's not jumping in to rebut, but waiting his turn. I like that.

9:23pm - Those loopholes Obama's talking about is also why we need the FairTax. I like how he's talking to McCain, not the moderator or the camera.

9:25pm - I want a new tax code, John. Guess which one?

9:26pm - A half hour in and no foreign policy talk? Did I miss the topic change?

9:28pm - The energy sector is ripe for new jobs, etc. I think Obama is way ahead in the energy debate.

9:30pm - McCain's tie is crap. He failed on dressing himself. That red & white stripe thing will kill him with the younger crowd.

9:31pm - Get'em Jim. Get them to answer the question.

9:34pm - As far as energy, I'd like Obama's plan more if there was more nuclear power involved in his plan.

9:35pm - 3 times, he asked the question. Finally, they answer the question. Ugh.

9:36pm - Hell yeah, as screwed up as the Fed. Government make things, why would we turn healthcare over to it?!? My wife would still be in loads of back pain if we had National Healthcare.

9:37pm - Yes, John, you have a plan. What is it?

9:38pm - Obama looks like he's in control, attacking McCain's record.

9:39pm - Iraq talk. Finally, foreign policy talk.

9:40pm - I do agree with McCain that the consequences of "losing" in Iraq are far worse than the pains of winning.

9:41pm - At this point, it DOESN'T MATTER WHY WE WENT IN. WE DID AND IT WAS FUCKED UP. WE'RE CORRECTING THAT. THAT'S THE REALITY!

9:43pm - I do agree we have to use our military wisely.

9:45pm - John McCain tried to nail him with the committee thing, and Obama smacked that down.

9:47pm - I think Obama is being more truthful, in the telling the whole story sense.

9:52pm - I do think Obama's right in that it's time to start putting our resources in Afghanistan and pulling them out of Iraq. I don't know how much or how many at what time. Obama sounds like he would listen to the generals and leaders on the ground.

9:53pm - The kid called and I couldn't get to the phone in time. I called him back and voicemail. I missed McCain's reply.

9:56pm - I missed that whole thing about attacking Pakistan with McCain. Did Obama say he'd take out terrorists in the hills of Pakistan without their government's permission? Did I get that right?

10:00pm - What's the point of McCain's narrative? I mean, how does that help frame his plans? Plans and issue stances is what I'm looking for.

10:02pm - My eyes would have rolled at stinger McCain sent to Obama. Obama smiled, shook his head, and laughed. Good for him.

10:07pm - Carmel HS "smashed" North Central in football, the kid reports. I missed Obama's Iran answer.

10:08pm - I like Dennis Miller's name for him... Aquavelvetjad.

10:10pm - Obama's leading in the zingers, if not the debate. There hasn't been a "You're no John Kennedy" remark, but still.

10:13pm - What the heck did McCain mean by that 3" taller remark with the North/South Koreans?

10:15pm - I just noticed this. Is that a US Flag lapel pin Obama's wearing? When did he get so "patroitic?" :P

10:15:30pm - John served Barack with that last answer.

10:17pm - I don't think Iran is a 20th century dictatorship. 10th century is more like it.

10:18pm - Listening to Obama talk, he's much easier to talk to and understand than McCain, speaking in common language and with much less doubletalk.

10:25pm - It's breaking down a bit........

10:33pm - Bill Clinton had his left hand thump, Bob Dole had the ink pen in his hand. Obama has the right hand finger pinch.

10:35pm - "I come from Kenya... That's where I get my name." I think that was a subtle response to those "Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim." He's not people. JFC.

Well, I don't think McCain won, but I don't think Obama lost. Some good spirited exchanges, but no "knockout soundbites." I did get some answers I was looking for from Obama about some of his specific plans. I do think that Obama came out "cleaner" in the debate. That goes a long way to helping me pick a president. McCain came on stronger in near the end, but I don't know if that is what I'm looking for.

I've got cinnamon toast to make. Good night!

Rainbow Conspiracy

2008-09-09T16:13:00.002-04:00

What scares me isn't how moronic this person is. But, that this person will likely be voting in November.

Hot Air

2008-09-04T23:37:00.002-04:00

Well, I've watched Obama's acceptance speech, Gov. Sarah Palin's speech and John McCain's acceptance speech, and I currently have the overwhelming feeling that I will be voting for Bob Barr in November.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely loved Obama's speech. It was very moving, but the next day I couldn't remember a single policy he outlined. I absolutely loved Sarah Palin's speech. I thought she handled it all very well and showed what she's all about. But again, I can't remember a single policy, except "Drill Now" type of stuff. McCain's speech didn't do a whole lot for me.

So, I guess I'm back to voting for the issues. And, really that's how everyone should be voting - basing their vote on the issues in which they believe.

I'm still planning on listening to all the debates. I should be able to make up my mind by then. With those, I, again, am looking for specific policy and not "my opponent says..." rhetoric.

Of course, the one who said "I'll pass the FairTax" first will get my vote. I have been looking for info on Palin's stance on the FairTax, but I haven't found anything.

Either way, if I had to pull the lever today, considering Indiana is likely to go to McCain, I'd check Bob Barr's box. After all, the best change I can think of is a third party rising in prominence.

Tricia's Fine

2008-09-02T20:53:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update...

The surgery went as smoothly as it could. No complications or problems. She's in a hospital room with a self-medicating morphine drip. She'll be there for a few days until she's basically able to tolerate the pain associated with getting up to use the bathroom. It should clarify that the pain she is in is due to the surgery. All early indications seems to point to the surgery itself being a success. The herniated disc isn't causing her any noticeable pain.

Great News.

Tricia's Back Surgery

2008-08-31T23:09:00.003-04:00

We sent this email out to family and friends earlier:
(I'm posting it for people who's email I don't have)

We wanted to take a moment to let you know about Tricia's ongoing back problems. It has gotten bad enough that surgery is necessary to eleveate the pain. So, she will be having surgery on Tuesday morning to repair a herniated disc. Also, the doctor will be fusing the lowest vertabrae to the second lowest. While the surgery is not without risks, we are very confident that she will come out of this just fine. She will be staying at St. Vincent Carmel in the brand new Orthopedic wing. After a few days, she'll be able to go home for bed rest. The doctor said that for 2 weeks she'll be in a lot of pain due the the fusion. She'll pretty much be in bed and get up for the bathroom. It'll be about 6 weeks for her to recover from the surgery and she should be able to resume "normal" activities (like work and sewing again) in 3 or 4 months.

She'll be staying at St. Vincent Carmel for a few days if you wanted to visit or call. Let me know if you wish to and I will send you room and phone info. Also, she'll be at home and in bed for a while if you wanted to keep her company while I'm at work or whatnot. (Addresses and phone numbers from original email deleted 'cuz this is the internet).

If you have the inclination, please pray that the surgery goes smooth and is successful. Also, that the recovery process takes hold and goes well. And, while you're praying, you might as well say a word or two about our families and friends who are evacuating from South Louisiana because of Gustav.

Theatre Snob? Moi?

2008-08-19T15:15:00.005-04:00

Sometimes, I think I'm a "theatre snob." I see a lot of shows in a year and there's not a whole lot of them I think are good. I know a good show when I see one, and I'm pretty sure I know a bad show when I see one. While I can appreciate the hard work, thought and effort that goes into creating a production, there's a difference between appreciating the effort and seeing a good show.

***Warning to my theatre friends, you might not like this post. If I say something about your show, please take it in the constructive criticism vain it is given.***

In the past month, I've seen three shows that numerous others have lavished praise on. When I say, "lavished praise," I mean what others say completely differs from what I saw and would say about the show. One show was actually quite good.

"Bare," presented by All Alike Productions and Zach Rosing Productions was one of the better shows I've seen all year (Check out some highlites here). Admittedly, my expectations were low because there wasn't much money to put into production values. But, the cast and crew did a good job putting the story together and forming a show that exceeds the production values. The only nitpicks I have about this show is a costuming detail and a thought about a leading lady. It's set in a Catholic High School where students are seemingly required to wear uniforms. But if memory serves, there was one or two "uniforms" that didn't match the others. By that I mean, most were in a blue and green plain skirt, and one or two were in a red and yellow plaid. My colors might be off, but the point is they were radically different from each other. As far as the leading lady, she created a great character and had some great moments. She has one hell of an emotional song in Act 2. Other's thought it was lovely. I would say it sounded like she was taught the song, but not trained to sing it. That is, some of the parts were at the top of her range and there was a bit of a "scream" to her singing. Of course, my ears are more sensitive to little things like that. So, take it for what it's worth. The emotion and the character were there, just a bit screechy for my ears.

Also, April, if you read this... You OWNED that character. That was the best I have ever seen you.

Then, there's "Seussical" from CCP. Actually, the only people I've heard saying great things about it where the people that were apart of the show. I'll say that right of the bat it would be difficult for me to enjoy ANY production of "Seussical." The book is just bad. Needless to say, I did not like it, Sam I am. Now, the leads were good in their roles. But some of the production staff's choices left me scratching my head.

For instance, they probably spent over $3,000 renting, buying costumes and wigs for the various characters. The Who's were all pink. If it was pink, it was worn. My problem isn't the color, it's lack of continuity. The Who's wore probably 10 different eras of clothing (60s, 70s, 80s, etc) but nothing went together. Kind of a hodgepodge of pink, rather than a thought out design choice. Then, at the very beginning, all of the Who's come out wearing their show T-shirt. When I realized one character had come out in this orange "Seussical" shirt, I thought he got to the theatre late and didn't have time to change. Next scene, they're all in their pink.

And, for some reason, some of the animals were "Lion King" inspired costumes, while others seemed to be actual animals, and still others were human personification of animals. I appreciate the effort to bring all this out, but the lack of continuity and vision really hurt the costuming.

Let's not talk about the lighting, sound, and orchestra.

Which brings me to "Pippin." "Pippin" made me a little mad. I've worked with most of the leads in Pippin. I've seen their and most of the staff's work, respect them all, and know of what they are capable. Still, the show left me kind of empty. So, much potential on that stage...

Actually, I think the "circus performer" concept and design was a great idea for the show. It was an interesting way to present the story. The execution wasn't all there though. If the leading player is supposed to be the "Ringmaster" of the "circus" and the ensemble are all "circus performers," why not the supporting characters and leads? I didn't see that they related to "circus" atmosphere at all.

There was a lot of hype on Indiana Auditions about the "magic" tricks in the show. Perhaps, that hyping is why I felt underwhelmed by the actual tricks. Aside from a sword-swallowing bit (that was throw away, off to the side to be completely missed if you weren't paying attention to that performer), there were two other magics tricks. Tricks that didn't exactly mystify me and all too easy to figure out the "trick" to them. Again, for the hype, I was expecting more and better magic. So, maybe the hype let me down.

Now, the acting was fine, the choreo was good (the actual dancing was off though), the songs sung well (Really, Ginger, the music was a high point for us), the set and stage design was brillant, as were the lighting design. But, all in all, it was a mediocre show.

I guess what bugs me is that mediocre seems to have become acceptable in theatre around here. Again, I can appreciate the hard work, the effort and the thought that every single one of the performers, staff and crew puts into any show. But, friends, don't settle for mediocre with your art.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just a theatre snob. Is that bad?

Little Nikita

2008-08-04T13:19:00.002-04:00

This is Nikita. Other names include, Kiki, Little Nikki, Darling Nikki, and of course, Emma Sucker.

Emma Sucker, as in I AM A SUCKER!

The count is cats 4, people 3, dogs 1.

Let's see if I can figure out how this happened. We start with the cats, and add the dog. The other day, my son calls home and said he "rescued" a kitten and he's bringing it home to take care off. While he's walking home, the wife and I decide... well, *I* decide that we can give the kitten a temporary home while we look for a home. No giving the kitten a name. It's not allowed.

Speaking of finding the kitten a home...

FREE 4mo. FEMALE KITTEN TO GOOD HOME. Up to date shots. Will release to good owner after she's been spayed. Send application of adoption to ML via the interwebs. Please include a letter of recommendation from 3 sources, and a 5 page essay on why you think you would be a great owner for this kitten.

There, I tried.

So, we set the other cats up in another room in order to keep them away from this kitten while she's here. This is so they don't contract any diseases the stray might have. And, so we can slowly introduce the kitten to them.

Turns out, the kitten has fleas. Immediate flea bath. 2 of them, and the wife and I are picking and killing fleas off the kitten until 1am. I couldn't sleep that night because I was being attacked by fleas and itched the whole night. That's not true. I wasn't bitten at all, but the though entered by brain and stuck. I still feel itchy today.

The next day, I buy more flea treatment stuff - a spray for bedding that kills 'em and flea collars for the cats. They are indoor cats and we don't do any regular flea treatment because of that.

I get home from work and the kid is apparently calling it "Kiki." *grumble* Don't get me wrong, "Kiki" is cute and purry and all. And, she's been working all her angles in hopes of staying. She's already got the wife and kid. She's been working me over by cuddling with me when I sleep and being all cute and purry and all.

