Okay

I ran across this statement/saying on the internet:



 I'm not sure I can agree with this statement.  Probably because if you ask me how I'm doing, I'm likely to respond with, "I'm okay."  To me, being okay conveys a sentiment of contentedness.  There's nothing bad or negative going on and, conversely, there's nothing super fantastic I can mention either.  I'm just ok.

For some reason when I say that I'm okay, people follow that up with, "What's the matter?" or something like.  Honestly, nothing is the matter.  Nothing is outstanding either.  I'm pretty good, thanks.

But, the above statement sees it much more pessimistically, no?  It implies things are, or at least, were, kinda screwed up.  They are maintaining despite these setbacks.

I see the point of the statement, just not sure I like the pessimistic outlook.  Lord knows I don't always rise above my faults and emotional problems.  And, I'm certainly don't think I'm letting my fears paralyze me.  At least, on most fronts.  But, I'd like to think I'm doing more than "okay."  "Okay" is like a C; it's average.  I think we need to strive for at least a B minus.

Are you doing okay?  What do you think?

Words coming out of my fingers

For five or six nights now, I've tried to sit down here and write something. Anything.  But, nothing seems to come out.  Not sure what to write/talk about.  Writer's block already?  Eh, it happens, I guess.  So, let's go all stream of conscience with this one.

Currently listening to Del Amitri's "Roll To Me."

Can't complain a whole heck of a lot right now.  Life's pretty groovy.  The kid has a job now.  Working at Little Caeser's.  That was good timing because he needs to not just be at home.  Seems like he's starting to get his life together right now.  Not that he needs to get things together and figured out at 17.  But, I think he's finally realizing the true meaning of being a "troubled kid" and he is not that.  Bored, perhaps.  But, not troubled.

We've had a friend of his staying with us for about 2 or 3 months now.  I believe is mother passed away some time ago.  And his father has a new family and doesn't want him to stay there.  So, he's got nowhere to live really.  This one is 20 and had some indiscretions in his past.  He came into the house on probation.  But, he, too, is a good kid getting his stuff together.  Unfortuneately for him, he didn't get the message about a meeting with his probation officer and ended up missing it.  Really through no fault of his own.  He didn't have a phone, so when the probation officer called the number he had, the people there never passed on the message.  Well, a few days ago, he had a court hearing for missing his probation meeting.  And, well, for the next 45 days, he won't be staying with us, but in jail for violating his probation.  The system sucks that way.  But, when he gets out, he'll have a phone, so that won't happen again.  He's on our family talk plan now and paying me for his phone.  Hope to make the time to go visit him - either my kid and myself or just the kid and friends - about once a week.

Ryan Adam's, "Come Pick Me Up"
"I wish you would/Come pick me up/Take me out/Fuck me up/Steal my records/Screw all my friends/They're all full of shit/With a smile on your face/And then do it again"

Why the hell do I like this song?  It's one of those songs you listen to after drinking a healthy amount of wine.  Oh.

Ok, I think I'm attracted to songwriters' who write really peppy, almost happy songs, about the most fucked up things.  Ryan Adam's is one.  Steven Page of BNL fame wrote some really depressing stuff that I enjoy maybe a little too much.  Maybe this is part of the reason I'm in tune with Liz Phair, and developing a fansination for Sylvia Plath.  Why are the most brilliant... expressionists... usually jam-packed with manic depression or have experienced extraordinary low points in their life?  Follow-up question:  If that is the case, why am I not writing more? Or why isn't writing lyrics/poems flowing more easily?  There's a thinker.

Here's another.  I've started writing some lyrics or poems but at some point I get out of the moment they are being written in and can't seem to finish them.  It's like the moment is past and it's difficult to get back into that frame of mind or... feel that same emotion... and let it come out on the page.  Something I wrote a few weeks ago, well, it just doesn't feel the same today.  Feelings changed and it feels almost like I'm betraying the original raw emotions behind it.  I said a long time ago in my youth that my songs are shit when I'm happy.  What I think are my most creative expressions have usually come out of times of pain and/or depression.  Would I trade a lifetime of happiness if it meant I'd never write a good song or poem again?  I have to say that I wouldn't.  I need those valleys just as much as I need the mountains.

I also think that I need my guitar again.

Dream Job

So, I saw this job is sitting out there... Creative Director, On-Air Promotions @ WWE.

And this one... Creative Writer @ WWE

Can you say "dream jobs?" I knew you could.

Old Posts

Since I've picked this blogging thing back up, I've gone through the archives, re-reading old thoughts and writings just to relive some memories and, well, see where I've come from to get an idea of where I'm going...

Here's some of my favorite posts:
(Does it make me sound narcissistic that I'm posting a list of my favorite writings, with additional commentary?  Gee, I must really love me...)

Faithfully- A glimpse into my love of Journey born out of my childhood.  I really like the story-telling in this one.

Visibly Invisible - This was a song I wrote 8 years ago according to the timestamp. It's about I person I once knew. The events never happened, but the person exists. No, I don't hate her. She's one of those people (when I knew her anyway) who should of been more than they were - if that makes any sense. A great person really, who just brings everyone down.

Jesus on the Radio - Actually, it's about Judas. This was written long before I came to walk with Christ. Looking back through my blog now, I see little signs of His calling me, but me not listening yet. Still, Judas is just a very interesting character to me.

A Rebirth - This was me acknowledging God was calling me to walk with Him and the start of a shift in the blog theme at times.

I Shall Call the Pebble, "Dare..." - This is without a doubt the most read post on my blog. Probably about once a day, someone googles the lyrics, and this post comes up. Certainly got the most comments.

