New Year, New Plan

New Year means it's time for a new plan for ML.  The plan is to get the house in order.  The plan is to sell or donate the crap I don't need and have accumulated.  The plan is to do Couch to 5K when the weather is warm enough.  The plan is to keep the house in order.  And, the plan includes reminding myself of the path I am walking... or more accurately, the continue walking the path.

I started a new Bible reading plan last night - Finding Your Footsteps on the Moon.  It's a 21 day reading plan aimed at helping you live a divinely inspired life. It is designed to inspire and motivate you in finding and walking in your God given purpose for you life.  In truth, I think I may have lost some of my purpose in the past year.  Or at least, I am struggling with finding what's the next chapter of life for me.  Seems like a good time to figure that out for many reasons.

So, I started the reading plan and here's what I gathered from Psalms 139:13-18. The last line is "-when I awake, I am still with you."  This stood out to me due to the double meaning "still" can have here.  Still, as in calm, quiet, peaceful.  Or Still, as in not moving away from.  This is reassuring for a few reasons.

One, no matter where our paths lead us, God will always have our back.  It is comforting to know that while I do stray from living with God every single day, He is always willing to bring me back to Him.  His love and grace are never-ending.  So, when I "awake" from whatever has pulled me from the Christian path, I am "still" able to get up and continue the journey.

Then, consider how calming God's influence can be in our lives.  Through all the things that disturb our sleep, the things that keep us up at night, the little things that stress us out... when I awake from all of that, living a divinely inspired life helps to make those turbulent waters still.  The difficulties are made easier knowing that God is on my side and that He will never desert me.  God helps to keep me laidback.

As this New Year begins, I recognize that I will be facing quite a few difficulties.  But, I am still with God.  And that makes all the difference.

Prayer in a Status Update World

By now, I'm sure you've heard about the tragedy at the Indiana State Fair.  The quick recap - a nasty gust of wind hit an outdoor concert and the stage rigging fell on the audience.  As of now, 5 people died and 45+ people were treated for various injuries.  It certainly is a tragic occurrence and I want to make sure you, kind reader, know that I am saddened by these events and my thoughts are with the families and friends of these affected by the stage collapsing.

That said, this post is NOT about the stage collapsing.  This post is not meant to speak ill of anyone.  These events are simply the catalyst for something I noticed as these events unfolded across twitter and facebook.  I didn't notice it before, but now that I think about it, it certainly has become prevalent.

I refer to people posting status updates or tweeting something along the lines of "I am praying for the victims of this horrible event."  Watching post and tweet upon post and tweet about the stage collapsing, I noticed a lot of people said they were praying.  Which in this day and age, I guess I shouldn't come close to complaining about.  That's a good thing that people are legitimately praying for others safety and well-being.

 Still, I look back on the words in Matthew 6:5-6:

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.  But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

So, with that in mind, I'd like to take a look at how these verses apply in a Facebook/Twitter world. Or even if they do.

As I write this, I'm worried I may offend with my thoughts.  Honestly, I'm not sure what I think or believe about this right now.  I'm probably writing this down to get my thoughts out and eventually come to a conclusion.

So the crux of the situation is when we announce on Facebook, "I'm praying for the victims of..."  aren't we being the "hypocrites" Christ was talking about?  I'm sure the intention is sincere in offering our prayers.  But, aren't we still sincere in our prayers without announcing via tweet?  Are we doing it so publicly so other will see it and think we're a good person?

I don't think the prayer is any less sincere by any means.  Still, why do we feel the need to announce it?  Perhaps I'm being too cold to the victims of what ever tragedy we are praying for.  It probably helps to know that people are praying for them.  So, maybe I'm being too shallow.

Then again, for example, I don't know anyone who was at the State Fair when the rigging collapsed.  So, if I were to tweet my prayers and condolences how do I know the victims would see it?  So, I come back to the thought that we post our prayers so others will see how much of a good, caring person we are.  And I hate that is where I am at with this because that leads to the thought that we're only praying so others will see that we are good, caring people.

Ok, how about this?  Perhaps for all the people tweeting their prayers, there's others who aren't.  Perhaps, there is a larger, silent group of people who mourn and pray for those affected by tragic circumstances.  I'd like to believe that notion.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to see a large swatch of my friends show their humanity.  I am a lucky person to have such wonderful, caring people in my life.  And, now, here's the revelation - I just hope they aren't looking my status updates asking "why doesn't he pray for these victims?"  "He's not a good person because he hasn't shown that he cares about these people."  Ok, people likely don't even notice.  Which is fine because God does.

And that's my point.

Do you think that Heaven has WiFi?

UPDATE:
One point I don't think I really make above is that prayer status updates is really just a form of slacktivism.  Here's a definition:  "the act of participating in obviously pointless activities as an expedient alternative to actually expending effort to fix a problem."  And, that's my problem with prayer status updates.  It makes the poster feel all good to publicly support a cause, but does absolutely nothing to actually support that cause.

Daily Blessings:

• I was on the right side of a discussion at work today and by right side I mean the same opinion as the GM.  Ok, I was also on the right side of how to handle the situation...
• I've decided to choose to not to have a cigarette.  It's been nearly 2 weeks.  I don't say I quit though because that sets up for disappointment when I inevitablely give in.  But deciding to choose not to smoke is more empowering, and I'm more likely to continue to choose not to light up.
• My wife for the last month or so of Mondays has let me watch WWE Raw without complaining, even sitting in the same room with me as I watch.

A Letter for Whoever is Supposed to Read It

Hello,

I'm not sure who this letter is meant for. I might be you; it might not. But, if you bear with me, perhaps you will find it worth your while.

I had an amazing conversation with a good friend last night. We talked about God's Plan and happiness and how some times the two don't seem to meet. At least, it sure can feel that way, don't you think? You've felt that before right?

Anyway, we were talking how that maybe there's some people who experience God's love as happiness - pure joy - and that's all they ever really see. They are rewarded for following God's laws and follow the Bible's teaching. Maybe they donate to charity or volunteer at a homeless shelter or something. And, that is good. The world needs these people.

But, then maybe there's people like us; people who experience God's love through pain. That pain could be physical. It could be mental. Maybe the pain is just loneliness. But, they (we) experience the depression and lows of life and express that pain through whatever their "art" may be. I don't just mean painting and sculptures when I say "art" either. I mean creative expression. For me, that's writing and theater. Different for everyone... But, these people are important, too, for they show us that despite the pain, God loves us.

