I wonder if they are avoiding me. I wonder what rumors might be flying around the mill. I wonder if rumors that I don't know about are being believed with out the thought of seeing if they are real. I wonder if I'm just out of sight, out of mind. Bear in mind, this is all just random and silly speculation. That's what depression does to your brain - makes you wonder and speculate and think about things happening that have very little chance of happening. In essance, I'm making mountains of a molehill.
Of course, people are just a phone call or email away. But, then I get thinking, "Well, how weird will this phone call be since people and I haven't talked in a while." The call never gets made thanks to doubt.
Don't worry, I'm already pulling out of this funk. I know it's, quite literally, all in my head. I feel like I have to explain a little bit more. I don't really talk about my childhood and growing up because, well, I had it pretty darn good. The thing is, growing up, my mother was (and in many ways, still is) battling deep, deep depression. I'm not going to get into gory details because they are unnecessary and not my story. Just know that she is one of my heroes for pulling herself out.
But, seeing someone you love go through what my mother did... well, I don't want to go through what she did. It was hell for her. And, thanks to genetics, I get to fight it, too. But, at least, I've had a childhood of seeing what depression can do to a person. In that way, I'm thankful to God for preparing me early to fight the blues. And, sure, there's an occassional funk I have to fight, but I've beat it every single time. I guess it's time to send out some emails...
Ok, on to better thoughts...
I wrote these lyrics earlier today. My first Christian Pop song... Well, the beginnings anyway. I forgot how the tune went, but I have the words.
We fell at the fall; Rose at your Ascension.
And now we will call for God, your salvation.
If it wasn't for your grace
We'd be lost without a trace.
We fell at the fall; Rose at the Ascension
***Note- reading over this post, I almost deleted it. But, I decided not to. The point of this blog is to be myself and not censor my thoughts. Once, I start doing that, then I'm not being honest with myself, nor with you.