Condom-Mints

I swear this is what I heard some commercial say today on the radio: "Condoms were originally invented to hide the bad taste of some foods." The commercial was for something on the Food Network, I think, and it mentioned all kinds of food related trivia and tidbits. I wasn't really listening, but I swear that is what I heard.

So, in my head, I thinking... "Really? Someone invented a latex sleeve to fit over your tongue so you don't taste bad food? That's where condoms come from?" Like, I imagined some King somewhere cutting into a filet, sticking his fork in the morsel and putting the bite in his mouth. He would wince at the taste and thought to himself, "if only I didn't have to taste this rubbish. Ah, I know, I'll put my tongue in a rubber sleeve and then I won't taste it at all."

He has his royal inventors make the thing. And to keep it sanitary, they would be disposable. They'd sit in a box next to the salt and the pepper. When he takes a bite, if he doesn't like the taste, he could rip open a condom, roll it on his tongue and still get his nurishment without all the nasty taste. Heck, after a while, he could have special ones made that taste like mint or banana or what have you so they didn't taste like latex. Even have a special tip on the end to collect saliva.

Wow, what an idea that king had! Kids could put a condom on and parents wouldn't have to worry about them not eating. Wives who can't cook wouldn't have to worry about their husbands nagging them about a bad meal. Just give'em a condom. Think of all the marriages that could be saved. Think of all the brusselsprouts kids would eat!

All of that I had going on in my head. It was a very, "Really? I did not know that. Wonder when some schmoe put one on his willy?" moment. Then, I realized the announcer said, "condiments." *Slaps forehead* OOOOHhhhh.... Like ketchup, mustard and arby's sauce.

What's in a name?

"My name is Cap'n Jack and this is no longer your chair."

Turns out little kitty is a prepubescent boy. Approximately 8 weeks old and young enough his testicles haven't dropped. Even the vet had a little trouble determining his sex.

It took a little while for a name to stick. I'm a firm believer in not naming pets immediately. Give them time to get adjusted to you and the new environment. Then, a name will form. I also believe cats find you, you don't find them. Dogs are different that way. You definately find dogs, probably because they are too stupid to find you like cats do.

Before we knew it was a boy, we had some girl names picked out. I say "we" but since the cat was my wife's, it was up to her to pick the name. My son and I just offered suggestion. Most of his were wrestling related. Names like Toyota and Karma seemed to fit a girl. Get it? She was found in our car's enginge... CAR-MA... Toyota? HA ha ha.. *ahem* But, alas, those are girl names and wouldn't do.

For a while, I kept refering to him with the pronouns, "she" and "her." I think that is because he's a little kitty and little kitties just ooze female. Not so in this case. For a while, I thought Hedwig was a possible name because I kept calling it "she" - named after Hedwig and the Angry Inch. It was kinda funny.

So, my son and I started suggesting boy names. Conrad, Rey Rey, Eddie (after Izzard or Guererro), Joe Urban, Harvey, Elwood - none were good enough to make the cut. I was important to me for her to name the cat and not us, though. We merely made suggestions.

Knowing my wife, she would have named the cat after a Disney Villian. Thankfully, all her favorites are women and Hades or Captain Hook don't fit the cat. But, it turns out, a Disney character works. And, so he was named Cap'n Jack. Not Capatin Jack. If you call his name, you have to say either "Cap'n Jack" or just "Jack."

Not even a week and we can see him growing bigger and adjusting to his new surroundings. He can climb the stair, but is too scared to climb down. This morning we discovered he can climb up to our bed. It's pretty high up for something his size. But, when I woke up at 6am to scratching noises, Cap'n Jack's face greeted my eyes.

So we have a cat now...

He or she doesn't have a name yet. We don't know the cat's sex yet. But, as fate would have it, we now have a cat. My husky will have to wait...

How did this happen you might ask? I'll tell you. I don't know. Actually, it's my wife's story, filtered through me. All I really know is we have a cat now.