It's not that God chooses for us to live in pain or doesn't want us to be happy. Instead, he lets us experience these things, these evils, so we can recognize them for what they are and use that experience and sight for His good. The world needs these people, too.

I guess what I am driving at is if you made it here, there's probably a reason beyond knowing me in real life. Something brought you here. I don't know what that reason is and maybe you don't either.

If there's a point for you to take away from this letter, it is this: I know you are in pain. I know that you are feeling lonely. I know that you maybe aren't feeling loved. I have seen this myself and have experienced, too.

But, believe me, you are not alone and you are loved. You will never be alone and you will never go unloved. Jesus does indeed love you and will help you carry your load.

Just reach out and ask. And if you need help, my email is just sitting out there on the right. Or leave a comment.

Love,

ML

Question for God and Prayer

Despite my knowing You never give me more than You know I can handle, I swear it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You sometimes ask too much of me and my fragile, frail shoulders. And I wish You'd stop that.

I've been the "good guy" all my life and sometimes I think all the respect garnered for doing the right thing isn't nearly as good as the happiness that I think I deserve more.

Please stop making me choose respect over happiness. Can't I have both? Can't Your plan for me include my own happiness?

Make me stronger. Thank you.

PS: Even your son had his doubts.
PPS: I want my Sylvia fucking Plath.

Simple Explanation of Faith

This might be the most simplest explanation of Faith in God I have run across. Don't know where it originated, but the place I found it (the comment's section of Fark of all places), said they were paraphrasing...

A poor man comes out onto the porch every day and says, "Dear God, please save my family from hunger. All of my money goes to paying for this house." Every day, his atheist neighbor yells over, "You're a fool! There is no God!"

One day, as the man comes out to pray, he sees several bags of groceries lying there. He says, "Thank you God for providing for my family. I knew you'd hear my prayers." At that point, the atheist neighbor jumps out and says, "Ha! I bought those groceries! There is no God!"

The poor man then says, "Dear God, thank you for not only providing for my family, but getting the atheist to pay for it!"

Moral of the story: Perception is reality

I think that pretty much sums it up...

Reflections on 2008

2008 started off to be a very promising year. In January, work looked up as I in line for a temporary promotion. The company was investing in a technology that would nearly automate the daily tag & bag process every TV station in the country goes through. I was brought in at the beginning stages to be the “Manager” of a new department that would be housed locally. It was to come with a higher salary. Basically, I was going to do all the leg work in setting up the process and procedures. Then, once the system was ready to go, part-time or entry level positions would maintain it. From there, I would go back to working my normal job at the new salary. Sadly, before the system was even ready for me to start working, engineering figured it was nearly impossible to implement due to the amount of RAM and processing power needed to run the entire (and I’m talking 30 or so stations networked across the country) system. So, by March or April that completely fell through.

Oh, and the company declared bankruptcy recently. Actually, I’m not too worried about that, layoff-wise. We are a hub for the entire company. And, we turn a decent profit. Plus, most of the debts are on the print side of things, and it’s most likely layoffs will come from that sector. Also, I’m probably one of the least expendable people in my department. But, really who knows? All I know is I’m not worried about it.

Theatre-wise, I did as much as I intended to do this year, which was pretty much nothing ‘cuz I needed a break. Well, nothing ON-stage. I worked on a few shows backstage for the money. And enjoyed every minute of it. Enjoyed it enough to put a little seed in the back of my head for a career change when I don’t have to have a stead income (ie: No kids; no responsibilities).

In fact, I realized that theatre was missing from my life, and in 2009, it will be theatre filled. First, I recently joined the board of directors for my local community theatre. That’s been quite interesting so far (and that’s quite the understatement). Now, I’ll be producing “Guilty Conscience” for CCP starting right at the beginning of the year. The show runs at the end of February and goes into March, but a lot of my work on it will be in January and February. Then, after that, I said I would work crew on “Ms. Saigon,” at Footlite Musicals for Noffke. That will take me into May. By then, we’ll be diving head first into “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” We’ve been working on that since March 2008 and it will be wonderful to actually cast the show and start rehearsals. After that, who knows. Hopefully, I’ll be able to work on “Frog and Toad” again in 2009. It’s just so much fun, and money to boot.

Then, the biggest news from 2008 – Tricia’s back surgery. It’s hard to believe that it’s taken up the last six months of our life. The bad pain started with an ER visit. Then a few Spine Dr. visits later, we knew she would need the surgery. That was in early September, and she’s hasn’t worked since Labor Day. That put a big strain on us financially. But, the good news is that we are at least floating and not dead in the water. In fact, she got the A-OK to return to work on January 5th. I hope that’s not too early nor too strenuous for her back, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t need her paycheck. Thankfully, most of the surgery bills were covered by insurance, but we will be paying our chunk of the bill for the next year. She’s healing quite well, by the way. Most of her back pain is gone. And, she’s thrilled to be able to get out of the house and back to work. She doesn’t deal well with sitting at home with nothing to do.

A bright spot has been the evolution of my relationship with my son. The teenage years have been very frustrating. But, I think I learned the key to it all – Understanding his language and communicating correctly. I don’t mean talking all, “OMG BBQ BFF Jill,” like the kids do these days. I mean hearing what he’s saying, not just the words, but the meaning. For example, when I say, “What are you up to?” what he hears is, “What kind of trouble are you getting into now?” So, his reply is, “Nothing” because he isn’t doing anything to get into trouble. But, that’s not what I’m asking and I can plainly see that he’s doing “Something.” After all, doing mundane things is still something. So, I would get frustrated because we were speaking different languages. Now, I think we have a better understanding of where we’re both coming from and the yelling has decreased significantly. Of course, there is the occasional, “I need you to clean this to my standards not yours,” argument. Followed by the, “It might not be yours to pick up but, either A) you took it out and therefore need to place it where it belongs, or B) I’m trying to get this other thing done and we need your help in other areas (it’s called contributing to help the family, now get off the couch!),” argument. But, yesterday, he gave me a hug for my birthday and, you know, that’s all I ever really wanted.

Changing the subject drastically, you know, I just haven’t been able to connect with God much this year. It’s not like I’m losing faith. No, I just haven’t had time to talk with Him like I should, or reflect on how He’s blessed me in the past year. I do believe He’s been taking care of us. But, I have trouble noticing those “small miracles” in life. I do need put more focus on God in the new year.

