This is a copy of the letter I sent to the Carmel Community Players Board of Directors about a month ago. My term on the Board of Directors came to an end today. The bold emphasis added below was not in the original copy, but I added it here because that's really the thing to take away. Thank you.
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To the President of Carmel Community Players, the Board of Directors, its Staff, Membership, Patrons and Supporters:
As
you know, my current term to serve on the Board of Directors comes to
an end at the Annual Membership meeting on May 2nd, 2012. This letter
is to inform you that after months of careful consideration, I have
decided to not run for re-election to the board at this time.
When
I joined CCP’s board, little did I know where the organization would be
today. Right after I was appointed to the Board to fill a vacancy,
everything changed. I won’t rehash that history as most everyone is
familiar with it. But, since being thrust into a leadership position, it
has been an honor to serve CCP and help steer the organization through
those troubled times when we weren’t even sure we’d be able to put on
another show. Despite the difficult hurdles we faced, I am very proud
of what we have accomplished here at the Playhouse and always will be.
Please
note, that this decision does not mean I won’t be around. I fully
intend to follow through on all my commitments, including directing
“Grease” should it be accepted into the season. {ML NOTE: It wasn't accepted and I am fine with that. I think the new season has some wonderful possibilities.} Additionally, I still
plan to volunteer at the box office and concessions, and help with
Vendini and the website, even help with tech where my schedule allows.
And I will do so as long as I can or until the organization wants and
finds someone else to handle some of these duties. It’s just that,
after four years of putting every ounce of myself into this theater and
organization, things in my personal life have risen up, or have been
neglected for too long, and need my full attention. I need time to
focus on other important goals and projects in the free time I do have.
And,
unfortunately, something has to give. This is not a decision I came to
quickly. For months, I struggled with figuring out what was important
and what could be put off a little while longer. While it pains me to
not seek re-election at this time, I am comforted knowing that the
organization is very capable of even greater growth in my absence.
If
there is one thing I regret it’s that I maybe took too long to make
this decision. With about a month until the next election of officers, I
understand that I am putting unfair pressure on the board to scramble,
and for that I do apologize. But, I am confident with the leadership
on this board that the organization will quickly adjust accordingly.
Thank you for your patience and understanding.
With Respect,
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Of Saints and Ghosts
True story that I have to share. With a little backstory...
We have a little ghost in our house. It mainly manifests itself via the lights. It gets our attention by playing with the lights. Lights will go off for no reason, then come back on. I've had to replace numerous lightbulbs because it likes popping them. When I say it likes popping them, I mean, "dammit, I just changed that bulb 4 hours ago." Not even kidding about that. The ghost is otherwise harmless, but obviously does not like the vibe in the house when the wife and I raise our voices.
One other thing before you say something like it's just faulty or bad wiring. We have 4 cats. They obviously can see the ghost. They are curious but afraid of it. They do not like it playing with them. I have personally seen our cat, Hannah, walking down the hall when all of a sudden she is pulled backwards by her tail. You heard me, something in the air pulled her by her tail and she slid about 3 or 4 feet... backwards. When it let go, she freaked and hid for a while. So, believe me when I say, we have a ghost.
I was watching the Saints game this weekend, and while we lost, it was a good game. You can't make 5 turnovers in the playoff and win. Came close, but no cigar. And that's ok. Still love our boys! Bless You Boys!
Anyway, not that point. Near the end of the game, the Saints had finally taken the lead when I notice my sister in Orlando posted on Facebook, "I have been ordered by my husband and BFF to stay out of the room because the Saints are winning." This might seem odd, but it goes back to football traditions and how the 12th man effects the game. Like how people have a special football watching outfit to root their team on. It's the voo-doo. What? You don't do that? I have a jersey that I wear. Then depending on how the game is going, I can add pajama bottoms, a fleece hoodie and a hat as the game progresses.
At this point, in the game, we were all cheering. Then, my wife comes up from the basement for dinner and sits down to watch the final minutes of the game. San Fransisco immediately scores to regain the lead. In the spirit of "you're jinxing the team," I start yelling to my wife to get back down to the basement. The vibe of the room had gone from elation to anger. And someone was not happy about that sudden shift.
Next thing you know, we hear a crash in the kitchen. One of the globe sphere light thingies on the kitchen light - the ghost's favorite light - had fallen crashed into a million pieces. Obviously, my yelling upset the ghost.
And it didn't help because the Saints still lost. No real point to this story really. Just don't piss off the ghost.
We have a little ghost in our house. It mainly manifests itself via the lights. It gets our attention by playing with the lights. Lights will go off for no reason, then come back on. I've had to replace numerous lightbulbs because it likes popping them. When I say it likes popping them, I mean, "dammit, I just changed that bulb 4 hours ago." Not even kidding about that. The ghost is otherwise harmless, but obviously does not like the vibe in the house when the wife and I raise our voices.
One other thing before you say something like it's just faulty or bad wiring. We have 4 cats. They obviously can see the ghost. They are curious but afraid of it. They do not like it playing with them. I have personally seen our cat, Hannah, walking down the hall when all of a sudden she is pulled backwards by her tail. You heard me, something in the air pulled her by her tail and she slid about 3 or 4 feet... backwards. When it let go, she freaked and hid for a while. So, believe me when I say, we have a ghost.
I was watching the Saints game this weekend, and while we lost, it was a good game. You can't make 5 turnovers in the playoff and win. Came close, but no cigar. And that's ok. Still love our boys! Bless You Boys!
Anyway, not that point. Near the end of the game, the Saints had finally taken the lead when I notice my sister in Orlando posted on Facebook, "I have been ordered by my husband and BFF to stay out of the room because the Saints are winning." This might seem odd, but it goes back to football traditions and how the 12th man effects the game. Like how people have a special football watching outfit to root their team on. It's the voo-doo. What? You don't do that? I have a jersey that I wear. Then depending on how the game is going, I can add pajama bottoms, a fleece hoodie and a hat as the game progresses.
At this point, in the game, we were all cheering. Then, my wife comes up from the basement for dinner and sits down to watch the final minutes of the game. San Fransisco immediately scores to regain the lead. In the spirit of "you're jinxing the team," I start yelling to my wife to get back down to the basement. The vibe of the room had gone from elation to anger. And someone was not happy about that sudden shift.
Next thing you know, we hear a crash in the kitchen. One of the globe sphere light thingies on the kitchen light - the ghost's favorite light - had fallen crashed into a million pieces. Obviously, my yelling upset the ghost.
And it didn't help because the Saints still lost. No real point to this story really. Just don't piss off the ghost.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
New Year, New Plan
New Year means it's time for a new plan for ML. The plan is to get the house in order. The plan is to sell or donate the crap I don't need and have accumulated. The plan is to do Couch to 5K when the weather is warm enough. The plan is to keep the house in order. And, the plan includes reminding myself of the path I am walking... or more accurately, the continue walking the path.
I started a new Bible reading plan last night - Finding Your Footsteps on the Moon. It's a 21 day reading plan aimed at helping you live a divinely inspired life. It is designed to inspire and motivate you in finding and walking in your God given purpose for you life. In truth, I think I may have lost some of my purpose in the past year. Or at least, I am struggling with finding what's the next chapter of life for me. Seems like a good time to figure that out for many reasons.
So, I started the reading plan and here's what I gathered from Psalms 139:13-18. The last line is "-when I awake, I am still with you." This stood out to me due to the double meaning "still" can have here. Still, as in calm, quiet, peaceful. Or Still, as in not moving away from. This is reassuring for a few reasons.
One, no matter where our paths lead us, God will always have our back. It is comforting to know that while I do stray from living with God every single day, He is always willing to bring me back to Him. His love and grace are never-ending. So, when I "awake" from whatever has pulled me from the Christian path, I am "still" able to get up and continue the journey.
Then, consider how calming God's influence can be in our lives. Through all the things that disturb our sleep, the things that keep us up at night, the little things that stress us out... when I awake from all of that, living a divinely inspired life helps to make those turbulent waters still. The difficulties are made easier knowing that God is on my side and that He will never desert me. God helps to keep me laidback.
As this New Year begins, I recognize that I will be facing quite a few difficulties. But, I am still with God. And that makes all the difference.
I started a new Bible reading plan last night - Finding Your Footsteps on the Moon. It's a 21 day reading plan aimed at helping you live a divinely inspired life. It is designed to inspire and motivate you in finding and walking in your God given purpose for you life. In truth, I think I may have lost some of my purpose in the past year. Or at least, I am struggling with finding what's the next chapter of life for me. Seems like a good time to figure that out for many reasons.
