There's probably a good reason why I have neglected blogging for a long time now. Time being a major factor. Interest being another. But, when I really think about, perhaps it really boils down to... how can I explain it? Let's try it this way...
There's a song by Blue October called, "Ugly Side" on their History for Sale album (incredible songwriting on this album, by the way) and the chorus goes, "I only want you to see/My favorite part of me/And not my ugly side."
How true. There's many things over the years of maintaining this blog that I haven't shared. A lot of things I might be too embarrassed to put out there, or maybe ashamed to admit, too. And part of my struggle keeping this sight going is remaining honest with you, the reader. Am I really being honest "living online," if I don't speak about the bad things in my life, too? Life ain't always a bowl of cherries...
Granted, if you go through the archives, you'll find quite a few stories of me not living up to my expectations, or perhaps a story or two that ends with you being disappointed in how I acted or handled something. But, I'm really starting to think that for the past two years or so, the image I have put forth here is not necessarily a completely honest one. Even not posting kinda says something, right? And the whole point for me is to be completely honest, showing the good and bad. Isn't it a bit false, otherwise?
Over the existence of Everything Grey, it has morphed from a journal-type thing to a documentation of my ongoing spiritual journey, showing how the Christian path has changed my life. This has become my living testimony. And, I think to truly be a Witness, the whole story has to be told - a story that probably doesn't end until I die (and on some level maybe not then). Somewhere in my reasons for blogging is the hope that someone perhaps stumbles across this site, reads the ups and downs, and maybe that influences them into looking up this Christianity thing and learns that it is really about a fixing a broken relationship between ourselves and God.
One of the biggest principles of Christianity is giving your life over to God and humbling yourself before Him. I've been quite stubborn since I've dropped writing here and I know that I haven't been living up to that principle. Today, I'm just admitting it. I could say that I haven't had the time to dedicate to... read the Bible more, pray more, talk to God more. And, some might probably agree... But the ugly truth is I'm just starting to recognize that I'm running away from God when I should be running to embrace Him.
That is not to say that I no longer have faith in God, or don't believe in Him. I do. I just haven't been an very active participant in our relationship for a while. And the ugly truth is, I'm not sure when I'll get more active again.
If there's a problem, the first step to healing is admitting there is a problem in the first place. I admit there is a general lack of active participation in my relationship with God. That's step one, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure when I'm going to take step 2. I'm not exactly positive what that step is just yet.
I'm not even sure if I'm going to continue writing here. But remember, Christianity for me is about the journey to get to Heaven and less so actually getting there. Once you're there, you're there. But until I'm there, yes, I am tempted. Yes, I do give in to temptations. The journey is not perfect and neither am I.
I just ask for patience and forgiveness.