Hi. My name is ML and I am a big fat idiot. Please, pull up a comfy chair, maybe get some refreshments, sit right back and I'll tell you why.

My camera has been broken for about 4 years now. Specifically, the light meter inside of it wouldn't move. So, I had no way to telling if there was enough light for taking a picture. Seeing how I used this camera for artistic purposes, I thought it was imperative to get this fixed. Unfortunately, I lacked the money to get it fixed.

I ended up using my Pentax K-1000 less and less. It's hard to be arty without being to tell if the lighting is right. Eventually, I would take it out only when something needed to be preserved in pictures. That occasion was very rare indeed. It was easier to use disposable cameras for memories and scrapbooks, but I'm not about to use them for art. My art (*ahem*) suffered.

The last occasion I used this camera was for taking acting resume headshots for my wife. We had no idea how any shot would come out, if at all, but we snapped a full role of film just to see if we could get one good shot. That's all we needed. A good scanner, photo software, and printer were waiting to make copies for various local theatres.

We hung some brown fur - that's all we had for a backdrop - in the living room. The lighting was stictly the overhead 4-light fan and a halogen lamp. That would have to be enough. My wife posed and - *snap* *snap* *snap* - before long we were done. We had no idea if there would be a single useable shot. I took the roll of film to Walgreen's for one-hour developing.

As it turned out, we had quite a few shots to choose from. We scanned the one we liked in, changed it to black and white, fiddled a little with the contrast and brightness and - voila!- printed. Several people who saw them thought the headshots were very professional-looking. A friend asked me to take his headshot based on this picture. I had to tell him it was a fluke that it came out so well because my camera was broken. He offered to help pay to get it fixed if I would take his headshot.

So, today I called Wolf Camera to get an estimate. Over the phone, the guy asked what kind of camera I had. "A Pentax K-1000," I replied and then heard some typing on the other end.

"And what's wrong with it?"
"The light meter doesn't move for anything."

More typing on the other end - perhaps he was troubleshooting or looking up something on their estimate price list. "We can ship it off and to fix, it'll be $140." Holy croley! I ain't paying that, much less halfies with a friend. I called my friend to tell him the bad news. He crapped his pants and said I might as well try the Houston Camera, just to see what they would charge.

When I called, I told them the problem. Immediately, the voice on the other end said it could be one of three things. They'd have to crack it open to see, but they provide free estimates. I hopped in my truck to see what the damages would be.

You're not going to believe this part. Well, maybe if you know me, you will... Anyway, I give my camera to the guy to check and he says, "Well, first thing to check is the battery. When was the last time you changed it?" My blank stare soon clicked into the realization that, yes, the correct answer was... say it with me now... "Never." Trying hard to wipe the egg off my face, we struck up a polite conversation about photography. Mostly small talk as he rang up my charges. $14 bucks for a new battery and a lens cap.

Ok, so now I'm just gonna bend over. Does anyone mind giving me a swift kick in the booty? That might help me. Thank you.

Work isn't all bad... Sometimes, you get free tickets to things you can and want to go see. In this case, Andrew Lloyd Webber's Starlight Express is in town and I secured 4 tix. I had no idea what to expect as far as plot. All I knew was that it wasn't a big success when it first arrived in the US in the early 80s and that it's by Andrew Lloyd Webber. The latter is a great reason to see any show.

Starlight Express is done completely on roller skates, although, I did notice the one guy doing flips and tricks was using rollerblades. It is part Toy Story, part Broadway, part drag-race, and part The Little Engine That Could. Suspension of disbelief is kind of necessary to really enjoy it. While never hearing a single song from the show before, the ended wasn't difficult to figure out. That is to say, the plot was easy to figure out. At least it had a plot, as opposed to Cats.

The music was spectacular. If it wasn't being sold for $40 (yes, 40), I would have bought the CD. I could have done without the 3-D movie of the racing parts. It may have been more exciting to actually see the race on the stage, but I can understand the difficulties of pulling that off.

Would I have seen it if I had to pay for it? Hard to say. Depends on the ticket price. I don't think I would have minded shelling out $20 bucks a ticket. Certainly no more than that. But, for free, we were definately well entertained.