She was walking to her car to take lunch when she noticed a note stuck on her car. The paper read, "There's a cat stuck in your engine." It was from the dog grooming place in the retail strip she works in. She could hear it meow and she it's little paw in the wheel basin.

Food didn't bring it out. It took a very nice Carmel cop getting underneath the car to rescue the kitty.

No tags. And it's just a kitty. I believe that it's a law somewhere that when a little kitty with no tags gets stuck in your engine, if you get it out, you have to adopt it, especially if you just bought a house. So, we have a cat... with no name...

That's a good step...

New US church leader says homosexuality no sin

Asked how she reconciled her position on homosexuality with specific passages in the Bible declaring sexual relations between men an abomination, Jefferts Schori said the Bible was written in a very different historical context by people asking different questions.

"The Bible has a great deal to teach us about how to live as human beings. The Bible does not have so much to teach us about what sorts of food to eat, what sorts of clothes to wear -- there are rules in the Bible about those that we don't observe today," she said.

"The Bible tells us about how to treat other human beings, and that's certainly the great message of Jesus -- to include the unincluded."

Yeah! That's all I really have to say about it.

Dream of High School

This was a dream I recently had...

I was in Clay Middle School for some reason and surrounded by people. That's not hard to project into a dream since Cinderella rehearsals are happening there. Anyway, in the crowd, I noticed someone I hadn't seen since high school. She was one of the persons in the "cool crowd" that was always friendly and nice to me. I've often wanted to attempt to contact her through, say, Reunion.com or something like that if the opportunity presented itself.

I kept my distance, in the dream, wondering how to best approach someone who might not remember me. We made eye contact and shared puzzled looks of vague recognition. Just then, I noticed she was there with the girl I crushed on in third through seventh grade. I lost all confidence in approaching them.

It would have been rude to not say hello, so I worked my way through the crowd to reassure them that it is indeed a small world. I wondered what the heck these two were doing in Indiana and imaged they'd be very surprised to see me there.

When, I finally reached them, I touched my friend on the arm to get her turn around and said some nice greeting. The exact words I forget. Then, the crush said, "She doesn't care to hear from you." That floored me as I looked my friend in the eyes and woke up. I remember she looked sad.

Now, what the heck was that all about? I don't know. Maybe it's my subconscious telling me to get over high school and move on. I like to think I've done that for the most part. Maybe I'm telling myself to not try to contact this friend. I don't know.

I'm a big believer that our dreams are trying to tell us things. I don't remember my dreams often, so when I do, I nearly obsess over the meaning. Any ideas? Serious ideas, I mean.

Stories have a point

I read this article at Snopes.com. First of all, I love Snopes because entirely too many people pass on bogus and stupid forwards without realizing they are fake, false, or just too stupid to be true. Occasionally, there is some truth on the internet, but mostly, it ain't true. Cell phone numbers are not being released to telemarketers, boycotting gas companies won't lower gas prices, and Penny Brown is not missing.

And then there are some stories, some emails that really can't definitively be proven... like the story in the aforementioned article (edited for space/link to full story):

David Miller* [*not his real name], a pious observant Jew was at Logan Airport getting ready to board United Flight 175...

...Suddenly he remembered that he left his tefillin (ritual boxes with straps worn by Jewish men in prayer) in the terminal boarding area. He politely asked the stewardess if he could go back and retrieve his tefillin, which were sitting just a few feet from the gate. She told him that once the doors of the plane closed, no one was allowed off the plane...

...David was not about to lose this precious mitzvah, or let the holy tefillin get lost like that, so, not knowing what else to do, he started screaming at the top of his lungs, "I am going to lose my tefillin."...

...Finally, he was making such a ruckus and a tumult that the flight crew told him that they would let him off the plane...

... He left the plane, never to reboard.

This flight was United #175. The second plane to reach the WTC. David's devotion to a mitzvah saved his life.