Searching for God Knows What - An interesting (to me, at least) essay on my problem with Catholicism growing up.

God Works In Many, Sometimes Funny, Ways - Just a funny story about how I really hate beans. I like the writing.

God Moment - One of my favorite memories. I hope this story isn't one of those, "You had to be there" stories.

Butterfly - Another God moment. This story comes from my mission trip to Gulfport after Hurricane Katrina. It reminds me to slow down and look for God.

Ok. That's enough.  Reading through this was more difficult than I thought it would be.  You know how you don't like to hear your recorded voice played back?  How hearing the sound of your own voice is one of the most uncomfortable things you can hear, possibly more so than nails on the chalkboard?  Yeah, that's the equivalent of what reading through some of this was for me.  Reliving old wounds, seeing some of the same mistakes... Have I really changed?

Introspective

From "The Journals of Sylvia Plath:"

Be stoic when necessary and write - you have seen a lot, felt deeply, and your problems are universal enough to be made meaningful - WRITE.

As I read though Ms. Plath's journals, I'm nearly shocked at how similar our thinking is. She writes with such passion in her journals. I can't help but feel exactly the same way, not just as she states in the above quote, but strangely throughout the diary entries I've read so far.

But what confuses me somewhat is her use of the word "stoic." As defined, "stoic," means "of or pertaining to the school of philosophy founded by Zeno, who taught that people should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity." (On a side note, how different is stoicism from... Not Living?)

How can she write so passionately about love, grief, relationships, etc. yet be stoic about it? How can she be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and still write "To A Jilted Lover," or "Mad Girl's Love Song?"

How can I write stoicly?  Isn't the point, to put all my passion and heart into writing?

Perhaps what she means here is be stoic in life, but not on the written page.  Put all the emotion on to paper.

I'm quite happy that I'm rediscovering my voice.  Not just here, but I've started putting words - emotions - down on paper again.  Poems or potential lyrics.  They aren't great; certainly not good enough to share here yet.  But, I'm rediscovering that fire and I like it.  In fact, now I'm a bit sad that I gave my guitar away and haven't played a note of music in... well, a long time.

When did I change?  Did I somewhere lose the burning from the fire in my heart?  When was that?  When did I become stoic?

I never asked to be great.  Or famous.  Or recognized.  But I never wanted to be normal. 

Hell Freezing Over

There's a joke in South Louisiana that goes like this:

Boudreaux and Thibodaux both died and ended up in hell. The devil greets them and welcomes them to their everlasting torture.

"Is it too hot for you," asks Satan.

"Brah, we from South Luzianna. We used to da heat," Boudreaux told him. So, Satan cranks up the heat in hell.

"How about now? Is it too hot for you," he asks the cajuns. They both laugh.

"It jus' 'bout as hot as my gumbo wit da Tabasco sauce. Dis ain't hot," Thibodaux told him.

Frustrated, Satan gets an idea and turns the temperature down so low it starts snowing in Hell.

Boudreaux and Thibodaux start jumping up and down, screaming and hollering with glee. Satan doesn't understand their reaction, so he says, "I cranked the heat up and you loved it, so I froze the place and now your celebrating?!? What gives?"

They, continuing their celebration, replied, "THE SAINTS JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL!!!"

It took 43 years for the New Orleans Saints to reach this point, but they are finally here. And, the son of their most beloved icon stands in their way. That's pretty much how the Saints have rolled through out their franchise history. One disappointment after another.

For example, when Hartley lined up to kick the field goal that would ultimately send them to Miami, I can guaranty there was not one Saints fan who thought he would make it. After 43 years of, "Really, WTF?" we Saints fans are used to being let down. So, when Hartley split the uprights, before the raucous cheering, there was a brief half-second of silence. We had to make sure what we saw actually happened and we weren't dreaming.

This is what Saints fans are used to. A few years ago, we were playing the Jaguars and the playoffs were on the line. Win and get in, lose and no playoffs. Down 20-13 with :07 seconds left...

That's right. They pull off an incredible hook-n-ladder-esque finale only to have the kicker shank the PAT and lose. We haven't trusted a kicker since. How we missed ol' Morten Andersen, aka: The Saints Franchise all-time scoring leader... a field gold kicker is our all-time scoring leader. He last kicked for the Saints in 1994.

But that's the past and the future is now. And the Black and Gold boys are heading to the Super Bowl to face the Colts.

Growing up around New Orleans and now calling Indianapolis home, I perhaps have one of most unique perspectives on the Super Bowl XLIV. So, people are wondering who I am rooting for... Fair question.

In all honesty, I am going to happy no matter who wins. Though, my level of elation will be 1000x higher if the Saints win. Heck, I'll probably cry if they win. But,to be perfectly frank, while I will be rooting for the Saints, I expect the Colts will win. Here's why:

From where I sit, these are the two best teams in the NFL today. They are both #1 seeds. They both have a great quarterback. They both have outstanding O-Lines and D-Lines. They are so evenly matched, in my opinion, that you have to look at the unknowns.

