Worst. Dad. Ever.

I just want to understand why or how I became the Worst. Dad. Ever.

Is it wrong to be honest with your child? Is it wrong to warn them how unfair and cruel the world is? Is it blasphemy to try to teach them respect and discipline? Can a father not point out where mistakes were made, how to better handle a situation the next time, and maybe most importantly, understand that actions have consequences?

Isn't that my job as a parent? To say, hey, I understand that you are a free spirit and I get that and I love you and your individuality. But, the world thinks that tattooed 17-year-old's without a GED or diploma can only flip burgers or be fry cooks. Yes, it's unfair, but that's reality. And that means you have to work 10 times as hard as everyone else to achieve your dreams and goals. Your goals are achievable, but you have to do to work to reach them. I just want to make sure you understand that. I don't have a problem with certain choices you have made.

Yet, this is not love? This is not caring?

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my son. Not my step-son. MY son. I am just frustrated with how my love comes across. I am frustrated that I struggle with the balance between giving him space to learn and grow and keeping him leashed to reality. Somehow, that unbalance is perceived as... un-love... (Hate is the opposite of love, and certainly the wrong word).

And, if you do read this one day, please understand I am not criticizing you. In fact, this is a lot more about what I perceive as my own failures, frustrations and insecurities. I want to know one day before I die that I didn't screw up my one and only opportunity to be a father. You may not understand it now, but I hope you one day see that my frustration is proof that I do love, care and respect you. If I didn't, I wouldn't have such a passionate response.

My only fault is caring and loving too damn much. I'm sure his grandfather would, with a twinkle of wisdom in his eye, say, "Like Father. Like Son."

Since we are made in God's image, we feel the same passionate emotions. I bet He feels the same frustration with His and my relationship as I do with ours.

"Hardest Part of Love" lyrics from Children of Eden:

Oh this son of mine I love so well
And all the toil it takes
I'd give to him a garden and keep clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes
He goes charging on the cliffs of life
A reckless mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble
I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless
And he'd still refuse to hear

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go

As a child I found a sparrow
Who had fallen form the nest
And I nursed him back to health till he was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it
It would peck and scratch my chest
Till I let it go
And I watched it fly away from me
With it's brightened self resolve
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungry and I feared it might go wrong

But I could not close the acorn
Once the oak began to grow
And I cannot close my heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go

And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go

Reflections on 2008

2008 started off to be a very promising year. In January, work looked up as I in line for a temporary promotion. The company was investing in a technology that would nearly automate the daily tag & bag process every TV station in the country goes through. I was brought in at the beginning stages to be the “Manager” of a new department that would be housed locally. It was to come with a higher salary. Basically, I was going to do all the leg work in setting up the process and procedures. Then, once the system was ready to go, part-time or entry level positions would maintain it. From there, I would go back to working my normal job at the new salary. Sadly, before the system was even ready for me to start working, engineering figured it was nearly impossible to implement due to the amount of RAM and processing power needed to run the entire (and I’m talking 30 or so stations networked across the country) system. So, by March or April that completely fell through.

Oh, and the company declared bankruptcy recently. Actually, I’m not too worried about that, layoff-wise. We are a hub for the entire company. And, we turn a decent profit. Plus, most of the debts are on the print side of things, and it’s most likely layoffs will come from that sector. Also, I’m probably one of the least expendable people in my department. But, really who knows? All I know is I’m not worried about it.

Theatre-wise, I did as much as I intended to do this year, which was pretty much nothing ‘cuz I needed a break. Well, nothing ON-stage. I worked on a few shows backstage for the money. And enjoyed every minute of it. Enjoyed it enough to put a little seed in the back of my head for a career change when I don’t have to have a stead income (ie: No kids; no responsibilities).