So, I started the reading plan and here's what I gathered from Psalms 139:13-18. The last line is "-when I awake, I am still with you." This stood out to me due to the double meaning "still" can have here. Still, as in calm, quiet, peaceful. Or Still, as in not moving away from. This is reassuring for a few reasons.
One, no matter where our paths lead us, God will always have our back. It is comforting to know that while I do stray from living with God every single day, He is always willing to bring me back to Him. His love and grace are never-ending. So, when I "awake" from whatever has pulled me from the Christian path, I am "still" able to get up and continue the journey.
Then, consider how calming God's influence can be in our lives. Through all the things that disturb our sleep, the things that keep us up at night, the little things that stress us out... when I awake from all of that, living a divinely inspired life helps to make those turbulent waters still. The difficulties are made easier knowing that God is on my side and that He will never desert me. God helps to keep me laidback.
As this New Year begins, I recognize that I will be facing quite a few difficulties. But, I am still with God. And that makes all the difference.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sonnet - My Muse
I sit to write a poem about my muse,
The whimsical soul who makes me complete.
Earning her love marks with scars and tattoos
Written with ink made from mine own heartbeat.
The passing times she comes to inspire,
She feeds my stomach with candy-like lies
Of thoughts and words of creative fire -
A Mona-Lisa smile, her disguise.
A burst of expression shakes through my hands
Weaving a hairshirt which strangely won’t fit.
She cackles and leaves my frozen wasteland
A traitor to art whose smoke I can’t quit.
She’ll come again, for which I cannot wait
For my muse knows I long to take her bait.
==========================================
So, I wrote this sonnet. Needed the challenge of a rhyme scheme and pattern. This was a struggle and I'm not wholly satisfied with this creative outcome. But, you gotta "write the shit" out, too, and I got the iambic pentameter and abab cdcd efef gg scheme in there, so technically, it's a sonnet. At the very least, this serves a purpose.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Prayer in a Status Update World
By now, I'm sure you've heard about the tragedy at the Indiana State Fair. The quick recap - a nasty gust of wind hit an outdoor concert and the stage rigging fell on the audience. As of now, 5 people died and 45+ people were treated for various injuries. It certainly is a tragic occurrence and I want to make sure you, kind reader, know that I am saddened by these events and my thoughts are with the families and friends of these affected by the stage collapsing.
That said, this post is NOT about the stage collapsing. This post is not meant to speak ill of anyone. These events are simply the catalyst for something I noticed as these events unfolded across twitter and facebook. I didn't notice it before, but now that I think about it, it certainly has become prevalent.
I refer to people posting status updates or tweeting something along the lines of "I am praying for the victims of this horrible event." Watching post and tweet upon post and tweet about the stage collapsing, I noticed a lot of people said they were praying. Which in this day and age, I guess I shouldn't come close to complaining about. That's a good thing that people are legitimately praying for others safety and well-being.
Still, I look back on the words in Matthew 6:5-6:
So, with that in mind, I'd like to take a look at how these verses apply in a Facebook/Twitter world. Or even if they do.
As I write this, I'm worried I may offend with my thoughts. Honestly, I'm not sure what I think or believe about this right now. I'm probably writing this down to get my thoughts out and eventually come to a conclusion.
So the crux of the situation is when we announce on Facebook, "I'm praying for the victims of..." aren't we being the "hypocrites" Christ was talking about? I'm sure the intention is sincere in offering our prayers. But, aren't we still sincere in our prayers without announcing via tweet? Are we doing it so publicly so other will see it and think we're a good person?
I don't think the prayer is any less sincere by any means. Still, why do we feel the need to announce it? Perhaps I'm being too cold to the victims of what ever tragedy we are praying for. It probably helps to know that people are praying for them. So, maybe I'm being too shallow.
Then again, for example, I don't know anyone who was at the State Fair when the rigging collapsed. So, if I were to tweet my prayers and condolences how do I know the victims would see it? So, I come back to the thought that we post our prayers so others will see how much of a good, caring person we are. And I hate that is where I am at with this because that leads to the thought that we're only praying so others will see that we are good, caring people.
Ok, how about this? Perhaps for all the people tweeting their prayers, there's others who aren't. Perhaps, there is a larger, silent group of people who mourn and pray for those affected by tragic circumstances. I'd like to believe that notion.
Don't get me wrong, it is nice to see a large swatch of my friends show their humanity. I am a lucky person to have such wonderful, caring people in my life. And, now, here's the revelation - I just hope they aren't looking my status updates asking "why doesn't he pray for these victims?" "He's not a good person because he hasn't shown that he cares about these people." Ok, people likely don't even notice. Which is fine because God does.
And that's my point.
Do you think that Heaven has WiFi?
UPDATE:
One point I don't think I really make above is that prayer status updates is really just a form of slacktivism. Here's a definition: "the act of participating in obviously pointless activities as an expedient alternative to actually expending effort to fix a problem." And, that's my problem with prayer status updates. It makes the poster feel all good to publicly support a cause, but does absolutely nothing to actually support that cause.
Daily Blessings:
That said, this post is NOT about the stage collapsing. This post is not meant to speak ill of anyone. These events are simply the catalyst for something I noticed as these events unfolded across twitter and facebook. I didn't notice it before, but now that I think about it, it certainly has become prevalent.
I refer to people posting status updates or tweeting something along the lines of "I am praying for the victims of this horrible event." Watching post and tweet upon post and tweet about the stage collapsing, I noticed a lot of people said they were praying. Which in this day and age, I guess I shouldn't come close to complaining about. That's a good thing that people are legitimately praying for others safety and well-being.
Still, I look back on the words in Matthew 6:5-6:
"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
So, with that in mind, I'd like to take a look at how these verses apply in a Facebook/Twitter world. Or even if they do.
As I write this, I'm worried I may offend with my thoughts. Honestly, I'm not sure what I think or believe about this right now. I'm probably writing this down to get my thoughts out and eventually come to a conclusion.
So the crux of the situation is when we announce on Facebook, "I'm praying for the victims of..." aren't we being the "hypocrites" Christ was talking about? I'm sure the intention is sincere in offering our prayers. But, aren't we still sincere in our prayers without announcing via tweet? Are we doing it so publicly so other will see it and think we're a good person?
I don't think the prayer is any less sincere by any means. Still, why do we feel the need to announce it? Perhaps I'm being too cold to the victims of what ever tragedy we are praying for. It probably helps to know that people are praying for them. So, maybe I'm being too shallow.
Then again, for example, I don't know anyone who was at the State Fair when the rigging collapsed. So, if I were to tweet my prayers and condolences how do I know the victims would see it? So, I come back to the thought that we post our prayers so others will see how much of a good, caring person we are. And I hate that is where I am at with this because that leads to the thought that we're only praying so others will see that we are good, caring people.
Ok, how about this? Perhaps for all the people tweeting their prayers, there's others who aren't. Perhaps, there is a larger, silent group of people who mourn and pray for those affected by tragic circumstances. I'd like to believe that notion.
Don't get me wrong, it is nice to see a large swatch of my friends show their humanity. I am a lucky person to have such wonderful, caring people in my life. And, now, here's the revelation - I just hope they aren't looking my status updates asking "why doesn't he pray for these victims?" "He's not a good person because he hasn't shown that he cares about these people." Ok, people likely don't even notice. Which is fine because God does.
And that's my point.
Do you think that Heaven has WiFi?
UPDATE:
One point I don't think I really make above is that prayer status updates is really just a form of slacktivism. Here's a definition: "the act of participating in obviously pointless activities as an expedient alternative to actually expending effort to fix a problem." And, that's my problem with prayer status updates. It makes the poster feel all good to publicly support a cause, but does absolutely nothing to actually support that cause.
Daily Blessings:
- I was on the right side of a discussion at work today and by right side I mean the same opinion as the GM. Ok, I was also on the right side of how to handle the situation...
- I've decided to choose to not to have a cigarette. It's been nearly 2 weeks. I don't say I quit though because that sets up for disappointment when I inevitablely give in. But deciding to choose not to smoke is more empowering, and I'm more likely to continue to choose not to light up.
- My wife for the last month or so of Mondays has let me watch WWE Raw without complaining, even sitting in the same room with me as I watch.