The game is going to come down the following:
1. Quarterback protection - which ever team can get to the quarterback early and often is going to be in the great position to win. Sacks don't matter so much as rushing the QB into mistakes. As quickly as Drew Brees gets rid of the ball and as nasty as the Saints have been getting to the QB, I have to give the edge to the Saints here. ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

2. Turnovers - which ever team wins the turnover battle will have an edge. There's a reason why the Vikings had fumblitis. It's because the Saints don't just tackle the man with the ball, they swing their arm back and punch the ball out of the runners hand. The Vikings had 6 fumbles and only 1 was not caused by the Saints. That was the awkward hand-off between Favre and Peterson. The Colts caused 30 takeaways compared to the Saints 46 (regular and post-season combined). ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

3. Special Teams - Field position is everything. Percy Harvin never got a chance to run one back on the Saints for one reason - the ball was always unreturnable. The Saints kicked it out of the end zone most of night and the Vikings started alot of their drives with a long field. Reggie Bush is always a threat to at least put the Saints in good field position... unless he tries to be a hero and doesn't call a fair catch. Still... ADVANTAGE: SAINTS

4. Luck - Which way the ball bounces, how the refs call penalties, who wins the coin flip... I think the teams are so evenly matched that luck will be a big factor. ADVANTAGE: Hard to say since luck comes in the game. But, is there a more blessed team than the SAINTS?

So, there you have it. Colts are going to win. Wait, you say? Didn't you just explain why the Saints have many advantages against the Colts, you say?

Yep. I sure did. You see, as I said, I'm a Saints fan. I'm used to heart-wrenching disappointment. While I will be rooting for the Saints to win, I completely expect the Colts to break New Orleans' hearts... Probably involving a last second field goal.

But until then, WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAY SAY GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS? WHO DAT? GEAUX SAINTS!

Reflections on 2008

2008 started off to be a very promising year. In January, work looked up as I in line for a temporary promotion. The company was investing in a technology that would nearly automate the daily tag & bag process every TV station in the country goes through. I was brought in at the beginning stages to be the “Manager” of a new department that would be housed locally. It was to come with a higher salary. Basically, I was going to do all the leg work in setting up the process and procedures. Then, once the system was ready to go, part-time or entry level positions would maintain it. From there, I would go back to working my normal job at the new salary. Sadly, before the system was even ready for me to start working, engineering figured it was nearly impossible to implement due to the amount of RAM and processing power needed to run the entire (and I’m talking 30 or so stations networked across the country) system. So, by March or April that completely fell through.

Oh, and the company declared bankruptcy recently. Actually, I’m not too worried about that, layoff-wise. We are a hub for the entire company. And, we turn a decent profit. Plus, most of the debts are on the print side of things, and it’s most likely layoffs will come from that sector. Also, I’m probably one of the least expendable people in my department. But, really who knows? All I know is I’m not worried about it.

Theatre-wise, I did as much as I intended to do this year, which was pretty much nothing ‘cuz I needed a break. Well, nothing ON-stage. I worked on a few shows backstage for the money. And enjoyed every minute of it. Enjoyed it enough to put a little seed in the back of my head for a career change when I don’t have to have a stead income (ie: No kids; no responsibilities).

In fact, I realized that theatre was missing from my life, and in 2009, it will be theatre filled. First, I recently joined the board of directors for my local community theatre. That’s been quite interesting so far (and that’s quite the understatement). Now, I’ll be producing “Guilty Conscience” for CCP starting right at the beginning of the year. The show runs at the end of February and goes into March, but a lot of my work on it will be in January and February. Then, after that, I said I would work crew on “Ms. Saigon,” at Footlite Musicals for Noffke. That will take me into May. By then, we’ll be diving head first into “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” We’ve been working on that since March 2008 and it will be wonderful to actually cast the show and start rehearsals. After that, who knows. Hopefully, I’ll be able to work on “Frog and Toad” again in 2009. It’s just so much fun, and money to boot.

Then, the biggest news from 2008 – Tricia’s back surgery. It’s hard to believe that it’s taken up the last six months of our life. The bad pain started with an ER visit. Then a few Spine Dr. visits later, we knew she would need the surgery. That was in early September, and she’s hasn’t worked since Labor Day. That put a big strain on us financially. But, the good news is that we are at least floating and not dead in the water. In fact, she got the A-OK to return to work on January 5th. I hope that’s not too early nor too strenuous for her back, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t need her paycheck. Thankfully, most of the surgery bills were covered by insurance, but we will be paying our chunk of the bill for the next year. She’s healing quite well, by the way. Most of her back pain is gone. And, she’s thrilled to be able to get out of the house and back to work. She doesn’t deal well with sitting at home with nothing to do.

A bright spot has been the evolution of my relationship with my son. The teenage years have been very frustrating. But, I think I learned the key to it all – Understanding his language and communicating correctly. I don’t mean talking all, “OMG BBQ BFF Jill,” like the kids do these days. I mean hearing what he’s saying, not just the words, but the meaning. For example, when I say, “What are you up to?” what he hears is, “What kind of trouble are you getting into now?” So, his reply is, “Nothing” because he isn’t doing anything to get into trouble. But, that’s not what I’m asking and I can plainly see that he’s doing “Something.” After all, doing mundane things is still something. So, I would get frustrated because we were speaking different languages. Now, I think we have a better understanding of where we’re both coming from and the yelling has decreased significantly. Of course, there is the occasional, “I need you to clean this to my standards not yours,” argument. Followed by the, “It might not be yours to pick up but, either A) you took it out and therefore need to place it where it belongs, or B) I’m trying to get this other thing done and we need your help in other areas (it’s called contributing to help the family, now get off the couch!),” argument. But, yesterday, he gave me a hug for my birthday and, you know, that’s all I ever really wanted.

Changing the subject drastically, you know, I just haven’t been able to connect with God much this year. It’s not like I’m losing faith. No, I just haven’t had time to talk with Him like I should, or reflect on how He’s blessed me in the past year. I do believe He’s been taking care of us. But, I have trouble noticing those “small miracles” in life. I do need put more focus on God in the new year.