I guess that’s one of the things I’ve been struggling with: Do we ever reach a point where we don’t have to run as hard to keep up with God? Where our day-to-day actions with and for God come more naturally… I’m getting tired of going to bed thinking, “Crap, I didn’t get a chance to read the Bible or really sit down with God for a spell.” I don’t know…

Anyway, here’s hoping for an outstanding 2009! It’s gotta be better than 2008. I mean, the bar is pretty low…

Also, I know I'm not blogging much anymore. I don't have much interest in this anymore. I'm not saying I'm closing the shop, but just don't expect it to be open all the time. When the passion strikes me, I'll tap the keys. But, I posted 20 times (including this post) this year. 20% of that were updates on Tricia's back that were emailed to people anyway. I don't know when the next post will be or if there will be a next post. If there's a way to easily archive all of this, I might end up taking it down. I really don't know. I'm typing whatever comes out of my fingers right now, so I might just be talking... Stay tuned... Or don't... Or do...

In the meantime, here's a picture of Nikita sleeping under the Christmas tree:

Neighborly Love

I feel violated.

And, it's partly my fault.

When I got home today and checked the mail, there was a note in the mailbox. It was printed out on white paper. It was folded up in half and then in half again. It opened, "From the ********** Neighborhood Association:" (I'm leaving the neighborhood out). Right there, I got a little nervous.

The note went on to say, and I'm paraphrasing, that my lawn was disgusting and that I needed to take care of it. That my lawn was driving down the property values. That if I didn't want to take care of my lawn, I should move.

Yes, I have a dandelion problem. Part of my front lawn is more dandelion than grass. Weeds happen. And, it's true, the dandelions were tall and plenty. It's nice to know that someone is paying attention to us.

Though, I guess they didn't notice the grass was cut last weekend. I guess they didn't notice the rain on Friday and Sunday. I guess they didn't notice me spraying dandelion weed killer on Saturday. I guess they didn't notice my son cutting the grass on Saturday and running out of gas while my wife and I were away. I guess they didn't notice my wife has not been home for nearly a month. She's been waking up to go to work until 5pm then heading to the high school to work on costumes until Midnight. In the last week, she was there until 4am. But, I guess they didn't notice that.

I guess they are so absorbed with my lawn that they neglected to notice all that. Not to mention the other lawns in the neighborhood that have dandelion problems. I guess they didn't notice that because of my wife's hard work, that I've basically been a single dad for a month. I imagine they didn't notice their dogs crossing the street and pooping in my yard (that's not to say the people across the street left the note; their dogs crossing the invisible fence and the street to poop on my lawn is something I notice). I guess they don't notice that when *I* walk our dog, I carry a baggy with me and pick up after him - ON MY OWN LAWN! Nevermind that the neighborhood dog's seem to think my lawn is the place to poop on.

Friends, I feel violated.

For what it's worth, the lawn is completely cut now. We've had time to finish it (since it's not raining).

Well, the note still bothered me. I brought it to my neighbor since he's on the Homeowner Association Board. He is the neighbor who cuts his grass every other day. Yeah. Every other day. Believe it or not, I do respect that. It's not what I want to be, but it works for him.

I showed him the note and he agreed that it's not from the Homeowners. It's not on any kind of letterhead or even signed by anyone. It would be one thing to get an "official" letter from the Homeowner's Association. That would be embarrassing. But, it's very obviously not. It's very obviously someone in the neighborhood. And, that's what is especially bothersome.

This, however, is not embarrassing. It's creepy. And the worst part of it is that whoever left us that note now thinks we can be intimidated. After all, the grass was cut the same day. Worse yet, now that my wife is done with the show, we have time to weed the strawberry garden by the door. And, I have had plans to buy a weed-whacker with our economic stimulus money. I had already bought a hedge trimmer with some Christmas money. The fact of the matter is we have been on the verge of yard work beyond just mowing. Just needed the time.

But, now that we have time, this neighbor is going to think it's all because they left me a note. And, that's the saddest part of all. That's the part that makes me want to let my lawn turn to complete shit.

But, I won't.

If there's a lesson to be learned from this, perhaps it's the Parable of the Good Samaritan. Luke 10:25-37 In this passage, Jesus asked what must we do to inherit eternal life? He responds basically, "Love God with your all," and "Love your neighbor as yourself." I'm not making the obvious point. The next words to Jesus are, "But, who is my neighbor?" and Jesus responds with the Parable of the Good Samaritan. In the end, the neighbor is the person who had mercy on a man who was robbed. But, it's the last 4 words that have the most meaning,: "Go and do likewise."

I read that passage and I realize I haven't been a good neighbor. I'm not referring to my lawn aesthetics. I mean, we've been here for two years and we don't really know anyone. We've had a few conversations with the lawn guy, mostly about our dogs. We don't see our other neighbor much. We like her though. She's an artist and from Russia. But, that's about the gist of it. I couldn't tell you the names of the people in the cul-de-sac across the street.

And there is probably the root of all problem. Whoever left us this note doesn't know us. Granted, no one has made a real effort either way. Still, I can't help but feel that we could have done more and could do more to be... neighbors... and learn to care for the people here.

UPDATE (5/14/08): We found out yesterday that we weren't the only house hit. Our Russian neighor came over and told us she had gotten the same letter. The worst part for them is her son got the mail that day. He gave the note to his mom and said, "I think we have hate mail." Poor kid. The President of the Homeowner's Association also called to assure us that the note was not from them and there were several houses that got the same note. It's at least nice to know we weren't the only target. But, that several homes got this note means there's the neighborhood has worse problems than our lawns.

Letters

I started reading the book of Philippians the other day. I’ve only gotten into the first chapter, so I can’t really comment on the material yet. But, that first chapter did stir a thought inside of me.

First, you have to realize that Philippians is a letter Paul sent to the congregation at one of his favorite church plants. He wrote the letter while under arrest in Rome for being Christian. The Philippian Church raised money for his defense. He was writing to thank them for their support and to encourage them to remain strong in their faith.

That’s all well and good, but the thought I had focused on the letter aspect of this book. In fact, several books of the Bible are letters written by Paul and other apostles to the faithful at various churches. What do I mean by “the letter aspect?” I simply mean to point out the language used in the introductional chapters.

When (considering today’s email society, it’s more IF than when) we write a letter, it usually goes something like this:

Dear Soandso,

How are you? I am fine. This is what has been going on in my life. Someone you know says to tell you hi. Hope this finds you well.

Sincerely,

Me.