Monday, August 08, 2011
Just some blessings
- Progress is being made on the re-organizing the whole house situation. The wife wanted to rearrange things and that's fine with me. Do what you want, get the kids to help. She even mentioned something about a man-cave for me. The only draw back is that her meds have really flipped her sleep schedule. So, she sleeps when I'm at work. When I get home, we do dinner, chill together, etc. Then I go to bed around midnight and she and the kids get to work. I say kids, but we're talking 18 years olds - my kid and his friend.
- My presidency is over. And while I am relieved to have less responsibility, I am a bit worried about things. Nothing I need to go into detail about. Mainly, my way of doing things vs others way. But, this is a blessing because I am less stressed and learning to step back and enjoy things I've neglected the past few years.
- I've made the decision that it's time to move on in my career. Realistically, stepping up into a managerial/department head type position is probably at least two year away though... unless we want to move... and start all over with a new company... which really isn't feasible after 12+ years of service and 4 weeks a year vacation and vested stuff...
- So, I'm learning patience.
- Oh, and I'm learning that when God really wants to me learn something, He teaches me is a way that makes me laugh at my own stupid bullshit. Maybe I'll expand on this later. Suffice it to say, I have to laugh when I think I'm one thing, but circumstances prove I'm not that and it's a good thing.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Chink In the Armor
To the person this is about: please don't read this. I don't want you to get the wrong impression. There's much more I want to tell you should we have the opportunity.
To the person(s) who reads this: don't assume it's about you or someone you know. It's not.
I had a dream about you last night. Honestly, I don't remember the specifics, only that you were there - perhaps we were just hanging out. But we were both laughing and very happy to see each other after so long. Part of me wants to take this as a sign that it is okay to contact you again. I miss our friendship; I'm realizing that more and more. Still, another part of me doesn't know if I am ready. And that's really silly when I think about it.
Through Facebook, I see we have a few mutual friends - the one's I'd expect. Yet, I can't bring myself to click "add as friend." Whenever I get close, I don't know if I am ready to face the rejection if you don't confirm. I feel some need to ask for forgiveness for some crime I've made up in my head. The crime of distance, of no communication.
Our lives are much different now than they were when we last spoke or saw each other. Well, based on what I can tell, yours certainly is and you look happy. Trust me when I say that is all I hoped for you. I wouldn't want an out-of-the-blue, unexpected message to throw a monkey wrench in your life or happiness. So, I maintain radio silence, if you will. Still, a small part of me feels like I need forgiveness for the mistakes I made.
Though, how much of the non-communication is really time and distance? Out of sight, out of mind? That thought is rather depressing. We shared a too rare a friendship for time/distance to be an issue.
So, maybe I do need your forgiveness. And honestly, that's all I want from you. For what though? There's the paradox - to gain your forgiveness I have to admit to you there was a crime.
I've matured and accepted things. I'm in a good place. No, not a perfect place, but perfection is not achievable.
In the end, I guess what I am asking is... can we be friends? Are we capable? I would like to think so. I hope some time in this life I am proven right.
Today's Blessings:
- After 3 years of go, go, go, I'm on a needed break. The focus is on house and home.
- I have a family who loves me enough to allow me to go, go, go for three straight years without asking me to stop.
- I have been granted respect from people who matter to me.
- I have done at least 4 shows in a row with very little, if any, drama/diva moments. I can see the common thread in why, too.
To the person(s) who reads this: don't assume it's about you or someone you know. It's not.
I had a dream about you last night. Honestly, I don't remember the specifics, only that you were there - perhaps we were just hanging out. But we were both laughing and very happy to see each other after so long. Part of me wants to take this as a sign that it is okay to contact you again. I miss our friendship; I'm realizing that more and more. Still, another part of me doesn't know if I am ready. And that's really silly when I think about it.
Through Facebook, I see we have a few mutual friends - the one's I'd expect. Yet, I can't bring myself to click "add as friend." Whenever I get close, I don't know if I am ready to face the rejection if you don't confirm. I feel some need to ask for forgiveness for some crime I've made up in my head. The crime of distance, of no communication.
Our lives are much different now than they were when we last spoke or saw each other. Well, based on what I can tell, yours certainly is and you look happy. Trust me when I say that is all I hoped for you. I wouldn't want an out-of-the-blue, unexpected message to throw a monkey wrench in your life or happiness. So, I maintain radio silence, if you will. Still, a small part of me feels like I need forgiveness for the mistakes I made.
Though, how much of the non-communication is really time and distance? Out of sight, out of mind? That thought is rather depressing. We shared a too rare a friendship for time/distance to be an issue.
So, maybe I do need your forgiveness. And honestly, that's all I want from you. For what though? There's the paradox - to gain your forgiveness I have to admit to you there was a crime.
I've matured and accepted things. I'm in a good place. No, not a perfect place, but perfection is not achievable.
In the end, I guess what I am asking is... can we be friends? Are we capable? I would like to think so. I hope some time in this life I am proven right.
Today's Blessings:
- After 3 years of go, go, go, I'm on a needed break. The focus is on house and home.
- I have a family who loves me enough to allow me to go, go, go for three straight years without asking me to stop.
- I have been granted respect from people who matter to me.
- I have done at least 4 shows in a row with very little, if any, drama/diva moments. I can see the common thread in why, too.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Blessings II
Today's blessings include:
- a buttload of groceries, more specifically the ability to purchase said groceries.
- de-shaggifying my hair, with a half off coupon I forgot I had.
- "Beautiful City" from Godspell is technically from a movie and therefore, I can perform it for CCP's "Light, Camera, Cabaret."
- Feeling the respect of my creative peers.
- Root Beer Floats
- Human Interaction tonight (ie. Drinks after the show)
- a buttload of groceries, more specifically the ability to purchase said groceries.
- de-shaggifying my hair, with a half off coupon I forgot I had.
- "Beautiful City" from Godspell is technically from a movie and therefore, I can perform it for CCP's "Light, Camera, Cabaret."
- Feeling the respect of my creative peers.
- Root Beer Floats
- Human Interaction tonight (ie. Drinks after the show)
Monday, July 11, 2011
Counting Blessings
A friend mentioned they were starting to write down their blessings daily. Sounded like a good idea today. Without getting too mopey, I am counting one today - I can type this from my phone and post it. One! One Counted Blessing! Ah ha ha ah ah!
Ok, bad Count impression over. I'll try a bit harder.
2nd blessing - I turned a spot around in no time, especially since it had to be done today AND I was assigned to do it today.
3rd blessing - I will fall asleep soon and can dream of a better day.
4th blessing - I realize I just need to make it to Friday. Three more sleeps after this.
5th blessing - The A/C is working.
Ok, bad Count impression over. I'll try a bit harder.
2nd blessing - I turned a spot around in no time, especially since it had to be done today AND I was assigned to do it today.
3rd blessing - I will fall asleep soon and can dream of a better day.
4th blessing - I realize I just need to make it to Friday. Three more sleeps after this.
5th blessing - The A/C is working.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thankful
Well, the last few posts here have been filled with nothing but whine and vinegar, eh? Let change that right now.
I am blessed and thankful for many things. Let's name as many as I can... My wife and step-son. Even if the lawn didn't get cut today. I have dandelions and that's ok. Even Stephen, the kid living in my basement, yes and am thankful for you. I can afford health insurance and I can pay for the drugs I need to get over this cold. I can look back on pictures of our last vacation and be filled with the love my entire family has for us. I haven't seen some of my best friends for months; but I know they feel the loss and miss me as much as I do for them. I have a job that I like, am good at and well paid for. I've only gained 2 pounds in 2 years, according to the doctor's scale. I put my all in everything I do. I am pretty sure I am respected; I'll say that I know I am by the people that matter. I like my smile. My dreams lately have been enjoyable. I kept my Lent promise, except for that one time and I really didn't like it, so I think I'll be keeping my Lent promise for life. I think God can understand a relapse if it leads to better decisions. I can listen to music any time I want. Whatever mood I am in, there is something on my iPod for that. I'm blessed that I have can have a convenient way to keep my music with me. I am looking forward to stage managing "Bat Boy" in July. I have not fathered any children unexpectedly. I think AND I feel. I speak softly, but carry a big stick, that I have never needed to use. Pretty sure I have conquered depression. I have my moments, but the funks don't stick like they used to. I can twist my tongue upside down. I can wear a pair of jeans for several days without a second thought. OK, the cats - Jack, Hannah, Misfit and BK. I am thankful for Josh, Erin, Ryan and Allison, Patrick, Jeff, Rikki, Madeline, Sarah, and Deanna more than they probably will ever realize. HA! I am thankful that I can be a guy and be friends with girls without it getting all weird. I can sympathize, empathize and listen to both sides and form my own opinion. I am an Uncle. 3x a godfather. I am blessed with Riley and Lily, Katy, Tony, Alex, Lisa and Nick - even Marianne and Joe. They probably don't realize that I am blessed because of them, but I am. Hooboy, am I thankful I have a sense of humor. I am also thankful that God has one, too. I am thankful that my ex-girlfriends are my ex-girlfriends and I am happy to have taken something away from each relationship. Yes, even that one, especially that one. The times I can say "I told you so." I am thankful my parents wouldn't let me watch pro wrestling when I was a kid. And I'm thankful I was able to sneak peeks early in the morning before they woke up. I enjoy art in all its many forms (well, maybe not abstract paintings). I am thankful for Liz Phair and Ryan Adams. I got life, brother. I got laughs, sister. I got freedom, mother. I got good times, man. I gots me my Swagger. Most importantly, I like who I am. If you can say that, you've got a good thing going, kid.