I guess that’s one of the things I’ve been struggling with: Do we ever reach a point where we don’t have to run as hard to keep up with God? Where our day-to-day actions with and for God come more naturally… I’m getting tired of going to bed thinking, “Crap, I didn’t get a chance to read the Bible or really sit down with God for a spell.” I don’t know…

Anyway, here’s hoping for an outstanding 2009! It’s gotta be better than 2008. I mean, the bar is pretty low…

Also, I know I'm not blogging much anymore. I don't have much interest in this anymore. I'm not saying I'm closing the shop, but just don't expect it to be open all the time. When the passion strikes me, I'll tap the keys. But, I posted 20 times (including this post) this year. 20% of that were updates on Tricia's back that were emailed to people anyway. I don't know when the next post will be or if there will be a next post. If there's a way to easily archive all of this, I might end up taking it down. I really don't know. I'm typing whatever comes out of my fingers right now, so I might just be talking... Stay tuned... Or don't... Or do...

In the meantime, here's a picture of Nikita sleeping under the Christmas tree:

Theatre Snob? Moi?

Sometimes, I think I'm a "theatre snob." I see a lot of shows in a year and there's not a whole lot of them I think are good. I know a good show when I see one, and I'm pretty sure I know a bad show when I see one. While I can appreciate the hard work, thought and effort that goes into creating a production, there's a difference between appreciating the effort and seeing a good show.

***Warning to my theatre friends, you might not like this post. If I say something about your show, please take it in the constructive criticism vain it is given.***

In the past month, I've seen three shows that numerous others have lavished praise on. When I say, "lavished praise," I mean what others say completely differs from what I saw and would say about the show. One show was actually quite good.

"Bare," presented by All Alike Productions and Zach Rosing Productions was one of the better shows I've seen all year (Check out some highlites here). Admittedly, my expectations were low because there wasn't much money to put into production values. But, the cast and crew did a good job putting the story together and forming a show that exceeds the production values. The only nitpicks I have about this show is a costuming detail and a thought about a leading lady. It's set in a Catholic High School where students are seemingly required to wear uniforms. But if memory serves, there was one or two "uniforms" that didn't match the others. By that I mean, most were in a blue and green plain skirt, and one or two were in a red and yellow plaid. My colors might be off, but the point is they were radically different from each other. As far as the leading lady, she created a great character and had some great moments. She has one hell of an emotional song in Act 2. Other's thought it was lovely. I would say it sounded like she was taught the song, but not trained to sing it. That is, some of the parts were at the top of her range and there was a bit of a "scream" to her singing. Of course, my ears are more sensitive to little things like that. So, take it for what it's worth. The emotion and the character were there, just a bit screechy for my ears.

Also, April, if you read this... You OWNED that character. That was the best I have ever seen you.

Then, there's "Seussical" from CCP. Actually, the only people I've heard saying great things about it where the people that were apart of the show. I'll say that right of the bat it would be difficult for me to enjoy ANY production of "Seussical." The book is just bad. Needless to say, I did not like it, Sam I am. Now, the leads were good in their roles. But some of the production staff's choices left me scratching my head.

For instance, they probably spent over $3,000 renting, buying costumes and wigs for the various characters. The Who's were all pink. If it was pink, it was worn. My problem isn't the color, it's lack of continuity. The Who's wore probably 10 different eras of clothing (60s, 70s, 80s, etc) but nothing went together. Kind of a hodgepodge of pink, rather than a thought out design choice. Then, at the very beginning, all of the Who's come out wearing their show T-shirt. When I realized one character had come out in this orange "Seussical" shirt, I thought he got to the theatre late and didn't have time to change. Next scene, they're all in their pink.

And, for some reason, some of the animals were "Lion King" inspired costumes, while others seemed to be actual animals, and still others were human personification of animals. I appreciate the effort to bring all this out, but the lack of continuity and vision really hurt the costuming.

Let's not talk about the lighting, sound, and orchestra.

Which brings me to "Pippin." "Pippin" made me a little mad. I've worked with most of the leads in Pippin. I've seen their and most of the staff's work, respect them all, and know of what they are capable. Still, the show left me kind of empty. So, much potential on that stage...

Actually, I think the "circus performer" concept and design was a great idea for the show. It was an interesting way to present the story. The execution wasn't all there though. If the leading player is supposed to be the "Ringmaster" of the "circus" and the ensemble are all "circus performers," why not the supporting characters and leads? I didn't see that they related to "circus" atmosphere at all.

There was a lot of hype on Indiana Auditions about the "magic" tricks in the show. Perhaps, that hyping is why I felt underwhelmed by the actual tricks. Aside from a sword-swallowing bit (that was throw away, off to the side to be completely missed if you weren't paying attention to that performer), there were two other magics tricks. Tricks that didn't exactly mystify me and all too easy to figure out the "trick" to them. Again, for the hype, I was expecting more and better magic. So, maybe the hype let me down.

Now, the acting was fine, the choreo was good (the actual dancing was off though), the songs sung well (Really, Ginger, the music was a high point for us), the set and stage design was brillant, as were the lighting design. But, all in all, it was a mediocre show.

I guess what bugs me is that mediocre seems to have become acceptable in theatre around here. Again, I can appreciate the hard work, the effort and the thought that every single one of the performers, staff and crew puts into any show. But, friends, don't settle for mediocre with your art.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just a theatre snob. Is that bad?

Little Nikita

This is Nikita. Other names include, Kiki, Little Nikki, Darling Nikki, and of course, Emma Sucker.

Emma Sucker, as in I AM A SUCKER!