Trying to be responsible, I take her to the Low Cost Spay/Neuter Clinic for tests and shots. They give her good flea treatment that kills'em all. And she's tested negative for Feline leukemia and FIV. Since she's healthy, we've allowed the other cats to meet her. The office assistants asked me what to put down for a name. Steadfastly, I said, "Just put 'Kitty,'" explaining the situation. Temporary home and all. They teased, "You should just name it. You've got 3. What's another?" HA HA HA.

Not funny.

Hannah has been all hissy with "Kiki." Misfit has been all hissy with everyone after meeting "Kiki." Jack didn't care and Scooby (the dog) was fine with "Kiki." I was hoping to play the angle "We can't keep it because the other cats don't get along with it." Unfortunately, "Kiki" has suckered the other hissy cats. They have been spotted playing together. By playing, I mean pawing and running around each other without the hissing.

If you ask me, she looks Russian. So, I thought, "Nikita," would be a proper name. And, there's the problem. I broke my own rule. It started going downhill from there.

The thing I'm trying to focus on is that this kitten has sparked a greater interest in an idea I've had. For some time, I have been thinking about starting a non-profit no-kill shelter for strays and injured cats. I've never mentioned it because it was just a thought in the back of my brain. And it wasn't something I would have thought to actually do before retirement. I don't know. It just a thought.

But, I'll keep that thought in the back of my mind for now because I'm realizing Nikita already has found a home. And that's enough.

Working for a living

2008-07-01T11:56:00.001-04:00

Whenever someone asks me what I do for a living, I give them a canned answer, "Basically, I make commercials about the shows on my station." Then, I gauge their interest and reaction and continue explaining if they seem like they want more than that. This includes lines like, "Sometimes, I have to watch episodes of Family Guy all day long" or, "Watching TV at home is akin to bringing work home." All of that is true.

But, while I had nothing to do with creating this video, it explains what I do for a living much better than I do.

Neighborly Love

2008-05-12T22:50:00.006-04:00

I feel violated.

And, it's partly my fault.

When I got home today and checked the mail, there was a note in the mailbox. It was printed out on white paper. It was folded up in half and then in half again. It opened, "From the ********** Neighborhood Association:" (I'm leaving the neighborhood out). Right there, I got a little nervous.

The note went on to say, and I'm paraphrasing, that my lawn was disgusting and that I needed to take care of it. That my lawn was driving down the property values. That if I didn't want to take care of my lawn, I should move.

Yes, I have a dandelion problem. Part of my front lawn is more dandelion than grass. Weeds happen. And, it's true, the dandelions were tall and plenty. It's nice to know that someone is paying attention to us.

Though, I guess they didn't notice the grass was cut last weekend. I guess they didn't notice the rain on Friday and Sunday. I guess they didn't notice me spraying dandelion weed killer on Saturday. I guess they didn't notice my son cutting the grass on Saturday and running out of gas while my wife and I were away. I guess they didn't notice my wife has not been home for nearly a month. She's been waking up to go to work until 5pm then heading to the high school to work on costumes until Midnight. In the last week, she was there until 4am. But, I guess they didn't notice that.

I guess they are so absorbed with my lawn that they neglected to notice all that. Not to mention the other lawns in the neighborhood that have dandelion problems. I guess they didn't notice that because of my wife's hard work, that I've basically been a single dad for a month. I imagine they didn't notice their dogs crossing the street and pooping in my yard (that's not to say the people across the street left the note; their dogs crossing the invisible fence and the street to poop on my lawn is something I notice). I guess they don't notice that when *I* walk our dog, I carry a baggy with me and pick up after him - ON MY OWN LAWN! Nevermind that the neighborhood dog's seem to think my lawn is the place to poop on.

Friends, I feel violated.

For what it's worth, the lawn is completely cut now. We've had time to finish it (since it's not raining).

Well, the note still bothered me. I brought it to my neighbor since he's on the Homeowner Association Board. He is the neighbor who cuts his grass every other day. Yeah. Every other day. Believe it or not, I do respect that. It's not what I want to be, but it works for him.

I showed him the note and he agreed that it's not from the Homeowners. It's not on any kind of letterhead or even signed by anyone. It would be one thing to get an "official" letter from the Homeowner's Association. That would be embarrassing. But, it's very obviously not. It's very obviously someone in the neighborhood. And, that's what is especially bothersome.

This, however, is not embarrassing. It's creepy. And the worst part of it is that whoever left us that note now thinks we can be intimidated. After all, the grass was cut the same day. Worse yet, now that my wife is done with the show, we have time to weed the strawberry garden by the door. And, I have had plans to buy a weed-whacker with our economic stimulus money. I had already bought a hedge trimmer with some Christmas money. The fact of the matter is we have been on the verge of yard work beyond just mowing. Just needed the time.

But, now that we have time, this neighbor is going to think it's all because they left me a note. And, that's the saddest part of all. That's the part that makes me want to let my lawn turn to complete shit.

But, I won't.

If there's a lesson to be learned from this, perhaps it's the Parable of the Good Samaritan. Luke 10:25-37 In this passage, Jesus asked what must we do to inherit eternal life? He responds basically, "Love God with your all," and "Love your neighbor as yourself." I'm not making the obvious point. The next words to Jesus are, "But, who is my neighbor?" and Jesus responds with the Parable of the Good Samaritan. In the end, the neighbor is the person who had mercy on a man who was robbed. But, it's the last 4 words that have the most meaning,: "Go and do likewise."

I read that passage and I realize I haven't been a good neighbor. I'm not referring to my lawn aesthetics. I mean, we've been here for two years and we don't really know anyone. We've had a few conversations with the lawn guy, mostly about our dogs. We don't see our other neighbor much. We like her though. She's an artist and from Russia. But, that's about the gist of it. I couldn't tell you the names of the people in the cul-de-sac across the street.

And there is probably the root of all problem. Whoever left us this note doesn't know us. Granted, no one has made a real effort either way. Still, I can't help but feel that we could have done more and could do more to be... neighbors... and learn to care for the people here.

UPDATE (5/14/08): We found out yesterday that we weren't the only house hit. Our Russian neighor came over and told us she had gotten the same letter. The worst part for them is her son got the mail that day. He gave the note to his mom and said, "I think we have hate mail." Poor kid. The President of the Homeowner's Association also called to assure us that the note was not from them and there were several houses that got the same note. It's at least nice to know we weren't the only target. But, that several homes got this note means there's the neighborhood has worse problems than our lawns.

Thoughts on Barack

2008-05-06T22:17:00.005-04:00

I voted for Obama in today's primary.

A bit odd because I have been leaning toward Huckabee strictly because of the Fair Tax. When he ended up bowing out, I figured I would see survey the situation when the Indiana Primary rolled around. That was today. Hillary vs Barack...

I don't think I could vote for Hillary for any reason. Perhaps, if she supported the Fair Tax, but I don't think I could trust her support. I really don't want her to be President and if she's doesn't win the primary, all the better. But, I wanted my vote to mean more than just voting for the other guy. I mean, I still wanted to make a good decision based on my beliefs, morals and what I think is good for the country. Not just pull the lever on the person I dislike the least. This is something that has weighed on me for a while.

My biggest issues in this race are taxes and the economy. On the first issue, I will vote for who ever is down with the Fair Tax. Obama has not come out either way on the issue and last I saw was "still studying it." Let me tell you, if he gets the nomination and promises to pass the Fair Tax, McCain will lose.

The ecomony is in rough shape, but I don't think it's the gloom and doom that's been reported. Sure, gas prices and food prices are rising, but that has a lot to do with China and India's growning consumption, too. Actually, I think passing the Fair Tax would do wonders for the economy. But I digress, this is about Obama.

The thing that appeals to me the most about Barack Obama is that I feel he will talk to me like an adult on tough issues. I feel that he will listen to both the right and the left, and despite his way-left leanings, will make the best decision based on input from both sides of the isle... without getting in to a screaming match. That's what I hate about the political climate today. The divisiveness is not going to get us anywhere.

There are issues that are not black or white (or left and right or red and blue). There are ways to deal with those grey issues without insulting someone who thinks differently.

And, that's what most appeals to me about Obama. I can see him reaching across the aisle and says, "Yes, that's a great idea from the right." Conversely, I can see him saying, "I think that's good idea, person on the left." And, those decisions would be made after listening to all sides of the issue and making the best decision for the country.

I don't get that with any of the other candidates.

And, that is what I'm looking for in politics - Intellegent discussion and from that intellegent answers and solutions. Obama is easily the best bet to bring that around.

That is a change I would be quite welcome to see.

This is random

2008-04-07T10:59:00.001-04:00

Man, I'm in a weird place right now. There's a lot of good in the air right now surrounding my life. Good stuff that I want to talk about, but can't because of various reasons. Mostly, I don't want to say anything until I am sure things are going to happen. I hate to say, "This is going to happen," and then it not happen. Though, my patience is starting on wear thin on a few things... But, if all of the goodness actually happens, well, life will indeed be good.

It's the not happening that I fear. And I guess that's where I'm at right now. I feel like want to simultanously jump for joy and curl up in a fetal position and cry. I'm feel like I'm being pulled in two directions by completely different forces.

Being a father sucks. No, it doesn't. But, it does suck when you get slapped in the face by seeing traits you hate about yourself in your child. It makes be realize that I haven't been the best role model. Truly, the best way a child learns "good" behavior is not from discipline, but from example. Meaning, if you want your kid to read more, you need to read more in front of them (this is not a personal example - though I do need to read more). If you want them to keep their room clean, you need to keep your room (and the rest of the house) clean. Leading by example is a far better tool than discipline. The caveat is, of course, they learn those "bad" behaviors from you, too.

I need to redouble my efforts with God. It's not that I'm not down with God and where He's leading me. I'm just finding it difficult to see His works in my daily life. That is not His fault, as I do have faith he is working in my life. I am just having trouble seeing it because I'm not doing my part of in seeking Him like I should be. I need to find time in my day to read the Bible and pray. I need to stop thinking I need to find the time because that's what I do more than not, and take some freaking action on it.

Letters

2008-02-27T14:46:00.001-05:00

I started reading the book of Philippians the other day. I’ve only gotten into the first chapter, so I can’t really comment on the material yet. But, that first chapter did stir a thought inside of me.

First, you have to realize that Philippians is a letter Paul sent to the congregation at one of his favorite church plants. He wrote the letter while under arrest in Rome for being Christian. The Philippian Church raised money for his defense. He was writing to thank them for their support and to encourage them to remain strong in their faith.

That’s all well and good, but the thought I had focused on the letter aspect of this book. In fact, several books of the Bible are letters written by Paul and other apostles to the faithful at various churches. What do I mean by “the letter aspect?” I simply mean to point out the language used in the introductional chapters.

When (considering today’s email society, it’s more IF than when) we write a letter, it usually goes something like this:
Dear Soandso,

How are you? I am fine. This is what has been going on in my life. Someone you know says to tell you hi. Hope this finds you well.

Sincerely,

Me.
OK, that’s a very generic letter. But, to be honest, it has been so long since I wrote an actual letter to someone, and even longer since I received one, I can’t imagine there’s much more to them these days. Sure, there’s the family year-in-review letters that are jam-packed with tons of info about a family. And, it’s nice to get them and know what’s going on. But, what does it say about us – both the person and society – that we don’t write personal letters anymore? I mean email is great for its instant transmission. But, if you write the exact same thing on a piece of paper and mail it out, somehow it means more.

So, looking back at Paul’s letter to the Philippians, and reading how it starts off… Well, can you imagine how you’d feel getting a letter in the mail that starts off in such a manner:

2Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. 3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

7It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
What would your reaction be if you got a letter in the mail that started half as elegantly? (Click on the comments to answer for yourself)

This was my thought. Imagine the joy we could bring to the world if we just send one letter a month to someone we know. First, who doesn't like getting a letter in the mail. Second, sending a letter means you took time out of your schedule in order to relate to another human being. Furthermore, that human being knows it. That right there speaks volumes to someone. Now, what if that person was suffering? How much could that letter mean to them? The power of feeling cared about and loved goes a long, long way.

I do not want to sit here and promise to start mailing people one a month. I know that I am human and something will happen that will prevent me from doing it (whether it be some tragedy or my own procrastination, or something else). But, I truly do hope that I can get into the habit. Let me restate that another way... I hope that I can prove to myself that I am not so shallow as not to care.

UR not my dad

2008-02-23T08:53:00.008-05:00

I've been waiting for it for 10 years now. And, it finally happened last night. I got the, "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my real dad." line. I am thankful that I had 10 years to prepare for that. I simply calmly responded, "Son, I might not be your 'dad' but I am one of your parents and the other parent agrees." That ended the trouble.