OK, that’s a very generic letter. But, to be honest, it has been so long since I wrote an actual letter to someone, and even longer since I received one, I can’t imagine there’s much more to them these days. Sure, there’s the family year-in-review letters that are jam-packed with tons of info about a family. And, it’s nice to get them and know what’s going on. But, what does it say about us – both the person and society – that we don’t write personal letters anymore? I mean email is great for its instant transmission. But, if you write the exact same thing on a piece of paper and mail it out, somehow it means more.

So, looking back at Paul’s letter to the Philippians, and reading how it starts off… Well, can you imagine how you’d feel getting a letter in the mail that starts off in such a manner:

2Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. 3I thank my God every time I remember you. 4In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

7It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

9And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, 11filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

What would your reaction be if you got a letter in the mail that started half as elegantly? (Click on the comments to answer for yourself)

This was my thought. Imagine the joy we could bring to the world if we just send one letter a month to someone we know. First, who doesn't like getting a letter in the mail. Second, sending a letter means you took time out of your schedule in order to relate to another human being. Furthermore, that human being knows it. That right there speaks volumes to someone. Now, what if that person was suffering? How much could that letter mean to them? The power of feeling cared about and loved goes a long, long way.

I do not want to sit here and promise to start mailing people one a month. I know that I am human and something will happen that will prevent me from doing it (whether it be some tragedy or my own procrastination, or something else). But, I truly do hope that I can get into the habit. Let me restate that another way... I hope that I can prove to myself that I am not so shallow as not to care.

2 months and what?

Wow. So, I pretty much haven't blogged in about 2 months. A lot of that is time, rather lack there of. A huge chunk of that is waning interest. If I were more interested, I'd probably make more time to do this. Alas. I've been thinking about closing shop. But who the heck knows what I'll end up doing... I'm posting this, ain't I?

Yeah, we ended up adopting the dog. His name is now Rufus, though he responds to Scooby. He's a great dog and we love him. My parents are in town right now and mom has a pet/fur phobia. But, he's doing a good job of not freaking her out too much. I think his previous owners fed him a lot of human food, or at least allowed him to eat table scraps. That's likely why he's overweight. Plus, we cannot walk into the kitchen for any reason without him trying to follow us. It's difficult to eat dinner with a snout sniffing your plate, too. So, we're hoping to change that behavior. It's slow-going. We do allow him to eat cottage cheese with his regular food. It's supposed to help with the dander and shine on his coat. It's funny because he'll jump like a bunny rabbit when he sees he's getting cottage cheese.

I don't have a lot to report. I'm in "Assassins" and that closes this weekend. After which, I'll be taking a long, much needed break from theatre. Don't know how long, but I need time with my family, I need to make more time for God. This hasn't been the best year for keeping my connection with God. I don't mean I'm losing faith. I'm just not talking to him like I used to, which I believe is a direct result of not making time for God.

Speaking of God, I've moved on to a new church. Maybe that's part of my disconnect from God. Not the new church, but the feelings and reasons for leaving the old church. In truth, I just haven't felt connected to any of the people at The Crux. I haven't been there since September. And a few events have solidified for me that I made the right decision in moving on to a new place. For instance, not a single person from the Crux has tried to contact me to see what I've been up to or anything. A smallish church - under 300 people in the congregation - that I was an active participant of (small groups and service teams) and not one email or phone call... other than mass emails like prayer requests, etc. I've run into someone who was in my small group twice. During that second run-in, he told me that he was talking to the small group leader the other day and that we ran into each other. The small group leader apparently couldn't recall what I looked like... Now, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was teasing me because I haven't been to that church in a while. Like, since my face hasn't been around in a while, it was fading from their memory and that I should go back so they remember me... I'd give him that he was making a joke... It still left a bad taste in my mouth...

So, I'm at a mega church... which probably goes against everything I thought I was looking for in a small church. You see, I liked the small intimateness of knowing everybody, at least in name, at the Crux. This church I'm at now has near around 5,000 members and 4 services. I haven't really had a chance to meet people and socialize there yet. In the coming weeks, there is a "Meet and Greet" for new members that I'm hoping to attend with my wife. And then after that, we'll see. I have completely enjoyed the services and the message so far.

Tangent... Sometimes, I wonder if I'm an asshole or just really shy and quirky. I'm not going to explain that right now, but I'll probably address that at some point... Huh... Guess I'm not giving the bloggin' thing up yet.

That Christ Guy

So, I'm thinking of maybe getting this as a tattoo... maybe...



Yeah, I know. I'd be That Christ Guy, the Jesus Freak with the Jesus tattoo. It's probably a little cliche, though less so than, say, a butterfly on the lower back these days, no? But, I really like this image. I found it here at Cafe Press. I don't like it on a T-shirt. It's screaming to be made into a tattoo.

Still, I don't know. It's safe to say I'm really thinking about it. I've always said that if you're going to get a tattoo, it can't be something you just get. It has to be something personal to you. You have to think about it. You have to make sure the image is right. You have to be positive you want that image on you for life. The funny thing is... I wouldn't mind this image in the least.

Do I really have to explain why?

I don't know. There's something about having this image of Christ on my shoulder at all times that appeals to me. Something about the permanence of this ink-in-skin that I like. It's a reaffirmation of the choice I made to follow Christ. It's a constant reminder of why He suffered in pain and died for my sins. I imagine when I get tempted to sin, I can remember the pain of the needle inking me up and would be reminded of Christ's sacrifice. I can look to my arm and choose to do the right thing.

But, do I really need a tattoo to get all that? Something tells me it's not necessary. I mean, I know it's not necessary. Then again, it would make a righteous tat.

Is that you God? It's me, ML

Time for ML to eat a yummy, little piece of humble pie. You see, I haven't been chronicling my walk with God like I should have been. And that's I haven't been walking for while. I've recognized that I've been sitting on the park bench for quite a while now.

What do I mean by that? Well, there was a time if you go back in the archives where I would pray nearly daily. I would fast once a week. I would read the Bible on a daily basis. I would connect with God. And, life was good.

But, and I'm not exactly sure when, I just stopped all that. And, over that time, my connection with God has suffered. I haven't felt as blessed as I did when I was talking to God daily. Old sins have gotten the best of me again. And, though I knew I shouldn't be doing this or that, I did it anyway. What's worse is that I recognized my behavior for a while and I'm just now getting around to refocusing.

During that time, I've really felt that God wasn't there. In my heart, I knew he was there waiting for me to walk with him. No, he was there. I just... didn't want to walk at the time, I guess... Heck, I could faintly hear Him calling to talk to me, but I wasn't in the mood to listen. At church, I felt more and more distant, like I was going through the motions. I digress.