The count is cats 4, people 3, dogs 1.

Let's see if I can figure out how this happened. We start with the cats, and add the dog. The other day, my son calls home and said he "rescued" a kitten and he's bringing it home to take care off. While he's walking home, the wife and I decide... well, *I* decide that we can give the kitten a temporary home while we look for a home. No giving the kitten a name. It's not allowed.

Speaking of finding the kitten a home...

FREE 4mo. FEMALE KITTEN TO GOOD HOME. Up to date shots. Will release to good owner after she's been spayed. Send application of adoption to ML via the interwebs. Please include a letter of recommendation from 3 sources, and a 5 page essay on why you think you would be a great owner for this kitten.

There, I tried.

So, we set the other cats up in another room in order to keep them away from this kitten while she's here. This is so they don't contract any diseases the stray might have. And, so we can slowly introduce the kitten to them.

Turns out, the kitten has fleas. Immediate flea bath. 2 of them, and the wife and I are picking and killing fleas off the kitten until 1am. I couldn't sleep that night because I was being attacked by fleas and itched the whole night. That's not true. I wasn't bitten at all, but the though entered by brain and stuck. I still feel itchy today.

The next day, I buy more flea treatment stuff - a spray for bedding that kills 'em and flea collars for the cats. They are indoor cats and we don't do any regular flea treatment because of that.

I get home from work and the kid is apparently calling it "Kiki." *grumble* Don't get me wrong, "Kiki" is cute and purry and all. And, she's been working all her angles in hopes of staying. She's already got the wife and kid. She's been working me over by cuddling with me when I sleep and being all cute and purry and all.

Trying to be responsible, I take her to the Low Cost Spay/Neuter Clinic for tests and shots. They give her good flea treatment that kills'em all. And she's tested negative for Feline leukemia and FIV. Since she's healthy, we've allowed the other cats to meet her. The office assistants asked me what to put down for a name. Steadfastly, I said, "Just put 'Kitty,'" explaining the situation. Temporary home and all. They teased, "You should just name it. You've got 3. What's another?" HA HA HA.

Not funny.

Hannah has been all hissy with "Kiki." Misfit has been all hissy with everyone after meeting "Kiki." Jack didn't care and Scooby (the dog) was fine with "Kiki." I was hoping to play the angle "We can't keep it because the other cats don't get along with it." Unfortunately, "Kiki" has suckered the other hissy cats. They have been spotted playing together. By playing, I mean pawing and running around each other without the hissing.

If you ask me, she looks Russian. So, I thought, "Nikita," would be a proper name. And, there's the problem. I broke my own rule. It started going downhill from there.

The thing I'm trying to focus on is that this kitten has sparked a greater interest in an idea I've had. For some time, I have been thinking about starting a non-profit no-kill shelter for strays and injured cats. I've never mentioned it because it was just a thought in the back of my brain. And it wasn't something I would have thought to actually do before retirement. I don't know. It just a thought.

But, I'll keep that thought in the back of my mind for now because I'm realizing Nikita already has found a home. And that's enough.

Working for a living

Whenever someone asks me what I do for a living, I give them a canned answer, "Basically, I make commercials about the shows on my station." Then, I gauge their interest and reaction and continue explaining if they seem like they want more than that. This includes lines like, "Sometimes, I have to watch episodes of Family Guy all day long" or, "Watching TV at home is akin to bringing work home." All of that is true.

But, while I had nothing to do with creating this video, it explains what I do for a living much better than I do.

This is random

Man, I'm in a weird place right now. There's a lot of good in the air right now surrounding my life. Good stuff that I want to talk about, but can't because of various reasons. Mostly, I don't want to say anything until I am sure things are going to happen. I hate to say, "This is going to happen," and then it not happen. Though, my patience is starting on wear thin on a few things... But, if all of the goodness actually happens, well, life will indeed be good.

It's the not happening that I fear. And I guess that's where I'm at right now. I feel like want to simultanously jump for joy and curl up in a fetal position and cry. I'm feel like I'm being pulled in two directions by completely different forces.

Being a father sucks. No, it doesn't. But, it does suck when you get slapped in the face by seeing traits you hate about yourself in your child. It makes be realize that I haven't been the best role model. Truly, the best way a child learns "good" behavior is not from discipline, but from example. Meaning, if you want your kid to read more, you need to read more in front of them (this is not a personal example - though I do need to read more). If you want them to keep their room clean, you need to keep your room (and the rest of the house) clean. Leading by example is a far better tool than discipline. The caveat is, of course, they learn those "bad" behaviors from you, too.

I need to redouble my efforts with God. It's not that I'm not down with God and where He's leading me. I'm just finding it difficult to see His works in my daily life. That is not His fault, as I do have faith he is working in my life. I am just having trouble seeing it because I'm not doing my part of in seeking Him like I should be. I need to find time in my day to read the Bible and pray. I need to stop thinking I need to find the time because that's what I do more than not, and take some freaking action on it.

Mythbusted

We signed up for AT&T Uverse. That's ATT&T version of cable. So, we have cable now. Woo Hoo. We now have too many choices of channels to watch and end up wasting what time we have to watch tv just flipping channels.

At the very least, the geek in me gets to watch Mythbusters. I freaking love that show. And as much as I am crushing on Carrie, I have found a little *ahem** nugget that makes me love her more...



Here, the Mythbusters attempt to prove, "Do Pretty Girls Fart?"

2 months and what?

