Doubt

God, what do you want from me? The last time I was like this, you turned me toward you. Is that what you are doing? What if I don't want to turn right now? Why even make me feel at all? Can you teach me without making it sting? Is this really the temptation, the test, to see if I'm learning, to see if I'll break? Obviously, I am if I am filled with such doubts I know where I stand and what to do; I'm just maybe a little resistant to accept the honor. Can't you bring the moment here, now, so I can show my resolve, my strength and be done? Test me so I can either pass or fail, but take these doubts away. I can take failing because then I'd know what I need to do, what to work on. This constant back and forth is the drain.

Is it possible to love You and follow You, yet fully be the artist I need to be? I need to create. I need to express. I need to write. I need passion. The good, the bad and the ugly. This is my "Starry Night." My "Scream." Bohemian Christian... Is that an obtainable and sustainable lifestyle? Does it scream of love for You, of life, of people, of emotion, temptation, depression, sin, a journey with You?

If this is truly the story of my relationship with You, I think it is great we fight like a married couple and I always can express my frustrations. And You listen. I know you listen. You know where those pains are coming from because You know what is in my heart. Thank You for loving me and being a God who is passionate about our relationship.

As I reflect, I still have my doubts and consider deleting this. Perhaps, I'll feel different in the morning.

No, you know what, if this is testimony and therapy and the pouring of it all out there, I cannot be afraid of letting my love for You be hidden by my own censorship. You give me strength. You give me love. You give me wisdom. I cannot live afraid.