Yesterday, I started to take a step in the right direction. After another Sunday at church feeling like I don't belong there, I starting thinking about why I felt that way. Part of my problem, I think, is that I'm a little disenchanted with the Crux. While I love the message and the way it's given, to borrow a friend's description, it's become too much like a rock concert. Granted, the first thing that attracted me to this church was how different it was from the traditional Catholic show. Now, I like the new pastor a lot, but once I learned he was once apart of the lead pastors old Christian rock band, something felt... not wrong... but not quite connected. Add to that, I still struggle with feeling like anyone knows me there. Among the congregation, I could probably count on my hands the number of people I feel close with. Closer than, "Oh hey, you're name's ML right?" Despite the church's effort to built a community, I think my age and life experience are so different from others that we have trouble relating. Now, I'm not attributing my sins to the Crux. I am responsible for my actions and I am asking God's forgiveness. I'm just explaining how during this time the feeling of not belonging has maybe pushed me away from God.

Additionally, three of the people I felt the closest to in the congregation are no longer apart of the mix. God called them to work for him somewhere else. So, my best friend and his wife are moving and, really, I'm happy for them. God's got great plans for them. And, the person who pretty much brought me to Christ's party is moving, too, as God has called her to work for Him somewhere else. I'm not doing well losing their physical proximity. I plan to make every effort to keep these people in my life because, whether they realize it or not, they have done so much for me. In fact, their leaving made me realize that I might for the first time since coming to Christ be alone in my walk with God. By that I mean, I don't have someone in my local inner circle to lean on and talk to about faith. I don't mean I can't talk others in my inner circle about it; we just haven't really talked about it and connected on that level. See the difference before you get offended. So, in that sense, I feel like I have to stand and walk on my own for bit while I develop other relationships. And that scares me...

It's hard for me to socialize. I say I'm going to talk to someone new and just be a friendly person, but it's hard for me to do that. "What ifs" talk me out of it. This is not a way to live. If I'm standing next to you and I'm not saying anything, know that I'm probably trying really hard to come up with an icebreaker that doesn't sound like I'm hitting on you or sounds really stupid. Like recently, I wanted to tell someone I liked the color of their toenail polish, but where do you go after that? Oh, hey, yeah, lovely shade of ice blue on your toes. Where'd ya get it? Oh, no, it's not odd for a guy to like pretty toenails and wonder where you purchased that shade. Really, I'm not a freak. Don't walk away. Damn. I've got a million deadend icebreakers.

Didn't expect that rant, but there ya go... Anyway, I've been wanting to buy The Message Bible. Some people will say that they can't trust the Bible, that it's not the word of God, because it was written by man. I tend to disagree with that because it's not the words that are in the Bible, it's the message you get from God while you read it that's important. And, this particular version, from what I have been exposed to, exemplifies that notion. So, I finally picked on up yesterday. This is a special edition called "Pause." Basically, it's the Message Remix in a "read the Bible in 365 days" form. It starts in Genesis 1, then skips to John 1, back to Genesis, etc. It picked this version because I felt that the fact that it was written to be read daily would help me do just that.

I was reading about Cain and Abel after they offered their sacrifices to God. He was pleased with Abel's, but not so much with Cain's. God tells Cain:

"Why this tantrum? Why the sulking? If you do well, won't you be accepted? And if you don't do well, sin is lying in wait for you, ready to pounce; it's out to get you; you've got to master it."

Well, you could have just about called me "Cain" after I read that. That's what I need to do - get back to mastering my sins.

And that's just what I intend on doing. I am going to start seeking God again. I am going to start praying daily and reading the Bible daily. I am going to start fasting again. I am going to seek the life God wants for me. I am going to start holding myself to higher expectations and morals and develop my character. I'm going to live more transparently and chronicle my experiences here. And, I'm going to start hugging more people. Hugs are good. I need them. So do you. Hug me.

10 Questions Answered

I found this on YouTube... Figured I'd answer. And I'm trying to keep my answers simple and short.

10 Questions that every intelligent Christians must ask themselves

1. Why doesn't God heal amputees?

God does not ever promise that life will be easy for his followers. The miracles Jesus performed in the Bible weren't just to heal people but to show His power and authority so that others could believe in Him and in the grace and salvation He offered. Today, God doesn't need to regrow someone's arm to get them to believe in Him. I am not God and can only guess as to why He doesn't perform a miracle and regrow someone's leg. Personally, I don't think He needs to. Christianity is big enough now that He doesn't need have to rely on miracles like that to gain supporters as He did when only 12 people where His disciples. Though, He still does heal with His miracles; we just don't have a 2000 year old book to read about modern-day healings. Ask a few Christians about the miracles they witnessed. God doesn't need to regrown an arm these days (my opinion).

2. Why are there so many starving people in our world?

Again, God does not promise that life will be easy for this followers. Additionally, He uses tragedies to bring about goodness in the world. Christians are called to respond to these tragedies. Without these evils, there would be no need for acts of kindness. If there were no suffering, we would not know how good we have it. And, when we have it good, we're called to help those that don't.

3. Why does God demand the death of so many innocent people in the Bible?

The video sites Bible verses like Exodus 35:2, Deuteronomy 21:18-21, Leviticus 20:8, and Deuteronomy 22:13-21, but doesn't take into account what the world was like back then. Brutal and Barbaric. And, what God is asking is not for people to be put to death, but for his people to rise above the barbaric nature of the time and live better lives. The verses are not about killing people who sin, but God telling people that willfully sinning is spiritual death.

4. Why does the Bible contain so much anti-scientific nonsense?

Simply put, God does not follow our science. He is capable of things that we do not currently have the capacity to understand. God does not fit into our rules and regulations. We cannot force Him to conform to our ideals. In fact, it's supposed to work the opposite way. We are called to follow His rules. Yes, we have to just accept on faith that God is above science. It's called Faith.

The video talks about the world being created in 6 days and Adam being created from dust and calls it nonsense. What the producer doesn't realize here is that those stories are allegory. Yeah, there's Christians who believe that, but they, too, are misguided.

5. Why is God such a big proponent of slavery in the Bible?

God is not a politician running on a platform. He is not a proponent of slavery and we cannot place humanistic labels on him. By calling people "slaves," He is not condoning the act of slavery.

The video calls out verses like 1 Peter 2:18 "Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh." But doesn't say anything about the entire text here, which explain it all. Read all of 1 Peter 2:13-25 and you'll see that the passage isn't about slavery. Verse 19 says, "For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God." God favors those who are persevere through hard times with their faith. Heck, He allowed the Jews to be enslaved for them to learn that lesson. As with history, we can learn from the Bible's past and strengthen our own faith.

6. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I'll make this as simple as possible. God never said that our lives on earth will be smooth sailing if we follow Him. Bad things will happen in our lives and it is through our faith in God that we learn how to handle those situations best.

7. Why didn't Jesus' miracles in the Bible leave behind any evidence?

Depends on what evidence you're looking for. Physical, tangible, I can touch it evidence? Um... Alot happens in 2000 years. I hope you're not expecting DNA samples and hairs from Christ's head today. If you want other evidence, read Acts and ask yourself would you be willing to die for your beliefs. Stephen, a disciple of Christ, was stoned to death for believing that Christ rose from the dead. He died for his belief in that miracle. Why would he not admit that Christ didn't rise from the dead? He would have lived if he did. But, he would be lying and denying God if he did, a fate worse than death. Imagine living in a time when people stoned you to death. It's a slow, painful and torturous end. What would you die in such a way for? Stephen, and many other early Christians, died because they not only believe Christ rose from the dead, but some of them where witnesses to his death and ascension. They were willing to die for that belief. How is that different from a suicide bomber dying for 70 virgins? The suicide bomber is murdering people as he dies. The martyr isn't.

8. How do we explain the fact that Jesus has never appeared to you?

Well, you know, when I called to him to help me and when I accepted him, he did appear to me. No, I didn't see a body in front of me. But, he did reveal himself to me. And, I have seen examples of his presence (Check out my October 2005 archives and this one from November 2005 for examples).

If you haven't accepted Christ, you will not get an answer that is satisfactory to you. If you are expecting to see a bright light, an angels' chorus and clouds all around you, you definitely have the idea of Jesus "appearing to you" wrong. Jesus doesn't come to us on our terms. We go to Him on His.

9. Why would Jesus want you to eat his body and drink his blood?

Because we're all supposed to be cannibals... Ok, seriously. The body and blood of Christ is representative of his sacrifice for us. Eating his body and drinking his blood is not talking about physical food and nutrition, but about spiritual food and drink to keep our faith strong. Following Christ's teachings keeps our faith strong. That's the quick nutshell answer. There are better people who can explain this to you than I can...

10. Why do Christians get divorced at the same rate as non-Christians?

That's easy. As the video says, "If God put to people together, that should seal the deal, right?" It should, but we're sinners and we don't always to what God wants us to or what is right.

The video goes on after the questions, "In order to believe in God, you had to create all sorts of strange rationalizations and excuses. If you are an intelligent, college-educated person, all of these rationalizations and excuses make you uncomfortable." Well, actually, what you call "rationalizations" don't make me uncomfortable at all because my faith is strong. Being a video editor, I can tell you alot of work went into producing this video. Unfortunately, the producer is horribly misinformed about Christianity. Generally, when someone puts out that much effort to slam something, it's because deep down they are lost and are seeking that which they slam.

I will assert that none of my answers will make since to you on your terms. You have to be willing to accept God's terms to understand the answers. The video says, "When you use your brain, and when you think logically about your religious faith, you can reach only one possible conclusion, the 'god' you have heard about since you were an infant is imaginary." Well, there's the problem. You cannot think about God in terms of human logic. God defies our logic... because He's God. Faith in God is not dictated by logic. Sorry to be cliche, but that's why it's called Faith.

It continues, "You have to willfully accept bizarre rationalizations to believe in your 'god.'"

Finally, something we can agree on.

The Love's the Same

There's was a lot of talk in Indiana last year about a prayer being said before a State Congressional Session. The Speak of the House at the time, Brian Bosma (R), was adamant about saying a "Christian" prayer, while others said it was a violation of Church and State. That's the basic story. And, for the record, I do agree it's a violation of Church and State.

But, that whole controversy got me thinking about why people get offended when a Christian prays for them. Or even, why anyone gets offended when a someone prays to their god for them. I don't get it.

Personally, if someone wants to pray to their god for me, go for it. Thank you for loving me enough and respecting me enough to want your god to bless me. That's how I feel about it. And, that's the spirit in which I pray for people. You might not be a believer in my God, but my prayer for you shows how much I love you. You don't have to understand my God to understand that sentiment - I that respect and love you enough to want my God to work in your life.

Then, I wonder how would I feel if, say, a Muslim asked to pray for me. And, I have to say, I wouldn't have a problem with it. It works both ways.

In Matthew 25:40, Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" And in Matthew 25:45, he says, "I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'" (Take a moment to read the Parable of the Sheep and Goats these quote come from.)

I take that to mean that it doesn't matter what "religion" you are, live your life with love, even if you don't know the love you share is the same that Christ shares... That's the simplistic version anyway.

Fell at the Fall

I don't know why I have never said something about the Adam and Eve story in Genesis before. Something this weekend just hit me over the head about it and I need to share.

The story of the Fall is not about how sin entered into equation. It's not about a snake deceiving man. It's not about man's need for knowledge. It's not even about how man or this world was created.

Before Eve took a bite from the tree of knowledge and got Adam to do the same, the Garden of Eve was a pefect place. A literal heaven on earth. Man's relationship with God was perfect. Then, the snake came along, tempted man with an apple, and *boom* we're all a bunch of sinners.

This story is about why we need God in our lives. When man disobeyed God, our relationship with him was shattered. So, it is the same today with sin.

Back before the Fall, our relationship with God was perfect because we didn't sin, we didn't disobey His rules, and we were pleasing to the Lord. We needed that relationship with God and vice versa. As God himself says in Genesis 1:31, "It was very good." Afterwards, the relationship became troubled, to say the least, and we've been trying to heal the wounds ever since.

The story of the Creation and the Fall is not about the first man and woman. It's not about how the world came into being, nor how quickly. It's an allegory showing why we need a relationship with God. Without him, we are broken.

I don't want to go into more detail than putting that thought into your head. Think about it, meditation on it, whatever you do, do it. Once you understand the allegory, you can maybe better understand the rest of the Bible's message and why we need to fix the broken pieces of our relationship with God.

Pity Party

I'm having a pity party and you are invited. Please attend.

You know, I don't know if I'm getting tired of blogging or I just feel like I'm talking to myself or what. Some days, I feel like what's the point of keeping my thoughts out there. Other days, I remind myself why. Other days, that reason isn't enough.

Today, I am wondering if anyone would notice if I never posted here again. But, I think that's me just having a pity party. There's important work to be done here, right?