Wow. So, I pretty much haven't blogged in about 2 months. A lot of that is time, rather lack there of. A huge chunk of that is waning interest. If I were more interested, I'd probably make more time to do this. Alas. I've been thinking about closing shop. But who the heck knows what I'll end up doing... I'm posting this, ain't I?

Yeah, we ended up adopting the dog. His name is now Rufus, though he responds to Scooby. He's a great dog and we love him. My parents are in town right now and mom has a pet/fur phobia. But, he's doing a good job of not freaking her out too much. I think his previous owners fed him a lot of human food, or at least allowed him to eat table scraps. That's likely why he's overweight. Plus, we cannot walk into the kitchen for any reason without him trying to follow us. It's difficult to eat dinner with a snout sniffing your plate, too. So, we're hoping to change that behavior. It's slow-going. We do allow him to eat cottage cheese with his regular food. It's supposed to help with the dander and shine on his coat. It's funny because he'll jump like a bunny rabbit when he sees he's getting cottage cheese.

I don't have a lot to report. I'm in "Assassins" and that closes this weekend. After which, I'll be taking a long, much needed break from theatre. Don't know how long, but I need time with my family, I need to make more time for God. This hasn't been the best year for keeping my connection with God. I don't mean I'm losing faith. I'm just not talking to him like I used to, which I believe is a direct result of not making time for God.

Speaking of God, I've moved on to a new church. Maybe that's part of my disconnect from God. Not the new church, but the feelings and reasons for leaving the old church. In truth, I just haven't felt connected to any of the people at The Crux. I haven't been there since September. And a few events have solidified for me that I made the right decision in moving on to a new place. For instance, not a single person from the Crux has tried to contact me to see what I've been up to or anything. A smallish church - under 300 people in the congregation - that I was an active participant of (small groups and service teams) and not one email or phone call... other than mass emails like prayer requests, etc. I've run into someone who was in my small group twice. During that second run-in, he told me that he was talking to the small group leader the other day and that we ran into each other. The small group leader apparently couldn't recall what I looked like... Now, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he was teasing me because I haven't been to that church in a while. Like, since my face hasn't been around in a while, it was fading from their memory and that I should go back so they remember me... I'd give him that he was making a joke... It still left a bad taste in my mouth...

So, I'm at a mega church... which probably goes against everything I thought I was looking for in a small church. You see, I liked the small intimateness of knowing everybody, at least in name, at the Crux. This church I'm at now has near around 5,000 members and 4 services. I haven't really had a chance to meet people and socialize there yet. In the coming weeks, there is a "Meet and Greet" for new members that I'm hoping to attend with my wife. And then after that, we'll see. I have completely enjoyed the services and the message so far.

Tangent... Sometimes, I wonder if I'm an asshole or just really shy and quirky. I'm not going to explain that right now, but I'll probably address that at some point... Huh... Guess I'm not giving the bloggin' thing up yet.

In The Beginning...

Pardon the lack of posts for the past month. We went on vacation for two weeks visiting friends and family back in good ol' Louisiana. Nothing majorly eventful happened that I needs to be talked about other than we spent some great quality time with people we love and we did nothing else. It was quite nice to do nothing for two weeks. If you have the means, I highly recommend it. We did listen to Harry Potter and The Deadly Hallows and I won't spoil it for anyone. We stayed up extra late when we got home to finish the book. Good stuff.

Immediately after getting home, I auditioned for Children of Eden at Footlite Musicals. And, I'm quite happy to tell you that I have been cast as one of the Storytellers. I'll give you all the pertain info as the show gets nearer. Children of Eden is freely based on Genesis 1 - 9. That is, it's the story of the creation, Adam and Eve, the Fall, Cain and Abel all the way up to the flood and Noak's Ark. But, really, it's about father's and their relationship with their children.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - My biggest fear is that I am a bad dad. As my son gets older and in his teen years, I am beginning to worry more and more about what our relationship will be like when in 20 years. Am I teaching him the right things? Is he learning good habits from me? Will he learn responsibility? Is he picking up my bad habits? Is it too late to help him change certain habits? Time will only tell, I guess. Doesn't make me worry less that I'm not screwing up.

My dad, I see now and that's important, is a saint and I love him dearly. But, when I was growing up, I never saw his wisdom, I guess. His love for me, sure. But, I never understood why, for example, in one biddy basketball game my father the coach didn't put me into the game until midway through the third quarter and we had a good lead. You'd think coach's son would get some playing time. And, it kinda hurt that coach wouldn't put me in the game sooner. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized his wisdom - I suck at basketball. I think he was maybe just sparing me the pain of realizing I suck at such a young age. In fact, he was probably encouraging me more by letting me play when the situation was easier for me to handle, letting me get my confidence up.

There is no doubt my father is a kind and gentle soul. I'm sure there were times when he wanted to throttle me. I know there are times (especially now that I have a teenager) that I want to throttle my son. But, he never did. I think he spanked me maybe once or twice when I was a tot. I can't remember if he ever raised his voice in anger to me.

This is the kind of father my dad is. It's my favorite "being a father" story and it's not really about me. I was in high school and was awoken late one night by banging on my window. It was my sister's friend, Danny. He was trying to get me to help him with my sister who was drunk and violently puking out of his hatchback. She's 5 years older than me so was close to legal drinking age, if not over 21, at the time. Danny and I got her to the bathroom and in all the commotion, my dad woke up. He send me to bed and thanked Danny. He stayed up at least an hour or two taking care of my sister, putting her to bed and cleaning all the puke up. Around 7 o'clock in the morning, he bangs on her door and yells her name. He walks into her room with a skillet full of eggs and greasy bacon and his trademark twinkle in his eye. He wakes her up, putting the skillet in her face, asking her if she's ready for a nice, healthy breakfast. As memory serves, she bolted for the toilet and puked again. But, I honestly don't think she's been drunk ever since. He took care of her that night, and taught her a lesson about drinking too much. And, he did it without becoming unglued or angry, even though, he probably was upset that she was as drunk as she was.

