Monday, July 18, 2011

Chink In the Armor

To the person this is about:  please don't read this.  I don't want you to get the wrong impression.  There's much more I want to tell you should we have the opportunity.

To the person(s) who reads this:  don't assume it's about you or someone you know.  It's not.

I had a dream about you last night.  Honestly, I don't remember the specifics,  only that you were there - perhaps we were just hanging out.  But we were both laughing and very happy to see each other after so long.  Part of me wants to take this as a sign that it is okay to contact you again.  I miss our friendship; I'm realizing that more and more.  Still, another part of me doesn't know if I am ready.  And that's really silly when I think about it.

Through Facebook, I see we have a few mutual friends - the one's I'd expect.  Yet, I can't bring myself to click "add as friend."  Whenever I get close, I don't know if I am ready to face the rejection if you don't confirm.  I feel some need to ask for forgiveness for some crime I've made up in my head.  The crime of distance, of no communication.

Our lives are much different now than they were when we last spoke or saw each other.  Well, based on what I can tell, yours certainly is and you look happy.  Trust me when I say that is all I hoped for you.  I wouldn't want an out-of-the-blue, unexpected message to throw a monkey wrench in your life or happiness.  So, I maintain radio silence, if you will.  Still, a small part of me feels like I need forgiveness for the mistakes I made.

Though, how much of the non-communication is really time and distance?  Out of sight, out of mind?  That thought is rather depressing.  We shared a too rare a friendship for time/distance to be an issue.

So, maybe I do need your forgiveness.  And honestly, that's all I want from you.  For what though?  There's the paradox - to gain your forgiveness I have to admit to you there was a crime. 

I've matured and accepted things.  I'm in a good place.  No, not a perfect place, but perfection is not achievable.

In the end, I guess what I am asking is... can we be friends?  Are we capable?  I would like to think so.  I hope some time in this life I am proven right.

Today's Blessings:
- After 3 years of go, go, go, I'm on a needed break.  The focus is on house and home.
- I have a family who loves me enough to allow me to go, go, go for three straight years without asking me to stop.
- I have been granted respect from people who matter to me.
- I have done at least 4 shows in a row with very little, if any, drama/diva moments.  I can see the common thread in why, too.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Blessings II

Today's blessings include:
- a buttload of groceries, more specifically the ability to purchase said groceries.
- de-shaggifying my hair, with a half off coupon I forgot I had.
- "Beautiful City" from Godspell is technically from a movie and therefore, I can perform it for CCP's "Light, Camera, Cabaret."
- Feeling the respect of my creative peers.
- Root Beer Floats
- Human Interaction tonight (ie. Drinks after the show)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Counting Blessings

A friend mentioned they were starting to write down their blessings daily. Sounded like a good idea today. Without getting too mopey, I am counting one today - I can type this from my phone and post it. One! One Counted Blessing! Ah ha ha ah ah!

Ok, bad Count impression over. I'll try a bit harder.

2nd blessing - I turned a spot around in no time, especially since it had to be done today AND I was assigned to do it today.

3rd blessing - I will fall asleep soon and can dream of a better day.

4th blessing - I realize I just need to make it to Friday. Three more sleeps after this.

5th blessing - The A/C is working.