The kid's 14, and at that age were he knows everything, won't do anything, doesn't want his parents around, and hates the world - you know, a teenager. I was just like that (OMG... I just realized that was 20 years ago *shudder*). So, we just shrug off a lot of his angst because we know he doesn't really mean stuff like that.

Case in point. Last night, he also said, "Well, I'm just gonna leave and not come back," in anger. I just looked at him with an expression of, "Yeah... I'm not believing that." And he said, "Ok, I'm not really gonna do that." He was just angry at the situation he found himself in.

And what was that situation? Ah, well, he was grounded. And, he knew he was going to be grounded. You see, last weekend, he wanted a friend to sleep over. As is the rule of the house, he can have a friend sleep over if his room is clean. It's a rare occasion that someone sleeps over because when he is reminded of that rule, he takes the lazy way out and decides he'd rather not clean his room. I'm sure he told his friend the reason the sleepover wasn't going to happen was, "My dad said, 'no,'" and not the whole truth "...because my room's not clean."

Anyway, so later that day he asks if he and his friend can sleep over at someone else's house that same night. I don't think it's fair for him have a sleepover somewhere else when he was asking about a sleepover here. So, I said for him to get his room clean... which strangely enough he began with reckless abandon. He didn't finish, though, when it came time for them to leave. It was a good start on cleaning, but he had a long way to go, and I was holding firm on the room being clean. I'm such a horrible parent, no doubt...

So, a few minutes later, he wants to make a deal with me. My first thought is, No, because we've made numerous deals before and he hasn't lived up to his end of the deal. For example, over the summer, the opportunity to sleep over at a friend's house arose and he had to go right then. "Your room's not clean." "I'll make a deal with you." And, so he was to clean his room that weekend after the sleep over... Never got done and that's our bad for not following through with discipline. And that's something that is not going to happen again.

In the end, we strike a deal where he can sleep over that night (a Sunday with no school the next day) and he has until Friday at 9pm to clean and organize his room. If that feat was not accomplished, he was going to be grounded until his room was done, losing all TV privileges, all computer privileges, all Xbox360 privileges, all DVD watching privileges, all iPod privileges, and all going over to people's houses privileges. Yesterday was reckoning day.

Needless to say, he was grounded and none to pleased about it. But, he needs to learn the lesson of holding up his end of a deal and his responsibilities. In anger, he said what he said. And in anger, this morning, I'm sure he'll refuse to go work on him room. If he keeps that up, I will warn him that his cell phone will be confiscated after a certain time.

He needs to learn that in the real world there are consequences. He needs to learn that you can't just blow off your end of a bargain. That is what I am trying to teach him. As painful as, "You're not my dad, " can be, as difficult as being a parent to a hormonal teenager can be, I'm trying to keep two thoughts in mind:

Proverbs 19:18, "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death."
Proverbs 22:7, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old his will not turn from it."

These two Proverbs keep me strong. They help remind me that his words are said in anger, not what he really believes. They keep me focused on the results that won't come for 10 or 15 years.

He's a good kid. He's just a teenage one right now. He actually reminds me of me when I was that age. I think he'll be fine.

Update: (10:30am) This morning, he woke up and found me. He said, "Do you want to make some bacon with me?" But, the underlying tone and subtext was, "I'm sorry for what I said last night." We didn't have any bacon, though. Then, he said, "Well, I need to finish cleaning my room." I just smiled.

Update 2 (10:00pm): His room is clean. He took a long nap at one point. But, it's clean. :)

The end is nigh...

2008-01-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

I tried to resist. I fought it hard. I did everything in my power. Alas, I have been defeated... I have been overcome by Degrassi High.

My wife grew up watching Degrassi High, being raised in Montana not too far from the US/Canadian border. When she discovered our library had VHS copies of the original Degrassi Jr & High School, she got our son addicted to the show. From her description, it sounded like a Canadian version of the After School specials in episode form. To say it didn't interest me would be a vast understatement.

But, what happened? I'll tell you what happened. We got cable... well, AT&T Uverse. The 400 Channel promotional package. 400 channels free for the first month. One of those channels is something called "The-N." For the past week, they have been having a Degrassi: The Next Generation Marathon leading up to the new season premiere.

On Saturday, my son asked me to watch Degrassi with him. I immediately flipped through my mental rolodex to find a good reason not to watch it. But, I thought that sitting with my son, ney, bonding with my son would be worth the torture of watching Degrassi.

So, good ol' dad started watching the damn show. And wouldn't you know it, I spent the entire freaking weekend catching up. Jimmy got shot; Craig's a cokehead; Alex is lesbo; Spinner's got nut cancer, and JT's dead. I hate Peter because he's a maniputive little twit. Emma's getting on my nerves because she's being an idiot about Shawn enlisting in the Army. Paige has a piggy face. Yet, some how I care about these silly Canadian kids whose lives are in some kind of constant turmoil. How the heck will any of these kids turn out "normal?" It must be that they're Canadian.

While watching this marathon, I realized that I... am... Snake... through and through... and my wife is Spike...

But that's not the worst part! No! Guess what marathon The N was adversting the entire weekend?!?

Saved By the Bell. That's right. Zach Morris. AC Slater. Jessie Spano. Screech. They promoted it as "Embrace the Cheese." And cheese it is. Yet, right now Lisa is turning Screech down yet again. Secretly, Zach Morris was my idol...

Of course you know, the end is near. Pray for me and this cable affliction.

Mythbusted

2008-01-03T09:51:00.000-05:00

We signed up for AT&T Uverse. That's ATT&T version of cable. So, we have cable now. Woo Hoo. We now have too many choices of channels to watch and end up wasting what time we have to watch tv just flipping channels.

At the very least, the geek in me gets to watch Mythbusters. I freaking love that show. And as much as I am crushing on Carrie, I have found a little *ahem** nugget that makes me love her more...

Here, the Mythbusters attempt to prove, "Do Pretty Girls Fart?"

2 months and what?

2007-12-28T16:32:00.000-05:00

Wow. So, I pretty much haven't blogged in about 2 months. A lot of that is time, rather lack there of. A huge chunk of that is waning interest. If I were more interested, I'd probably make more time to do this. Alas. I've been thinking about closing shop. But who the heck knows what I'll end up doing... I'm posting this, ain't I?

Yeah, we ended up adopting the dog. His name is now Rufus, though he responds to Scooby. He's a great dog and we love him. My parents are in town right now and mom has a pet/fur phobia. But, he's doing a good job of not freaking her out too much. I think his previous owners fed him a lot of human food, or at least allowed him to eat table scraps. That's likely why he's overweight. Plus, we cannot walk into the kitchen for any reason without him trying to follow us. It's difficult to eat dinner with a snout sniffing your plate, too. So, we're hoping to change that behavior. It's slow-going. We do allow him to eat cottage cheese with his regular food. It's supposed to help with the dander and shine on his coat. It's funny because he'll jump like a bunny rabbit when he sees he's getting cottage cheese.

I don't have a lot to report. I'm in "Assassins" and that closes this weekend. After which, I'll be taking a long, much needed break from theatre. Don't know how long, but I need time with my family, I need to make more time for God. This hasn't been the best year for keeping my connection with God. I don't mean I'm losing faith. I'm just not talking to him like I used to, which I believe is a direct result of not making time for God.

Speaking of God, I've moved on to a new church. Maybe that's part of my disconnect from God. Not the new church, but the feelings and reasons for leaving the old church. In truth, I just haven't felt connected to any of the people at The Crux. I haven't been there since September. And a few events have solidified for me that I made the right decision in moving on to a new place. For instance, not a single person from the Crux has tried to contact me to see what I've been up to or anything. A smallish church - under 300 people in the congregation - that I was an active participant of (small groups and service teams) and not one email or phone call... other than mass emails like prayer requests, etc. I've run into someone who was in my small group twice. During that second run-in, he told me that he was talking to the small group leader the other day and that we ran into each other. The small group leader apparently couldn't recall what I looked like... Now, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was teasing me because I haven't been to that church in a while. Like, since my face hasn't been around in a while, it was fading from their memory and that I should go back so they remember me... I'd give him that he was making a joke... It still left a bad taste in my mouth...

So, I'm at a mega church... which probably goes against everything I thought I was looking for in a small church. You see, I liked the small intimateness of knowing everybody, at least in name, at the Crux. This church I'm at now has near around 5,000 members and 4 services. I haven't really had a chance to meet people and socialize there yet. In the coming weeks, there is a "Meet and Greet" for new members that I'm hoping to attend with my wife. And then after that, we'll see. I have completely enjoyed the services and the message so far.

Tangent... Sometimes, I wonder if I'm an asshole or just really shy and quirky. I'm not going to explain that right now, but I'll probably address that at some point... Huh... Guess I'm not giving the bloggin' thing up yet.

For the Love of Theatre, or How the hell did we end up with a dog?!?

2007-10-31T10:58:00.001-04:00

Oh, the things we do for the things and people we love. We currently - possibly temporarily, possibly permanently - have a dog. We're outnumbers by the animals now. Surely, there will be a revolution in the house hold. Oh, who am I kidding? The cats already rule.

So, here's a picture of said doggy.
He is a four year-old Chow mix and he's very docile. He's a beast, no doubt, but quite tame. In the past 12 hours of baby-sitting him, I've heard him bark twice. Once, when Hannah was sniffing him out and he turned to quickly. She was startled and battled at him. This scared him and he retreated to a corner to hide from her. The other time was when I put him in his cage for the day. He seems to know he'd be in the cage for a while and wanted out. Other than that, he's been a sweetheart. And he snores a little.

Now, the question is how the heck did we end up with this dog. Well, wifey is working on a show, a stage version of Steinbeck's, "Of Mice and Men." They need a live dog for one brief scene. The producer called up the SPCA and set this up. The show puts in the program that this dog can be adopted and how the audience can go about it and the SPCA provides the dog. It's a little ingenious way to get a dog adopted. In the show, the dog comes out briefly, then is taken off stage to be shot because he's lame or something. At the end of the show, the dog come back for curtain call and people will be told he's available for adoption. What better what to emphasize the dog's need for a home than to pull on the audience's heart strings by killing him in the story?

The only problem is by the time the show opens, wifey and the kid may have already adopted him.

During the rehearsal process and the run of the show, someone has to take care of the dog. Another cast member volunteered, but apparently had to back out of that. And, so because we love theatre, we're baby-sitting the dog. By the time I got to rehearsal last night to get the cage, wifey was already smitten. Sonuvabitch.

Actually, I'm not totally against adopting him. As long as those two agree to step up their responsibilities around the house - keeping the house cleaner and less cluttered - I don't think it would be a problem to have the dog. Except maybe when my mother comes to visit... My biggest concern is the cats. Hannah seems to be ok with the dog. Jack and Misfit are either under the bed or in the closet... Understandably hiding from this behemoth.

The way I see it, there's no need to do the paper work to officially adopt him until after the show is over. After all, if someone else wants him, I don't have a problem with that. Of course, the kid is incredibly excited and why shouldn't he be? He wanted us to wake him up early this morning so he could walk the dog. Hey, this is a good opportunity to teach him some responsibility. I mean, we have the dog for a month. Maybe in that time, the kid can show he's willing to do what it takes to have a dog. Then, after he's proven himself, we can discuss the matter further.

Right. That'll happen. You know this dog is pretty much a permanent fixture at this point. I don't really have a say in this.

The SPCA said that the couple who brought the dog in were getting a divorce and neither of them wanted it. That's strange because I would think divorcing couples would be fighting over the family dog. The SPCA called him Scooby. The name shall be changed. That's a tacky name for a dog, much less this beast. Of course, I don't really have a say in the naming. But, Scooby will not be his name.

Dammit! I'm already attached enough to be debating good names for him. This. Cannot. End. Well.

Well, maybe for the dog. He gets a home.

Closing Sucks

2007-10-08T18:27:00.000-04:00

The best part about a show closing is that you now have free time again. The worst part about a show closing is that you now have free time again. Children of Eden ended a very sucessful run (both creatively and monetarily) yesterday and I've hit the usual post show crash. Yet, somehow, this time it feels different.

I really hate the show closing. What really sucks about them is you spend 6 to 8 weeks building relationships with people and just when you figure out what some of those people mean to you, the show is over and you never hear from them again... until the next show. That may have something to do with me starting rehearsals for Assassins next week.

But, the point is just this past weekend I've realized that I was making pretty good friends. And what I mean is that I may have been taking some of those relationships for granted. There's definitely some blossoming buds on the friendship tree, but today I worry that some of those buds have been trimmed due to time constraints. Given more time, I wonder how those flowers would bloom.

Now don't get me wrong. There's plenty of people I worked with and were friends with before we started working on Children of Eden. I am not talking about them. I still love them much (though I do wish to see them more often).

