Five-Seven-Five

A long, long time ago, I used to write more. Poems - generally, badly written ones - were my thing. I think I'd like to maybe get back to that again. In the meantime, here's some haikus:

These haikus of mine,
Like rivers, they ebb and flow
Written over time.

The thing that is best
And the heart's true desire
Are never the same.

As the last leaf falls,
The sun pays attention and
The giving tree grows.

I could write more poems
Of grander size, theme and scope.
But who has the time?

Worst. Dad. Ever.

I just want to understand why or how I became the Worst. Dad. Ever.

Is it wrong to be honest with your child? Is it wrong to warn them how unfair and cruel the world is? Is it blasphemy to try to teach them respect and discipline? Can a father not point out where mistakes were made, how to better handle a situation the next time, and maybe most importantly, understand that actions have consequences?

Isn't that my job as a parent? To say, hey, I understand that you are a free spirit and I get that and I love you and your individuality. But, the world thinks that tattooed 17-year-old's without a GED or diploma can only flip burgers or be fry cooks. Yes, it's unfair, but that's reality. And that means you have to work 10 times as hard as everyone else to achieve your dreams and goals. Your goals are achievable, but you have to do to work to reach them. I just want to make sure you understand that. I don't have a problem with certain choices you have made.

Yet, this is not love? This is not caring?

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my son. Not my step-son. MY son. I am just frustrated with how my love comes across. I am frustrated that I struggle with the balance between giving him space to learn and grow and keeping him leashed to reality. Somehow, that unbalance is perceived as... un-love... (Hate is the opposite of love, and certainly the wrong word).

And, if you do read this one day, please understand I am not criticizing you. In fact, this is a lot more about what I perceive as my own failures, frustrations and insecurities. I want to know one day before I die that I didn't screw up my one and only opportunity to be a father. You may not understand it now, but I hope you one day see that my frustration is proof that I do love, care and respect you. If I didn't, I wouldn't have such a passionate response.

My only fault is caring and loving too damn much. I'm sure his grandfather would, with a twinkle of wisdom in his eye, say, "Like Father. Like Son."

Since we are made in God's image, we feel the same passionate emotions. I bet He feels the same frustration with His and my relationship as I do with ours.

"Hardest Part of Love" lyrics from Children of Eden:

Oh this son of mine I love so well
And all the toil it takes
I'd give to him a garden and keep clear of snakes
But the one thing he most treasures is to make his own mistakes
He goes charging on the cliffs of life
A reckless mountaineer
I could help him not to stumble
I could warn him what to fear
I could shout until I'm breathless
And he'd still refuse to hear

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go

As a child I found a sparrow
Who had fallen form the nest
And I nursed him back to health till he was stronger than the rest
But when I tried to hold it
It would peck and scratch my chest
Till I let it go
And I watched it fly away from me
With it's brightened self resolve
And part of me was cursing I had helped it grow so strong
And I feared it might go hungry and I feared it might go wrong

But I could not close the acorn
Once the oak began to grow
And I cannot close my heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
Is the letting go

And it's only in Eden grows a rose without a thorn
And your children start to leave you
On the day that they were born
They will leave you there to cheer for them
They will leave you there to mourn ever so
Like an ark on uncharted seas their lives will be tossed
And the deeper is your love for them
The crueler is the cost
And just when they start to find themselves
Is when you fear they're lost

But you cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go

Question for God and Prayer

Despite my knowing You never give me more than You know I can handle, I swear it doesn't feel like it sometimes. You sometimes ask too much of me and my fragile, frail shoulders. And I wish You'd stop that.

I've been the "good guy" all my life and sometimes I think all the respect garnered for doing the right thing isn't nearly as good as the happiness that I think I deserve more.

Please stop making me choose respect over happiness. Can't I have both? Can't Your plan for me include my own happiness?

Make me stronger. Thank you.

PS: Even your son had his doubts.
PPS: I want my Sylvia fucking Plath.

The Ugly Side

There's probably a good reason why I have neglected blogging for a long time now. Time being a major factor. Interest being another. But, when I really think about, perhaps it really boils down to... how can I explain it? Let's try it this way...

There's a song by Blue October called, "Ugly Side" on their History for Sale album (incredible songwriting on this album, by the way) and the chorus goes, "I only want you to see/My favorite part of me/And not my ugly side."

How true. There's many things over the years of maintaining this blog that I haven't shared. A lot of things I might be too embarrassed to put out there, or maybe ashamed to admit, too. And part of my struggle keeping this sight going is remaining honest with you, the reader. Am I really being honest "living online," if I don't speak about the bad things in my life, too? Life ain't always a bowl of cherries...

Granted, if you go through the archives, you'll find quite a few stories of me not living up to my expectations, or perhaps a story or two that ends with you being disappointed in how I acted or handled something. But, I'm really starting to think that for the past two years or so, the image I have put forth here is not necessarily a completely honest one. Even not posting kinda says something, right? And the whole point for me is to be completely honest, showing the good and bad. Isn't it a bit false, otherwise?

Over the existence of Everything Grey, it has morphed from a journal-type thing to a documentation of my ongoing spiritual journey, showing how the Christian path has changed my life. This has become my living testimony. And, I think to truly be a Witness, the whole story has to be told - a story that probably doesn't end until I die (and on some level maybe not then). Somewhere in my reasons for blogging is the hope that someone perhaps stumbles across this site, reads the ups and downs, and maybe that influences them into looking up this Christianity thing and learns that it is really about a fixing a broken relationship between ourselves and God.

One of the biggest principles of Christianity is giving your life over to God and humbling yourself before Him. I've been quite stubborn since I've dropped writing here and I know that I haven't been living up to that principle. Today, I'm just admitting it. I could say that I haven't had the time to dedicate to... read the Bible more, pray more, talk to God more. And, some might probably agree... But the ugly truth is I'm just starting to recognize that I'm running away from God when I should be running to embrace Him.

That is not to say that I no longer have faith in God, or don't believe in Him. I do. I just haven't been an very active participant in our relationship for a while. And the ugly truth is, I'm not sure when I'll get more active again.

If there's a problem, the first step to healing is admitting there is a problem in the first place. I admit there is a general lack of active participation in my relationship with God. That's step one, but if I'm being honest, I'm not sure when I'm going to take step 2. I'm not exactly positive what that step is just yet.

I'm not even sure if I'm going to continue writing here. But remember, Christianity for me is about the journey to get to Heaven and less so actually getting there. Once you're there, you're there. But until I'm there, yes, I am tempted. Yes, I do give in to temptations. The journey is not perfect and neither am I.

I just ask for patience and forgiveness.

Simple Explanation of Faith

This might be the most simplest explanation of Faith in God I have run across. Don't know where it originated, but the place I found it (the comment's section of Fark of all places), said they were paraphrasing...

A poor man comes out onto the porch every day and says, "Dear God, please save my family from hunger. All of my money goes to paying for this house." Every day, his atheist neighbor yells over, "You're a fool! There is no God!"

One day, as the man comes out to pray, he sees several bags of groceries lying there. He says, "Thank you God for providing for my family. I knew you'd hear my prayers." At that point, the atheist neighbor jumps out and says, "Ha! I bought those groceries! There is no God!"

The poor man then says, "Dear God, thank you for not only providing for my family, but getting the atheist to pay for it!"

Moral of the story: Perception is reality

I think that pretty much sums it up...