I am blessed and thankful for many things. Let's name as many as I can... My wife and step-son. Even if the lawn didn't get cut today. I have dandelions and that's ok. Even Stephen, the kid living in my basement, yes and am thankful for you. I can afford health insurance and I can pay for the drugs I need to get over this cold. I can look back on pictures of our last vacation and be filled with the love my entire family has for us. I haven't seen some of my best friends for months; but I know they feel the loss and miss me as much as I do for them. I have a job that I like, am good at and well paid for. I've only gained 2 pounds in 2 years, according to the doctor's scale. I put my all in everything I do. I am pretty sure I am respected; I'll say that I know I am by the people that matter. I like my smile. My dreams lately have been enjoyable. I kept my Lent promise, except for that one time and I really didn't like it, so I think I'll be keeping my Lent promise for life. I think God can understand a relapse if it leads to better decisions. I can listen to music any time I want. Whatever mood I am in, there is something on my iPod for that. I'm blessed that I have can have a convenient way to keep my music with me. I am looking forward to stage managing "Bat Boy" in July. I have not fathered any children unexpectedly. I think AND I feel. I speak softly, but carry a big stick, that I have never needed to use. Pretty sure I have conquered depression. I have my moments, but the funks don't stick like they used to. I can twist my tongue upside down. I can wear a pair of jeans for several days without a second thought. OK, the cats - Jack, Hannah, Misfit and BK. I am thankful for Josh, Erin, Ryan and Allison, Patrick, Jeff, Rikki, Madeline, Sarah, and Deanna more than they probably will ever realize. HA! I am thankful that I can be a guy and be friends with girls without it getting all weird. I can sympathize, empathize and listen to both sides and form my own opinion. I am an Uncle. 3x a godfather. I am blessed with Riley and Lily, Katy, Tony, Alex, Lisa and Nick - even Marianne and Joe. They probably don't realize that I am blessed because of them, but I am. Hooboy, am I thankful I have a sense of humor. I am also thankful that God has one, too. I am thankful that my ex-girlfriends are my ex-girlfriends and I am happy to have taken something away from each relationship. Yes, even that one, especially that one. The times I can say "I told you so." I am thankful my parents wouldn't let me watch pro wrestling when I was a kid. And I'm thankful I was able to sneak peeks early in the morning before they woke up. I enjoy art in all its many forms (well, maybe not abstract paintings). I am thankful for Liz Phair and Ryan Adams. I got life, brother. I got laughs, sister. I got freedom, mother. I got good times, man. I gots me my Swagger. Most importantly, I like who I am. If you can say that, you've got a good thing going, kid.
Commitment
Here's the definition of Commitment:
Ok, should I be committed for thinking that when you make a commitment you should be committed to finishing out said commitment for commitments sake?
I should probably be committed for typing that sentence...
Maybe I was raised differently. Or maybe people no longer care about honoring their commitments. It's a big thing for me if I break a commitment. I, or someone very close to me, has to pretty much be dead for me not to follow through on a commitment. And, even then, I'm probably finishing it up and dropping things off on the way to the funeral...
So, what is it? Is it me? Do I expect too much of people? The worst part is that I'm starting to expect disappointment when someone commits doing something now. That's the worst part; losing faith in people...
On a completely separate note, I was informed today that I might have to go to Las Vegas on company time in late July. And, I won't be disappointed if I don't get to go because they didn't make that commitment to me.
3. the act of committing, pledging, or engaging oneself.
5. engagement; involvement: They have a sincere commitment to religion.
6. perpetration or commission, as of a crime.
7. consignment, as to prison.
8. confinement to a mental institution or hospital: The psychiatrist recommended commitment.
9. an order, as by a court or judge, confining a person to a mental institution or hospital.
10. Law - a written order of a court directing that someone be confined in prison; mittimus.
11. Parliamentary Procedure - the act of referring or entrusting to a committee for consideration.
12. Stock Exchange - a. an agreement to buy or sell securities. b. a sale or purchase of securities.
Ok, should I be committed for thinking that when you make a commitment you should be committed to finishing out said commitment for commitments sake?
I should probably be committed for typing that sentence...
Maybe I was raised differently. Or maybe people no longer care about honoring their commitments. It's a big thing for me if I break a commitment. I, or someone very close to me, has to pretty much be dead for me not to follow through on a commitment. And, even then, I'm probably finishing it up and dropping things off on the way to the funeral...
So, what is it? Is it me? Do I expect too much of people? The worst part is that I'm starting to expect disappointment when someone commits doing something now. That's the worst part; losing faith in people...
On a completely separate note, I was informed today that I might have to go to Las Vegas on company time in late July. And, I won't be disappointed if I don't get to go because they didn't make that commitment to me.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Take This Cup...
Gonna get a little Jesus-y with this one. Hope that's ok...
Without going into details that I do not want all over the world wide web at this time, I am feeling tremendously overwhelmed with all that is being asked of me. Between work, home, friendships, theater and a host of other things I am not going to detail right now, I am very much struggling with the idea that I am going to make it to the other side of the tunnel. In fact, last night I literally fell to my knees and begged God for some help... begged for him to take some of these things away from me...
For some reason, whenever I ask God to "take these things away from me," you know, telling him that I don't think I can handle everything He is asking me to handle, I always think of Jesus Christ: Superstar. Specifically, Jesus's song "Gesthemane."
Lyrics: I only want to say, If there is a way, Take this cup away from me...
This song is Jesus' prayer to God before the events leading to his crucifixion. In the hours before he was arrested, he had such doubts and he makes no bones about how difficult it is to finish the job God called him to do. The Bible account in Matthew 26 says in verse 39: " Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" Jesus had such doubts, too. Our cups runneth over?
In the middle of prayer, on my knees, full of pain to the point of tears burning my eyes, this song and story pops into my head. I start praying for God to take this cup away from me because I cannot handle its poison. And, I laugh.
I laugh at myself because in that moment I realize how trivial my problems are. My bullshit is nothing compared to what JC went through so that we can receive God's grace. Funny, how in my moment of absolute weakness, I can find a glimmer of hope through laughter.
And it is then that I begin to thank God for reminding me what is important and that He does not throw anything my way that I cannot handle. I thank God for humbling me. And I continue thinking about the song:
Without going into details that I do not want all over the world wide web at this time, I am feeling tremendously overwhelmed with all that is being asked of me. Between work, home, friendships, theater and a host of other things I am not going to detail right now, I am very much struggling with the idea that I am going to make it to the other side of the tunnel. In fact, last night I literally fell to my knees and begged God for some help... begged for him to take some of these things away from me...
For some reason, whenever I ask God to "take these things away from me," you know, telling him that I don't think I can handle everything He is asking me to handle, I always think of Jesus Christ: Superstar. Specifically, Jesus's song "Gesthemane."
Lyrics: I only want to say, If there is a way, Take this cup away from me...
This song is Jesus' prayer to God before the events leading to his crucifixion. In the hours before he was arrested, he had such doubts and he makes no bones about how difficult it is to finish the job God called him to do. The Bible account in Matthew 26 says in verse 39: " Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" Jesus had such doubts, too. Our cups runneth over?
In the middle of prayer, on my knees, full of pain to the point of tears burning my eyes, this song and story pops into my head. I start praying for God to take this cup away from me because I cannot handle its poison. And, I laugh.