No, I'm talking about a few people I met for the first time at the first rehearsal and just kinda clicked since. It's hard to really get to know someone in a few weeks, especially when your (individually and as a whole) concentrating on something bigger. Then, just when you get comfortable, just when you get close enough to figure out that person would make a good friend, the show is over and the burgeoning friendship is put to its biggest test. Can that fragile bud bloom without the convienence of the show? Is it sturdy enough to withstand the shock of the show ending?

I don't know if it is and only time will tell. I certainly hope a couple of the bonds I created do get stronger. If you're reading this, well, there's a good chance for it. I mean, if you know me well enough to know how to find this website without me having to tell you, that says something.

There's more I want to say about Children of Eden because it's important. So, stay tuned for that. There's good news there.

Nerd Test

2007-09-13T15:56:00.001-04:00

Like there was any doubt...

Of course, I would have though I'd have a higher tech/computer score. But then again, alot of those questions were about computer programming languages.

Things I Learned Today

2007-09-11T17:46:00.000-04:00

1. It takes at least nine hours for a 50 gallons hot water heater to completely drain out of a 1mm hole.

2. Carpet aborbs alot of water.

3. Wet vacs don't hold more water than carpet.

4. I know where the water value for the house and hot water heater is located.

5. It takes approximately 2 minutes for a medium-sized sauce pan to fill up with water from 1mm hole in a 50 gallon hot water heater.

6. It takes approximately 10 medium-sized sauce pans to fill a 5 gallon bucket.

7. Simple math says that filling a 5 gallon bucket with the water from a 50 gallon hot water heater mean filling the bucket 10 times. 50 gallons/5 gallons = 10 fillings.

8. If it takes 2 minutes to fill a medium-sized sauce pan and 10 fillings to fill a 5 gallon bucket, simple math says it will take 20 minutes to fill the 5 gallon bucket (2 minutes x 10 fillings = bucket full in 20 minutes).

9. Extrapolating further, simple math proves that it will take approximately 3 hours and 20 minutes to drain a leaking hot water heater. (See #7 & 8; 20 minutes x 5 gallons = 3 hrs & 20 mins to drain 50 gallon hot water heater).

10. Leaking hot water heaters prove that simple math is very wrong.

11. Plumbers will arrive at least one hour later than expected, but will always call before hand to make sure you're home when you can't reach the phone.

12. I learned that with the right equipment, I could probably install a new hot water heater.

13. Attaching a hose to the hot water heater spiget and putting the other end down the basement ground-hole drain will empty said hot water heater much faster than simple math shows.

That Christ Guy

2007-09-03T16:58:00.000-04:00

So, I'm thinking of maybe getting this as a tattoo... maybe...

Yeah, I know. I'd be That Christ Guy, the Jesus Freak with the Jesus tattoo. It's probably a little cliche, though less so than, say, a butterfly on the lower back these days, no? But, I really like this image. I found it here at Cafe Press. I don't like it on a T-shirt. It's screaming to be made into a tattoo.

Still, I don't know. It's safe to say I'm really thinking about it. I've always said that if you're going to get a tattoo, it can't be something you just get. It has to be something personal to you. You have to think about it. You have to make sure the image is right. You have to be positive you want that image on you for life. The funny thing is... I wouldn't mind this image in the least.

Do I really have to explain why?

I don't know. There's something about having this image of Christ on my shoulder at all times that appeals to me. Something about the permanence of this ink-in-skin that I like. It's a reaffirmation of the choice I made to follow Christ. It's a constant reminder of why He suffered in pain and died for my sins. I imagine when I get tempted to sin, I can remember the pain of the needle inking me up and would be reminded of Christ's sacrifice. I can look to my arm and choose to do the right thing.

But, do I really need a tattoo to get all that? Something tells me it's not necessary. I mean, I know it's not necessary. Then again, it would make a righteous tat.

Is that you God? It's me, ML

2007-08-21T14:33:00.000-04:00

Time for ML to eat a yummy, little piece of humble pie. You see, I haven't been chronicling my walk with God like I should have been. And that's I haven't been walking for while. I've recognized that I've been sitting on the park bench for quite a while now.

What do I mean by that? Well, there was a time if you go back in the archives where I would pray nearly daily. I would fast once a week. I would read the Bible on a daily basis. I would connect with God. And, life was good.

But, and I'm not exactly sure when, I just stopped all that. And, over that time, my connection with God has suffered. I haven't felt as blessed as I did when I was talking to God daily. Old sins have gotten the best of me again. And, though I knew I shouldn't be doing this or that, I did it anyway. What's worse is that I recognized my behavior for a while and I'm just now getting around to refocusing.

During that time, I've really felt that God wasn't there. In my heart, I knew he was there waiting for me to walk with him. No, he was there. I just... didn't want to walk at the time, I guess... Heck, I could faintly hear Him calling to talk to me, but I wasn't in the mood to listen. At church, I felt more and more distant, like I was going through the motions. I digress.

Yesterday, I started to take a step in the right direction. After another Sunday at church feeling like I don't belong there, I starting thinking about why I felt that way. Part of my problem, I think, is that I'm a little disenchanted with the Crux. While I love the message and the way it's given, to borrow a friend's description, it's become too much like a rock concert. Granted, the first thing that attracted me to this church was how different it was from the traditional Catholic show. Now, I like the new pastor a lot, but once I learned he was once apart of the lead pastors old Christian rock band, something felt... not wrong... but not quite connected. Add to that, I still struggle with feeling like anyone knows me there. Among the congregation, I could probably count on my hands the number of people I feel close with. Closer than, "Oh hey, you're name's ML right?" Despite the church's effort to built a community, I think my age and life experience are so different from others that we have trouble relating. Now, I'm not attributing my sins to the Crux. I am responsible for my actions and I am asking God's forgiveness. I'm just explaining how during this time the feeling of not belonging has maybe pushed me away from God.

Additionally, three of the people I felt the closest to in the congregation are no longer apart of the mix. God called them to work for him somewhere else. So, my best friend and his wife are moving and, really, I'm happy for them. God's got great plans for them. And, the person who pretty much brought me to Christ's party is moving, too, as God has called her to work for Him somewhere else. I'm not doing well losing their physical proximity. I plan to make every effort to keep these people in my life because, whether they realize it or not, they have done so much for me. In fact, their leaving made me realize that I might for the first time since coming to Christ be alone in my walk with God. By that I mean, I don't have someone in my local inner circle to lean on and talk to about faith. I don't mean I can't talk others in my inner circle about it; we just haven't really talked about it and connected on that level. See the difference before you get offended. So, in that sense, I feel like I have to stand and walk on my own for bit while I develop other relationships. And that scares me...

It's hard for me to socialize. I say I'm going to talk to someone new and just be a friendly person, but it's hard for me to do that. "What ifs" talk me out of it. This is not a way to live. If I'm standing next to you and I'm not saying anything, know that I'm probably trying really hard to come up with an icebreaker that doesn't sound like I'm hitting on you or sounds really stupid. Like recently, I wanted to tell someone I liked the color of their toenail polish, but where do you go after that? Oh, hey, yeah, lovely shade of ice blue on your toes. Where'd ya get it? Oh, no, it's not odd for a guy to like pretty toenails and wonder where you purchased that shade. Really, I'm not a freak. Don't walk away. Damn. I've got a million deadend icebreakers.

Didn't expect that rant, but there ya go... Anyway, I've been wanting to buy The Message Bible. Some people will say that they can't trust the Bible, that it's not the word of God, because it was written by man. I tend to disagree with that because it's not the words that are in the Bible, it's the message you get from God while you read it that's important. And, this particular version, from what I have been exposed to, exemplifies that notion. So, I finally picked on up yesterday. This is a special edition called "Pause." Basically, it's the Message Remix in a "read the Bible in 365 days" form. It starts in Genesis 1, then skips to John 1, back to Genesis, etc. It picked this version because I felt that the fact that it was written to be read daily would help me do just that.

I was reading about Cain and Abel after they offered their sacrifices to God. He was pleased with Abel's, but not so much with Cain's. God tells Cain:

"Why this tantrum? Why the sulking? If you do well, won't you be accepted? And if you don't do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it's out to get you; you've got to master it."

Well, you could have just about called me "Cain" after I read that. That's what I need to do - get back to mastering my sins.

And that's just what I intend on doing. I am going to start seeking God again. I am going to start praying daily and reading the Bible daily. I am going to start fasting again. I am going to seek the life God wants for me. I am going to start holding myself to higher expectations and morals and develop my character. I'm going to live more transparently and chronicle my experiences here. And, I'm going to start hugging more people. Hugs are good. I need them. So do you. Hug me.

Just have to wait and worry...

2007-08-10T13:40:00.000-04:00

My son asked me if I liked his new sunglasses. Being an honest person, I told him that I didn't because they're not my type of frames. Not a big deal. Then, I asked him where he got them. He said his friend - let's call the friend Freckles* - dropped them the other night and he picked them up.

A little backstory about the other night. My son was sleeping over at - let's call this one Seedub* - Seedub's house two nights ago. At 12:15am, I was awakened by a call on my cell phone. My son was calling me to come pick him from from Seedub's. Apparently, Freckles and another kid called to say they were coming over. They weren't invited. In fact, Freckles is such a jerk to be around that my son doesn't answer his calls or goes places Freckles will be. So, at around 11:30pm (well after curfew), there was a knock on Seedub's door. Freckles and the other kid are at the door. They are told they weren't invited and can't come in. So, Freckles and friend try to force they way in. The ensueing fracus is loud enough to disturb Seedub's mom, who decides the sleepover is over, hence the wake-up call. Freckles lost his sunglasses in the melee. And, now it would seem my son has them.

I told him he should be the better person and give the glasses back. Not exactly what a kid wants to hear. But, what I have been trying to get him to understand that doing what is right is what is important. And sometimes, that means doing something we don't want to do. In this case, that means giving the jerkyboy his rightful treasures. A humbling experience, no doubt, but one I think his character could use.

The thing I am worried about is I'm pretty sure he won't give the glasses back. My normal reaction would be to somehow force him to - Do it or you'e grounded. But that kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want to guilt him into doing the right thing. I just want him to do the right thing or be prepared to live with whatever the consequences are. Don't know what those could be. Threating to ground him is basically forcing him. He could end up in a fight over it, could be ostrizised from Freckles' group (whicfrom a parent's perspective may not be a bad thing), could be nothing ever comes of it. But, I can't help but think that he's better off turning the other cheek and humbling himself to this not-so nice kid.

Now, my immediate gut reaction was to bring the name, "Jesus," and his teachings up, but I think that would have fallen on deaf ears. I do not believe in forcing Christ on people, my family included, no matter how much I wish they would come to know Him has I have begun to. For now, I'm trying to lead by example - living the life and maybe they'll follow. So, I'm sticking to Proverbs 22:6 for now, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it." I really like that verse. It teaches us that sometimes the only way a child will learn is from their mistakes.

Training a child and teaching them are two different things. You can train someone to do the right thing, but it's up to them to do it. When they face that moment, they can choose to do the right thing or live with the consequences and the mistakes. You can tell a child not to stick a fork in the electric socket, but they may not truly learn why until they experience why it is a mistake to do so.

And that is the struggle of fatherhood. Metaphorically, I've stuck a fork in the socket and was shocked. I've learned from my experiences. But, he hasn't had enough experiences to learn everything. That only comes with time, and that waiting for him to learn. Doesn't mean I won't worry, though.

* All names have been changed.

In The Beginning...

2007-08-07T14:57:00.000-04:00

Pardon the lack of posts for the past month. We went on vacation for two weeks visiting friends and family back in good ol' Louisiana. Nothing majorly eventful happened that I needs to be talked about other than we spent some great quality time with people we love and we did nothing else. It was quite nice to do nothing for two weeks. If you have the means, I highly recommend it. We did listen to Harry Potter and The Deadly Hallows and I won't spoil it for anyone. We stayed up extra late when we got home to finish the book. Good stuff.

Immediately after getting home, I auditioned for Children of Eden at Footlite Musicals. And, I'm quite happy to tell you that I have been cast as one of the Storytellers. I'll give you all the pertain info as the show gets nearer. Children of Eden is freely based on Genesis 1 - 9. That is, it's the story of the creation, Adam and Eve, the Fall, Cain and Abel all the way up to the flood and Noak's Ark. But, really, it's about father's and their relationship with their children.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - My biggest fear is that I am a bad dad. As my son gets older and in his teen years, I am beginning to worry more and more about what our relationship will be like when in 20 years. Am I teaching him the right things? Is he learning good habits from me? Will he learn responsibility? Is he picking up my bad habits? Is it too late to help him change certain habits? Time will only tell, I guess. Doesn't make me worry less that I'm not screwing up.

