Monday, January 10, 2005

The Next Big Step

My Pastor called me the other day. He told me that the church was going to be having a biggish Baptism celebration later this month. He told me this because based on previous conversations he knows that I have decided to rededicate my life to serving God and Christ. He asked me if I would like to be baptized. I told him that when I was baptized when I was a newborn. He thought that I should at least consider it. We will probably meet for lunch and discuss it.

But, I don't know how I feel about the idea of being baptized again. Maybe it's something I should do to show my dedication to God and the life he has planned for me. Another part of me says I don't need to do that 'cause he already knows. Yet another part of me is saying don't do it because then you'll have "joined the cult." That's not meant to be offensive, I just mean that my spiritual journey is meant only for myself, to be experienced by only me and is between myself, God and JC. A little part of me is still turned off by organized mass religion. I can't help that; the cynic in me won't let me jump of the bridge without thinking about all the possibilities. I worried about drinking the kool-aid, sort to speak.

Honestly, even though I'm doing my best to better my relationship with God and Christ, I still feel kinda... fake. Here I am trying to change my faith and belief system and the "old one" still wants to rule the roost.

I think part of the reason I'm afraid of the whole Baptism thing is that I am still clinging to my old ways of thinking. I'm trying to figure out how to make my old beliefs fit with my new found faith. I don't feel like I should be baptized again until I can rectify that. It wouldn't feel right. I would feel like I'm trying to pull the wool over God's eyes and just pretending to live a righteous life. You can talk about living a certain way, but it's a completely different thing to actually live like that.

When I go to my church, I very much enjoy the experience. I do feel closer to God. But, I also feel like I'm sitting around a bunch of people who "get it" and that I'm just there going through the motions, at least compared to these lucky folks. Like all these other folks are going to heaven and they're looking at me like, "Well, he's just faking it; he's not good enough, like we are." I'm still uncomfortable around all these "church-goers" because my old beliefs don't want to go away. I've been quite leary of "Christians" in the past. It's hard getting that out of my system. Of course, some of that is probably a little social anxiety creeping in. I don't exactly reach out and socialize when I'm at church. That's my problem, not anyone else's. I'm working on it...

Still, I've been trying to listen more to God and do what He wants me to do. Maybe, my Pastor calling and asking me to think about Baptism is God's way of showing me "the Way." Maybe just him calling is actually... Him calling. Maybe I should just listen to Him. Think of the symbolism - washing away my old beliefs and accepting new ones. Isn't that what Baptism is about?

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