I laugh at myself because in that moment I realize how trivial my problems are. My bullshit is nothing compared to what JC went through so that we can receive God's grace. Funny, how in my moment of absolute weakness, I can find a glimmer of hope through laughter.
And it is then that I begin to thank God for reminding me what is important and that He does not throw anything my way that I cannot handle. I thank God for humbling me. And I continue thinking about the song:
God thy will is hardThis is the challenge God gives me - Take these things on. He needs me to and knows that I can do it. Therefore, I can accomplish all that He asks of me. His faith in me gives me strength. And, even in my weakest moments, He reminds me of his love and grace. I will take this on because You have asked me to. I am not sure what the results will be, but I know He will keep me safe.
But you hold every card
I will drink your cup of poison
Nail me to your cross and break me
Bleed me beat me kill me take me now -
Before I change my mind.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
ML - Nice Guy
I feel like I must respond to this.
12 Reasons Women Can't Stand Nice Guys by Lucia
Please take a few minutes to read the article. Then, come back for my response.
All read up now? I'm a nice guy who is happily married (meaning out of the dating scene, so who cares), so I'm not sure why I feel the need to respond to this dreck. Perhaps, it's because I am a nice guy. Perhaps, it's because I hope the women I know don't feel the same. And really, if my lady friends feel the same as Lucia, man, I really need to rethink our friendship.
Anyway, I think I'll go point by point in rebuttal.
1. NOT REAL. Nice guys are about as real as it gets. We fuck up relationships. A lot. Over stupid things. A lot. Since, we are mature nice guys, we are able to work past fucking thinks up in order to MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP BETTER and STRONGER. Perhaps we don't want to "upset the apple cart" because... WE REALLY LOVE YOU and like the part of our relationship where we are real and nice together. If you have a problem with that, perhaps it's not because I'm not real and nice, but you have trust issues.
2. RESPECT. I am not a doormat. You do not get to walk all over my feelings. I am a very generous person to the people I love because I love and respect them. I am not controlled, but give of myself freely. That generally garners all the respect that I need.
3. PREDICTABLE. Bad boys are just as predictable as this article claims nice guys are. The difference is yourself. What you think is predictable in Nice Guy Johnny, another (sane) woman finds mysterious or spontaneous. You see, this is the basis of forming compatible relationships. We discover what we like and don't like in people and finally end up in love with the perfect person... for US.
4. MOTHER NATURE. Women are designed to nurture... Somehow this means that nice guys don't need to be nurtured. I don't think it is a stretch to say that nice guys tend to be those sensitive fellows I hear women want. Is there no challenge nurturing a sensitive, nice guy? Really? Really?
5. FIXER-UPPER. So, nice guys don't have issues? Well, maybe compared to your (Lucia's) insanity spewed forth here they don't. Though she hit the nail on the head with the talk about "if they are busy 'fixing' someone else, they don’t have to look at what needs to be fixed in their own lives." Spot on. And that's really the problem here. It's not about nice guys vs bad boys, it's you have issues and are not mature enough to deal with them.
6. SPERM WARS. Actually, I think I would prefer a future where bad boys weren't so revered. Perhaps, if we as human beings stopped hooking up with bad boys, thereby perpetuating the possibility that more bad boys (it's in the genes, right?) would be born and raised, we could achieve so much more. Perhaps, in the future we'd be better off with more nice guys around.
7. FEAR OF INTIMACY. Sex does not equal intimacy. When I was in the dating world, the scariest thing in the world was reaching out to hold someone's hand. With bad boys, sex equals intimacy and you are missing so much wonderfulness if you settling for sex = intimacy.
8. LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Again, you have issues. Nice guys tend to help raise your self-esteem. Bad boys tear it down. Is it really that difficult to choose? Please seek help if it is.
9. SEX. Um... nice guys only care about one thing in bed. You. And you are complaining about that?
10. HOT. I suggest you watch COPS or America's Most Wanted. Or the Dumbest Criminals Ever.
11. CHARM. Yes, bad boys tell you want you want to hear. Nice guys tell you what you need to hear and in a nice way. Another way to put it is nice guys are honest with you.
12. PROTECTION. I will say this once. When I love you, you are protected. I am not mean or violent but when you are in trouble, I will do whatever is necessary to protect you.
12 Reasons Women Can't Stand Nice Guys by Lucia
Please take a few minutes to read the article. Then, come back for my response.
All read up now? I'm a nice guy who is happily married (meaning out of the dating scene, so who cares), so I'm not sure why I feel the need to respond to this dreck. Perhaps, it's because I am a nice guy. Perhaps, it's because I hope the women I know don't feel the same. And really, if my lady friends feel the same as Lucia, man, I really need to rethink our friendship.
Anyway, I think I'll go point by point in rebuttal.
1. NOT REAL. Nice guys are about as real as it gets. We fuck up relationships. A lot. Over stupid things. A lot. Since, we are mature nice guys, we are able to work past fucking thinks up in order to MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP BETTER and STRONGER. Perhaps we don't want to "upset the apple cart" because... WE REALLY LOVE YOU and like the part of our relationship where we are real and nice together. If you have a problem with that, perhaps it's not because I'm not real and nice, but you have trust issues.
2. RESPECT. I am not a doormat. You do not get to walk all over my feelings. I am a very generous person to the people I love because I love and respect them. I am not controlled, but give of myself freely. That generally garners all the respect that I need.
3. PREDICTABLE. Bad boys are just as predictable as this article claims nice guys are. The difference is yourself. What you think is predictable in Nice Guy Johnny, another (sane) woman finds mysterious or spontaneous. You see, this is the basis of forming compatible relationships. We discover what we like and don't like in people and finally end up in love with the perfect person... for US.
4. MOTHER NATURE. Women are designed to nurture... Somehow this means that nice guys don't need to be nurtured. I don't think it is a stretch to say that nice guys tend to be those sensitive fellows I hear women want. Is there no challenge nurturing a sensitive, nice guy? Really? Really?
5. FIXER-UPPER. So, nice guys don't have issues? Well, maybe compared to your (Lucia's) insanity spewed forth here they don't. Though she hit the nail on the head with the talk about "if they are busy 'fixing' someone else, they don’t have to look at what needs to be fixed in their own lives." Spot on. And that's really the problem here. It's not about nice guys vs bad boys, it's you have issues and are not mature enough to deal with them.
6. SPERM WARS. Actually, I think I would prefer a future where bad boys weren't so revered. Perhaps, if we as human beings stopped hooking up with bad boys, thereby perpetuating the possibility that more bad boys (it's in the genes, right?) would be born and raised, we could achieve so much more. Perhaps, in the future we'd be better off with more nice guys around.
7. FEAR OF INTIMACY. Sex does not equal intimacy. When I was in the dating world, the scariest thing in the world was reaching out to hold someone's hand. With bad boys, sex equals intimacy and you are missing so much wonderfulness if you settling for sex = intimacy.
8. LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Again, you have issues. Nice guys tend to help raise your self-esteem. Bad boys tear it down. Is it really that difficult to choose? Please seek help if it is.
9. SEX. Um... nice guys only care about one thing in bed. You. And you are complaining about that?
10. HOT. I suggest you watch COPS or America's Most Wanted. Or the Dumbest Criminals Ever.
11. CHARM. Yes, bad boys tell you want you want to hear. Nice guys tell you what you need to hear and in a nice way. Another way to put it is nice guys are honest with you.
12. PROTECTION. I will say this once. When I love you, you are protected. I am not mean or violent but when you are in trouble, I will do whatever is necessary to protect you.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Quote for Life
I ran across this quote on the internet somewhere:
The next time I cull my Facebook friends down, this will be the filter. I have cut people out of my life due to their drama to the point that emails from them go straight to the deleted folder. I keep their numbers in my phone so I know it is them calling and don't pick up. I will not exist walking on eggshells around these people. So, the only thing I can do is ignore them and cut them out.
I am a good friend. I go out of my way to make my friends laugh. I like to see them happy, even if that means going without for myself. I don't mind picking up a tab for them. The company is more important than lunch or a few extra beers on my tab.
But, do not take advantage of my friendship. Do not take take take and not give. Do not come to me expecting the stars and the moon, then get pissy when I can't deliver on your time table.
Unless I promised them to you... If I am your friend, you already know that I will deliver them if I promised them to you and on time to boot.