My dad, I see now and that's important, is a saint and I love him dearly. But, when I was growing up, I never saw his wisdom, I guess. His love for me, sure. But, I never understood why, for example, in one biddy basketball game my father the coach didn't put me into the game until midway through the third quarter and we had a good lead. You'd think coach's son would get some playing time. And, it kinda hurt that coach wouldn't put me in the game sooner. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized his wisdom - I suck at basketball. I think he was maybe just sparing me the pain of realizing I suck at such a young age. In fact, he was probably encouraging me more by letting me play when the situation was easier for me to handle, letting me get my confidence up.

There is no doubt my father is a kind and gentle soul. I'm sure there were times when he wanted to throttle me. I know there are times (especially now that I have a teenager) that I want to throttle my son. But, he never did. I think he spanked me maybe once or twice when I was a tot. I can't remember if he ever raised his voice in anger to me.

This is the kind of father my dad is. It's my favorite "being a father" story and it's not really about me. I was in high school and was awoken late one night by banging on my window. It was my sister's friend, Danny. He was trying to get me to help him with my sister who was drunk and violently puking out of his hatchback. She's 5 years older than me so was close to legal drinking age, if not over 21, at the time. Danny and I got her to the bathroom and in all the commotion, my dad woke up. He send me to bed and thanked Danny. He stayed up at least an hour or two taking care of my sister, putting her to bed and cleaning all the puke up. Around 7 o'clock in the morning, he bangs on her door and yells her name. He walks into her room with a skillet full of eggs and greasy bacon and his trademark twinkle in his eye. He wakes her up, putting the skillet in her face, asking her if she's ready for a nice, healthy breakfast. As memory serves, she bolted for the toilet and puked again. But, I honestly don't think she's been drunk ever since. He took care of her that night, and taught her a lesson about drinking too much. And, he did it without becoming unglued or angry, even though, he probably was upset that she was as drunk as she was.

That is the type of father I hope to be. More than I care to admit, I don't think that I am. I want my children to know I love them, but I also want them to understand there are evils in this world it is my duty to protect them from. This fatherhood thing is pretty tricky and I'm very worried about what happens to our relationship when the kid turns 18.

So, the read-through rehearsal last night was the first time I was able to sit down and absorb the words of this show. And good gravy, I'm glad I was sitting in the back corner because more than a few times I had to stop, take a breath, sniffle, and wipe a dot of moisture from my eye.

Early in the show, Father is telling Adam and Eve not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ask why and he responds (in song, natch): "There are things a father knows
a child cannot.
I think you would agree
You're newer here than me
Have faith I have my reasons
You cannot see,
In your best interest...
So no more questions about that tree.
And therein lies the problem. Kids never understand until they are adults that their parents have been there, done that, and love them so much they don't want their kids to make the same mistakes. My problem is trying to figure when to stop him from making the mistakes I have make and when to let him learn from his own mistakes. And that's the my struggle. Too often, I think, I disallow him from making his mistakes, preventing him from learning from them.

***I don't think this is a show spoiler since the events are pretty much in Genesis, but I'll give you a SPOILER ALERT here just in case.***

In the end, after the flood, Father sings to his children (Noah & Family),

"Now, I know I cannot hold you
Till at last I let you be free."

If you see the show, I promise a teardrop by this point. And, ain't that the truth? The more we try to hold our children, the more they struggle to get free. I'm learning that to hold him close to my heart I have to let him go.

This journey into Eden I hope will be a time of great growth and learning for me. Not just a time to figure out how to be a better father, but build on established relationships and to love more than I think I do. Afterall, I believe the reason God created us was because he was lonely. And, he put that loniless into us so that we, too, would search for love and build our own relationships. Not just with him, but with others.

Crazy Cats

2007-07-09T15:02:00.001-04:00

I thought that the page could use a few pictures of the cats. So, here's some pics I took with my cell phone...

Don't you wish you could comfortably sleep like this? Hannah sleeps in the weirdest positions. I caught her napping on the couch. As awkward as this position appears, I bet it's very relaxing. Hannah has quickly become the "Diva" of the three. If you pick Jack or Misfit up, she'll instantly rub herself against your legs and cry at your feet. "Nobody ever loves me," she says. "Please, won't you pick me up?" As if you never touch this cutie-pie. Then, if you sleep in five extra minutes, she'll bitch and bitch and bitch until you get up to feed her. Hannah will gorge herself and then scrounge around the floor for crumbs we might have dropped while cooking. Like she doesn't eat or get fed enough. The wife gave her the nickname, "Whineypants Scrounger" because that's what she does. Whines and scrounges. She's figured out how to take her collar off and taught Jack to do the same. Only Misfit can't get hers off.

Speaking of Misfit, she seems to be undersized. Maybe the collar is preventing her growth. Compared to her sister, she is definately smaller. And much more skiddish. You can't get within 10 feet of her without her running away. When it's feeding time, Jack and Hannah will sometimes push her out the way and not let her eat. Such is the life of the runt. But, we'll pick her up and take her downstairs to another feeding bowl. I did that the other morning. Fed Jack and Hannah. Picked Misfit up and carried her downstairs while the other two ate. I poured her some food in another bowl and two seconds later, Jack and Hannah were trying to stuff their gills again at this new bowl on a different floor and room of the house. I checked and the bowl in our bedroom was not nearly empty.

I've taken to trying to... train... Misfit to be less skiddish around me. When I am able to get my hands on her and pick her up, she's complacent. I've talked to her and petted her, comforted her. I tell her if she sits in my lap for five minutes without trying to run away, I'll give her a treat. She's getting more comfortable with me, but it's not like she'll jump in my lap... unless I have food... But, she is getting better. My goal is to get her purring more. She doesn't purr much.

Of course, with the story I'm about to tell you, it's understandable that Misfit isn't in the mood to purr. You see, Jack is her pimp daddy. She is his girfriend, though I don't think they have gone all the way. I have seen them all cuddled up together. He'll clean her and she'll clean him. It's really rather cute and lovely. But, Jack is a man...

I walked into the computer room the other day and saw this:
Jack was curled up alright... with his paw around Hannah. And, they were sound asleep. That's right. Jack was two-timing Misfit and cheating on her with her own sister. Calling Jerry Springer...

Well, needless to say, I was not going to allow this kind of behavior in my house. So, I woke them up.

BUSTED! I love the look on Hannah's face. She knows she's been caught in this adulterous act. Jack can't believe it either, but he doesn't really care, man that he is.

Before I took the picure, I called my wife into the room to see her boy cheating on Misfit. We laughed enough about his behavior that Misfit came in soon after and saw the two of them spooned together. I kid you not, she walked over to them and began yelling at them. She got up on the tub and forced herself between the two of them. Hannah moved, probably off to find some food. Misfit laid down where Hannah was and Jack put his paw around her and they took a nap together.

This Day Has To Get Better

2007-06-28T08:47:00.000-04:00

6:10am - Alarm goes off. Strangely, I'm awake enough to turn it off and get up and not hit the snooze button. Usually, I'm snoozing from 5:30 until 6:30am.
6:45am - Showered, dressed and out the door.
6:57am - Flat tire on I-465 Loop.
6:58am - Get out jack and necessary tools. My spare tire is underneath my truck bed and I have to lower it with a special tool.
6:59:30am - Remember about the 1st time I changed a flat on my truck and how it took me over an hour to get the spare tire down. Of course, that was at 4am in the morning and I was completely hammered then.
7:01am - Got the spare down
7:02am - Jack the car up.
7:03am - Remembered the easiest technique to getting the lug nuts off. Loosen them while the tire is down on the ground, then jack the car up. Use the nut-thingy (I'm blanking on the tool's name, it's the crowbar thingy with the nut-thingy on one end) on the lug nut and spin the tire instead of turning the tool. Let the tire do the work.
7:03:30am - Lower the car.
7:04am - Attempt to loosen the first lug nut. Not even budging. I think, "Righty Tighty - Lefty Loosey" and confirm I'm pushing the right way.
7:08am - No lug nut even budges.
7:08:15am - Curse.
7:15am - Position the tool-thingy on a lug nut and step on tool. Massive gerth allows for successful loosening of lug nuts.
7:17am - Lug nugs off.
7:20am - Flat tire off and in truck bed.
7:21am - Spare tire on.
7:22am - Lug nuts tightened.
7:24am - All tools back in car.
7:24:30am - Start to pull away and hear chain clanging noise.
7:24:45am - Realize I need to raise the chain that holds the spare tire up.
7:25am - Raising the chain.
7:26am - Realize I'm a dirty, sweaty mess as I pull off.
7:30am - Stop at McDonalds to clean up.
7:31am - McDonald's soap sucks and the faucet is automatic.
7:37am - Give up cleaning hands. They were as clean as they could get.
7:39am - Stop at gas station to give extra air to space
7:39:30am - Notice Out of Order Sign on Air Machine
7:41am - Ask store clerk if they know of another air machine nearby since there's isn't worked. They said it was and they'd turn it on if I took the Out of Order sign off.
7:43am - Hey! It does work. Oh, the connecting piece broke off when I touched it.
7:43:30am - Fuck it! Plow through.
7:46am - Tire inflated.
7:47am - Decide to stop at the Target behind gas station for a change of clothes.
7:48am - Target opens at 8am.
7:49am - Call home to tell Wife about flat.
7:58am - Call work to say I'll be late.
8:00:02am - Enter Target.
8:10am - Procure 2 undershirts, a new polo shirt and pair of jeans.
8:11am - Check out and head to bathroom to clean up.
8:12am - Enter stall and change into new clothes.
8:20am - Exit stall and wash up. Target's bathrooms at least had manual faucets.
8:22am - Leave Target and head to work.
8:30am - Arrive at work where there's not a lot to do.

So that was my morning so far. I've got stuff to install on our Avids. At least the day ends with seeing "High School Musical" on stage with some good friends. That should wash away my morning... until I get the bill for a new tire...

Show's Over

2007-06-18T09:59:00.001-04:00

Well, the show is over and I guess I should finally deliver a picture without facial hair. This one is from probably the best scene in the show. The song is "The Creation of Man" where Percy (the guy in the tiger outfit) teaches us how to act like fops. His lyric here is, "Be the King of the Beasts in Pastels" and I just said "Meow" like a little kitty. Big Laugh. You not only get no facial hair pic, but as an added bonus, you get pink chiffon, too. Aren't you thrilled?

Today, I'm suffering from the usual post-show crash. I don't feel like I properly said goodbye to the people in this show. We hugged and shook hands and exchanged "see you laters." But, it didn't feel like it was over and we'd not be hanging out next weekend. This cast was probably the best cast I have ever worked with on a gets-along-no-divas level, not to mention talented to boot. Everyone was so friendly, so nice and we all got along so well. That was refreshing. If I didn't give a proper good-bye it's because I don't think there's really been an ending moment for any of those relationships that were created. I've come to grips that "show friendships" happen. Meaning, wonderful relationships are made during the rehearsal process that don't last once the show is over. This is due to all the actors doing other shows, not because the emotional links were fake. And, the truly real relationships will stick. I look forward to the next time I can work with anyone from this show again.

I haven't been talking alot about my Christan journey. That's becuase I haven't really been focused on it for a while. At least with the show being over, I can hopefully reestablish a daily prayer and Bible reading routine. I have noticed that I'm not feeling... at home... with the church I attend. The people I am most close to from there are for various reasons leaving it. Most of the reasons have nothing to do with the church itself, but life... as in it's hard to attend a church in Indiana when you live in California. But, this social loss is hard on me. I don't identify well with the twenty-somethings that are in the congregation. Nobody's fault. We're just at different places in our lives. And, I think I am seeking more friendships that are nearer to my own life's experience. I'm thinking about church-hopping, but then I kinda feel like I'm not giving some new relationships a chance. Plus, if I church-hop, who's to say that I'll be able to establish some frienships there? I don't know, so I guess this is a good point to ask God for a little guidance.

Opened

2007-06-06T08:57:00.000-04:00

I guess I should say something about the show since it's opened. Friday and Saturday night's shows were about 1000x better than the previous preview night and 2 rehearsals before that. Those three rehearsals were not good shows. Most everything was in place. There wasn't dropped lines really. There was just no energy. I think we had reached a point that the show was audience-ready but because we didn't have an audience or its energy, we didn't have any energy either.

But, the opening night, the show was pretty damn good. The second night was even better. We got a lot of needed energy from the audience. And not just energy but laughs. You never know what an audience will laugh at. It wasn't perfect - we need to improve the scene changes - but we still had two very good shows. If I find a review, I'll post it.

And you know what I like about this show, I mean, besides the show itself. Not a single diva. Not a single bad vibe from anyone. Everyone has been a complete joy to work with. And, it's casts like this that I get the most enjoyment out of. Just friendly and talented people and I can't say enough about that. I can't wait for the next opportunity to work with any of these people again (which I am hoping that will happen with "Children of Eden" next fall).