The consequences of David's actions do not end there. Originally the terrorists wanted both towers struck simultaneously to maximize the explosive carnage. Later it was learned that due to this whole tumult, the takeoff was delayed, causing a space of 18 minutes between the striking of the two towers. This delay made it possible for thousands more people to escape alive from both buildings.

Literally thousands, if not tens of thousands, of lives were spared because one Jew would not forsake his beloved tefillin.

Yeah, it can't be proven. And maybe it's not. But, it makes a very good point, no?

According to this story, God didn't abandon one of his faithful. He wasn't on the second plane that smashed into the World Trade Center. He lived. And because of the delay, it's possible people were able to get out of the second tower before the plane hit. It's possible is all I'm saying. Guess it takes a little faith to believe that.

Now, if you happen to believe this story could be true, that is, if you're thinking, "well, maybe it happened" or "wouldn't it be cool if that were indeed true?" Ask yourself isn't it the same thing, the same effort, the same leap of faith, to believe the events in the Bible could be true?

Folks, you can't tell me you didn't get a warm, fuzzy feeling reading that story, or maybe other inspirational chain emails you've gotten through the years. That warm, fuzzy feeling... trust it. It is God trying to tell you something.

Zarqawi Dead

Ding! Dong! Zarqawi's dead...

Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, Al-Queida's #1 guy in Iraq, was killed in a missle strike. Yeah! Finally some good news reported...

Now, I have one question… Does he get a fast ticket to Martyr Heaven and is he currently having his way with 70 virgins there? I mean, I thought that you had to be killed as a martyr in holy war battle to cash in on the virgins. And, seeing how a 500lb missle is what killed him, he couldn’t exactly have been engaged in a fight with it at the time. He could have been on the toliet for all we know (Now that's a visual - literally caught with his pants down). It’s not like he took his own life with a bomb strapped to his body either.

So, that’s my question: Does he get the virgins? I don’t think so…

Trust

Trusting in God to provide shouldn't be this difficult. It should be easy. Yet, goodness, it's not easy.

We were asked this Sunday at church to participate in a 90-day trust challenge. Specifically, we were asked to give 10% of our income, our tithe, for 90 days and trust that God will provide. And, if we think after the 90 days that God didn't provide, the church would give us our money back.

I have never tithed before, but I am going to accept this challenge. Now, to be honest, I don't know if I can afford to give 10% of my income away. I mean, on paper, doing the math, I gots bills to pay, including a new mortgage, and I don't see where the tithe is paid and the bills are paid. But, then again, that's where the trusting in God to provide comes in. On paper, I don't see it, but in my heart, I know that everything will be taken care of.

On Sunday, we were told this story and I want to share it because it really makes my point. A pastor was asked about tithing by one in his congregation. "I want to tithe," the man said, "but how can I be sure God will provide? I have bills to pay and don't think I can pay them." The pastor struck a deal with the man. He told the man to pay the tithe and if he didn't have enough money to pay his bills at the end of the month to come to him and the pastor would personally pay the bills he had left. The man agreed and the pastor had a question for him. "Why is it so easy for you to trust me, a human, to provide for you but so difficult to imagine God would do the same?"

No, I don't see it on paper, but I don't think I ever will. This challenge is about putting my faith in God. Read Malachi 3: 6-17. This passage talks about how God's people have turned from him, but how the loving Father still accepts our return. "Return to me and I will return to you," the Lord says. But, the passage I find most interesting is Malachi 3:10:

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."

Throughout the entire Bible, this is the only time God says to test him. That's significant. He's saying he wants us to test him. God... wants us... to test him... Jesus rebuked Satan in Matthew 4:7 (Jesus said to him, " It is also written, 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.") for testing God. So, that God is saying to test Him in this shows how He will indeed pour out blessings on those who tithe properly.

I don't know how exactly to measure the success of this challenge. Perhaps, Proverbs 30:8-9 is a good yard stick. If all my bills are paid and food is on the table, then I'll consider my blessings counted and thank God.