In fact, I realized that theatre was missing from my life, and in 2009, it will be theatre filled. First, I recently joined the board of directors for my local community theatre. That’s been quite interesting so far (and that’s quite the understatement). Now, I’ll be producing “Guilty Conscience” for CCP starting right at the beginning of the year. The show runs at the end of February and goes into March, but a lot of my work on it will be in January and February. Then, after that, I said I would work crew on “Ms. Saigon,” at Footlite Musicals for Noffke. That will take me into May. By then, we’ll be diving head first into “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” We’ve been working on that since March 2008 and it will be wonderful to actually cast the show and start rehearsals. After that, who knows. Hopefully, I’ll be able to work on “Frog and Toad” again in 2009. It’s just so much fun, and money to boot.

Then, the biggest news from 2008 – Tricia’s back surgery. It’s hard to believe that it’s taken up the last six months of our life. The bad pain started with an ER visit. Then a few Spine Dr. visits later, we knew she would need the surgery. That was in early September, and she’s hasn’t worked since Labor Day. That put a big strain on us financially. But, the good news is that we are at least floating and not dead in the water. In fact, she got the A-OK to return to work on January 5th. I hope that’s not too early nor too strenuous for her back, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t need her paycheck. Thankfully, most of the surgery bills were covered by insurance, but we will be paying our chunk of the bill for the next year. She’s healing quite well, by the way. Most of her back pain is gone. And, she’s thrilled to be able to get out of the house and back to work. She doesn’t deal well with sitting at home with nothing to do.

A bright spot has been the evolution of my relationship with my son. The teenage years have been very frustrating. But, I think I learned the key to it all – Understanding his language and communicating correctly. I don’t mean talking all, “OMG BBQ BFF Jill,” like the kids do these days. I mean hearing what he’s saying, not just the words, but the meaning. For example, when I say, “What are you up to?” what he hears is, “What kind of trouble are you getting into now?” So, his reply is, “Nothing” because he isn’t doing anything to get into trouble. But, that’s not what I’m asking and I can plainly see that he’s doing “Something.” After all, doing mundane things is still something. So, I would get frustrated because we were speaking different languages. Now, I think we have a better understanding of where we’re both coming from and the yelling has decreased significantly. Of course, there is the occasional, “I need you to clean this to my standards not yours,” argument. Followed by the, “It might not be yours to pick up but, either A) you took it out and therefore need to place it where it belongs, or B) I’m trying to get this other thing done and we need your help in other areas (it’s called contributing to help the family, now get off the couch!),” argument. But, yesterday, he gave me a hug for my birthday and, you know, that’s all I ever really wanted.

Changing the subject drastically, you know, I just haven’t been able to connect with God much this year. It’s not like I’m losing faith. No, I just haven’t had time to talk with Him like I should, or reflect on how He’s blessed me in the past year. I do believe He’s been taking care of us. But, I have trouble noticing those “small miracles” in life. I do need put more focus on God in the new year.

I guess that’s one of the things I’ve been struggling with: Do we ever reach a point where we don’t have to run as hard to keep up with God? Where our day-to-day actions with and for God come more naturally… I’m getting tired of going to bed thinking, “Crap, I didn’t get a chance to read the Bible or really sit down with God for a spell.” I don’t know…

Anyway, here’s hoping for an outstanding 2009! It’s gotta be better than 2008. I mean, the bar is pretty low…

Also, I know I'm not blogging much anymore. I don't have much interest in this anymore. I'm not saying I'm closing the shop, but just don't expect it to be open all the time. When the passion strikes me, I'll tap the keys. But, I posted 20 times (including this post) this year. 20% of that were updates on Tricia's back that were emailed to people anyway. I don't know when the next post will be or if there will be a next post. If there's a way to easily archive all of this, I might end up taking it down. I really don't know. I'm typing whatever comes out of my fingers right now, so I might just be talking... Stay tuned... Or don't... Or do...