Why do I blog? I'm not a political ranter, though I do enjoy discussing political ideas. I don't wax poetic on the news of the day. And I really don't want this to be a blog that talks about every stupid detail of my day. Please do me a favor and shoot me if I am doing that.

So, what's the blog for? At this point, I honestly just hope that my thoughts on God, Jesus, faith, etc... well, i can only hope that it makes a difference to some one at their time of need.

I imagine some lost soul googling something and tripping they way to my blog only to read a post like this or this. And, that somehow that person's life is changed for the better - like showing my faith made a difference.

In fact, that's something I pray for. I ask God to give me the opportunity to show one person the next day what His love and mercy is. I don't mean I want the chance to browbeat a non-believer into believing. But, I do want to show that person God's kindness and maybe loosen a brick from the wall that's keeping them from God.

But, then I look at the archive list and see on average I've posted less than three times in the past eight months. Obviously, something ain't right. I'm not sure what it is. Is it me being lazy? Have I run out of things to say? Is it me seeing stats that say maybe 4 people visit this place a day (and I'm not 100% sure that it's not just me visiting)? Is my message turning people away? Am I *gasp* boring? You tell me.

In a previous post, I wrote:

"Ecclesiastes 12:10 says, “The Teacher searched to find just the right words, and what he wrote was upright and true.” When it comes to blogging, I can think of no better level to aspire to. When it comes to writing about Christ and God’s truth, I relentlessly pray God will help me find the right words and that they will be interpreted as true. That’s all I hope for this blog to be."

I'm still down with that idea. I just don't seem to be following through. You tell me, am I?

40 Some Odd Days of Sacrifice

I decided to give up something for Lent this year. I haven't done that in ages, and I can't honestly remember actually giving something up in my Catholic childhood. What I do remember is having some form of boiled seafood every Friday since meat was out. It's Friday today and I wish I had a big old pile of boiled crawfish in front of me, but alas, it's PB&J for me today.

Anyway, Lent... The purpose is to make a sacrifice and devout that extra time or what have you to God. That's the simple version. So, I thought about it and the best thing I think I can "sacrifice" is non-work related television viewing. I watch a lot of prime time TV and the more I thought about it, the easier it was to give up.

Here's my weekly television schedule:
Mondays - Not much on for me, but I'd watch "How I Met Your Mother" with the family and suffer through "The Class." I say "suffer through" because while it's actually a pretty funny show (don't tell my wife I said that), it really bothers me that I'm supposed to laugh at people having affairs, making horrible life decisions, etc. I don't know why it does. I guess I just don't want to get into ANOTHER TV show because I probably could get into "The Class" if I let myself (again, don't tell my wife). No, I refuse to watch Heroes.

Tuesdays - Well, American Idols' back and it's right before one of the two favorite shows, "House." The latter is one of two shows we tape if we're going to miss. I don't like to miss it. It's a great show you should be watching.

Wednesday - It was Beauty and the Geek (Thank goodness Cecelia didn't win). Now that Season 3 is done, America's Next Top Model will be on. Its a show I don't need to watch, but the family likes it so I'll watch with them. Then, we'd switch to American Idol and then Lost. At this point, I'm over Lost. It was a can't miss show, but I'm over it.

Thursday - Earl, The Office, then Grey's Anatomy. I can miss Earl or the Office because while they are hysterical, they don't matter that much. Grey's Anatomy is the other show I can't miss. Fans of Grey's Anatomy can understand how much of a sacrifice I'm making for Lent. If you saw last week's cliffhanger, then you know. I haven't watched last night's end to a three episode arc and I didn't have it taped, so if I see it, it'll be in reruns.

Friday - As much as this pains me, I'll just have to miss WWE Friday Night Smackdown.

That's a healthy 9 hours a week of TV watching. I didn't even include weekend TV, which isn't much now that football is over, nor did I include early access or late fringe syndication. I am going to really miss nightly South Park reruns. All in all, I probably watch at least 12 hours of TV a week. That's a lot of time I can sacrifice and devout to God. It is, after all, only TV.

And that's the attitude I'm waking up with this morning. Grey's Anatomy was the most watched TV show in Indianapolis last night and considering last week left Meredith Grey dead on the table, last night's episode was sure to be riveting. But, I don't really know because I didn't watch it. And I woke up this morning not really caring if she lived. I'm sure she did, the show's called "Grey's Anatomy" for a reason. But, my point is my time was better spent in the company of God doing good things.

In fact, last night I got a call from Pastor Dave asking if I had a few hours to help the new pastor move into his house. Last week, I would have made an excuse not to go. Heavy labor or Grey's Anatomy? Hmmmm... Easy choice. This week, I went with heavy labor and it was the better choice by far. I helped a person in need and likely started laying the foundation for a possible friendship.

So, while I might be missing out on the mystery of the island that never gets freaking solved, I am answering other questions about who I am transforming into and what kind of person I want to me.

The real question is what do once Lent is over. Do I go back to watching TV? Honestly, I don't know right now. I'd like to say that 3 days into Lent that don't think I will. But I also know that I am human and I know how easy it is to give into old enjoyable temptations. Not that watching TV is a sin. No, I just mean I could be doing something much better.

A Humble, (Not So) Little Addendum

I wanted to add something to this post. Well, maybe not so much add, as rephrase.

A friend commented that they lost their faith when they were told God never gives us more than we can handle. I don't know if that was from me or not. They also added there was no way God thinks they are that strong. Well, that made me stop and think.

And, while I do believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, I think there needs to be an addendum to that. Which would be... with His help. Let me recount how I came to Jesus by way of better explaining what I mean.

When I moved to Indiana, I was desperate for a major change in my life. I got no joy from work, my marriage had many issues, and for various other reasons, I was just completely down my life. Growing debt, ho-hum work, family problems... there was a time when I felt happier whenever I was away from the apartment. I was practically a different person.

Things needed to change... badly. A job opened up in Indiana within my company and without much thought behind it, I applied. It was the day of my phone interview that proved to be one of the most tumultuous and worst days of my life. To keep a long story as short as possible, my marriage could have well died that day.

Obviously, I ended up getting the job in Indy. Two months had passed between the phone interview and my first day on the job - March 15, 2004. The wife and I started working on our marriage and family life. Things were looking up. I moved to Indy first to get settled in and my family joined me in late June. So, I was living alone for a few months.. living lonely. A phone call with family is much different than a hug.

It was a lonely couple of months for me. New town, alone, not knowing anyone. The plan was for me to dive immediately into theatre into order to meet people and I got cast in a local production of Fiddler on the Roof. It was here I met one of the most genuine persons on this planet, Amy.