But there is a point where this stops being a friendship and starts being work. When that point is reached, I really have to question whether or not the friendship is worth the effort. I will give you everything I can without expectations. Okay, one expectation - that you understand that our friendship is not about what you can get out of me. It is about making each other happy in every sense of those words.
When you are down, I will pick you up. When you need a nickel, I'll give you a dime and not expect you to return it. When you want a beer, I'm coming over with a six pack. When you need my assistance, I will make every effort I can to help to the best of my time and ability. I am not at your beck and call, but I will give you all that I absolutely can.
Just understand that I really don't expect the same. I guess that after 36 years of living I have learned to be disappointed by human nature enough to not expect the same from people. So, I don't really expect the same from you. But, please understand I am genuinely hoping you prove me wrong.
And for the record, if you are reading this, there's a 95% chance you are one of the people who make me laugh so hard. Thank you.
There's a 5% chance you just stumbled here, so I challenge you to be one of those who make me laugh.
"There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy."I don't know who came up with it. But I'm stealing it.
The next time I cull my Facebook friends down, this will be the filter. I have cut people out of my life due to their drama to the point that emails from them go straight to the deleted folder. I keep their numbers in my phone so I know it is them calling and don't pick up. I will not exist walking on eggshells around these people. So, the only thing I can do is ignore them and cut them out.
I am a good friend. I go out of my way to make my friends laugh. I like to see them happy, even if that means going without for myself. I don't mind picking up a tab for them. The company is more important than lunch or a few extra beers on my tab.
But, do not take advantage of my friendship. Do not take take take and not give. Do not come to me expecting the stars and the moon, then get pissy when I can't deliver on your time table.
Unless I promised them to you... If I am your friend, you already know that I will deliver them if I promised them to you and on time to boot.
But there is a point where this stops being a friendship and starts being work. When that point is reached, I really have to question whether or not the friendship is worth the effort. I will give you everything I can without expectations. Okay, one expectation - that you understand that our friendship is not about what you can get out of me. It is about making each other happy in every sense of those words.
When you are down, I will pick you up. When you need a nickel, I'll give you a dime and not expect you to return it. When you want a beer, I'm coming over with a six pack. When you need my assistance, I will make every effort I can to help to the best of my time and ability. I am not at your beck and call, but I will give you all that I absolutely can.
Just understand that I really don't expect the same. I guess that after 36 years of living I have learned to be disappointed by human nature enough to not expect the same from people. So, I don't really expect the same from you. But, please understand I am genuinely hoping you prove me wrong.
And for the record, if you are reading this, there's a 95% chance you are one of the people who make me laugh so hard. Thank you.
There's a 5% chance you just stumbled here, so I challenge you to be one of those who make me laugh.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Uncle ML
I don't expect this to be a big long post. But, I think it is safe to say that I really enjoy being an uncle. More so than becoming a new father. To be clear, I love my (step-)son. And I am not expecting to have any more kids and I am A-Okay with that. I've come to grips with and am fine with not fathering a child. Even though, I'm the last one that can carry on the surname, it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. And, that is ok.
I am an uncle.
I am an uncle who doesn't get to see his nephew, nieces and god-children nearly often enough. I'm lucky if I to see them once a year, if that. But, I am blessed to know that they all love me. They told me so at various points over this past week. We went home for a week to visit and saw them all. Cherished memories were made.
I am an uncle.
I am an uncle who doesn't get to see his nephew, nieces and god-children nearly often enough. I'm lucky if I to see them once a year, if that. But, I am blessed to know that they all love me. They told me so at various points over this past week. We went home for a week to visit and saw them all. Cherished memories were made.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
R.I.P. Scooby
Yes, we had to put our Scooby down. It's been about 5 days and I'm still heartbroken over it. Just before Christmas, we noticed he was not acting himself. He wasn't eating and it was difficult to get him to go outside. He just wanted to lay down and not move much. Eventually, he started peeing on the carpet and had diarrhea. I brought him in Monday to the vet to be examined. Through an x-ray, they discovered a mass on his spleen. Blood work also discovered some potential liver and thyroid problems.
Basically, his chances of recovery and survival were nil. At the point of doing surgery, we had a few options. We could pursue surgery to remove his spleen and the mass. From there, due to his size and liver thyroid issues, he could have died on the table. They could have discovered the mass was malignant and we'd have to put him down right there. On the small chance that the surgery was successful and he fully recovered, the vet said that most big dogs in this situation end up back at the vet's to be put down within 3 months. So, really the most humane thing was to opt to not perform surgery and put him down.
Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I'd like to say that I faced that problem head on like a man, but that would make me a liar. In discussing the various options with the vet, I knew we would have to put him down. Must of spent 20 minutes trying to go through the options in tears. Then, another 20 minutes to calm down enough to call my wife and be able to explain the situation. It hurt(s) so much to lose him. As bad off as I was, it was impossible to say with him while they put him to sleep. Hell, I'm still fighting back tears writing this.
He was such a good puppy. I always call him my puppy even though he was a full adult and 130lbs when he adopted him. He was my dander-muffin and the sweetest, most gentile beast. He only snapped at the cats when he thought they might get some extra food and he wouldn't He'd only bark if he had to go outside or it was dinnertime. He'd mostly just lie on the couch or ask for more food.
One of my favorite memories of Scooby was from last year when my folks came to visit for the holidays. My mother has a fur phobia. She is deathly afraid of anything living with fur. Not sure where this came from, but it's been there my whole life. Just coming into our zoo was a major step for her. Then, we'd had to keep Scooby in his cage and the cats in their room if we weren't going to be around during the day and she was home. She would start freaking if one of them came in to the room and looked at her funny. As they were leaving for home, my mother actually bent over and pet Scooby goodbye.
He had that effect on people. Sure, he looked like a bear on first impression and maybe his size made people hesitate to greet him. But, I don't think there is a person who met him that didn't walk away loving him.
And, it's an amazing twist of fate how he came into our lives. Tricia was performing in "Of Mice and Men," and a dog was needed. The theater worked out a deal with the local Humane Society to showcase a dog up for adoption. Basically, the theater got to use a dog and would promote that the pup was available for adoption at the show. There was even a news article in the local paper about the dog in the show that was up for adoption. Only problem was that when the director when to get the dog from the pound, someone read the article and came quick to adopt him. So, another dog was needed and the director choose Scooby three days before opening night.
The dog needed a place to stay during the run and since we have pets I said if someone gave us a cage, he could stay at our place during the run of the show... emphasis on "DURING THE RUN." I had no intention of us keeping him. But, we brought him home the first night and the kid said this was his dog and the rest is history. We haven't regretted at all.
We are supposed to get his ashes in about a week at this point. Not sure what we are going to do with them. I've tried looking up memorial ideas, but it's still too difficult to think about it. I have no idea what to do with his cage and other doggie stuff and I'm not sure when we are going to deal with them. We are not getting any more pets for a long time.
But, we definitely miss our Scooby. In "Of Mice and Men," the dog's owner Candy says, "he was a good old dog" after another character takes the old dog out to be put down. I am convinced due to the circumstances of his arrival in our house that he was meant to be our dog. We are doing our best to remember that we gave him an additional 4 years of life. And he gave us a lifetime of cherished memories.
I don't think I will ever understand why his original owners wanted to give him up. I have to imagine they just could not handle the responsibilities of dog ownership due to whatever was going on in their life when they gave him to the pound. And as much as I hurt right now over our loss, I wonder if they felt a similar loss.
After all, he was a good old dog.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Being Human
Sometimes you need a good cry. I'm not talking about a deep depression, wailing like a banshee, curled up into a fetal position in the corner cry. No, some times you just need a few tears to fall to make you feel human.
And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with admitting a little bit of sadness into our hearts. It reminds us we are human. And, it also reminds us of the good times.
I wouldn't say that I know exactly when I need a good cry. But, if I do, there are a few triggers that are sure to bring a few tears and cleanse my soul. It's good to know these triggers because I don't want to forget that life is ups and downs. Without the downs, you'll never get back up.
The movie, "Stand By Me," was on the telly earlier. I first saw it when I was around the ages of the kids in the movie. And look at them now. The fat kid is a very buff Jerry O'Connell. The weirdo buddy is, well, still the weirdo buddy in a lot of ways. We're talking about Corey Feldman. Wil Wheaton is an internet celebrity and deals quite well with his fame. River Phoenix... is dead.