In the meantime, here's a picture of Nikita sleeping under the Christmas tree:

UR not my dad

I've been waiting for it for 10 years now. And, it finally happened last night. I got the, "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my real dad." line. I am thankful that I had 10 years to prepare for that. I simply calmly responded, "Son, I might not be your 'dad' but I am one of your parents and the other parent agrees." That ended the trouble.

The kid's 14, and at that age were he knows everything, won't do anything, doesn't want his parents around, and hates the world - you know, a teenager. I was just like that (OMG... I just realized that was 20 years ago *shudder*). So, we just shrug off a lot of his angst because we know he doesn't really mean stuff like that.

Case in point. Last night, he also said, "Well, I'm just gonna leave and not come back," in anger. I just looked at him with an expression of, "Yeah... I'm not believing that." And he said, "Ok, I'm not really gonna do that." He was just angry at the situation he found himself in.

And what was that situation? Ah, well, he was grounded. And, he knew he was going to be grounded. You see, last weekend, he wanted a friend to sleep over. As is the rule of the house, he can have a friend sleep over if his room is clean. It's a rare occasion that someone sleeps over because when he is reminded of that rule, he takes the lazy way out and decides he'd rather not clean his room. I'm sure he told his friend the reason the sleepover wasn't going to happen was, "My dad said, 'no,'" and not the whole truth "...because my room's not clean."

Anyway, so later that day he asks if he and his friend can sleep over at someone else's house that same night. I don't think it's fair for him have a sleepover somewhere else when he was asking about a sleepover here. So, I said for him to get his room clean... which strangely enough he began with reckless abandon. He didn't finish, though, when it came time for them to leave. It was a good start on cleaning, but he had a long way to go, and I was holding firm on the room being clean. I'm such a horrible parent, no doubt...

So, a few minutes later, he wants to make a deal with me. My first thought is, No, because we've made numerous deals before and he hasn't lived up to his end of the deal. For example, over the summer, the opportunity to sleep over at a friend's house arose and he had to go right then. "Your room's not clean." "I'll make a deal with you." And, so he was to clean his room that weekend after the sleep over... Never got done and that's our bad for not following through with discipline. And that's something that is not going to happen again.

In the end, we strike a deal where he can sleep over that night (a Sunday with no school the next day) and he has until Friday at 9pm to clean and organize his room. If that feat was not accomplished, he was going to be grounded until his room was done, losing all TV privileges, all computer privileges, all Xbox360 privileges, all DVD watching privileges, all iPod privileges, and all going over to people's houses privileges. Yesterday was reckoning day.

Needless to say, he was grounded and none to pleased about it. But, he needs to learn the lesson of holding up his end of a deal and his responsibilities. In anger, he said what he said. And in anger, this morning, I'm sure he'll refuse to go work on him room. If he keeps that up, I will warn him that his cell phone will be confiscated after a certain time.

He needs to learn that in the real world there are consequences. He needs to learn that you can't just blow off your end of a bargain. That is what I am trying to teach him. As painful as, "You're not my dad, " can be, as difficult as being a parent to a hormonal teenager can be, I'm trying to keep two thoughts in mind:

Proverbs 19:18, "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death."

Proverbs 22:7, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old his will not turn from it."

These two Proverbs keep me strong. They help remind me that his words are said in anger, not what he really believes. They keep me focused on the results that won't come for 10 or 15 years.

He's a good kid. He's just a teenage one right now. He actually reminds me of me when I was that age. I think he'll be fine.

Update: (10:30am) This morning, he woke up and found me. He said, "Do you want to make some bacon with me?" But, the underlying tone and subtext was, "I'm sorry for what I said last night." We didn't have any bacon, though. Then, he said, "Well, I need to finish cleaning my room." I just smiled.

Update 2 (10:00pm): His room is clean. He took a long nap at one point. But, it's clean. :)

Just have to wait and worry...