That is the type of father I hope to be. More than I care to admit, I don't think that I am. I want my children to know I love them, but I also want them to understand there are evils in this world it is my duty to protect them from. This fatherhood thing is pretty tricky and I'm very worried about what happens to our relationship when the kid turns 18.

So, the read-through rehearsal last night was the first time I was able to sit down and absorb the words of this show. And good gravy, I'm glad I was sitting in the back corner because more than a few times I had to stop, take a breath, sniffle, and wipe a dot of moisture from my eye.

Early in the show, Father is telling Adam and Eve not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. They ask why and he responds (in song, natch):

"There are things a father knows
a child cannot.
I think you would agree
You're newer here than me
Have faith I have my reasons
You cannot see,
In your best interest...
So no more questions about that tree.

And therein lies the problem. Kids never understand until they are adults that their parents have been there, done that, and love them so much they don't want their kids to make the same mistakes. My problem is trying to figure when to stop him from making the mistakes I have make and when to let him learn from his own mistakes. And that's the my struggle. Too often, I think, I disallow him from making his mistakes, preventing him from learning from them.

***I don't think this is a show spoiler since the events are pretty much in Genesis, but I'll give you a SPOILER ALERT here just in case.***

In the end, after the flood, Father sings to his children (Noah & Family),

"Now, I know I cannot hold you
Till at last I let you be free."

If you see the show, I promise a teardrop by this point. And, ain't that the truth? The more we try to hold our children, the more they struggle to get free. I'm learning that to hold him close to my heart I have to let him go.

This journey into Eden I hope will be a time of great growth and learning for me. Not just a time to figure out how to be a better father, but build on established relationships and to love more than I think I do. Afterall, I believe the reason God created us was because he was lonely. And, he put that loniless into us so that we, too, would search for love and build our own relationships. Not just with him, but with others.

This Day Has To Get Better

6:10am - Alarm goes off. Strangely, I'm awake enough to turn it off and get up and not hit the snooze button. Usually, I'm snoozing from 5:30 until 6:30am.
6:45am - Showered, dressed and out the door.
6:57am - Flat tire on I-465 Loop.
6:58am - Get out jack and necessary tools. My spare tire is underneath my truck bed and I have to lower it with a special tool.
6:59:30am - Remember about the 1st time I changed a flat on my truck and how it took me over an hour to get the spare tire down. Of course, that was at 4am in the morning and I was completely hammered then.
7:01am - Got the spare down
7:02am - Jack the car up.
7:03am - Remembered the easiest technique to getting the lug nuts off. Loosen them while the tire is down on the ground, then jack the car up. Use the nut-thingy (I'm blanking on the tool's name, it's the crowbar thingy with the nut-thingy on one end) on the lug nut and spin the tire instead of turning the tool. Let the tire do the work.
7:03:30am - Lower the car.
7:04am - Attempt to loosen the first lug nut. Not even budging. I think, "Righty Tighty - Lefty Loosey" and confirm I'm pushing the right way.
7:08am - No lug nut even budges.
7:08:15am - Curse.
7:15am - Position the tool-thingy on a lug nut and step on tool. Massive gerth allows for successful loosening of lug nuts.
7:17am - Lug nugs off.
7:20am - Flat tire off and in truck bed.
7:21am - Spare tire on.
7:22am - Lug nuts tightened.
7:24am - All tools back in car.
7:24:30am - Start to pull away and hear chain clanging noise.
7:24:45am - Realize I need to raise the chain that holds the spare tire up.
7:25am - Raising the chain.
7:26am - Realize I'm a dirty, sweaty mess as I pull off.
7:30am - Stop at McDonalds to clean up.
7:31am - McDonald's soap sucks and the faucet is automatic.
7:37am - Give up cleaning hands. They were as clean as they could get.
7:39am - Stop at gas station to give extra air to space
7:39:30am - Notice Out of Order Sign on Air Machine
7:41am - Ask store clerk if they know of another air machine nearby since there's isn't worked. They said it was and they'd turn it on if I took the Out of Order sign off.
7:43am - Hey! It does work. Oh, the connecting piece broke off when I touched it.
7:43:30am - Fuck it! Plow through.
7:46am - Tire inflated.
7:47am - Decide to stop at the Target behind gas station for a change of clothes.
7:48am - Target opens at 8am.
7:49am - Call home to tell Wife about flat.
7:58am - Call work to say I'll be late.
8:00:02am - Enter Target.
8:10am - Procure 2 undershirts, a new polo shirt and pair of jeans.
8:11am - Check out and head to bathroom to clean up.
8:12am - Enter stall and change into new clothes.
8:20am - Exit stall and wash up. Target's bathrooms at least had manual faucets.
8:22am - Leave Target and head to work.
8:30am - Arrive at work where there's not a lot to do.

So that was my morning so far. I've got stuff to install on our Avids. At least the day ends with seeing "High School Musical" on stage with some good friends. That should wash away my morning... until I get the bill for a new tire...

Pity Party

I'm having a pity party and you are invited. Please attend.

You know, I don't know if I'm getting tired of blogging or I just feel like I'm talking to myself or what. Some days, I feel like what's the point of keeping my thoughts out there. Other days, I remind myself why. Other days, that reason isn't enough.