Dirty Confession time: Last week, I ran out of my anti-perspirant. The aerosol had nothing, nothing I say, left in it. Left with no alternative, aside from going without which would have surely ended in a smelly, wet disaster, I was forced to used my wife's Lady Speed Stick. And because I couldn't get to the store for a while, I have been unable to buy any anti-perspirant for myself and, therefore, have been relugated to continue using her stuff. And, damn it, I liked it. It kept me dry and feeling fresh all day. Soon, I became addicted. I was checking the stick for stray hairs and removing them so no one would discover my dirty sick secret (it really is strong enough for a man!). I knew I had a problem, so last night I did something about it. I was at the grocery store at 12:45am standing in the deodorant aisle. Tempted, I was, to getting my usual spray-on, but I made a bold, bold decision. I'm back on the stick, but it's my own brand, and we'll see how it goes. So far, so good. No wetness, no odor. We'll just take it a day at a time... that's all I can do...

In other news, I auditioned for a short film my friend wrote. Something about bad marriages and lesbianism. It's not as sexy as it sounds. But, if I auditioned well and get a role, it will be an interesting experience at the very least. Never acted in a movie before.

This was the first trailer for the Hulk that had me somewhat jazzed about seeing the movie. I've never been a big fan of the big green guy and I answer any trivia about the Incredible Hulk, other than gamma rays and Lou Ferigno. But, the little tiny comic geek in me wants to enjoy this film. With Ang Lee at the helm, how can this film go wrong? I don't know, but I'm keeping my expectations very low. There's just something about the CGI on the green meanie that turns me off. Maybe, it's just that CGI in the trailers isn't the finished product. The part in the trailer that finally got me juiced to see Hulk smash was when some thug was attacking Bruce Banner and he says "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." For some reason, my heart pumped a little faster at the moment. The directing is good, the acting looks good. I guess it's going to be the plot and special effects that make or break it. Seeing how my expectations are low, I'm trying to say away from spoilers. The less I know about the movie, the less my opinons are developed before I see the flick. The lower my expectations, the better the chances of me being blown away.

Dear J C Penny,

I know that I am what is considered a "big guy" and feel most comfortable wearing shirts that are at least 2X in size. Actually, the size 2X-T is just about perfect for me. However, you really must do something about your color choices for apparel of this (or greater) size. Guys my size and up really do not want to wear baby powder blue nor canary yellow. Let's face it, girly colors like that are very emasculating for men in general, much less bigger guys. Also, while we're on the subject, many horizontal stripes is also a bad idea. I will admit to owning several shirts with a stripe, but only one stripe, not 10 differently colored stripes. Something else you might want to keep in mind is the type of fabric used. Big guys sweat. And we don't need a heavy, non-breatheable fabric to facilitate extra sweating. Light, airy fabrics are quite acceptable.

Normally, I wouldn't have any cause to complain as I don't normally shop in your store - your prices are entirely too high for me to justify paying $30 for an extremely ugly shirt. However, I received a $50 gift card for Xmas and found the need to use it. So, while I perused your clothes racks, I make these observations in hopes of helping you understand your bigger customers (a few are addressed above and, therefore, reduntant but not unimportant):

1) Better color choices. Big, manly men need manly colors.
2) Just say NO to many horizontal stripes.
3) Breatheable fabrics.
4) Clearance items should still be affordable. (I, for one, cannot even afford your normally priced attire)
5) Belts... is $22.50 really necessary?
6) The Big and Tall section needs to be more than one table of pants and one table of shirts. A bigger selection of styles, colors and prints is quite necessary.

After my shopping was done, there was $2.93 left on my gift card. So for fifty bucks, I was able to by a plain navy blue 2XLT St. John's Bay Polo shirt (100% heavy and nonbreatheable cotton), a pair of light khaki "Worry-free" St. John's Bay pants (the whopping $5 discount sold me) and some pretty groovy socks. Ok, the $5.50 on the socks was a little enduldgement, but I was trying to wipe the gift card clean. Thank you for the $2.93 I'll never be able to afford to spend.

PS: I did find some absolutely wonderful shirts with the clearence price of $8.99 that I would have quickly snatched up as many as I could afford. But alas, the biggest size you had was large. Back to Wal-mart. I like their clothes better anyway.