My son asked me if I liked his new sunglasses. Being an honest person, I told him that I didn't because they're not my type of frames. Not a big deal. Then, I asked him where he got them. He said his friend - let's call the friend Freckles* - dropped them the other night and he picked them up.

A little backstory about the other night. My son was sleeping over at - let's call this one Seedub* - Seedub's house two nights ago. At 12:15am, I was awakened by a call on my cell phone. My son was calling me to come pick him from from Seedub's. Apparently, Freckles and another kid called to say they were coming over. They weren't invited. In fact, Freckles is such a jerk to be around that my son doesn't answer his calls or goes places Freckles will be. So, at around 11:30pm (well after curfew), there was a knock on Seedub's door. Freckles and the other kid are at the door. They are told they weren't invited and can't come in. So, Freckles and friend try to force they way in. The ensueing fracus is loud enough to disturb Seedub's mom, who decides the sleepover is over, hence the wake-up call. Freckles lost his sunglasses in the melee. And, now it would seem my son has them.

I told him he should be the better person and give the glasses back. Not exactly what a kid wants to hear. But, what I have been trying to get him to understand that doing what is right is what is important. And sometimes, that means doing something we don't want to do. In this case, that means giving the jerkyboy his rightful treasures. A humbling experience, no doubt, but one I think his character could use.

The thing I am worried about is I'm pretty sure he won't give the glasses back. My normal reaction would be to somehow force him to - Do it or you'e grounded. But that kind of defeats the purpose. I don't want to guilt him into doing the right thing. I just want him to do the right thing or be prepared to live with whatever the consequences are. Don't know what those could be. Threating to ground him is basically forcing him. He could end up in a fight over it, could be ostrizised from Freckles' group (whicfrom a parent's perspective may not be a bad thing), could be nothing ever comes of it. But, I can't help but think that he's better off turning the other cheek and humbling himself to this not-so nice kid.

Now, my immediate gut reaction was to bring the name, "Jesus," and his teachings up, but I think that would have fallen on deaf ears. I do not believe in forcing Christ on people, my family included, no matter how much I wish they would come to know Him has I have begun to. For now, I'm trying to lead by example - living the life and maybe they'll follow. So, I'm sticking to Proverbs 22:6 for now, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it." I really like that verse. It teaches us that sometimes the only way a child will learn is from their mistakes.

Training a child and teaching them are two different things. You can train someone to do the right thing, but it's up to them to do it. When they face that moment, they can choose to do the right thing or live with the consequences and the mistakes. You can tell a child not to stick a fork in the electric socket, but they may not truly learn why until they experience why it is a mistake to do so.

And that is the struggle of fatherhood. Metaphorically, I've stuck a fork in the socket and was shocked. I've learned from my experiences. But, he hasn't had enough experiences to learn everything. That only comes with time, and that waiting for him to learn. Doesn't mean I won't worry, though.

* All names have been changed.

In The Beginning...

Pardon the lack of posts for the past month. We went on vacation for two weeks visiting friends and family back in good ol' Louisiana. Nothing majorly eventful happened that I needs to be talked about other than we spent some great quality time with people we love and we did nothing else. It was quite nice to do nothing for two weeks. If you have the means, I highly recommend it. We did listen to Harry Potter and The Deadly Hallows and I won't spoil it for anyone. We stayed up extra late when we got home to finish the book. Good stuff.

Immediately after getting home, I auditioned for Children of Eden at Footlite Musicals. And, I'm quite happy to tell you that I have been cast as one of the Storytellers. I'll give you all the pertain info as the show gets nearer. Children of Eden is freely based on Genesis 1 - 9. That is, it's the story of the creation, Adam and Eve, the Fall, Cain and Abel all the way up to the flood and Noak's Ark. But, really, it's about father's and their relationship with their children.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - My biggest fear is that I am a bad dad. As my son gets older and in his teen years, I am beginning to worry more and more about what our relationship will be like when in 20 years. Am I teaching him the right things? Is he learning good habits from me? Will he learn responsibility? Is he picking up my bad habits? Is it too late to help him change certain habits? Time will only tell, I guess. Doesn't make me worry less that I'm not screwing up.

