Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Man in the Mirror

I know that I bitched a moaned a healthy amount when it came to cutting my hair and shaving my goatee for Bye, Bye Birdie. I'm quite the insecure person when it comes to my hairless face. Seems I was cursed with the Plaisance double chin and the beard helped to hide that. Plus my face is extremely round and the facial hair helped define my jawline and elongate my face.

It's been 10 years since I've had short hair and no facial hair at the same time. Once, I shaved my beard while I had long hair. And for a few years, I had hair on my chin and short hair. Until this last show, I was long hair and goatee or beard or some sort of facial hair on my chin. I liked it. It helped me feel better about my looks. It hid and concealed the part of my face I'm very self-conscience about.

When I cut my hair back in early July, it wasn't too bad. I was kinda looking forward to it. It'd been at least a year since my hair was cut. Before moving to Indiana, it wasn't very long, but it was long enough to be quite unkempt. I was fine with how it looked. Then, the big cut happened and my hair was undoubtably short. Shockingly short. People barely recognized me and did a double take before telling me how good I looked and how handsome the short hair made me look. That helped quite a bit. Boosted the whole self-esteem for sure.

About a week or two before the show opened, I had to shave. I was scared. Afraid to look in the mirror. When I did, I was sad because I didn't recognize myself. To me, I felt completely naked. It was like I lost my identity. Quite the bizarre feeling to be walking in your skin but not feeling like yourself.

Many people didn't recognized me at all. Had quite a few people tell me that didn't know it was me. One of my best friends saw a picture of my naked face and said that if he's seen me on the street he would have passed me by because he didn't recognize me. Yet, everyone continued to say how handsome I looked, how much younger I seemed to be. And still, inside, I was a nervous wreck. I completely felt naked to the world; my "security wall" was gone.

Now, the show is over and I'm growing the goatee back. And the ironic thing is, I looked in the mirror today and saw myself. Even with the goatee slowly coming back, even though I've been "nude" for about a month, I was struck by how I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror. I sat there staring at my semi-hairy chin wondering what was I looking at. Who is that in the mirror. Lord, that was weird. I've been quite anxious to get my goatee back and, now that I look at myself, I am starting to not like the hair on my chinny-chin-chin. It's just fucking weird to me right now. I'm half-tempted to shave it off. Then, I remember how much I hate shaving and how there's less face to shave when I'm hairy. The man in the mirror still doesn't look right though...

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