Wednesday, September 15, 2004

A Re-birth

A few weeks ago, someone gave me a small copy of The Gospel of St. John. After having a conversation or two backstage during the show, she thought I could use it. Now, if you've been around me or read this 'blog before, my reaction will probably surprise you. No, I didn't just smile and say "Hey, thanks" and tucked it away never to be read again. I was genuinely moved by this. And that completely surprised me. Imagine that... The gift of the Word of God moving me.

I thanked her for the present. So surprised at my reaction, I couldn't find appropriate words. "Thanks, this was... so... um... nice, to use the worst possible word," was my completely understated reply.

It took me about three days to read it. It probably would have taken less time, but I kept going back over passages to make sure I understood their meaning. Several times, I was moved to tears of both joy and sorrow. Particularly, John 6:35-37:

Jesus replied, "I am the bread of life. No one who comes to me will ever be hungry again. Those who belive in me will never thrist. But you haven't believed in me even though you have seen me. However, those the Father has given me will come to me, and I will never reject them.

Why these verses? Well, let's just say that I haven't "believed" and now I'm starting to. How amazing is it that JC won't reject and still loves a sinner like me?

After reading John, I emailed the person who gave it to me, as I had some questions. I told her that I thought I felt God calling to me a few times but I wasn't listening too well. I said that I couldn't quite explain the feeling, but that I suddenly felt comforted at a moment of ultimate sadness. While I couldn't quite explain the feeling, I told her I had no doubt she knew what I was talking about. Let me tell you, it's a completely amazing thing to tell someone "God speaks to me" and they don't give you funny looks but know what you mean. She told me that (yes, it sounds kinda hokey, but work with me here for a bit) the Holy Spirit had moved her to give me her gift.

The truth is, folks, I've been quite lost for a long time. For the past two or three years, I've slowly started to realize that. I thought that maybe I had figured out who I was, what I wanted, what my role in life was. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm even less sure of exactly what God's plans for me are. But, I have decided to put my complete faith in him and Jesus Christ, too. The emptiness in my life is very scary, but I do believe God and JC are giving me the strength to get through it.... to find myself, to be happy...

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