All Gone

2007-06-01T09:34:00.001-04:00

What? You didn't think you'd get to see my clean shaven face for free, did you? No, you gotta get a ticket - $12 bucks ain't so bad. Not only do you get ML's naked face, but you'll see 6 very straight men explore their *ahem* feminine side, 5 hotty French tarts, 4-part harmonies, 3 people entangled in lies, love and deception, 2 beheadings by guillotine live on stage, and a melodramatic, but happy ending.

Tonight is opening. Here's the link for ticket info. and another link for directions to the Belfry. There is road construction, so you might want to plan to leave a little earlier than normal to avoid any traffic snafus.

Again, there's a bajillion options for entertainment in the Indianapolis area over the next three weekends, and only a million or so of those options are theatre-related. Thank you to anyone who chooses any theatre-entertainment option for your support of the arts. And a special thank you who choose to come out to see this show. Your entertainment dollars could go to a variety of other options, but your patronage is greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy the hard work that went into putting this grandiose show on this small stage.

Please, if you do come to the show, stick around the lobby for a while and introduce yourself. It'll take me maybe 10 minutes to get out of costume and I would love to meet, hear and speak to you.

Stage 3

2007-05-31T15:22:00.000-04:00

Well, Stage 3 is here. It sucks taking pictures on my camera phone, but that's what I got. No iris adjustment, no focus, and I don't have Photoshop at home, so I can't tweak the colors. So, at least you know you're seeing an unaltered picture. I didn't try to doctor this one up to make it look better.

Shaved off the mutton chops. Just got the sideburns (which will stay for the show, unless the director says to nix them) and, of course, the pornstache. I don't like this look. Mainly because today it's called a pornstache. I'll like it more if it were still known as a handlebar moustache... Or am I thinking of a different 'stache?

The one thing I'm noticing is that with my hair pulled back I think my hairline is receeding. Need to look at older pictures and compare. Of course, my dad has pretty much been working the comb over since I was born. Guess I have that to look forward to.

Tomorrow, the final stage for the show opens... Naked face.

Click here for tickets and show times. There's numerous entertainment options for you in the Indianapolis area for the next three weekends, so I truly appreciate anyone who makes the trek to the Belfry in Noblesville to see this show. You now know what I look like, so make sure to stick around after the show and introduce yourself... unless your gonna go all stalker crazy on me... in that case, come to the show, but keep your distance and try to steal my tights from the dressing room.

Stage 2

2007-05-30T11:17:00.001-04:00

Welcome to Stage 2 of Clean Shave 2007. So what's the big deal I'm making out of something as mundane has shaving? Well, there's many friends who haven't seen me clean shaven. That's dating back to college. I can think of only three times since 1993 that I didn't have some form of whiskers: my first post-college job interview in 1996, "Bye, Bye Birdie" in the summer of 2005, and well, in just a few days. That's it.

I didn't do too much this time; just disconnected the beard and 'stache by the width of my beard trimmer and razor. You can see that it's disconnected in this picture, but you can't really see the mutton chop sideburns since my hair's in the way. As far as the hands, well, I thought it would be funny to have jazz hands in this shot, but it doesn't translate well, does it? I don't know why I thought jazz hands would be funny, especially since "The Scarlet Pimpernel" has no jazz hands in it. Jazz hands are just funny. But, not as funny as a guy my size dancing... in pink chiffon... which is why you need to come see the show.

Click here for tickets and show times. Or keep reading... whichever...

The Belfry presents
The Scarlet Pimpernel
directed by Michael MoyerMusic Direction by Deb FarmerChoreography by Maggie OgleFight Choreography by Eric BryantJune 1, 2, 8, 9, 10, 15, 16, 17
Fridays & Saturdays @ 8pm
Sundays @ 2:30pm
Tickets $12 a person
(Cash or check at the door)
Reservations Strongly Advised
(317) 773-1085 (option 2)

Cast List
Percy Blakeney (The Scarlet Pimpernel) - Roger Schmelzer
Marguerite St. Just - Kathleen Horrigan
Chauvelin - Scott Ganyo
Percy's Bounders (The League of the Scarlet Pimpernel):
Ozzy - Michael T. Long
Dewhurst - Bob Penney
Elton - Ted Mast
Farleigh - Dan Hedlund
Hal - Cameron Clark
Ben - Josh Meyer
Armand St. Just - Brett Taylor
The Prince of Wales / St. Cyr - Mike Jones
Marie Grosholtz - Betsy Bullis
Tussaud - Duane Leatherman
Mrs. Jessup - Susie Mohr
Robespierre - R. Brian Noffke
Ensemble:Katherine Clark, Monica Brothers, Jennifer Hedlund,Dana Russo, Susie Mohr Trevor J. Schiro-Long

I'll try to do better with the picture tomorrow...

Stage 1

2007-05-29T09:27:00.001-04:00

This is Stage 1 of Clean Shave 2007. The part I play in The Scarlet Pimpernel requires me to be clean shaven. I'll probably still have sideburns though. This is a look that my son has asked me to do for a while. He likes it because it's Triple H's beard. I like it because I'm damn sexy with it, right? (*crickets*)

So, everyday, I'll shave a little bit more until the look is complete and I'll do my best to post a new picture everyday. All I have is my wife's camera phone so this will have to do.

And, no, I'm not afraid of looking like a fool. In fact, I've learned that you can't be afraid to look stupid in front of others. You miss out on a lot of opportunity if you're afraid of looking stupid. And, at least to me, I look pretty silly with a naked face. It's the dreaded Plaisance double chin I inherited from my mother's side of the family. It's ok to laugh, that's what I'm here for... to make someone laugh...

The show opens Friday. Click here for tickets and show times.

Waltz, Waltz, Turn, Walk, Walk

2007-05-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

I am not a dancer. I certainly do not have a dancer's body. So, I feel like I have to make up for that when dance is required. It takes me longer to learn the choreography. When I'm not onstage, I'm going over the dance steps. The really sickening thing to me is... all I really wanna do is dance! It's my weakest link in the triple threat (singing, acting, dancing) but I do love it so. How much do I love to dance? My current pipe dream is to become a celebrity not for the fame and fortune, but so I can qualify to appear on "Dancing With The Stars." If you watched the latest season, I'm easily the Billy Ray Cyrus of the ensemble. By that I mean, I'm all heart and character, not much rhythm.

So, I get frustrated with myself when I have trouble with the choreography. And, it's not like I'm having major, I-can't-learn-it problems. I'm just demanding perfection out of myself. To be honest, an audience probably wouldn't notice my waltz isn't the best thing. But, I don't want to be the one that slacks and makes the ensemble and stage picture look bad.

At the end of Act I, there's an incredible song called "The Riddle." There's kind of a love triangle between the 2 male leads and the female. And, they are singing about who can they trust. Very good Act I ender song. In it, the ensemble does a very fast-paced waltz. Probably about 2 minutes of waltzing... really friggin' fast. I'm nearly out of breathe at the end and have to hit a hit Bflat. That note is right at the breaking point of my range. If I can't support the note, I can't hit it. Luckily, the stage is small and I can use my falsetto voice to hit it. Don't have to worry about power on this small stage. Falsetto should be fine. At least the music at the end is written to be able to go, "Note-GASP for AIR-Note-Big Gasp-HIGH NOTE that I have to hold forever." Those two big breaths help alot. But, that's not my feet.

Last night, I was very discouraged with myself when it came to the waltz. Part of the problem is I'm a lefty and it's very natural for me to do the half-turns a certain direction. But, I have to learn to ignore what's natural and turn the other direction. That's the way the dance should go. Maggie, the choreo, has told me not to worry about the direction and just worry about the 1-2-3 steps in the waltz. But, I'm worried that it won't look right if I'm turning one way went everyone else is turning the other. After working on it last night, I think the waltz will be where it needs to be for opening night. So, I'm not going to stress about it and just do it. My partner and I have it figured out; I'm just going to pretend that I'm on "Dancing With The Stars" and try to feel like I'm a natural dancer. Hopefully, that will come out in my body posture.

In case I never get the chance to at rehearsals, I want to thank Maggie for her patience with me. And, my waltz partner, Katherine, for her willingness to do it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and for letting me lead.

Oh, and Darren G, thanks for the cookies!

Someone has to strike a pose...

2007-05-22T11:26:00.000-04:00

The title is a line from one of the funniest scenes in the Scarlet Pimpernel. More on that below...

I have to say I cannot remember a show I've performed in that was this close to be ready for an audience this far out. We open two Friday's from now on June 1st. By Thursday's rehearsal, I fully expect us to be running everything full speed. We had a vocal rehearsal last night and just about everything sounded audience ready. There's a few spots it's sticky, but we'll definately be there very soon. We have one dance to choreograph today. It'll be tricky because specific people have to be dancing with each other at specific times. But, I expect tonight will have an hour and half to hammer that all out exactly. We already know that the dance moves are, we just need to put in all the partner changing. See the show and that will make more sense.

The best scene (by best I mean FUNNIEST) is when the men learn how to be fops. The entire scene is hilarious. I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but 7 manly man getting in touch with their inner-girl is going to be funny.

Not only is the show just about audience ready (minus tech, that's next week), we've gotten to that point without having a single rehearsal where everyone single cast member is there. Lots of conflicts, but we're all so professional about our craft that it hasn't been a problem. And, the cast has been completely enjoyable to work with. Everyone is easy to talk to, joke around with etc. This is one of the best casts I've worked with on a personal level.

10 Questions Answered

2007-05-18T09:02:00.000-04:00

I found this on YouTube... Figured I'd answer. And I'm trying to keep my answers simple and short.

10 Questions that every intelligent Christians must ask themselves

1. Why doesn't God heal amputees?

God does not ever promise that life will be easy for his followers. The miracles Jesus performed in the Bible weren't just to heal people but to show His power and authority so that others could believe in Him and in the grace and salvation He offered. Today, God doesn't need to regrow someone's arm to get them to believe in Him. I am not God and can only guess as to why He doesn't perform a miracle and regrow someone's leg. Personally, I don't think He needs to. Christianity is big enough now that He doesn't need have to rely on miracles like that to gain supporters as He did when only 12 people where His disciples. Though, He still does heal with His miracles; we just don't have a 2000 year old book to read about modern-day healings. Ask a few Christians about the miracles they witnessed. God doesn't need to regrown an arm these days (my opinion).

2. Why are there so many starving people in our world?

Again, God does not promise that life will be easy for this followers. Additionally, He uses tragedies to bring about goodness in the world. Christians are called to respond to these tragedies. Without these evils, there would be no need for acts of kindness. If there were no suffering, we would not know how good we have it. And, when we have it good, we're called to help those that don't.

3. Why does God demand the death of so many innocent people in the Bible?

The video sites Bible verses like Exodus 35:2, Deuteronomy 21:18-21, Leviticus 20:8, and Deuteronomy 22:13-21, but doesn't take into account what the world was like back then. Brutal and Barbaric. And, what God is asking is not for people to be put to death, but for his people to rise above the barbaric nature of the time and live better lives. The verses are not about killing people who sin, but God telling people that willfully sinning is spiritual death.

4. Why does the Bible contain so much anti-scientific nonsense?

Simply put, God does not follow our science. He is capable of things that we do not currently have the capacity to understand. God does not fit into our rules and regulations. We cannot force Him to conform to our ideals. In fact, it's supposed to work the opposite way. We are called to follow His rules. Yes, we have to just accept on faith that God is above science. It's called Faith.

The video talks about the world being created in 6 days and Adam being created from dust and calls it nonsense. What the producer doesn't realize here is that those stories are allegory. Yeah, there's Christians who believe that, but they, too, are misguided.

5. Why is God such a big proponent of slavery in the Bible?

God is not a politician running on a platform. He is not a proponent of slavery and we cannot place humanistic labels on him. By calling people "slaves," He is not condoning the act of slavery.

The video calls out verses like 1 Peter 2:18 "Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh." But doesn't say anything about the entire text here, which explain it all. Read all of 1 Peter 2:13-25 and you'll see that the passage isn't about slavery. Verse 19 says, "For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God." God favors those who are persevere through hard times with their faith. Heck, He allowed the Jews to be enslaved for them to learn that lesson. As with history, we can learn from the Bible's past and strengthen our own faith.

6. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I'll make this as simple as possible. God never said that our lives on earth will be smooth sailing if we follow Him. Bad things will happen in our lives and it is through our faith in God that we learn how to handle those situations best.

7. Why didn't Jesus' miracles in the Bible leave behind any evidence?

Depends on what evidence you're looking for. Physical, tangible, I can touch it evidence? Um... Alot happens in 2000 years. I hope you're not expecting DNA samples and hairs from Christ's head today. If you want other evidence, read Acts and ask yourself would you be willing to die for your beliefs. Stephen, a disciple of Christ, was stoned to death for believing that Christ rose from the dead. He died for his belief in that miracle. Why would he not admit that Christ didn't rise from the dead? He would have lived if he did. But, he would be lying and denying God if he did, a fate worse than death. Imagine living in a time when people stoned you to death. It's a slow, painful and torturous end. What would you die in such a way for? Stephen, and many other early Christians, died because they not only believe Christ rose from the dead, but some of them where witnesses to his death and ascension. They were willing to die for that belief. How is that different from a suicide bomber dying for 70 virgins? The suicide bomber is murdering people as he dies. The martyr isn't.