Today, I am wondering if anyone would notice if I never posted here again. But, I think that's me just having a pity party. There's important work to be done here, right?

Why do I blog? I'm not a political ranter, though I do enjoy discussing political ideas. I don't wax poetic on the news of the day. And I really don't want this to be a blog that talks about every stupid detail of my day. Please do me a favor and shoot me if I am doing that.

So, what's the blog for? At this point, I honestly just hope that my thoughts on God, Jesus, faith, etc... well, i can only hope that it makes a difference to some one at their time of need.

I imagine some lost soul googling something and tripping they way to my blog only to read a post like this or this. And, that somehow that person's life is changed for the better - like showing my faith made a difference.

In fact, that's something I pray for. I ask God to give me the opportunity to show one person the next day what His love and mercy is. I don't mean I want the chance to browbeat a non-believer into believing. But, I do want to show that person God's kindness and maybe loosen a brick from the wall that's keeping them from God.

But, then I look at the archive list and see on average I've posted less than three times in the past eight months. Obviously, something ain't right. I'm not sure what it is. Is it me being lazy? Have I run out of things to say? Is it me seeing stats that say maybe 4 people visit this place a day (and I'm not 100% sure that it's not just me visiting)? Is my message turning people away? Am I *gasp* boring? You tell me.

In a previous post, I wrote:

"Ecclesiastes 12:10 says, “The Teacher searched to find just the right words, and what he wrote was upright and true.” When it comes to blogging, I can think of no better level to aspire to. When it comes to writing about Christ and God’s truth, I relentlessly pray God will help me find the right words and that they will be interpreted as true. That’s all I hope for this blog to be."

I'm still down with that idea. I just don't seem to be following through. You tell me, am I?

denyPOD

Excuse my ignorance, I don't have an iPod or mp3 player. But what's the point of an iPod if you make it illegal to use one while walking?

Ban Proposed On Walking While Talking, Listening To iPod

Seriously, I gotta think one of the best uses of an iPod is while you're walking, running, getting exercise. So, in New York City, where they are banning trans fat for health reasons, they don't want you to exercise now? Sorry, I really don't get that...

Dude, Where's My Card?

Daddy's finally got a new computer.

Daddy would be me. Dude, I got a Dell. But, Daddy's not completely happy about it. It was supposed to come with a firewire 1394 IEEE card. 'Cause half the point of the new computer was so Daddy could do some video editing at home. But, no card means no way to digitize footage.

All is not lost however. Dell's customer service was gone by the time I realized it was missing. So, I am planning to call them soon. There is an expansion slot for it, so one way or another Daddy's gettin' that card.

The bonus is that we're no longer on dialup. That's right, we've been on dial up for a long frickin' time. As soon as AT&T turns switch on, we'll be high-speed. WHHEEEEEE! Of course, that means we don't have the internet for a few days. The only good access I have is at work and that's really not a good option. We can check email from our phones... some of the time. So, if you're trying to contact us this week, have patience.

I need to figure out what stuff on the old computer we want to keep. Pictures and stuff like that. I'll probably just transfer that stuff to a zip drive for store. Yeah, a zip drive. That's how only that computer is. It runs Win98... really slowly. The sound card finally gave out a few months ago. We've raised that computer from the dead so many times...

Well, Daddy's gotta call Dell...

Update: Daddy's gotta get a "low profile" PCI card or a Firewire/USB adaptor cable. My thin box is too small for Dell's regular sized PCI cards. Saw the card on ebay for a total of $20 (that's including shipping). So, I don't think it's gonna be a big deal for me to get that card... Maybe Santa will leave one in my stocking... And no internet at home until December 15th.

Blah Blah

FUCK! I'm a grump right now. Me thinks it has to do with Halloween and my lack of participation this year. Past years, I'd at least make an effort. But, this year it's like pulling teeth to get me to do anything. I don't know why exactly. Everyday, my son would ask if I've decided what I wanted to go as and everyday I had nothing. So, I'm at work in my regular clothes and I'm getting more annoyed 'cause just about everyone seems dressed up. If I wasn't in this mood, I'd probably enjoy their efforts more, but it's really getting annoying. That's all on me. No ill towards anyone else...

Talked to God for a while last night. I hadn't really done that in some time. The amazing thing about God is that while I've been running in the wrong direction, He's still pursuing me. He won't give up on me. I'm getting more and more comfortable relying on God.

That darn acting bug bites hard. I'm very interested... VERY INTERESTED... in auditioning for a musical version of the Full Monty. Yes, that means if I get the part I'd be naked on stage. But with the way it's lit, the audience wouldn't see anything. Actually, I'm not really concerned about the being naked for all of Indy to see my bits and pieces. I really think it would be a positive thing - embracing my fatness, comfortable with my body thing - for me. I'm more worried about time spent away from family during rehearsals. It looks like January - March for times a week for rehearsals. That's alot of time, but all shows really do that.

"Nuts" opened and was very well received. The audiences were small (around 20 a show) but that's 1/3 of the audience for this space. And, opening weekends are generally small there, too. Still, we got a lot of buzz and a great review. Hopefully, audiences will pick up on that and start filling up. This show needs to be sucessfull, if only to show that Carmel audiences will support a theater that produces edgier fare. This is important to me.

Well, I'm off to find a better mood. Lunch outside the office I think will help.

"Woke up today to everything grey and all that I saw just kept going on and on..."

-- Guster
What You Wish For
Lost and Gone Forever

Everything Grey. What an interesting thought. It's not black. It's not white. It's not definate. It just is. It's an amalgam of all sorts of things.

Everything.

Grey.