What strikes me about this movie over 25 years later is how it still gets me. There I was flipping back and forth between that and UFC's Greatest 100 Fights. "You guys want to see a dead body?" "Randy Couture is back!" "Sick balls, Chopper!" "The Iceman Cometh!" "Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? " "The Spider wins again!" "The train had knocked Ray Brower out of his Keds the same way it had knocked the life out of his body."
I decide to leave the movie on until the finish. The boys find the dead body, face off against the older gang, and head back home. We find out Verne got married and has three kids. Teddy is working odd jobs after a stint in jail. Neither really surprising endings.
Gordie & Chris are talking before going home. The poor white trash kid is afraid he'll never get out of Castle Rock. And, joy of joys, we found out he does. Chris ends up going to college and becoming a lawyer. Then, the news comes - and is probably why the Writer writes this story - that Chris. ever the peacekeeper, was trying to break up a fight and was fatally stabbed. River Phoenix fades from the shot.
And there it is. It wasn't expecting it at all. It just happened. A soft, sticky sweet trail of saline falling down my cheek. Again, I am reminded that I am human and smile.
I'm not sure why this moment is one that never fails to get me. Maybe it's because I have long since drifted apart from the kids who were my friends around age 12. Maybe it's the realization that we become very different people from when we are kids and can't remain friends. Maybe it's because I want to go on my own journey to "see a dead body" (figuratively speaking; I really mean a life journey) with the friends I have today. Maybe it's just really sad that Chris Chambers made it and was struck down by chance.
I guess it doesn't really matter why that moment gets me. It's just nice knowing that I am human and there's nothing wrong with that.
And there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with admitting a little bit of sadness into our hearts. It reminds us we are human. And, it also reminds us of the good times.
I wouldn't say that I know exactly when I need a good cry. But, if I do, there are a few triggers that are sure to bring a few tears and cleanse my soul. It's good to know these triggers because I don't want to forget that life is ups and downs. Without the downs, you'll never get back up.
The movie, "Stand By Me," was on the telly earlier. I first saw it when I was around the ages of the kids in the movie. And look at them now. The fat kid is a very buff Jerry O'Connell. The weirdo buddy is, well, still the weirdo buddy in a lot of ways. We're talking about Corey Feldman. Wil Wheaton is an internet celebrity and deals quite well with his fame. River Phoenix... is dead.
What strikes me about this movie over 25 years later is how it still gets me. There I was flipping back and forth between that and UFC's Greatest 100 Fights. "You guys want to see a dead body?" "Randy Couture is back!" "Sick balls, Chopper!" "The Iceman Cometh!" "Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? " "The Spider wins again!" "The train had knocked Ray Brower out of his Keds the same way it had knocked the life out of his body."
I decide to leave the movie on until the finish. The boys find the dead body, face off against the older gang, and head back home. We find out Verne got married and has three kids. Teddy is working odd jobs after a stint in jail. Neither really surprising endings.
Gordie & Chris are talking before going home. The poor white trash kid is afraid he'll never get out of Castle Rock. And, joy of joys, we found out he does. Chris ends up going to college and becoming a lawyer. Then, the news comes - and is probably why the Writer writes this story - that Chris. ever the peacekeeper, was trying to break up a fight and was fatally stabbed. River Phoenix fades from the shot.
And there it is. It wasn't expecting it at all. It just happened. A soft, sticky sweet trail of saline falling down my cheek. Again, I am reminded that I am human and smile.
I'm not sure why this moment is one that never fails to get me. Maybe it's because I have long since drifted apart from the kids who were my friends around age 12. Maybe it's the realization that we become very different people from when we are kids and can't remain friends. Maybe it's because I want to go on my own journey to "see a dead body" (figuratively speaking; I really mean a life journey) with the friends I have today. Maybe it's just really sad that Chris Chambers made it and was struck down by chance.
I guess it doesn't really matter why that moment gets me. It's just nice knowing that I am human and there's nothing wrong with that.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Top 15 Influences
There's a meme going around Facebook called "Book Snob." It asks you to list the Top 15 Authors (poets included) who influenced you and will always be with you. Well, I thought about it, and if I'm honest with myself, there's not 15 authors that have influenced me into becoming the person I am today. I'm not a big reader, folks... So, let's get a little more creative with the word "authors." So, for this, I will define "authors" as someone who has written something, as opposed to just a book or poem.
1. Bill Watterson - (Calvin & Hobbes): There is no doubt that Bill Watterson's iconic comic strip had a big impact on me. Heck, in a lot of ways, I will walk around with my imaginary friend. And, I'm not ashamed to admit that. I gotta have someone who really gets me, right?
2. John - (The Gospel According to John): John wrote the book of the Gospel that I most identify with, that I read the most often and this book is responsible for bringing me to Christ.
3. Donald Miller - (Blue Like Jazz & others): Mr. Miller writes about Christianity and approaches the subject with non-religious thoughts. He writes about the kind of Christian I try to or at least want to be.
4. Stephen Page - (songwriter; formally of Barenaked Ladies): I always preferred the Stephen songs to the Ed songs. His songwriting seems to me therapy for himself and his manic depression. He is a genius songwriter, certainly flawed (that seems to be how it works, eh?) that has definitely influenced my own songwriting and lyrics.
5. Ryan Adams - (songwriter): A brilliantly talented songwriter whose music makes me think there is no need for me to write songs because he already wrote them and 1000x better. He is another flawed musical genius that has helped me to realize how to write eloquently and honestly about my emotions.
6. Liz Phair - (songwriter): If you know me, I guess it's no surprise to see Liz on this list, after all I all but worship her. It is the intimacy of her songs that have influenced my life and my songwriting. If only I could speak/write with half the intimacy & honesty as she does in her music.
7. Lord Byron - (poet; "She Walks in Beauty"): Honestly, "She Walks in Beauty" is the only poem by Lord Byron I can remember. It's just so descriptive in how he tells of the beauty of the woman he loves. In a lot of ways, I think this poem influenced my thinking about relationships and how intimate they should/can be.
8. Harry Anderson - (Con-artist; Night Court Actor): I pretty much watched his stand-up/magic routine "Hello Sucker," special near endlessly when I was a kid (if you can match quotes with me from this special, I will love you forever). He taught me I should always have a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face. He also taught me that if a man walks up with an unopened deck of cards and bets me that the Queen of Hearts will jump out of that deck and squirt cider in my ear that I should not take that bet because as soon as I do, I will end up with an earful of cider.
9. Congressman John Linder & Neil Boortz - (The FairTax Book): This book opened my eyes to taxes. This country needs the FairTax if we are to remain a SuperPower and we need it now to get the economy back on track.
10. Douglas Adams & Terry Pratchitt - (Various Sci-Fi Fantasy Novels): Love the humor and satire these two authors write. I include them both as one because I've only read the Hitchhiker's Guide series twice and it's been several years since I sat down with a Discworld novel.
11. Sylvia Plath - (poet): I'm learning more about the woman and the feelings behind her poems and journal. While she suffered from major depression and ultimately killed herself, I think she write beautifully and quite intimately. She was really in touch with her emotions and I strive to be like that... without the suicide...
12. Molly Bang - (author, "The Grey Lady and Strawberry Snatcher"): Her book had no words. It was all illustrations. Beautiful pictures telling the story. I remember "reading" this book countless times as a child. And probably owe a major chunk of my imagination to this book that taught me the power of pictures to tell the story. I would "read" it and the "words" and "dialogue" in the story would be slightly different every time.
13. Dr. Seuss - If I have to explain this... well, the point, you miss.
14. Stephen Soundheim - (Composer): His musicals are wonderfully written. But, this is more for two of his shows: Children of Eden and Into The Woods. These two shows hold a special place in my heart because of what they taught me about being a parent.
15. My dad: I don't think he wrote anything, but I would not be who I am today without my father. He is still teaching me to this day and is one of the biggest influences in my life. He is the person I most try to be like.
1. Bill Watterson - (Calvin & Hobbes): There is no doubt that Bill Watterson's iconic comic strip had a big impact on me. Heck, in a lot of ways, I will walk around with my imaginary friend. And, I'm not ashamed to admit that. I gotta have someone who really gets me, right?
2. John - (The Gospel According to John): John wrote the book of the Gospel that I most identify with, that I read the most often and this book is responsible for bringing me to Christ.
3. Donald Miller - (Blue Like Jazz & others): Mr. Miller writes about Christianity and approaches the subject with non-religious thoughts. He writes about the kind of Christian I try to or at least want to be.