My dad, I see now and that's important, is a saint and I love him dearly. But, when I was growing up, I never saw his wisdom, I guess. His love for me, sure. But, I never understood why, for example, in one biddy basketball game my father the coach didn't put me into the game until midway through the third quarter and we had a good lead. You'd think coach's son would get some playing time. And, it kinda hurt that coach wouldn't put me in the game sooner. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized his wisdom - I suck at basketball. I think he was maybe just sparing me the pain of realizing I suck at such a young age. In fact, he was probably encouraging me more by letting me play when the situation was easier for me to handle, letting me get my confidence up.

There is no doubt my father is a kind and gentle soul. I'm sure there were times when he wanted to throttle me. I know there are times (especially now that I have a teenager) that I want to throttle my son. But, he never did. I think he spanked me maybe once or twice when I was a tot. I can't remember if he ever raised his voice in anger to me.

This is the kind of father my dad is. It's my favorite "being a father" story and it's not really about me. I was in high school and was awoken late one night by banging on my window. It was my sister's friend, Danny. He was trying to get me to help him with my sister who was drunk and violently puking out of his hatchback. She's 5 years older than me so was close to legal drinking age, if not over 21, at the time. Danny and I got her to the bathroom and in all the commotion, my dad woke up. He send me to bed and thanked Danny. He stayed up at least an hour or two taking care of my sister, putting her to bed and cleaning all the puke up. Around 7 o'clock in the morning, he bangs on her door and yells her name. He walks into her room with a skillet full of eggs and greasy bacon and his trademark twinkle in his eye. He wakes her up, putting the skillet in her face, asking her if she's ready for a nice, healthy breakfast. As memory serves, she bolted for the toilet and puked again. But, I honestly don't think she's been drunk ever since. He took care of her that night, and taught her a lesson about drinking too much. And, he did it without becoming unglued or angry, even though, he probably was upset that she was as drunk as she was.

That is the type of father I hope to be. More than I care to admit, I don't think that I am. I want my children to know I love them, but I also want them to understand there are evils in this world it is my duty to protect them from. This fatherhood thing is pretty tricky and I'm very worried about what happens to our relationship when the kid turns 18.

So, the read-through rehearsal last night was the first time I was able to sit down and absorb the words of this show. And good gravy, I'm glad I was sitting in the back corner because more than a few times I had to stop, take a breath, sniffle, and wipe a dot of moisture from my eye.

Early in the show, Father is telling Adam and Eve not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ask why and he responds (in song, natch):

"There are things a father knows
a child cannot.
I think you would agree
You're newer here than me
Have faith I have my reasons
You cannot see,
In your best interest...
So no more questions about that tree.

And therein lies the problem. Kids never understand until they are adults that their parents have been there, done that, and love them so much they don't want their kids to make the same mistakes. My problem is trying to figure when to stop him from making the mistakes I have make and when to let him learn from his own mistakes. And that's the my struggle. Too often, I think, I disallow him from making his mistakes, preventing him from learning from them.

***I don't think this is a show spoiler since the events are pretty much in Genesis, but I'll give you a SPOILER ALERT here just in case.***

In the end, after the flood, Father sings to his children (Noah & Family),

"Now, I know I cannot hold you
Till at last I let you be free."

If you see the show, I promise a teardrop by this point. And, ain't that the truth? The more we try to hold our children, the more they struggle to get free. I'm learning that to hold him close to my heart I have to let him go.

This journey into Eden I hope will be a time of great growth and learning for me. Not just a time to figure out how to be a better father, but build on established relationships and to love more than I think I do. Afterall, I believe the reason God created us was because he was lonely. And, he put that loniless into us so that we, too, would search for love and build our own relationships. Not just with him, but with others.