8. How do we explain the fact that Jesus has never appeared to you?

Well, you know, when I called to him to help me and when I accepted him, he did appear to me. No, I didn't see a body in front of me. But, he did reveal himself to me. And, I have seen examples of his presence (Check out my October 2005 archives and this one from November 2005 for examples).

If you haven't accepted Christ, you will not get an answer that is satisfactory to you. If you are expecting to see a bright light, an angels' chorus and clouds all around you, you definitely have the idea of Jesus "appearing to you" wrong. Jesus doesn't come to us on our terms. We go to Him on His.

9. Why would Jesus want you to eat his body and drink his blood?

Because we're all supposed to be cannibals... Ok, seriously. The body and blood of Christ is representative of his sacrifice for us. Eating his body and drinking his blood is not talking about physical food and nutrition, but about spiritual food and drink to keep our faith strong. Following Christ's teachings keeps our faith strong. That's the quick nutshell answer. There are better people who can explain this to you than I can...

10. Why do Christians get divorced at the same rate as non-Christians?

That's easy. As the video says, "If God put to people together, that should seal the deal, right?" It should, but we're sinners and we don't always to what God wants us to or what is right.

The video goes on after the questions, "In order to believe in God, you had to create all sorts of strange rationalizations and excuses. If you are an intelligent, college-educated person, all of these rationalizations and excuses make you uncomfortable." Well, actually, what you call "rationalizations" don't make me uncomfortable at all because my faith is strong. Being a video editor, I can tell you alot of work went into producing this video. Unfortunately, the producer is horribly misinformed about Christianity. Generally, when someone puts out that much effort to slam something, it's because deep down they are lost and are seeking that which they slam.

I will assert that none of my answers will make since to you on your terms. You have to be willing to accept God's terms to understand the answers. The video says, "When you use your brain, and when you think logically about your religious faith, you can reach only one possible conclusion, the 'god' you have heard about since you were an infant is imaginary." Well, there's the problem. You cannot think about God in terms of human logic. God defies our logic... because He's God. Faith in God is not dictated by logic. Sorry to be cliche, but that's why it's called Faith.

It continues, "You have to willfully accept bizarre rationalizations to believe in your 'god.'"

Finally, something we can agree on.

Pink Chiffon!

2007-05-14T13:38:00.000-04:00

The difficult thing about blogging about a show I'm in is talking about it without giving it all away. There's some very funny stuff going on during "The Creation of Man" song. Here's a hint - my line is "But, Percy, I simply cannot hop about wearing pink chiffon." Now, picture me wearing an outfit from high society England circa 1792... Now picture me wearing that same outfit made out of pink chiffon... You know you want to see that. If you can't picture it, fork out some dough and come see the show! Of course, it's possibl we'll have to change the line to another color depending on what the costumer comes up with - the director mentioned lemon. Still, no matter what, I'll be in some sort of pastel because, to steal a line from the leader of the League the Scarlet Pimpernel, Perccy, "it do shimmer so." Burly men acting like girly men. That's my part.

I was having a tough time finding some of my character's nuisances. Then again, it's early in the rehearsal process. We just started running the show after learning music, dancing and blocking. I'm not 100% comfortable not having my script in my hand, but I'm not looking at it too much.

Anyway, like I said, I'm trying to find Ozzy's (my character) inner girly-man. I think I found a part of it last night. During "The Creation of Man," there's part where Percy is speaking directly to Ozzy, showing and telling him, and the rest, how to act foppish. Last night was probably the first time all of the characters were there to go over the song. Scheduling conflicts and what not. But, as Percy is singing his lines, I was able to react to them. One ad-libbed gesture inparticular gave me some insight into my character - I'll just say, "Roar." But, the reaction I got from it gave me a little insight into who "Ozzy" is.

I realized the other day that the show might be about the French Revolution, but it takes places about 15 years after American fought for and won indepenece from England. So, I'm thinking in some way, shape or form, my character was affected by that. Not sure how, not sure what the American Revelotion would have do to this character. But, I figure he'd would have been 15-20 years old at the time. Surely, Sir Osbert knew about the Brits sending troops across the sea. Maybe he even wanted to sign up. I don't know. Just something for me to think about to help develop the character, find his motives, etc.

The show is probably a bit further ahead of schedule, I'd say, considering all the scheduling conflicts. Sure, there's LOTS to work on and get together, but we've got three weeks until opening night. Plenty of time to get everything tweaked just right for high entertainment value. The trick to this show will be performing what is ususally large cast show on a small stage. I mean small stage, tiny and with no wing space. The cast is about 25 people. The stage gets pretty crowded when you add sets, furniture, etc. It'll be interesting...

...By the way, I can waltz. I didn't know that before, but I can can-can, too.

Vivez la Jack

2007-05-09T07:44:00.000-04:00

Pimpernel rehearsals are going well. The cast is very talented and, after 2 music rehearsals, already sounds great. I don't mean, "I need to sell the show, we already sound great." No, there's still some problems like we need to put our books down for one. But, for a second rehearsal, we sound very good and cannot wait to hear what we sound like on opening night (June 1st at The Belfry).

Blocking and choreography rehearsals are going smoothly. I learned how to waltz the other day and I can't wait to get it up to speed. I'm very satisfied with how my big body moves when dancing. I think I gots some moves for being a white boy and 60+ pounds overweight. The highlight of the show (chorus-wise) might just end up being "The Creation of Man." It's the song where the men learn how to act foppish to appear as if they are complete nincompoops. One of my lines is, "But Percy, I simply can NOT hop about in pink chiffon!" Me, in pink chiffon. Worth the price of admission, no? Hopefully, costume-wise that will be able to happen.

Jack needed surgery last week on his toe. Basically, he had to have one toe declawed. Don't know exactly what happened. We went to get one night and the next morning he was limping. Upon examining his front left paw, it looked like his claw was missing. This happened on a Friday and we're able to get him a vet appointment until last Tuesday. We figure he got his claw caught on something and he started freaking out and ripped it. Poor guy. I took him in because the wife doesn't want him associating the pet carrier/cage and vet trip with her. I don't mind.

So, last Tuesday, he had surgery and came home Wednesday. He had to wear a neck collar to keep him from biting and scratching at his wound and bandages as it healed. But, Jack's a smart cat. He couldn't bite the bandage, but he was using the collar to slowly wedge it off. On the ride home from the vet, he succeeded in getting the bandage off. When, I took him out of the carrier, the neck collar has reddish brown stains all over it. I thought it looked like iodine, like the vet used iodine to sanitize his wound, but then I realized they would have sanitized his foot not his neck. No, that was blood. In his attempts to free his paw from it's bandage, he popped a stitch. So, back we go to the vet. She cleans him up and basically puts him in a kitty cast so he can't get the bandage off. But, he doesn't have to wear the collar... Mission Accomplished for Jack. That's all he wanted and he knew how to get it.

We have make sure he doesn't do much running, jumping or playing for 2 weeks. That will end this weekend. But, we also were told to confine him to one room to keep the other cats from getting him riled up so his could heal. Plus, he has to use a special *ahem* sanitary liter. It's recycled newspaper pellets that absorb wetness. The theory is to use this stuff because regular litter gets dusty and that dust can cause an infection in the wound. You have to completely change the litter everyday, and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. And, all this for one toe. I cannot imagine the 4 weeks of this that cats who get declawed go through.

He wants out so bad. The girls generally are sitting at our bedroom door so they can rush in when we open it. We'll let them in for a few minutes while we can watch them. They cannot use the litter that's in there right now, so we have to kick they out before too long. Here's the analogy for how they are behaving: Jack thinks he's confined in prison (our bedroom) and we let the girls in for conjugal visits. The girls just want to play with Jack, they aren't having anything to do with his sexual advances... which kind of looks like attempted rape, but it's cats and that's how they do it.

The Itch is Scratched

2007-04-18T16:04:00.000-04:00

Finally, I'm off my theatre hiatus. The Itch has been scratched! I'll be getting back on stage for The Belfry's upcoming production of "The Scarlet Pimpernel." I got the call earlier today and I couldn't be more happy to be working with the people involved in this show. I was cast as "Ozzy," which all I know about that character is that he's in the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel. If you're not familiar with the story, that means I'm a good guy. The production goes up at the very beginning of June. Rehearsals start nearly immediately.

The cast list hasn't been announced, so I can't go into details about who is playing what. But, from the list I have heard so far, the cast is very talented. There's a few people I've seen on stage before, but haven't had the chance to work with. I'm quite looking forward to that. Michael Moyer, who played Rapunzel's Prince when I was in "Into The Woods," is directing and it will be nice to work with him again.

I'm realizing something about myself from these auditions. I guess I knew this already, but it's my vocal audition that gets me parts. It's probably why I haven't done a straight play for a long while. My voice is my crutch. I'm not saying I won't get parts without it. I'm not a bad actor, but I probably need to be at least a better auditioner when it comes to the script read. And the dance... I'm not good at the dance part...

Losing some weight would probably open up a door to better parts. There's not a lot of plum roles that call for an overweight lead... then again, I know my niche is as comedic charactor actor. But, if casting is at least half looks (which it is and I accept that), maybe I should be working on my looks, too. Heck, slimming down is likely to open up whole other world of roles for me.

In the meantime, it'll be "Into The Fire" as I join the League of the Scarlet Pimpernel. Please note that "Into The Fire" is a song in the show where the League is formed. That was supposed to be a joke... Yeah, it wasn't so good.

The Love's the Same

2007-04-05T19:03:00.000-04:00

There's was a lot of talk in Indiana last year about a prayer being said before a State Congressional Session. The Speak of the House at the time, Brian Bosma (R), was adamant about saying a "Christian" prayer, while others said it was a violation of Church and State. That's the basic story. And, for the record, I do agree it's a violation of Church and State.

But, that whole controversy got me thinking about why people get offended when a Christian prays for them. Or even, why anyone gets offended when a someone prays to their god for them. I don't get it.

Personally, if someone wants to pray to their god for me, go for it. Thank you for loving me enough and respecting me enough to want your god to bless me. That's how I feel about it. And, that's the spirit in which I pray for people. You might not be a believer in my God, but my prayer for you shows how much I love you. You don't have to understand my God to understand that sentiment - I that respect and love you enough to want my God to work in your life.

Then, I wonder how would I feel if, say, a Muslim asked to pray for me. And, I have to say, I wouldn't have a problem with it. It works both ways.

In Matthew 25:40, Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" And in Matthew 25:45, he says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'" (Take a moment to read the Parable of the Sheep and Goats these quote come from.)

I take that to mean that it doesn't matter what "religion" you are, live your life with love, even if you don't know the love you share is the same that Christ shares... That's the simplistic version anyway.

More P in the House

2007-03-14T10:16:00.001-04:00

Cap'n Jack is just about a year old now and he's massive. He's not fat, he's just thick and heavier than he looks. He was 13lbs. when I brought him to the Low Cost Spay/Neuter Clinic (Very cheap compared to Vets, highly recommended) to get fixed. Which leads me to the reason we finally got him fixed. There's more pussy(cats) in the house.

We wanted to get another cat to keep Jack company while we were away for the day. So, we wound up at PetSmart one Friday evening. There were four kittens that were oh-so adorable waiting to be adopted. The two orange and white tabby brothers were tiny, and about 2-3 months old. Neither had been fixed, but with another male in the house, more kittens wasn't going to happen. There were also two grey striped sisters around 4 or 5 months old. They had been spayed, so no worries about more kitties there either. They all were rescued from a kill shelter. We asked to play with them all and my wife and I took turned holding, petting and playing.

The PetSmart people told us to adopt one of them we'd have to fill out adoption forms and that the From The Heart Rescue people would be there the next day if we wanted to come back. Well, the next day, it snowed and the shelter people cancelled. We were told they'd be back in two weeks. "Oh, well," I thought, "Guess we're not getting another cat right now. Those will probably be gone in two weeks."

Well, that Sunday, we were eating lunch in the area and decided to go show the kid the cats we were looking at so he could have some input about which cat to adopt. Turns out, the shelter people were there. After playing with the cats some more, we decided to adopt the two sisters. I didn't have the heart to split them up, so now we have three cats... Jack, Hannah and Misfit. Now, we each have our own cat. Hannah is my baby. Misfit is the kid's and Jack is, and will always be, my wife's.

I want to stop for a minute and tell you if you are thinking about getting a pet, look up From The Heart Rescue. They charge a $90/$125 adoption fee for cats and dogs. But, they also keep their pets up-to-date on shots and spay/neuters. If you're getting a pet from the "free puppies" or "free kittens" ad, that's fine, but bear in mind that you'll end up paying more at the vet for shots and alterations. Why pay more when you can pay less for a pet that's up-to-date on shots and has been altered?