We were talking backstage one night and I told her how I felt just lost. By this time, my family had already joined me, but I was deep enough in that their presence didn't cure me of my ails. I still felt my marriage was rocky and didn't really have a plan to fix it. I think I was perhaps indifferent to it for a while. I just knew I was in a lot of pain and wanted that to end. I needed things to change and I didn't know how nor if I was strong enough to make the necessary changes.

After talking to Amy, she gave me a little pamphlet of the Gospel of John. Given my turned-off-by-Catholicism-and-Christianity attitude of the time, I was surprised at how relieved this gesture made me feel. I certainly had turned away from Christ for my adult life up to that point. Ignored him and the church since I was forced into the sacrament of Confirmation. Even looked down on and thought Christians were pretty much fools. Yet, I was amazed at how completely touched I was to receive Bible scripture. Weird, huh?

What's weirder is how I devoured the words and meaning. John's words really moved me and compelled me. I felt for the first time that I was hearing God speak directly to me. I underlined passages and reflected heavily on their meaning. I'm not sure if my words can accurately describe how moved I was.

Not long after, I did something I hadn't done in, well, God knows how long. I prayed. I talked with God for a really long time and told Him about my loneliness and how I needed a change. I told Him that I had reached a point where I didn't know what to do and I didn't have the strength to change on my own. I told Him if He would help me, then I would devout my life to Him.

And, in THAT INSTANT, THAT VERY INSTANT, I could feel the warmth of someone holding me, hugging me. I have no doubt today that was Jesus Christ telling me everything would be OK. My tears of loneliness warmed to tears of joy. That's when I first truly felt the Holy Spirit's flame inside my heart.

Now, I'd like to tell you that life's been peachy keen ever since. Of course, it has not been all the time. If you've been following my journey, I think you'll can tell how far I've come. If this is your first time here, take some time and go through the past two years worth of archives. You'll see the wonderful journey I have been on. It has its ups and downs, but the downs don't hurt nearly as much anymore. And, that's because I know God is working for me. He is my strength and my courage when I have none. Psalms 18 says this all to perfectly (Or try The Message Paraphrase).

For a lot of people, it takes reaching rock bottom before they'll turn to God for help. I don't know if I was completely at the bottom, but I was definitely the lowest I had ever been when I heard Christ's call. If you feel like maybe you can't do it on your own, try this - just ask God to help and see what happens. He will answer you.

A Humble, Little Story

Somewhere in the Bible, it says something about living humbly. In truth, I don't know the specific passages, but if you'll indulge my generalizing, I think we'll still learn a lesson.

My pastor often says that the word of God, the Gospel, travels through us on its way to someone else. And, I'm feeling like there's some reason more than my own... humbleness... that I am writing about this subject. Like humbling myself in this post might help someone who's reading it. So here we go...

A few months ago, we moved out of an apartment into a new house. We had problems once we moved out. The apartment complex seems to think we owe them a month of rent we didn't stay there for. We gave verbal notice but not official written notice as called for in the lease. A few weeks into the 90-day trust challenge, I lied in hopes of getting out of it. And, for this I feel the need to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. In fact, I have asked God for forgiveness. This is the humble part.

Lies are funny because, if your good at it, no one will ever know. Rather, no human will ever know. God always knows. He knows what's in your heart and will deal with you accordingly. For Christians, you would think knowing God always knows would effect the way we act more. Knowing that God knows should be a great deterrent to giving in to even the slightest sin. But, it's often not.

Get ready for a long read...

We lived for two years in our old apartment complex. When it was time to renew the lease, we decided to sign a month-to-month lease. The paperwork was dated and signed on April 7, 2006. The lease specifically says that it begins on May 1, 2006, is good for 1 month, and expires on May 31, 2006. It also says that 60 day written notice must be given to move out and that notice must be turned in a specific way. When we signed the lease on April 7, 2006, we did give verbal notice and were told we still needed to give written notice.

We were gone on May 31, 2006. The apartment complex is claiming we owe them for June 2006 because we didn't give proper, official written notice. The only defense we have is how do you give 60 day notice on a 31 day lease.

Meanwhile, I started the 90-day trust challenge where I tithe for three months and see what happened. During this time, I told a lie in hopes of getting out of paying this. I distorted a fact. And for a while, it helped. I guess that's the nature of it.

I left a message in August for the apartment complex people basically asking them to explain how they can charge me for June when the lease was up anyway. To date, they haven't returned my call. So, I thought that maybe they decided with the lease ambiguities it wasn't worth pursuing.

My parents loaned me the money to pay this just to settle it. I accepted it knowing I would be (and are) paying them back. But, medical and dental bills started to make money extremely tight. I ended up using the loan to pay some of these thinking the apartment people relented. As of this writing, they don't know I did that, but I do plan on telling them. I feel like I might have betrayed their trust, even though I am paying them back, since I didn't spend the money on what they think I did.

I knew it the apartment people could come collecting at anytime. But, for three months, there was no contact from them. During that time, I started feeling... well.. further from God. I wasn't praying or fasting like I had been. When I heard that still small voice talk to me, I pushed it away. To use the "walking the path" analogy, I was on the path, but I stopped walking and was sitting on a bench. I just didn't feel as close to God has I had been. Later, I got off the bench and started walking again. Since then, I've asked for God's forgiveness for not listening to Him and lying about the situ.

A few days ago, I got a letter from a collection agency about paid the apartment people. God's really funny. You see, He might put things on you and He might test you, but He never gives you more than He knows you can take. And, while I might have failed His test earlier, I learned from it, as I learned to trust him during the 90-day trust challenge. While I struggled through the challenge to give God my 10%, and while I struggled to make ends met, God still provided. Even when I turned away from God for a bit, He still provided. And that's important.

God never gives you more than He know you can handle. There was no way I could afford to pay the apartment bill. Not at the time. Not with the medical bills and everything else. But, God provided for me through all of that time. He made it so the bill would get fumbled around and held up until I could afford to pay it myself. And, today, we're at a point financially that I can without a problem. And that's what I will be doing by the end of the month.

If there's a lesson you can take away from this, it's this: God only gives you what He knows you have the strength to handle. Take comfort in knowing that no matter what's on your plate, God knows you can deal with it. Take comfort knowing that you can get past whatever you are dealing with. It might be difficult and you might not see how right now, but you CAN. Have faith in that.

I want to apologize to those who have given me advice on this matter for a little betrayal of trust. I humbly ask for your forgiveness and I hope I can earn that trust back.