Without going into details that I do not want all over the world wide web at this time, I am feeling tremendously overwhelmed with all that is being asked of me. Between work, home, friendships, theater and a host of other things I am not going to detail right now, I am very much struggling with the idea that I am going to make it to the other side of the tunnel. In fact, last night I literally fell to my knees and begged God for some help... begged for him to take some of these things away from me...
For some reason, whenever I ask God to "take these things away from me," you know, telling him that I don't think I can handle everything He is asking me to handle, I always think of Jesus Christ: Superstar. Specifically, Jesus's song "Gesthemane."
Lyrics: I only want to say, If there is a way, Take this cup away from me...
This song is Jesus' prayer to God before the events leading to his crucifixion. In the hours before he was arrested, he had such doubts and he makes no bones about how difficult it is to finish the job God called him to do. The Bible account in Matthew 26 says in verse 39: " Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.'" Jesus had such doubts, too. Our cups runneth over?
In the middle of prayer, on my knees, full of pain to the point of tears burning my eyes, this song and story pops into my head. I start praying for God to take this cup away from me because I cannot handle its poison. And, I laugh.
I laugh at myself because in that moment I realize how trivial my problems are. My bullshit is nothing compared to what JC went through so that we can receive God's grace. Funny, how in my moment of absolute weakness, I can find a glimmer of hope through laughter.
And it is then that I begin to thank God for reminding me what is important and that He does not throw anything my way that I cannot handle. I thank God for humbling me. And I continue thinking about the song:
God thy will is hardThis is the challenge God gives me - Take these things on. He needs me to and knows that I can do it. Therefore, I can accomplish all that He asks of me. His faith in me gives me strength. And, even in my weakest moments, He reminds me of his love and grace. I will take this on because You have asked me to. I am not sure what the results will be, but I know He will keep me safe.
But you hold every card
I will drink your cup of poison
Nail me to your cross and break me
Bleed me beat me kill me take me now -
Before I change my mind.