Thursday, September 19, 2002

Ok, folks, we're about to get extremely personal here. Tomorrow, I will be calling the doctor back to find out the results of a semen test that was performed last friday. More on that experience in a bit.

For just over a year now, my wife and I have been trying to get pregnant. Since she's already had a kid, we figured it wouldn't be this hard to get pregnant. But it has been a very frustrating 12 months for both of us. Every month, we have all this excitement built up about the possibility of being pregnant, only to crash hard when she begins her period. And while it's hard for me to accept, it's even harder for my wife.

The monthly crash has been very hard to deal with, so hard that it's affecting our intimacy. And I don't mean sex, necessarily. The thinking is if we do anything that could lead to sex, then we could have sex which just leads to depression and disappointment at the end of the month. So, if we don't have sex or do anything intimate that could maybe lead to sex, then there's no reason to crash. Yes, we are working on that. The catch-22 is if we're having problems with intimacy now, how much of a problem will it be when we have a baby and there's no time to be intimate. Wouldn't it still be a problem?

Moving on, we've decided to start figuring out why we aren't having success. So after doing some research, we decided it best if I spill my seed into a cup. And that's really want I wanted to talk about. The doctor gave me the specimen cup and some paperwork. I was instructed that the lab needed my contribution no more than an hour after filling up the cup. Or, I could go to the lab and do my business in their special room. Well, I live at least a half-hour away from the lab and with Houston traffic the way it is, the best thing to do was go to the lab (or is that cum into the lab, Trish??)

I called the lab to make an appointment and they said I didn't need one, that I could walk right it. So, I decided I would go on my off day. That whole week leading up to the event, my mind wondered what the special room would be like. The way I understood it there would be a couch to sit on and some dirty mags on a table. Maybe even a t.v. and v.c.r. to assist with the collection, you know what I'm saying... I was really hoping for some porn. We laughed about maybe even asking a nurse if she could give me a hand. I am not ashamed to say I was looking forward to the test.

For like a week, I built up inside of me this wonderous picture of a sterile porn palace. I figured I'd have enough fun at the lab that I could take 20 or 30 minutes perfoming the test. You know, get all the free porn I can... Imagine my surprise when I was shown the special room and it turned out to be a flourescent-lit bathroom. Yes, it was sterile, but it was hardly a place to get my business on. The toliet just had a seat, no cover to sit on. What's up with that? No TV, no magazines. My fantasy was so destroyed that I think the doctor is going to tell me that I failed the test, not that it came back positive or negative, but that I am the first person to flat out fail it.

Actually, I'm not really worried if the doctor tells me I have a low sperm count. That would be understandable. I had a freakish accident at the roller rink as a kid which probably screwed something up. Plus, smoking marijuana in college probably didn't help the situation (not that I regret my pot-head days because I wouldn't be who I am today and I am very happy with who I am).

I think I'm more worried that my boys are good swimmers because then we've figured out that the problem isn't with me but with my wife. And that would be very hard for her...probably devistating. At least if the swimmers can't swim, we can skip right on to adoption or get science to fertilize one of her eggs with one of my weaklings. Seriously, it's probably never been said by a man before, but I'm hoping more for a low sperm count.

I guess we'll find out tomorrow what the news shall be. Whatever the results, we'll get by.

You better catch me when I fall. I'm on my roller skates...'Cause any ol' way that I fall, I'll be in your arms as we lie awake with our lovely new mistake. -- "New Mistake" by Jellyfish.

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