Anyway, Blogger's being a bitch and I can't upload a picture of the new cats. I'll get a picture up here eventually. Maybe, I'll even start posting weekly kitty porn picts, once I figure out the best way to do that. But, here's some links to pictures the shelter took for their records: Hannah (previously known as Silky - blah) and Misfit (previously known as Minnie - blah too).

So, how are these cats getting along? Well, pretty well actually. Jack's a stud and his quite happy to have two playmates (and I mean that in every sense of the word) in the house. Hannah has settled in as the resident purr monster. Just touch her and her engine is off. Misfit... well, Misfit is definitely aptly named. She's a jumper and has been frequently been shooed out of the kitchen sink.

Jack and Misfit still fight... a lot. There are tons of cat howls and growls as they fight. But, it doesn't look like they are hurting each other. It looks more like kitty courtship. I think it's taking Jack a while to get him some because the other two are so small and he's so big. And, in a tiny cat way, neither of them are ready for cat sex. But, oh, how they tease Jack.

Misfit will start all of the fights with Jack. He, being the gentle giant, will play along not clawing or biting just bopping. The instant he gets the upper hand, Misfit starts yelling. "Won't someone save this fair maiden from this beast," she seems to cry. I swear they fight like they are a redneck couple and we are the cops called in to investigate domestic abuse. We'll break them apart and Misfit complains, "Don't take him away, I love him. I don't want you to arrest him. We were just playing." And, the next minute they are cuddle up together, licking each other. Hannah just lies down and purrs.

Misfit is a jealous bitch, too. She and Hannah were sleeping on our bed when Jack jumped up there. He went over to Hannah and started licking her clean. Misfit woke up, saw Jack licking her sister and proceeded to get between them. She was successful because Jack started licking her instead. Hannah got up and moved. Jack and Misfit were laying together lick each other. It looked like two teenage cats on the couch. That's when I noticed Hannah. Her nose was up Jack's butt and she was licking his balls. That's right - Kitty Orgy on our bed. Like I said, he's a stud.

I ain't stoopid

2007-03-07T08:13:00.000-05:00

Fell at the Fall

2007-03-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I have never said something about the Adam and Eve story in Genesis before. Something this weekend just hit me over the head about it and I need to share.

The story of the Fall is not about how sin entered into equation. It's not about a snake deceiving man. It's not about man's need for knowledge. It's not even about how man or this world was created.

Before Eve took a bite from the tree of knowledge and got Adam to do the same, the Garden of Eve was a pefect place. A literal heaven on earth. Man's relationship with God was perfect. Then, the snake came along, tempted man with an apple, and *boom* we're all a bunch of sinners.

This story is about why we need God in our lives. When man disobeyed God, our relationship with him was shattered. So, it is the same today with sin.

Back before the Fall, our relationship with God was perfect because we didn't sin, we didn't disobey His rules, and we were pleasing to the Lord. We needed that relationship with God and vice versa. As God himself says in Genesis 1:31, "It was very good." Afterwards, the relationship became troubled, to say the least, and we've been trying to heal the wounds ever since.

The story of the Creation and the Fall is not about the first man and woman. It's not about how the world came into being, nor how quickly. It's an allegory showing why we need a relationship with God. Without him, we are broken.

I don't want to go into more detail than putting that thought into your head. Think about it, meditation on it, whatever you do, do it. Once you understand the allegory, you can maybe better understand the rest of the Bible's message and why we need to fix the broken pieces of our relationship with God.

Pity Party

2007-02-27T15:17:00.000-05:00

I'm having a pity party and you are invited. Please attend.

You know, I don't know if I'm getting tired of blogging or I just feel like I'm talking to myself or what. Some days, I feel like what's the point of keeping my thoughts out there. Other days, I remind myself why. Other days, that reason isn't enough.

Today, I am wondering if anyone would notice if I never posted here again. But, I think that's me just having a pity party. There's important work to be done here, right?

Why do I blog? I'm not a political ranter, though I do enjoy discussing political ideas. I don't wax poetic on the news of the day. And I really don't want this to be a blog that talks about every stupid detail of my day. Please do me a favor and shoot me if I am doing that.

So, what's the blog for? At this point, I honestly just hope that my thoughts on God, Jesus, faith, etc... well, i can only hope that it makes a difference to some one at their time of need.

I imagine some lost soul googling something and tripping they way to my blog only to read a post like this or this. And, that somehow that person's life is changed for the better - like showing my faith made a difference.

In fact, that's something I pray for. I ask God to give me the opportunity to show one person the next day what His love and mercy is. I don't mean I want the chance to browbeat a non-believer into believing. But, I do want to show that person God's kindness and maybe loosen a brick from the wall that's keeping them from God.

But, then I look at the archive list and see on average I've posted less than three times in the past eight months. Obviously, something ain't right. I'm not sure what it is. Is it me being lazy? Have I run out of things to say? Is it me seeing stats that say maybe 4 people visit this place a day (and I'm not 100% sure that it's not just me visiting)? Is my message turning people away? Am I *gasp* boring? You tell me.

In a previous post, I wrote:

"Ecclesiastes 12:10 says, “The Teacher searched to find just the right words, and what he wrote was upright and true.” When it comes to blogging, I can think of no better level to aspire to. When it comes to writing about Christ and God’s truth, I relentlessly pray God will help me find the right words and that they will be interpreted as true. That’s all I hope for this blog to be."

I'm still down with that idea. I just don't seem to be following through. You tell me, am I?

40 Some Odd Days of Sacrifice

2007-02-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

I decided to give up something for Lent this year. I haven't done that in ages, and I can't honestly remember actually giving something up in my Catholic childhood. What I do remember is having some form of boiled seafood every Friday since meat was out. It's Friday today and I wish I had a big old pile of boiled crawfish in front of me, but alas, it's PB&J for me today.

Anyway, Lent... The purpose is to make a sacrifice and devout that extra time or what have you to God. That's the simple version. So, I thought about it and the best thing I think I can "sacrifice" is non-work related television viewing. I watch a lot of prime time TV and the more I thought about it, the easier it was to give up.

Here's my weekly television schedule:
Mondays - Not much on for me, but I'd watch "How I Met Your Mother" with the family and suffer through "The Class." I say "suffer through" because while it's actually a pretty funny show (don't tell my wife I said that), it really bothers me that I'm supposed to laugh at people having affairs, making horrible life decisions, etc. I don't know why it does. I guess I just don't want to get into ANOTHER TV show because I probably could get into "The Class" if I let myself (again, don't tell my wife). No, I refuse to watch Heroes.

Tuesdays - Well, American Idols' back and it's right before one of the two favorite shows, "House." The latter is one of two shows we tape if we're going to miss. I don't like to miss it. It's a great show you should be watching.

Wednesday - It was Beauty and the Geek (Thank goodness Cecelia didn't win). Now that Season 3 is done, America's Next Top Model will be on. Its a show I don't need to watch, but the family likes it so I'll watch with them. Then, we'd switch to American Idol and then Lost. At this point, I'm over Lost. It was a can't miss show, but I'm over it.

Thursday - Earl, The Office, then Grey's Anatomy. I can miss Earl or the Office because while they are hysterical, they don't matter that much. Grey's Anatomy is the other show I can't miss. Fans of Grey's Anatomy can understand how much of a sacrifice I'm making for Lent. If you saw last week's cliffhanger, then you know. I haven't watched last night's end to a three episode arc and I didn't have it taped, so if I see it, it'll be in reruns.

Friday - As much as this pains me, I'll just have to miss WWE Friday Night Smackdown.

That's a healthy 9 hours a week of TV watching. I didn't even include weekend TV, which isn't much now that football is over, nor did I include early access or late fringe syndication. I am going to really miss nightly South Park reruns. All in all, I probably watch at least 12 hours of TV a week. That's a lot of time I can sacrifice and devout to God. It is, after all, only TV.

And that's the attitude I'm waking up with this morning. Grey's Anatomy was the most watched TV show in Indianapolis last night and considering last week left Meredith Grey dead on the table, last night's episode was sure to be riveting. But, I don't really know because I didn't watch it. And I woke up this morning not really caring if she lived. I'm sure she did, the show's called "Grey's Anatomy" for a reason. But, my point is my time was better spent in the company of God doing good things.

In fact, last night I got a call from Pastor Dave asking if I had a few hours to help the new pastor move into his house. Last week, I would have made an excuse not to go. Heavy labor or Grey's Anatomy? Hmmmm... Easy choice. This week, I went with heavy labor and it was the better choice by far. I helped a person in need and likely started laying the foundation for a possible friendship.

So, while I might be missing out on the mystery of the island that never gets freaking solved, I am answering other questions about who I am transforming into and what kind of person I want to me.

The real question is what do once Lent is over. Do I go back to watching TV? Honestly, I don't know right now. I'd like to say that 3 days into Lent that don't think I will. But I also know that I am human and I know how easy it is to give into old enjoyable temptations. Not that watching TV is a sin. No, I just mean I could be doing something much better.

denyPOD

2007-02-07T10:43:00.000-05:00

Excuse my ignorance, I don't have an iPod or mp3 player. But what's the point of an iPod if you make it illegal to use one while walking?

Ban Proposed On Walking While Talking, Listening To iPod

Seriously, I gotta think one of the best uses of an iPod is while you're walking, running, getting exercise. So, in New York City, where they are banning trans fat for health reasons, they don't want you to exercise now? Sorry, I really don't get that...

Everything Blue

2007-02-05T07:37:00.000-05:00

To celebrate the World Champion Indianapolis Colts, Everything Grey is now Everything Blue, at least temporarily.

I'm happy for Peyton. But I want sleep. After the game, I had to come into work and put together a "Congrats on winning the Super Bowl" spot. I've been up since 8 a. m. Sunday Morning. Going on 24 hours. Likely to be more. The VO guy didn't send my audio for another spot on Friday and that one was due at close of business Friday. So, I still have to edit that as soon as we do get his audio. That's all it needs - the audio. But, he's on Pacific time so the earliest I'll get the audio is NOON. I'm hoping my boss will get someone else to slap the audio on those spots so I can sleep today. Now, I'm waiting for the boss to come in... ZZZ zzz ZZZ zzz...

I'm sorry this post sucks... but give me a break... I'm literally falling asleeping typing this..........................

Chin up, Saints Fans

2007-01-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

My pastor came up to us after worship yesterday. He, being a Chicago Bears fan, told us that (*cue the harps and bright light*) an Angel of the Lord came to him last night in a dream. That angel told him to comfort my family with the knowledge that, while the NFC Championship game pitting Da Bears against the New Orleans Saints (America’s and God’s team) would be disappointing for Saints fans, God wants us to know He has greater plans for the His Team. We shared a good laugh because he didn’t really have an angel appear to him; we were just fans of opposing teams trash talking. But, the more I thought about it, the more I see how he is right.

For the first time in the history of the Saints franchise, I believe they have something they never had before – a future. They’ve had a few winning seasons, a few playoff games, but never before have they had the opportunity they have before them now. Right now, this team has the chance to become a modern-NFL dynasty. And, truthfully, that’s better than a one-time Super Bowl trip for the city of New Orleans. Ask Tampa Bay, Atlanta or Carolina, how they feel about their Super Bowl trips and the next season(s). What have they done since their Super Bowl trips? Nothing.

In today’s NFL, a dynasty cannot be defined as it was in the past – multiple Super Bowls in a row. Gone is the dominance of the Steelers in the 70s, 49ers in the 80s, Cowboys in the 90s. Today, a dynasty is better defined as getting to the Conference Championships consistently, winning most of them to get the the Super Bowl and winning it. For example, the Patriots are a modern-day NFL dynasty. The only dynasty the Saints have had is the Ain’ts Dynasty. But, with their youth, heart and fire, they have the opportunity to become a true dynasty for the first time in history. Isn't that what the Katrina-ravaged city needs more? A dynasty brings more to the New Orleans economy than a one time trip. Plus, being a perennial winner brings more hope than say a perennial loser. I mean, did you feel hopeful last year when the Saints ended their season 3-13? I'm betting nope.

While many saw the Bears dominate the Saints, I saw something different. I saw a team that for the first time in it’s history play to win rather than play to control the margin of loss. I saw a team of youth learn valuable lessons that only come with experience. I saw a coach make decisions to help give his team a chance to win and challenged them to do so. I have never seen a Saints team play with the heart and determination I saw this season. Regardless of what the scoreboard said, the Saints kept fighting. And, that’s what makes this team different than any other team in its franchise history.

So, Saints fans, while your heart aches this morning, take comfort in the future. This team is poised to do wonderous things for the city. They no longer are the Ain’ts. We don’t have to wear paper bags on our heads. We have a truly blessed team. This is only the beginning.