4. Stephen Page - (songwriter; formally of Barenaked Ladies): I always preferred the Stephen songs to the Ed songs. His songwriting seems to me therapy for himself and his manic depression. He is a genius songwriter, certainly flawed (that seems to be how it works, eh?) that has definitely influenced my own songwriting and lyrics.
5. Ryan Adams - (songwriter): A brilliantly talented songwriter whose music makes me think there is no need for me to write songs because he already wrote them and 1000x better. He is another flawed musical genius that has helped me to realize how to write eloquently and honestly about my emotions.
6. Liz Phair - (songwriter): If you know me, I guess it's no surprise to see Liz on this list, after all I all but worship her. It is the intimacy of her songs that have influenced my life and my songwriting. If only I could speak/write with half the intimacy & honesty as she does in her music.
7. Lord Byron - (poet; "She Walks in Beauty"): Honestly, "She Walks in Beauty" is the only poem by Lord Byron I can remember. It's just so descriptive in how he tells of the beauty of the woman he loves. In a lot of ways, I think this poem influenced my thinking about relationships and how intimate they should/can be.
8. Harry Anderson - (Con-artist; Night Court Actor): I pretty much watched his stand-up/magic routine "Hello Sucker," special near endlessly when I was a kid (if you can match quotes with me from this special, I will love you forever). He taught me I should always have a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face. He also taught me that if a man walks up with an unopened deck of cards and bets me that the Queen of Hearts will jump out of that deck and squirt cider in my ear that I should not take that bet because as soon as I do, I will end up with an earful of cider.
9. Congressman John Linder & Neil Boortz - (The FairTax Book): This book opened my eyes to taxes. This country needs the FairTax if we are to remain a SuperPower and we need it now to get the economy back on track.
10. Douglas Adams & Terry Pratchitt - (Various Sci-Fi Fantasy Novels): Love the humor and satire these two authors write. I include them both as one because I've only read the Hitchhiker's Guide series twice and it's been several years since I sat down with a Discworld novel.
11. Sylvia Plath - (poet): I'm learning more about the woman and the feelings behind her poems and journal. While she suffered from major depression and ultimately killed herself, I think she write beautifully and quite intimately. She was really in touch with her emotions and I strive to be like that... without the suicide...
12. Molly Bang - (author, "The Grey Lady and Strawberry Snatcher"): Her book had no words. It was all illustrations. Beautiful pictures telling the story. I remember "reading" this book countless times as a child. And probably owe a major chunk of my imagination to this book that taught me the power of pictures to tell the story. I would "read" it and the "words" and "dialogue" in the story would be slightly different every time.
13. Dr. Seuss - If I have to explain this... well, the point, you miss.
14. Stephen Soundheim - (Composer): His musicals are wonderfully written. But, this is more for two of his shows: Children of Eden and Into The Woods. These two shows hold a special place in my heart because of what they taught me about being a parent.
15. My dad: I don't think he wrote anything, but I would not be who I am today without my father. He is still teaching me to this day and is one of the biggest influences in my life. He is the person I most try to be like.
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Another definition
Let's do another definition. I stumbled across this quote that is attributed to Bob Marley:
For my two cents, that's pretty much what intimacy in a relationship is all about. You cannot enjoy the love within a relationship without opening yourself up and being vulnerable to the possible pain. Totally worth it though.
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
For my two cents, that's pretty much what intimacy in a relationship is all about. You cannot enjoy the love within a relationship without opening yourself up and being vulnerable to the possible pain. Totally worth it though.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Love is a word
(aka: Random Thoughts on Love)
Check out all the definitions for the word, "love:"
(as defined at Dictionary.com)
No wonder relationships are complicated.
I remember when I was young, oh, junior high & high school aged. I remember when I got a crush on some girl and told a friend I was crushing. Every time I told the friend, before long, the crush found out and I swear each and every time they never spoke to me again. Man, teenagers are cruel. Anyway, now that I look back on my junior & high school days, I think these major tragedies affected who I am today. I say major tragedies because at the time I was devastated. I was also young, naive and, geez I just wanted a girlfriend so bad.
Ha! In thinking back on those misadventures, I remember telling a few girls that I loved them. Not that we were dating or anything, just friends. Though, more than I few times, I certainly wished our relationship was more than just friends. Funny how they never seemed to realize that... or maybe they ignored that part of it. I don't know. But, maybe the end result was that I built walls around my heart.
Or maybe I just believed that love happens the way it does in the movies. Hopeless romantic...
Now, I am pretty sure about love and how it happens. I do believe in love at first sight. But that is not necessarily everlasting love. No, everlasting love is something you choose. Love is a decision and you choose to stay in it or choose to fall out of it. It's work.
What was my original point? Oh yes, walls around my heart... I think how this effected me is perhaps I don't tell the people I love - no matter how that love manifests - that I do love them. Sure, I tell my wife I love her at the end of phone calls, or as we say good night. But, that's not the same thing as letting a person know you love them, is it?
I hope my actions speak for me, but maybe that's not enough. While working on this show ("Dead Man's Cell Phone" by Sarah Ruhl), the subject matter is starting to make me think that I need to embrace the love I have for the people in my life and let them know that I do love them.
Maybe it's the fear of rejection why I don't. Stupid as it sounds, I've been married for nearly 10 years and I'm still a little afraid to say "I love you" at a meaningful time. My friends are my friends because I love them, but how weird would it be for me to tell them that? What's the harm? Is it completely inappropriate to tell your friends that you love them?
The conclusion I am coming to is that it shouldn't be. Somehow, society has twisted the word "love" to mean the affection couples share for each other. For some reason, "love" is exclusive to couples. Why is that?
I was re-reading Don Miller's "Blue Like Jazz," and he states (correctly) that we are called to love everyone like Jesus did. Not to make this a Jesus-moment, but really what is wrong with that sentiment?
Those bricks in my wall are slowly coming down. Brick by brick, friend by friend, love by love, the wall is crumbling and there's nothing wrong with that. Love is more than a word. It's how I feel.
Check out all the definitions for the word, "love:"
(as defined at Dictionary.com)
-noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of god for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
–verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with.
–verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love.
—Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.
—Idioms
23. for love,a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers. b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.
No wonder relationships are complicated.
I remember when I was young, oh, junior high & high school aged. I remember when I got a crush on some girl and told a friend I was crushing. Every time I told the friend, before long, the crush found out and I swear each and every time they never spoke to me again. Man, teenagers are cruel. Anyway, now that I look back on my junior & high school days, I think these major tragedies affected who I am today. I say major tragedies because at the time I was devastated. I was also young, naive and, geez I just wanted a girlfriend so bad.
Ha! In thinking back on those misadventures, I remember telling a few girls that I loved them. Not that we were dating or anything, just friends. Though, more than I few times, I certainly wished our relationship was more than just friends. Funny how they never seemed to realize that... or maybe they ignored that part of it. I don't know. But, maybe the end result was that I built walls around my heart.
Or maybe I just believed that love happens the way it does in the movies. Hopeless romantic...
Now, I am pretty sure about love and how it happens. I do believe in love at first sight. But that is not necessarily everlasting love. No, everlasting love is something you choose. Love is a decision and you choose to stay in it or choose to fall out of it. It's work.
What was my original point? Oh yes, walls around my heart... I think how this effected me is perhaps I don't tell the people I love - no matter how that love manifests - that I do love them. Sure, I tell my wife I love her at the end of phone calls, or as we say good night. But, that's not the same thing as letting a person know you love them, is it?
I hope my actions speak for me, but maybe that's not enough. While working on this show ("Dead Man's Cell Phone" by Sarah Ruhl), the subject matter is starting to make me think that I need to embrace the love I have for the people in my life and let them know that I do love them.
Maybe it's the fear of rejection why I don't. Stupid as it sounds, I've been married for nearly 10 years and I'm still a little afraid to say "I love you" at a meaningful time. My friends are my friends because I love them, but how weird would it be for me to tell them that? What's the harm? Is it completely inappropriate to tell your friends that you love them?
The conclusion I am coming to is that it shouldn't be. Somehow, society has twisted the word "love" to mean the affection couples share for each other. For some reason, "love" is exclusive to couples. Why is that?
I was re-reading Don Miller's "Blue Like Jazz," and he states (correctly) that we are called to love everyone like Jesus did. Not to make this a Jesus-moment, but really what is wrong with that sentiment?
Those bricks in my wall are slowly coming down. Brick by brick, friend by friend, love by love, the wall is crumbling and there's nothing wrong with that. Love is more than a word. It's how I feel.
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